Thoughtful Thursdays

When “Driving By” Feels Too Hard: Rethinking the Choice of a Local Funeral Home

Thu, 16 Apr 2026 05:00:06 GMT

When “Driving By” Feels Too Hard:

Rethinking the Choice of a Local Funeral Home

It’s something many families quietly admit: “We didn’t want to choose a funeral home in town, we thought we couldn't bear to drive by it every day.”

This feeling is more common than you might expect. In the early days of grief, even the smallest reminders can feel overwhelming. The thought of passing a place connected to such profound loss can seem like too much to carry. And yet, time and again, families who move past that hesitation often discover something unexpected. What they once feared would be a painful reminder becomes, over time, a place of comfort.

A local funeral home is more than a building. It is part of the fabric of the community. It is where neighbors gather, where familiar faces offer quiet support, and where compassionate professionals care not just for the one who has died, but for those who must continue living. At Miles Funeral Home, families are welcomed not as clients, but as members of a community in need of care. Many who once worried about “driving by” later share that what stays with them is not the pain of that first day, but the kindness they received, the gentle guidance, the thoughtful details, and the genuine compassion extended by both staff and neighbors.

Grief does not end with the service. In fact, for many, it is only beginning. That is why ongoing support matters so deeply. At Miles funeral home, through quarterly bereavement gatherings, families are invited back, not to revisit loss, but to continue healing. In these spaces, people find connection, understanding, and the reassurance that they are not alone in what they carry. Avoiding reminders of loss can feel like protection. But healing often comes not from avoiding, but from gently integrating loss into our lives with support, with compassion, and with community. And sometimes, the very place we feared would only hold our sorrow becomes a place that also holds our gratitude.

Here are a few reasons why choosing a local funeral home, especially one rooted in ongoing care and community, can be a meaningful part of a healthy grief journey:

1. Familiar Places Can Become Sources of Comfort, Not Just Reminders of Loss: While it’s natural to worry that driving by a funeral home will trigger sadness, many families find that the place becomes a symbol of the care, dignity, and compassion they received. Over time, the memory shifts from the pain of loss to gratitude for how their loved one and their family were held with such tenderness.

2. Grief Needs Community, Not Distance: Choosing a local funeral home connects you with people who live and walk alongside you every day. These are the same neighbors who may offer a kind word at the grocery store or remember your loved one’s name. Healing often happens in community, not in isolation, and staying local keeps that circle of support close.

3. Ongoing Support Matters Long After the Service Ends : Grief does not end after the funeral. A local funeral home can remain a steady, accessible source of support in the months and years that follow. At Miles Funeral Home, for example, families are invited into a continuing bereavement program with quarterly gatherings, offering a place to return, reflect, and heal alongside others who truly understand.

4. Relationships Formed in Loss Can Become Lifelines in Healing : The staff at a local funeral home are not strangers passing through, they are members of your community who often form lasting, meaningful relationships with the families they serve. Many who initially hesitated later share that what they remember most is the warmth, kindness, and genuine care extended to them during one of life’s hardest moments.

5. Avoidance Can Delay Healing, While Gentle Exposure Can Support It : Avoiding reminders of loss can feel protective in the short term, but over time it may make grief harder to process. Encountering a place tied to your loved one, especially one associated with support and compassion, can gradually help integrate the loss into your life in a healthier, more peaceful way.

6. Honoring Your Loved One Within Your Own Community : Choosing a local funeral home allows your loved one’s life to be recognized and remembered in the very community where they lived, worked, and were known. There is something deeply meaningful about being surrounded by familiar faces and shared memories as you say goodbye.

What the Waxed Amaryllis Teaches Us About Grief

Thu, 09 Apr 2026 05:30:03 GMT

Grief may seal us in for a time,

but the love we carry within us will always find its way toward the light .

I was born on Easter, catching a spirit of enthusiasm and eternal hope that has not faltered for 76 years. I can always find hope, ever ready to mend what is broken. There is only one exception… I am absolutely horrible with indoor plants. If you are kind enough to give me a plant, I admit, it is usually less than a month before it ends us in my roommate’s room, which I lovingly refer to as “plant ICU”. But in an age of AI and computer wizardry, I recently discovered the joy of having a plant that has lived passed the 3-month mark without needing to visit the ICU. It is a waxed amaryllis. A waxed amaryllis seems almost magical, it’s a plant that grows and blooms with no watering, no fertilizing, and often no visible soil.

In reality the waxed amaryllis bulb already contains everything it needs to produce one flowering cycle. The bulb is a storage organ, an amaryllis bulb is not just a seed; it is a fully formed plant in miniature, already holding stored carbohydrates (energy), moisture, nutrients, and a pre-formed flower bud. During the previous growing season, the plant’s leaves produced sugars through photosynthesis and stored them in the bulb. That stored energy is what fuels the next bloom. In other words, the plant is living on reserves, not newly acquired resources. The wax seals in moisture, the thick wax coating serves several purposes: it prevents the bulb from drying out, protects it from damage and mold, holds the bulb upright without soil and reduces evaporation. Because the bulb already contains water, the wax helps conserve what is there, so it lasts long enough to support growth and flowering. Most waxed amaryllis bulbs contain either no soil at all or a small compact base of compressed peat or coco fiber, sawdust or wood fiber, or lightweight planting mix. Sometimes there is simply a weighted base and no soil whatsoever. The bulb’s roots do not function much during this bloom cycle. Light triggers growth. Sunlight does not feed the bulb immediately, the stored energy does that, but light guides growth and helps the emerging leaves begin photosynthesis, extending the life of the bloom. The growth of the amaryllis is analogous to the grief journey. Light is the fundamental element needed for growth.

Soon after receiving my waxed amaryllis, I put it in a bay window where it could feast easily on the morning sun. I spent time every morning reflecting on the similarities between this miraculous plant and the work of grief. A waxed amaryllis is a powerful metaphor for how people grow through grief. After a loss many people feel as if they have nothing left to give. They may feel dry, exhausted, or unable to take in new nourishment. And yet somehow growth still happens. Like the amaryllis bulb, grievers carry hidden reserves: love planted over years, strength they did not know they possessed, wisdom from past struggles, faith or meaning that lives quietly inside.

In the early months of grief, we often live on these reserves. We may not feel strong, but something inside us continues the work of healing. Even when life feels sealed off, like the wax around the bulb, growth is still possible. We reach toward light, be it a kind word, a memory, a moment of beauty, a quiet prayer or a supportive friend. These small lights do not erase grief, but they help guide us upward. And just like the amaryllis, grief growth often produces something unexpectedly beautiful like tenderness, compassion, deeper understanding, or a new appreciation for life. These orient us toward life again. And just as with the amaryllis, something unexpected often emerges: a deeper tenderness, a greater compassion, a more profound understanding of what it means to love.

But the amaryllis also teaches another truth, reserves alone are not enough forever. Eventually the bulb needs real soil and water. In the same way, people grieving need nourishment, companionship, time, rest, meaningful rituals, and gentle support. Grief growth begins from what is already inside us, but healing deepens when we allow ourselves to be cared for. The waxed amaryllis reminds us that even when we feel depleted, life is still quietly unfolding within us, reaching toward light.

The Waxed Amaryllis

Sealed in quiet wax,
you stand without soil,
without water,
without tending hands
and still you rise.

Somewhere inside you
a hidden memory of summer
keeps working,
drawing on what was stored
long before this winter room.

You do not hurry.
You do not ask for more
than a little light.

And slowly, almost secretly,
a green spear appears

proof that life remembers
how to begin again.

So it is with the grieving heart:
when love has been planted deeply,
something remains
strength laid down in better seasons,
tenderness stored in the dark.

We bloom first
from what we carry within,

until one day
we find our roots again.

Holding Grief Through Sacred Seasons: Passover, Easter, and the Promise of Spring

Thu, 02 Apr 2026 12:55:21 GMT

In seasons of remembrance and renewal, our sacred traditions offer steady ground for grieving hearts.

This week, two of the world’s great faith traditions meet in a sacred convergence. The observance of Passover and the celebration of Easter both invite us to remember, to reflect, and ultimately to find hope. For those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, these holy days can feel especially tender. Memory is close to the surface. Absence is more sharply felt. And yet, within both Passover and Easter, there are practices ancient, meaningful, and deeply human that gently guide us through the landscape of grief.

Passover: Remembering as a Path to Meaning

At the heart of Passover is remembrance. The Seder table is not simply a meal; it is a living story. Through symbolic foods, shared prayers, and questions asked across generations, the Jewish tradition teaches that remembering is not something to avoid, but something to enter into fully.

For those who grieve, this is a profound invitation.

To tell the story of someone we love…
To speak their name…
To recall both the sorrow of their loss and the richness of their life…

This mirrors the Passover practice of “ telling the story as if you were there.” Grief often asks us to do the same. Passover also holds the powerful practice of leaving a place at the table, a visible sign that someone is missing, yet still belongs. Many grieving families instinctively do this in their own way: a photograph, a candle, an empty chair. These are not signs of being stuck in grief, but of honoring love that continues.

Easter: Finding Hope Within the Darkness

Easter tells a different yet deeply connected story. It does not bypass sorrow; it moves directly through it. From the grief of Good Friday to the quiet waiting of Holy Saturday, Easter acknowledges what every grieving heart knows: loss is real, and it changes us. But it also proclaims that loss is not the end of the story.

The Christian tradition offers practices that can be especially meaningful for those who are grieving:

Lighting a candle: a quiet act that says light remains, even in darkness

Gathering in community: a reminder that we do not carry grief alone

Naming resurrection hope: trusting that love endures beyond death

Even the story of the disciples on the road to Emmaus reminds us that, in grief, we may not always recognize hope right away, but it often meets us in simple acts of companionship, conversation, and shared bread.

For Those Grieving This Year

If you have experienced the death of a loved one in the past year, these days may feel especially heavy. You may wonder how to participate in traditions that once brought joy. You may feel both drawn to them and distant from them at the same time. That is okay.

Consider allowing the practices themselves to carry you, even gently:

Sit at the table and listen, even if you do not have words
Light a candle in memory of your loved one
Share one story about them, however small
Accept the support of community, even quietly

You do not need to “feel” ready for healing. Sometimes, healing begins simply by staying connected to what is sacred.

Spring: A Quiet Companion to Grief

At the same time, the natural world is changing. After a long winter, the earth begins again, softly, steadily. Buds appear. Light lingers a little longer each day. There is no rush, no demand, just a quiet unfolding. Spring does not erase winter. It grows from it. In the same way, grief does not disappear but over time, something new can begin to take root alongside it: meaning, connection, even moments of peace.

Wishing all a peaceful and meaningful Passover, may your remembering be filled with love, and your storytelling bring comfort. Wishing all a hopeful and blessed Easter, may light find you, even in tender places, and may hope gently rise. And to all, in this season of renewal, may the coming of spring offer you small signs of life, moments of warmth, and the quiet assurance that healing, like the earth, unfolds in its own time.

From the Entire Miles Funeral Home Staff

A New Holiday!

Thu, 19 Mar 2026 07:15:03 GMT

“National Create Your Own Holiday Day” is celebrated annually March 26.

There’s a holiday coming up next week that all grievers should know about. “National Create Your Own Holiday Day” is celebrated each year on March 26, inviting people to step outside the traditional calendar and invent a day that reflects their own interests, values, or joys. The idea began in the early 2000s when the online platform Wellcat Holidays, founded by Ruth and Thomas Roy, encouraged people to embrace creativity by designing their own celebrations. Unlike traditional holidays rooted in history or religion, this day is intentionally open-ended, reminding us that meaning can be made, not just inherited. It celebrates imagination, individuality, and the simple human desire to mark time with purpose and joy.

For those who are grieving, “Create Your Own Holiday Day” offers a gentle and meaningful invitation. Loss often leaves an empty space where shared traditions once lived, and creating a personal holiday for a loved one who has passed can help fill that space with intention and love. By setting aside a day to honor a loved one, through their favorite foods, music, places, or acts of kindness, we transform remembrance into something active and life-giving. Celebrating amidst grief does not diminish the loss; rather, it acknowledges that love continues. A personal holiday allows grief and joy to coexist, offering comfort, connection, and a continuing bond with the person who has died. In this way, creating a holiday becomes not just an act of remembrance, but an act of healing. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Create Your Own Personal Holiday: A Guide for Remembering a Loved One

A day to remember. A day to celebrate. A day just for them.

Purpose: To create a special day to remember, celebrate, and honor the life of your loved one in a way that feels comforting, personal, and hopeful.

Choose a Date

Could be their birthday, the anniversary of their passing, or another meaningful day, or it could be a day with no inherent meaning, just a spontaneous day with no relevance to your loved one, giving them a brand-new day of significance. Pick a day that feels right for joyful remembrance rather than just sorrow.

Name Your Holiday : Naming your holiday gives it identity and invites participation from others. Examples: “John’s Kindness Day” “Mom’s Garden Day” “Celebrating Mary’s Light”

Create Rituals

· Light a candle in their memory

· Play their favorite music or song

· Share a prayer, toast, or moment of silence

· Visit a place they loved

Celebrate Favorite Things

· Prepare their favorite meal or dessert

· Watch a movie or show they loved

· Wear a color or clothing item they adored

· Include pets or activities they enjoyed

Share Stories and Memories

· Gather family, friends, or community to share stories

· Keep a journal of memories or reflections

· Create a “memory jar” for notes or photos each year

Acts of Kindness or Legacy

· Volunteer or help someone in their honor

· Do something they loved to do, visit a place they enjoyed

· Donate to a cause meaningful to them

· Perform a random act of kindness that reflects their values

Symbols & Keepsakes

· Plant a tree, flower, or small garden in their memory

· Make art, crafts, or a scrapbook each year

· Release balloons, lanterns, or light sparklers safely as a symbolic gesture

Flexibility & Personalization: Your holiday can be quiet or festive, whatever feels right. There is no “wrong” way; it evolves as your grief, love, and memories grow.

National Funeral Directors Day

Wed, 11 Mar 2026 18:25:05 GMT

Honoring the Heart of Our Work:

National Funeral Directors Day

On March 11, we pause to recognize National Funeral Directors Day, a day observed annually to honor the dedication, skill, and compassion of funeral directors and morticians. It is an opportunity to reflect on a profession that quietly and faithfully serves families during some of the most tender and difficult moments of life.

At Miles Funeral Home, this day holds special meaning. Our funeral directors are more than professionals performing a job, they are compassionate guides, trusted listeners, careful planners, and steady sources of comfort for families navigating grief.

Our work is rooted in the values expressed in the Miles Funeral Home Mission Statement:

“With an open heart, open mind and a helping hand, Miles Funeral Home serves people throughout Worcester County in need of funeral care. Committed to serving all faiths, cultures and nationalities, we help each family celebrate memories and honor their loved one with a unique and meaningful tribute.”

While the entire Miles staff works diligently every day to meet the needs of the families we serve, funeral directors often stand at the very center of those moments helping families make difficult decisions, honoring traditions, and ensuring that each life is remembered with dignity and care.

Today we are grateful for the dedicated funeral directors who serve families with professionalism and compassion every day: Richard Mansfield Jr., Richard Mansfield III, Samuel Nelson, Amber DiTomasso, Maureen Monahan, Bruce Wahle, Tom Hayes, Matthew Crowley, Kelley Molloy, Nick Zecco, and Jack Quitadamo.

We also recognize the funeral assistants and the many supportive staff members behind the scenes who help our directors do their work so well each day. From preparing spaces with care, to greeting families, coordinating services, and attending to countless details, their quiet dedication ensures that every family receives the dignity, respect, and support they deserve.

Behind every service is thoughtful preparation, countless details, and a sincere commitment to making sure families feel supported and respected. More than anything, we measure our success by the lived experience of the families we serve and how closely that experience reflects the mission we profess.

Join Us in Saying Thank You: If a funeral director from Miles Funeral Home has touched your life or helped your family during a difficult time, we invite you to share a message of appreciation in the comments section below. A few kind words can mean a great deal to those who quietly serve others every day. Better still, if you are so inclined, please share your experience with a Google review.

At Miles Funeral Home, we believe funeral service is not simply a profession, it is a calling to walk beside families in their most vulnerable moments. Today we are proud to recognize the dedicated professionals who carry out that calling with compassion, integrity, and an unwavering commitment to the community we are honored to serve.

When the World Feels Ready and You Don't

Thu, 05 Mar 2026 06:00:15 GMT

Even as spring awakens around us,

grief can still feel like winter within.

In observance of Daylight-Saving Time, we turn our clocks ahead one hour this weekend. Along with the melting of towering snowbanks, the first brave robins returning, and the welcome stretch of 50-degree days, spring invites us back into the world. We begin to gather again, to accept invitations, to step into brighter spaces.

For those who are grieving, however, this seasonal shift can feel complicated. Social events that once brought joy can feel overwhelming. Simple, well-intentioned questions like “How are you doing?” can stir tender emotions and leave one searching for words. It can be easier to retreat than to engage.

Our Spring Sharing Hope Bereavement Seminar offers a gentle and supportive exception to that instinct to stay home. It provides a space where no explanations are necessary, where everyone understands the language of loss. Attending a grief seminar can be deeply beneficial: it normalizes the many emotions of grief, reduces the sense of isolation, and offers practical tools for navigating difficult days and special occasions. Participants gain insight into the grieving process, discover healthy coping strategies, and find reassurance that their experience is both unique and universally human.

Most importantly, the seminar creates community. It is an opportunity to reflect on your own grief journey, to meet and share time with others who truly understand, and to gather around a simple luncheon in companionship rather than loneliness. As the season turns toward light and renewal, this seminar can be a meaningful step forward at your own pace, in a place of compassion and hope.

Even as spring awakens around us, grief can still feel like winter within. If you’re carrying loss, we invite you to join us for our Sharing Hope Bereavement Seminar, a compassionate space to honor your feelings and take gentle steps toward re-engaging with life at your own pace. Together, we’ll explore how to cherish what you’ve lost while remaining open to new beginnings and moments of joy.

Click on the link or the robin to learn more and register.

https://lp.constantcontactpages.com/ev/reg/jv3samt/lp/3129e33c-f373-4f1f-a4c7-153ec3ee741d

Blizzard daze....

Thu, 26 Feb 2026 11:38:26 GMT

Weathering the Storm Together

It’s no secret that New England has experienced a good old-fashioned winter this year. After several milder seasons, many of us had grown accustomed to easier weather, so this latest stretch of snow felt especially significant. The recent blizzard, called everything from a nor’easter to a “bomb cyclone” left many without power and made travel difficult, bringing back memories of the legendary Blizzard of ’78.

Storms like these remind us how quickly daily routines can be interrupted. Yet they also reveal something steady and reassuring about our community. In the midst of power outages and impassable roads, we saw neighbors checking on neighbors, families opening their homes, and workers braving difficult conditions to keep essential services running. Acts of kindness and generosity appeared everywhere, often quietly and without recognition.

At Miles Funeral Home, we followed the guidance of local officials and kept most of our staff safely at home and off the roads. Even so, care and support never paused. Ricky Mansfield and Nick Zecco held down the fort with their characteristic devotion to the people we serve and to the Miles Mission, ensuring that families who needed us were never alone. (Thanks Ricky & Nick)

While winter has certainly made its presence known this year, we take comfort in knowing that spring is on its way. The snow will melt, the days will lengthen, and new life will emerge once again. Until then, we remain grateful for the resilience and generosity that carry our community through every season.

Thank you to all who helped make this storm more manageable for others. Your quiet acts of care are what keep a community strong.

The purpose remains the same

Thu, 19 Feb 2026 08:00:01 GMT

To honor a life, support one another, and begin the work of healing together....

There has been a noticeable cultural shift in how families gather after a death. Where once the word funeral almost automatically implied a formal service in a church, with structured prayer and procession to the cemetery, many families now say, “We don’t want a service.” What they often mean is not that they wish to avoid honoring their loved one, but that they are seeking something more personal, more flexible, and more reflective of their beloved deceased. Moreover, it is not just the survivors who express these thoughts. We all know someone who has said things such as “When I am gone, just put me in the ground or scatter me. Be done with it, no service, no party, just dispose of my body.”

Ritual at the time of death creates a sacred pause in the rush of ordinary life, giving grief a container and the bereaved a path through shock and sorrow. Funerals are for the living. Funerals gather community around loss, honor the story of the one who has died, and help mourners begin the difficult but vital work of saying goodbye, supported rather than alone.

For generations, the funeral served as a communal, religious ritual. It followed a familiar rhythm of visitation, a formal service, the procession and burial. Ritual provided comfort. Structure gave language to grief. Faith traditions shaped the meaning of death and the hope beyond it. In many communities, this pattern remains deeply meaningful, yet cultural trends have changed. Families are more geographically dispersed. Religious affiliation has declined, as people often identify as spiritual rather than religious. There is a growing emphasis on personalization, the desire for gatherings that feel authentic rather than prescribed. As a result, language has shifted. Instead of “funeral,” families may request a “celebration of life,” a “memorial gathering,” or a “service of remembrance.” Each term signals something slightly different in tone and meaning and there is not a common understanding of what these terms mean.

To prepare families to work well with funeral professionals here is an introduction to what these terms mean to funeral professionals.

A memorial service typically takes place without the body present, often after cremation or private burial. It allows flexibility in timing and format because it is not bound to immediate burial logistics. It may be scheduled weeks or even months later, making travel easier for distant family members.

A celebration of life generally emphasizes storytelling, music, photos, and the personality of the person who has died. While still reverent, it may feel lighter in tone. Guests might be invited to wear bright colors. Family members may speak openly. Favorite songs replace traditional hymns. The focus shifts from ritual structure to narrative memory.

More informal gatherings have also become common. These might take place in a home, community center, restaurant, or outdoor setting. Sometimes there is only a brief moment of reflection followed by shared food and conversation. For some families, especially those who feel uncomfortable with formality, this setting creates a more natural environment for connection.

At the same time, many families are blending old and new forms. A traditional graveside service may be followed by a lively reception. A church funeral may incorporate personal tributes and multimedia elements. What we are seeing is not the disappearance of tradition, but its adaptation. When planning after-life care and remembrance, families today have more options than ever before. Burial remains meaningful for many, offering a permanent place for visitation and ritual. Cremation provides flexibility and may be followed by interment, scattering ceremonies, or private family moments of remembrance. Some families choose to hold a small immediate service and plan a larger public gathering later. Others organize anniversary remembrances, candle-lighting ceremonies, or legacy projects that extend beyond a single day. Increasingly, people are also planning ahead, expressing in advance whether they prefer a traditional funeral, a simple graveside service, or a personalized celebration.

Despite these changes, one constant remains: the human need to gather. Whether formal or informal, structured or spontaneous, people benefit from coming together in the presence of loss. Ritual, in whatever form it takes, acknowledges that a life mattered and that grief deserves witness. Moving away from strictly formal celebrations does not signal a diminished respect for the dead. Rather, it reflects a culture seeking authenticity. The most meaningful remembrance is not defined by terminology but by intention. Whether one chooses a funeral, memorial service, celebration of life, or quiet family gathering, the purpose remains the same: to honor a life, support one another, and begin the work of healing together.

All types of funeral services, whether traditional funerals, memorial services, celebrations of life, or intimate family gatherings can take place within the funeral home, a setting designed to provide comfort, dignity, and flexibility. Entrusting the details to funeral care professionals allows families to focus on being present with one another, while experienced staff coordinate logistics, prepare and care for the deceased, handle necessary paperwork and permits, arrange the space, manage timing and participants, and gently guide the flow of the service from beginning to end.

Valentine's Day: Holding Love Gently

Thu, 12 Feb 2026 08:00:11 GMT

Love does not disappear when someone dies;

it simply asks to be held differently.

Valentine’s Day arrives each year wrapped in hearts and roses but for those who have experienced a significant loss it also carries tenderness, memory, and longing. Love does not disappear when someone dies; it simply asks to be held differently. For those who are grieving, love finds new ways to speak. You might choose to write a few words, visit a meaningful place, or simply hold someone close in your thoughts. Nothing needs to be resolved or made better. Love is not a task to complete, it is a bond that continues, even as it changes.

The loss of a partner, spouse, parent, child or a dear soulmate does not diminish the love shared, nor does it prevent one from enjoying a day centered on love. For some, honoring love may focus on remembering a detail: a familiar phrase, a shared ritual, a habit that once made you smile. These remembrances often carry the deepest truth of a relationship, that love lives on, quietly present, faithfully enduring. You may celebrate, observe quietly, or let it pass like any other winter day. Grief does not follow a calendar, and neither does love.

Here are some gentle, meaningful ways to mark the day that honor love without forcing celebration:

Write a love letter that doesn’t need to be sent: Write to the person you’re missing, to love itself, or even to your grieving heart. Say what’s still true. Say what hurts. Say what endures. Then keep it somewhere special or release it in a quiet ritual.
Create a small remembrance ritual: Light a candle, play a song they loved, cook a favorite meal, or place flowers by a photo. Keep it simple and intentional. Love doesn’t disappear; it changes form.
Practice self-compassion as an act of love: Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about romance. Let it be about care. Take a walk, book a massage, rest without guilt, or give yourself permission to cancel plans. Choosing gentleness is choosing love.
Share love outward, in their honor: Donate to a cause they cared about, write a note to someone who supported you, or perform a quiet act of kindness. Many people find comfort in letting love keep moving.

At its heart, Valentine’s Day is about love and love does not end with death. In funeral care we are continually reminded that remembrance, storytelling, and honoring life are expressions of love carried forward. Valentine’s Day doesn’t require celebration, only permission to honor love in whatever quiet, meaningful way feels right for you. However you choose to acknowledge Valentine’s Day may you find gentleness with yourself and reassurance in the enduring presence of love held in memory, meaning, and care.

What Is a Celebration of Life and How a Funeral Home Helps

Thu, 05 Feb 2026 08:30:17 GMT

“Here to Honor Every Life with Care.

With Heartfelt Support Every Step of the Way”

In recent years, many people have chosen a celebration of life as a way to honor someone they love. While the phrase may sound informal, a celebration of life is a well thought out, meaningful and intentional gathering that offers structure, remembrance, and support during a difficult time. Understanding what a celebration of life includes and how a funeral home can help often brings families great relief.

A celebration of life focuses on remembering who a person was, how they lived, and the relationships that shaped their life. Rather than following a rigid format, these gatherings are flexible and personalized, allowing families to create a tribute that feels authentic. A celebration of life may be:

Formal or casual
Religious, spiritual, or secular
Held soon after a death or weeks, or even months later

What matters is that it provides an opportunity for connection, memory, and meaning. While every celebration is unique, many include a gathering of family and friends where guests may visit informally, share stories, and spend time together. Celebrations of life can be held at a funeral home, place of worship, private venue, or outdoor location. The funeral home helps coordinate the location, layout, timing, and overall flow so families don’t have to manage logistics. Often there is music that reflects the person such as favorite songs, meaningful hymns, or live music woven throughout the gathering. The funeral home helps manage sound equipment, timing, and transitions, allowing families to focus on the meaning rather than the mechanics. Stories, readings, poetry, or shared reflections help bring a life into focus. These may be offered by family members, friends, or a celebrant. A formal eulogy captures the specifics of a person’s life, highlighting their relationships, accomplishments, and touching memories held by people who are at the celebration. Funeral professionals or celebrants can help organize remarks, recommend a legacy writer, suggest readings, and gently guide the structure so speakers feel supported. Candle lighting, shared moments of silence, or other symbolic acts offer comfort and connection. Funeral professionals can suggest appropriate rituals and ensure they are thoughtfully incorporated into the gathering. Photo boards, video tributes, and memory tables often become natural gathering points. Personal items such as hobbies, uniforms, or keepsakes help tell a story visually. The funeral home assists with layout, presentation, and technical details, transforming materials families provide into a unified display.

A common misconception is that a celebration of life requires families to do more planning on their own. In reality, the level of involvement is entirely up to the family. Some families want to be deeply involved in planning details. Others prefer to share their wishes and allow the funeral home to handle the rest. Both approaches are equally respected. A celebration of life is not about producing an event, it is about creating space. Space to remember. Space to grieve. Space to honor a life that mattered. With the guidance of a funeral home, families can create a gathering that feels personal, meaningful, and manageable that reflects the individual being remembered and supports those who loved them.

If you are considering a celebration of life, a conversation with a funeral professional can help clarify options, answer questions, and ease the planning process, one step at a time.

We’re Here to Help

Planning a celebration of life doesn’t have to feel overwhelming. At Miles Funeral Home , we believe families deserve clear guidance, thoughtful options, and compassionate support every step of the way. If you are beginning to explore ideas for a celebration of life, either following a recent loss or as part of advance planning, we invite you to reach out.

Pamela Reidy , Director of Community Education, is available to talk through questions, explain options, and help families understand how a celebration of life can be shaped to reflect the person being honored.
Amber Ditamasso , Certified Pre-Planning Specialist, can assist individuals and families who wish to thoughtfully plan ahead, easing the burden on loved ones while ensuring personal wishes are known.

Whether you are seeking information, reassurance, or a place to begin, we are here to listen and help. A simple conversation can bring clarity and peace of mind.The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.

There’s No Place Like Home

Thu, 29 Jan 2026 08:15:03 GMT

The Heart Knows the Way Home

Today is Kansas Day. It is celebrated annually on January 29 to commemorate the anniversary of the state's 1861 admission to the Union. But let’s be honest, for many of us, Kansas Day instantly brings to mind a certain pair of ruby slippers and a young woman who learned something profound on her journey.

Dorothy serendipitously visited Oz, an extraordinary place filled with color, adventure, danger, and dazzling distractions. And yet, after all that wonder, she didn’t choose Oz. She chose Kansas. Gray skies. Familiar roads. Ordinary days. Home. Her choice reveals something deeply human. We are wired to long for home; not just as a place on a map, but as a feeling we carry in our hearts. Home is where our relationships settle. Home is where our emotions are allowed to take off their shoes. Home is where we feel safe enough to be exactly who we are.

And grief? Grief shakes that sense of home to its foundation. When someone we love dies, it can feel as though the emotional house we lived in has been swept up by a storm. The furniture is gone. The sounds are different. The silence echoes. Even when we’re standing in the same physical space, it can feel unfamiliar, like we’ve landed somewhere we never meant to be.

If you are grieving this Kansas Day, here’s a gentle invitation: Focus on being “at home,” even without your loved one physically present. That doesn’t mean pretending things haven’t changed. They have. And it doesn’t mean forcing cheer or closure. It means allowing yourself to rebuild a sense of home, slowly, imperfectly, honestly. Home might now look like:

keeping a ritual that connects you to your loved one
speaking their name aloud
letting your emotions come home to you, without judgment
finding comfort in the familiar rhythms of your day

And perhaps, most tenderly, it means discovering a new way of being at home with them: through memory, love, values, and the quiet ways they continue to shape who you are. Dorothy didn’t return to Kansas unchanged. She came back wiser, softer, and more aware of what mattered most. Grief changes us too, but it doesn’t take away our capacity to feel at home in the world again.

So, on this Kansas Day, whether your sky feels blue or a little gray, may you find moments of grounding. May you remember that even after the storm, the heart knows the way home .

Why Grief Can Feel Heavier in Winter and What Can Help

Thu, 22 Jan 2026 06:30:08 GMT

Coping With the Ebb and Flow of Grief During Mid-Winter

I recently received a call from a friend whose partner died in October. With a quiet sadness in his voice, he shared that he was “just checking in” to see whether his grief was “on schedule.” When I asked what he meant by that, he explained that his body, heart, and emotions felt unusually heavy, almost more than he could carry. He was concerned that he seemed to be struggling more now than he did in the weeks immediately following his loss and wondered whether this was “normal.” “Shouldn’t I feel better by now?” he asked.

His expectation was not uncommon. As we talked further, two important truths emerged. First, grief does not follow a timeline. Second, grief often ebbs and flows with the seasons. Feeling that grief is heavier during winter months is a common experience, and responding to it with gentle, intentional self-care is essential.

Early in the winter season, the holidays tend to absorb much of our grief. We focus our energy on navigating family gatherings, managing social obligations, and confronting memories of past holidays shared with those we have lost. During this time, feelings of sadness, anxiety, and loneliness are often acknowledged and more readily accepted.

Once the holidays pass, however, mid-winter can bring its own challenges. Heavy snow, colder temperatures, shorter days, and fewer social interactions can create a sense of isolation. The quieter rhythm of winter often mirrors the internal weight many grieving people feel. For some, this season can be especially difficult, as the external environment reflects the heaviness already present within.

Grief rarely follows a straight path. It moves in cycles, sometimes gently, sometimes unexpectedly. The following practices can offer support during the winter season:

Accept the natural rhythm of grief
Just as winter slows the natural world, grief often asks us to slow down as well. Some days may feel manageable, while others feel heavier. Allowing these shifts without judgment is an important act of self-compassion.

Invite warmth and light into your days
Small comforts can make a meaningful difference. Lighting a candle, enjoying a warm beverage, or spending time near natural light can create moments of calm and grounding during darker days.

Seek gentle connection
Grief can feel isolating, particularly in winter. Connection does not need to be demanding. A brief phone call, a short visit, or participation in a grief support group can offer reassurance that you are not alone.

Care for your body as part of healing
Grief is experienced physically as well as emotionally. Gentle movement, time outdoors during daylight, rest, and warmth can help support the body and mind during winter months.

Create space for remembrance
Winter’s quiet can offer opportunities for reflection. Looking through photographs, journaling, or observing a simple ritual of remembrance can help keep a loved one’s memory present in a meaningful and comforting way.

Grief does not disappear with the changing seasons, but caring for yourself through winter can help soften its weight. If you or someone you love would benefit from additional support, Miles Funeral Home is always here to offer guidance, resources, and a compassionate listening ear.

It's National Hat Day!

Thu, 15 Jan 2026 08:30:23 GMT

We’re tipping our hats to the many roles we all play and the stories we carry with us.

Hats can be practical, stylish, or deeply meaningful. A favorite hat may carry memories, such as a well-worn baseball cap, a Sunday church hat, or the one always worn while gardening or walking the dog.

Join in today's observance of National Hat Day. Consider wearing a hat that reminds you of someone you love and taking a quiet moment to remember them. You might celebrate the day by sharing the story behind a meaningful hat with family or friends, or even on social media with a photo.

A thoughtful way to mark the day is by “tipping your hat” to someone who has supported you, offering a word of thanks or a simple kindness. Sometimes it is the simplest objects that help us remember, reflect, and connect.

However you choose to observe the day, we hope it brings a moment of warmth, remembrance, and connection.

A Gift of Peace: Why Planning Ahead Matters

Thu, 08 Jan 2026 11:45:00 GMT

Caring for Those You Love—Even After You’re Gone

New Year resolutions have been around for more than 4,000 years, long before gym memberships and dry January. The Babylonians rang in the new year by making promises to their gods, and later the Romans named January after Janus, the two-faced god who looked backward and forward, a fitting symbol for reflection and fresh starts. Today, we keep the tradition alive for much the same reason: the calendar turns, we pause, take stock of where we’ve been, and imagine where we’d like to go. At their best, resolutions reflect our very human hope for renewal, meaning, and realignment with our values. That said, I’ve learned that some years are less about dramatic self-improvement and more about finally tackling that impressively long list of things I’ve been meaning to get to all along. Every year, I make a list of things I’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off, resolving that this will finally be the year I follow through. Like many people if I don’t tackle them in the first few weeks those good intentions often fade.

My work in funeral care reminds me that some things are too important to delay. Too often I assist families who regret they never had a conversation with their deceased loved one about their wishes for after-death care, leaving them to make tough decisions during an already emotional time. This year I am determined to help people recognize the value of pre-planning their funeral care. By encouraging advance planning for funeral services, celebrations of life, and final disposition, I hope to help people reframe what may feel overwhelming into a meaningful expression of care for the people they love.

Like many things we tend to put off, planning your funeral care isn’t difficult. Rather than sharing the horror stories that can result when no plans are made, I want to offer a few reasons why pre-planning is truly a gift to those who will survive you.

1. It takes the guesswork out of a hard time
After a death, families are asked to make many choices while emotions are running high. Pre-planning spares them from wondering what you would have wanted when clear thinking is hardest.

2. It reduces stress, conflict, and second-guessing
Without guidance, families may worry about “getting it wrong.” Sadly, I have witnessed disagreements that have caused family division when harmony is crucial. Your plans provide clarity and reassurance, helping loved ones support one another rather than struggle with uncertainty.

3. It allows your family to grieve without distraction
When the logistics are already settled, your loved ones can focus on remembering and honoring your life instead of scrambling to make time-sensitive decisions.

4. It ensures your life is celebrated in your own way
Sharing your preferences for music, readings, rituals, or special touches helps your family create a meaningful tribute without the pressure of guessing how to capture your essence.

5. It’s a final act of love
Thoughtful pre-planning communicates care, consideration, and foresight letting your loved ones know that, even after you’re gone, you’re still looking out for them. Pre-planning your funeral or celebration of life isn’t morbid or difficult; it’s a loving gift to your family.

Plan today, give peace tomorrow! Miles Funeral Home Pre -planning Specialist is Amber Ditamasso and you can arrange a time to meet with her using this link Amber@Milesfuneralhome.com or calling her at 508-829-4434.

Your Life, Your Story, Your Plan—Let’s Make It Happen!

A New Year, A Deeper Presence

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 21:14:43 GMT

Introducing “Quiet Thursday” Mini Reflections

This past November, Thoughtful Thursdays reached a meaningful milestone: five years of walking alongside our community through reflection, education, and compassionate support. What began as a weekly blog grew out of the same mission that guides our signature bereavement program, Sharing Hope Quarterly Seminars , a gathering of care, comfort, and connection. As our commitment to grief education deepened, Thoughtful Thursdays modified to a bi-weekly offering, allowing us to increase time spent in the community.

With so many people seeking support for their grief journey, we realize the time has come to offer a weekly place of connection once again. So, into our bi-weekly Thoughtful Thursday blog, we are introducing a companion series, Quiet Thursday, Mini Reflections from Miles. The Quiet Thursday posts will appear on the Thursdays between our full-length blog offerings. Each minisode will be a brief reflection offering perspective and a gentle moment of calm in the midst of daily life. Our hope is that these short offerings will feel like a quiet pause, a chance to breathe, reflect, and remember that we are not alone in our loss.

These mini reflections are written for anyone who is grieving, for caregivers and helpers, for those remembering someone dear, and for all navigating the tender work of loss. Sometimes the most meaningful thoughts arrive not in long essays, but in soft, steady reminders that love continues, that memories matter, that healing has many shapes, and that there is still light to be found in everyday moments. Quiet Thursday will be our way of continuing to walk beside our community with compassion, presence, and gentleness. You can look forward to Quiet Thursday posts that could include a brief story, a gentle reflection or insight, a poem, a meaningful quote with commentary, a short educational note, a behind-the-scenes glimpse of our work, or a simple “thought for the day” offered with care.

We invite you to become a regular reader of the Thoughtful Thursday & Quiet Thursday Blog , share as you wish, and return whenever you need a moment of grounding or encouragement. Whether you are grieving or supporting someone who is, we hope all of our posts offer comfort and companionship. As always, we at Miles are honored to serve the families of our community in both the difficult moments and the reflective ones.

Wishing you a New Year that holds moments of peace, comfort, and gentle hope, even amidst the sorrow. May each day bring a little light to guide you forward.

Pamela Reidy, Director of Community Education

Miles Funeral Home

What The Light Knows

Sun, 21 Dec 2025 12:35:55 GMT

The light does not rush. It has learned patience from winter, from the long practice of waiting.

As Christmas draws near and we enter this season of light, I find myself thinking about a recent conversation with a woman whose husband died just weeks ago. Amid so many sudden changes, her nights have become especially difficult. Sleep is elusive, replaced by anxious thoughts of words left unsaid, problems unresolved, and moments she longs to revisit but cannot. The quiet darkness holds the weight of her grief, leaving her exhausted in ways that reach far beyond physical fatigue.

Today we mark the solstice, a sacred turning point when the balance of light and darkness pauses and then gently shifts. At the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year, darkness reaches its fullness, and from that stillness, light begins to return. Honored across cultures, this moment invites rest, reflection, and hope. It reminds us that even in the deepest night, new beginnings are quietly forming and that light is never lost, only waiting. As we honor the solstice and the promise of returning light, our thoughts are with all who dread the long, dark hours of grief. May this season gently remind them that light returns slowly, and that even in our deepest darkness, hope can still find its way to us.

What The Light Knows

The light does not rush.
It has learned patience from winter,
from the long practice of waiting.

It enters the room quietly—
a candle’s breath,
a window left glowing,
the soft insistence of dawn
arriving a minute earlier than yesterday.

This is how care works too.
Not with announcement,
but with faithfulness.
A hand where it is needed.
A task well done.
A promise kept even when no one is watching.

The solstice knows this truth:
That the night grows no darker
before it begins to loosen its grip.

Nothing dramatic marks the change.
Still, the earth remembers.
The light remembers.

And so do we
even if we cannot yet feel it.

There are people tending the glow.
keeping things ready,
keeping doors open,
keeping steadiness alive
through the longest nights.

They work quietly,
not because the work is small,
but because it is sacred.

Light does not argue with darkness.
It simply stays.
It shows up again tomorrow,
and the next day,
until staying becomes enough.

Tonight,
light a candle if you wish.
Or simply notice the way
the world has not given up on you.

Grief is often quiet and private. Those who are struggling may not always show it. A neighbor, coworker, or friend may be carrying a recent loss or an old loss that feels especially painful during this time of year. A simple acknowledgment, a gentle check-in, or patience with one another can be powerful expressions of love and support. Often the greatest gift we can offer is presence. To those who are supporting someone who is grieving: your compassion matters more than perfect words.

At Miles Funeral Home our thoughts remain with the families we have had the privilege to serve. We hold your stories, your loved ones’ names, and the trust you placed in us with deep respect. Our work brings us face to face with loss, but it also reveals something enduring: love continues, even when presence changes.

To all who move through this season with a mix of emotions, we offer this reminder from the heart of funeral service: grief is not a sign of weakness; it is a reflection of love . May peace find you in the ways you need it most. May moments of gentleness meet you where you are. And may we all move through these days with a little more tenderness for ourselves and for one another.

The Miles Funeral Home Family

December 21, 2025

It's National Communicate with Your Kids Day

Thu, 04 Dec 2025 08:30:03 GMT

Make a Plan This Year

Tomorrow is National Communicate With Your Kids Day . Each year, this day reminds us to start the conversations that matter most. This year, I hope families will use it to take one important step: making a plan to talk with children about death. Most families wait until a crisis to bring up death. That’s natural, but it’s also the hardest time for anyone, children or adults, to have a calm, meaningful conversation. When emotions are high and everything feels urgent, kids can’t take in what they’re hearing, and adults struggle to find the right words. Preparing before a loss offers something better: space, steadiness, and the chance for children to learn about death in a way that feels safe. The good news is that talking with children about death doesn’t require perfect wording, just honesty, clarity, and warmth. Children feel most supported when adults:

Listen more than they talk
Speak calmly and simply
Use real, clear language instead of vague or confusing metaphors
Allow questions—even the hard ones
Validate feelings without trying to “fix” them
Offer reassurance that they are safe and not alone

These conversations don’t have to be long or formal. In fact, the more natural they feel, the better. Here are some starters:

What does “dead” mean?
Explain that when someone dies, their body stops working, they don’t breathe, think, or feel anymore. You might say, “Being alive means our body works. Being dead means it no longer can.” Ask your child what they think it means. Their answer often shows what they’re worried about or wondering.

Why does death happen?
Children don’t need every detail. A simple explanation works, “Sometimes people get very sick or very old, and their bodies stop working. Sometimes accidents happen. Death is part of life for every living thing.”

How does it feel when someone we love dies?
Let children know that sadness, confusion, anger, and even guilt are all normal. People grieve in different ways—crying, talking, being quiet, remembering. All of it is okay. If your family has spiritual or cultural traditions, those can offer comfort too, prayers, blessings, or simply the idea that love remains even after someone dies.

A Resource Every Caregiver Should Have

One of the most compassionate guides available is Giving Hope: Conversations With Children About Illness, Death, and Loss by Dr. Elena Lister and Dr. Michael Schwartzman. I consider this the single best resource for any adult who wants to help a child understand and cope with death.

This book helps caregivers:

Sort through their own fears
Use clear, age-appropriate language
Avoid common mistakes that confuse or frighten kids
Answer tough questions with honesty and steadiness
Feel confident rather than overwhelmed

When adults feel prepared, children feel safer. Giving Hope offers that preparation with tenderness and clarity.

Make a Plan This Year

In honor of National Communicate with Your Kids Day , I encourage parents, grandparents, and all caregivers to take a few minutes to think about how and when you want to begin these conversations. You don’t need the perfect moment. You only need openness, patience, and the willingness to talk about one of life’s hardest realities with love. By starting early, you give your child not only information, but comfort, confidence, and a sense of security that will stay with them throughout their lives.

Children's Grief Awareness Day

Thu, 20 Nov 2025 14:53:43 GMT

Preparing yourself to support grieving children

Today, November 20 ^th is the 17 ^th annual remembrance of National Children’s Grief Awareness Day. The National Grief Awareness organization poses these as the goals for today’s commemoration.

Raise awareness of the impact of death on children
Raise awareness of the benefits of support for grieving children
Provide information in order to increase the general knowledge of the needs of grieving children
Make resources available to raise this awareness and increase this knowledge

Children's Grief Awareness Day seeks to bring attention to the fact that often support can make all the difference in the life of a grieving child. It provides an opportunity for all of us to raise awareness of the painful impact that the death of a loved one has in the life of a child, an opportunity to make sure that these children receive the support they need.” About Children's Grief Awareness Day

Children’s Grief Awareness Day invites all of us to recognize the unique needs of grieving children and to understand why our support matters so deeply. Too often, children experience disenfranchised grief, with their losses minimized, overlooked, or misunderstood. Today reminds us to do better: to learn how to walk alongside children in their grief and to commit ourselves to ensuring they receive the care, attention, and compassion they deserve.

At a recent training for bereavement support staff, I revisited some of the most common myths surrounding children’s grief. These misconceptions are an important starting point for anyone seeking to better understand how to support a child after a death loss.

Myth : Children grieve just like adults.

Truth: Children grieve in spurts, they may cry one moment and play the next. This is normal and shows how children cope with big feelings in small doses.

Myth: If a child isn’t crying, they aren’t grieving.

Truth: Grief shows up in many ways, through behavior, play, artwork, or even physical complaints. A lack of tears doesn’t mean a lack of grief.

Myth : Children are too young to understand death.

Truth: Even young children sense when something has changed. While their understanding depends on their age, simple and truthful explanations help them feel secure.

Myth : Talking about death will frighten or harm them.

Truth Silence or secrecy often creates more fear. When adults talk openly and calmly, children feel supported and less alone.

Myth : It’s kinder to use phrases like gone to sleep or passed away.

Truth : Euphemisms can confuse or even scare children (for example, they may become afraid of going to sleep). Clear words like died help children understand reality.

Myth: Children should be kept away from funerals or memorials.

Truth With gentle preparation, children often find comfort in being included. Participation can help them say goodbye and feel part of their family’s grieving process.

Myth: We should wait until children ask questions.

Truth: Some children may not ask yet still wonder or worry. Adults can gently open the conversation and invite questions at the child’s pace.

Myth: Adults need to have all the answers.

Truth: It’s okay to admit, “I don’t know.” What matters most is honesty, presence, and the reassurance that the child is loved and not alone.

Another important primer for developing greater awareness of children’s grief is in understanding the work of grief that children face and how we can support this work.

Six Healing Tasks for Children Experiencing a Death Loss

• Acknowledging the Reality of Death
Help children recognize and express that the person has died, both through words and feelings, rather than keeping it inside.

• Facing the Pain of Loss with Support
Encourage children to feel the sadness of the loss while receiving care and comfort, physically, emotionally, and spiritually from trusted adults.

• Remembering the Relationship in New Ways
Support children in shifting their connection with the deceased from being physically present to holding memories and appreciation in their hearts.

• Building a New Sense of Self
Guide children in understanding and accepting who they are in a life that now continues without the person who died.

• Finding Meaning in the Experience
Help children place the loss in a larger context, making sense of it in ways that support hope, understanding, or personal growth.

• Maintaining Ongoing Support from Adults

Ensure children continue to have caring, stable adults in their lives who provide reassurance, guidance, and a safe space for healing over time.

We cannot escape death; it is woven into the world around us, visible in the changing seasons, in the cycles of plant and animal life, and in the losses we experience within our families, friendships, and even in the stories we see in the news. Children look to the caring adults in their lives to help them make sense of these moments. Honest words, gentle explanations, and patient listening offer the safety they need to build trust and resilience as they witness and navigate loss. On this National Children’s Grief Awareness Day, and every day that follows, may we commit ourselves to supporting grieving children with compassion, steadiness, and an open heart.

Lighting the Way Through Loss: Caring for Your Heart This Winter

Wed, 05 Nov 2025 11:29:14 GMT

Finding Light in the Winter: Healthy Grieving Through the Holidays

The winter holidays invite us to gather, celebrate, and remember. Yet for those who grieve, these holidays can stir deep emotions of longing, absence, and tender remembrance. In Jewish tradition, light is a timeless symbol of resilience, hope, and divine presence. During Chanukah, the small flame that refused to go out reminds us that light can endure even in the darkest times. For Christians when loneliness or sorrow rises, Christmas honors the message of presence. God entered the world in vulnerability and remains with us in every moment of loss and love. For those who are not religious but are spiritual, winter invites stillness, reflection, and renewal, spiritual rhythms that mirror healing.

We invite you to join us for our upcoming Sharing Hope Bereavement Seminar, a gathering of care, comfort, and connection. This signature program of Miles Funeral Home offers gentle guidance, compassionate listening, and space for your heart to rest among others who understand. Whether you are early in your grief or further along the path, you are welcome just as you are. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timeline you must follow. Our bereavement series offers encouragement, tools for healing, and the reminder that you do not walk this road alone. Please join us for our next seminar.

Embracing Holiday Grief

Saturday, November 15, 2025, 1-3 p.m.

Holden Senior Center – 25 Bascom Way, Holden

Register Here

We did it again!!!

Sun, 12 Oct 2025 21:45:12 GMT

We are pursuing excellence!

Miles Honored with NFDA Pursuit of Excellence Award

Three Years in a Row!

We are deeply honored to share that for the third consecutive year Miles Funeral Home has received the Pursuit of Excellence Award from the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). Being selected by our peers in the funeral industry makes this especially meaningful as it is presented to only a select group of funeral homes across the country who demonstrate an ongoing commitment to families, staff, and community.

To be chosen, funeral homes must meet high standards and show strength in several areas which includes:

Compassion & Integrity – upholding the highest ethical standards while following state, federal, and NFDA guidelines.
Caring for Our Team – investing in education and professional development so our staff can continue to grow.
Supporting Families – offering thoughtful resources, programs, and care for those who are grieving.
Giving Back – staying actively involved in the community we are privileged to serve.
Serving the Profession – contributing to the broader funeral service profession through participation and leadership.
Reaching Out – sharing our services with families through meaningful communication and outreach.

This recognition is a reflection of the people we serve and the trust you place in us. We are grateful to our dedicated staff, to the families who allow us to walk beside them, and to the community that continues to inspire us every day.

Tune In: Celebrating National Podcast Day!

Thu, 02 Oct 2025 06:30:00 GMT

Press Play: It’s Podcast Day!

This week was the annual observance of International Podcast Day. (September 30th.) If you have not yet become a podcast listener, I highly recommend it. It’s convenient, because you can listen while driving, walking, cooking, or doing other tasks. I like to catch up on my listening while doing my daily exercise. I also like podcasts over reading, especially for topics like grief as hearing someone’s voice conveys tone, empathy, and emotion in a way reading does not. If you suffer from eye strain, vision issues, or fatigue, listening can be easier than reading. Podcasts contain storytelling power as personal stories and conversations feel relatable when spoken.

Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid reader, as my bookshelf attests, but there can be some benefits over reading. Voices can carry compassion, pauses, and laughter that deepen meaning. You don’t need to sit down with a book or article; you can absorb while on the move. Podcasts often feature guests and audience interaction, making listeners feel part of a supportive circle. Listening may feel gentler than reading dense or emotional text about grief.

But clearly, not all podcasts are worthy of your time, so how do you begin to choose one? It may take a little bit of time judging a good podcast before subscribing. First, check the host’s background – Do they have expertise (grief counselor, author, clergy, therapist) or lived experience? Then glance at episode topics – Are they relevant to your needs (loss, coping, resilience, rituals, professional insight)? Next listen to a short sample – Does the host’s voice and style feel warm, respectful, and easy to listen to? check the episode length & release schedule – does this podcast fits your attention span and is it released regularly? Another important step is to check out reviews and ratings – Positive feedback, especially from people in similar circumstances, is a good sign. Finally have a listen for production quality – Clear audio without distracting background noise shows care and professionalism.

I use Spotify, but there are many options, just search your favorite podcast forum to find these reputable, thoughtful, well-regarded podcasts offering support for those who are grieving a death loss.

Grief Out Loud (Dougy Center) – Stories and conversations on grief with a balance of expertise and compassion. (my personal favorite)

What’s Your Grief Podcast – Practical tips, coping strategies, and relatable discussion.

Terrible, Thanks for Asking (Nora McInerny) – Honest and sometimes humorous reflections on grief and loss.

The Mindfulness & Grief Podcast (Heather Stang) – Focuses on meditation, resilience, and spiritual well-being.

Good Mourning – A conversational podcast with two young women sharing candidly about bereavement.

Unlocking Us (Brené Brown) – While not grief-specific, many episodes touch on vulnerability, resilience, and healing.

If I haven’t convinced you to add podcast listening to your emotional toolbox here is what you may gain from listening to bereavement related podcasts:

A reminder that you’re not alone – Hear stories that reflect your own journey.

Help learning to cope – Practical tips and strategies for moving through grief.

Gain Perspective – Understand emotions in new, comforting ways.

Find Comfort – Gentle voices validate what you’re feeling.

Listen Anywhere – Support on your schedule, wherever you are.

Connect with Experts – Advice from grief counselors and therapists.

Find Inspiration & Hope – Stories of resilience and remembrance.

Receive Emotional Release – Safe space to feel, reflect, and heal.

So go ahead… Press Play: It’s Podcast Day!

It's Hug A Card Writer Day!

Thu, 18 Sep 2025 07:00:14 GMT

Writing a meaningful condolence note...

Today is Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day , a day to honor the writers who provide the words on cards that help us express emotions for various occasions. The origin of this holiday is unknown, but it's celebrated annually to acknowledge the talent of people who write the message in the cards we so carefully choose.

The tradition of sending greetings stretches back thousands of years, with roots as early as Ancient China, where New Year’s messages were exchanged. The Ancient Egyptians are also believed to have shared greetings written on papyrus. By the 15th century, Europe embraced the practice, with handmade cards in Germany often featuring artwork, poetry, or both—celebrating occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day. In 1843, Sir Henry Cole of London commissioned the very first commercial Christmas card. Soon after, publishers began producing cards that made sending warm wishes more accessible to all. Today, an estimated 170 billion greeting cards are sent worldwide each year. My favorite method is an electronic card that gives me the option of writing my own message.

Finding the right words for a sympathy card can be challenging, especially after a tragic loss or when the deceased was a child or the bereaved was a long-term caregiver for the deceased. Mass-produced cards don’t always capture the depth of your feelings, and many people aren’t sure where to start. I’ve often been asked to help write condolence messages, so today seems like the perfect time to offer guidance—whether you’re adding a note to a store-bought card or writing on personal stationery.

There are three meaningful reasons for sending a condolence note:

To Offer Comfort and Support – A condolence note lets the grieving person know they are not alone and that others care about their loss. Even a few kind words can provide solace during a painful time.
To Honor and Remember the Deceased – Sharing a memory, quality, or impact of the person who died helps keep their memory alive and shows the bereaved that their loved one’s life mattered.
To Strengthen Connection – Reaching out in writing expresses compassion and thoughtfulness, deepening relationships and showing that you are present for the bereaved in their time of need.

Here are five thoughtful tips for writing a meaningful condolence note:

Keep It Simple and Sincere – Focus on expressing genuine sympathy rather than trying to say the “perfect” words. A few heartfelt sentences often mean more than lengthy explanations.
Acknowledge the Loss by Name – Mention the deceased by name to personalize your note and show that you recognize the significance of their life.
Share a Memory or Thought – If appropriate, include a fond memory, special quality, or impact the person had on you. This helps the bereaved feel that their loved one is remembered and valued.
Offer Support – Let the recipient know you are there for them, whether it’s listening, helping with daily tasks, or simply being present. Avoid vague phrases; a specific offer of help can be comforting.
Close with a Warm, Compassionate Note – End with a gentle, heartfelt sentiment such as “You are in my thoughts” or “Wishing you peace and comfort in this difficult time.”

Some years ago, I visited an elderly widower a few months after his wife’s passing. During our visit, he left the room and returned with a handful of sympathy cards. He spent over an hour sharing the story behind each one—the relationships, the memories, the love. Driving home, I realized that these cards gave him three things: a reminder he was not alone, the assurance of support, and the comfort of cherished memories. In grief, we need tangible reminders that we are cared for. A sympathy card, with its simple message, can offer healing, hope, and connection in those painful moments.

Like anything, writing condolence notes gets easier with practice. It’s never too late to offer your sympathy, and even a simple note can mean the world to someone grieving. Today, take a moment to become a thoughtful card writer—your words can bring comfort, connection, and hope to someone who truly needs it.

Participate in Suicide Prevention Awareness Month!

Thu, 04 Sep 2025 08:00:06 GMT

By attending an event, learning more, or simply sharing resources, you can be part of the movement to spread awareness, foster compassion, and bring hope.

One of the first significant losses I experienced was the death of my uncle, who, after many years of living with mental illness, died by suicide. This was in 1962, a time when conversations about mental health were rare and often misunderstood. My aunt, a nurse with a deep faith, responded with extraordinary compassion and strength. She guided her six children through their grief with understanding, awareness, and unwavering love, helping them to heal and grow despite their tragic loss. I have always admired her wisdom and tender heart. She showed us how to grieve my uncle’s death with dignity, to honor his life, and to remember him with the same respect we would give to any other loved one. It was many years later, in 2008, that September was first declared National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Since then, this month has served as a time to honor those affected by suicide, to raise awareness, and to connect individuals in need with support and treatment services.

Losing someone to suicide creates a wound unlike any other. For those left behind, grief often comes with a mix of emotions—confusion, guilt, anger, and a deep sorrow that words can rarely capture. The loss is not only the absence of a loved one but also the weight of unanswered questions: Why? Could I have done something? Did I miss the signs? This pain is made even heavier by the suddenness of the loss and the silence that so often surrounds suicide. Survivors are left carrying unfinished conversations, the longing for one more chance to help, and the heartbreaking awareness that someone they loved was suffering beyond what they could bear.

The journey through this grief is ongoing. It means learning to live with a loss that will always be part of you, to search for meaning in the midst of the senseless, and to slowly rebuild trust in a world that feels forever changed. Yet within this journey, there is also quiet courage. Survivors honor their loved ones by remembering with tenderness, by choosing to face each new day, and by carrying forward the light and love of the one they lost.

Suicide is often misunderstood. People who die by suicide are not simply “choosing” death—they are most often trying to escape pain that feels unbearable and unending. Each person’s story is unique and deeply personal, yet there are common struggles that can contribute to suicidal thoughts and behaviors:

Mental health challenges – Conditions such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, PTSD, and schizophrenia can cloud judgment, distort thinking, and make hope feel out of reach.
Overwhelming emotional pain – Feelings of shame, guilt, loneliness, rejection, or hopelessness may become too heavy to carry alone.
Trauma and abuse – Survivors of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse may feel trapped in wounds that feel impossible to heal.
Substance use – Alcohol and drugs can intensify despair, impair judgment, and lower inhibitions, increasing risk.
Major losses – The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, financial devastation, job loss, or sudden life changes can leave someone feeling without direction or support.
Chronic illness or pain – Ongoing physical suffering or disability can lead to feelings of hopelessness or of being a burden to others.
Bullying, stigma, or social isolation – Especially among young people, rejection and exclusion can feel overwhelming and unbearable.
A sense of no way out – Many describe it as feeling trapped in a tunnel with no light at the end, where suicide feels like the only escape from relentless suffering.

It is important to understand suicide is rarely about truly wanting life to end—it is most often about wanting the pain to stop. For those who grieve a suicide loss, this truth does not erase the heartbreak. But it can help shift the focus from blame to compassion—reminding us that behind each suicide is a human being who was suffering deeply and deserved care, connection, and hope.

If you or someone you know is in crisis,

please call or text 988

to connect with the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline .

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month is a time to break the silence, reduce stigma, and remind every person that they are not alone. Together, we can honor the lives of those we have lost, support the families and friends who grieve, and offer hope to those who are struggling. Here are some meaningful ways you can take part this September:

Every year, over 250 people die by gun violence in Massachusetts. More than half of these deaths are suicides—that’s enough to fill two subway cars on the MBTA Red Line. Behind each of these deaths is a devastated family and a grieving community. This National Suicide Prevention & Awareness Month, join The Samaritans and a panel of gun violence experts, state legislators, and advocates for a critical conversation on the current landscape of gun safety laws. In this webinar, you will: learn how to recognize warning signs and safely intervene when someone you love is in crisis; hear how Extreme Risk Protection Orders (ERPOs) can be used in Massachusetts to decrease the risk of someone hurting themselves or others. Discover ways to have effective conversations with legislators to advocate for policies that address gun violence and suicide prevention. Whether you are new to advocacy or looking to deepen your impact, you will leave this webinar with concrete tools and resources for having meaningful conversations that can save lives and create safer communities in Massachusetts. To learn more or register here: https://samaritanshope.org/event/webinar-building-safer-communities/

Central MA Walk to Prevent Suicide – Walk alongside others to raise awareness and support the mission of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP).

When: Saturday, September 27 at 9:00 a.m. Where: Polar Park, Worcester, MA

To learn more or register:

https://www.umassmed.edu/capes/events/2025/09/american-foundation-for-suicide-prevention-walk-2025/

 Talk Saves Lives Free AFSP presentations offering education and resources. https://afsp.org/talk-saves-lives/

Veterans-focused session: September 11
General session: September 16

ZSA Virtual Train-a-thon – A series of online training sessions offered by the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). When: Wednesday, September 10

To learn more or register: https://www.zerosuicidealliance.com/zsa-trainathon-2025

By attending an event, learning more, or simply sharing resources, you can be part of the movement to spread awareness, foster compassion, and bring hope. This September, let’s join together for National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. �� Every step we take—listening, learning, checking in, or sharing resources—helps break the silence and reduce the stigma.

National Grief Awareness Day - August 30th.

Thu, 21 Aug 2025 05:00:10 GMT

Creating a Compassionate, Grief Literate Culture

August 30 is National Grief Awareness Day —a time to honor our losses, support one another, and remember that no one needs to walk through grief alone. Whether your loss is recent or years past, your story matters. This day is a chance to share, listen, and be present for others who understand the language of loss. It saddens me that in order to create a compassionate grief literate culture we need a national day to improve our care of the bereaved. Let us use this day to open conversations, break the silence around grief, and offer kindness to ourselves and those around us. Even the smallest act—lighting a candle, wearing something in remembrance, or reaching out to someone—will make a difference. Our voice, our presence, and our compassion will help create a space where healing is possible. So please do something this week that involves helping those who are mourning the loss of a loved one. Here are some tips to get you started as reflect on how to participate.

Questions that Invite Sharing about a deceased loved One

What is one of your favorite memories of your loved one?
How would you describe them to someone who never met them?
Which of your loved one’s qualities do you see living on in you or others?
Is there a story about them you find yourself returning to?

Questions that Acknowledge the Grief

How are you getting through today?
What has felt hardest for you lately?
What has been helping you, even a little, when the grief feels heavy?
Are there times when the loss feels especially painful for you?

Questions that Offer Gentle Support

Would it help to talk about them right now, or would you rather have a distraction?
What kind of support feels most comforting to you these days?
Are there certain times or days when you could use extra company or a check-in?
Is there a way I can honor them with you?

Here’s a list of compassionate, concrete things you can do for someone actively grieving a loss. These are meant to show presence, care, and support without overwhelming them:

Acts of Presence

Sit with them quietly, allowing silence to be okay.
Offer a gentle hug, touch on the hand, or simply your presence if welcome.
Say their loved one’s name often and listen more than you speak.

Practical Help

Bring prepared meals or arrange a meal train.
Help with household chores: laundry, dishes, vacuuming, yardwork.
Offer to drive them to appointments, errands, or the cemetery.
Take care of small but draining tasks (mail, groceries, pet care).

Emotional Support

Check in regularly with simple messages like, “Thinking of you today.”
Remember anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays with a note or call.
Give them space to talk about their loved one without changing the subject.
Create a safe space for tears, anger, or silence.

Honoring Their Loved One

Light a candle in their loved one’s memory and let them know.
Create or share a memory book, photo collage, or playlist.
Donate to a cause meaningful to their loved one.
Invite them to share a story about their loved one with you.

Gentle Companionship

Go for a walk together.
Invite them for coffee, with no pressure to talk about grief unless they want to.
Sit together and watch a comforting show or movie.
Encourage restful activities like listening to music or journaling.

Ongoing Care

Continue support beyond the first weeks—grief lasts far longer than people assume.
Offer to accompany them to a grief group, memorial, or service.
Ask directly, “What would feel supportive right now?”

For more ideas on participating in National Grief Awareness Day stop by Mile’s table at Holden Days, this Saturday August 23rd located at the funeral home on Main St. I am happy to help individuals and organizations develop grief literacy.

Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day

Thu, 07 Aug 2025 07:30:03 GMT

Honoring the pets who have touched our lives.

A dear friend recently experienced the devastating loss of her home in a tragic fire. In a heartfelt reflection shared on Facebook, she included a touching tribute and photograph of their beloved dog who sadly perished in the fire. The image deeply moved me, reminding me of the profound role pets play in our lives and how their loss is deeply felt—regardless of the circumstances. Pet loss can be as heart wrenching a grief as the death of a human friend or loved one.

Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day, observed on August 18, offers an opportunity to honor and remember the pets who have touched our lives. In case you are not familiar with it, here is the tale The Rainbow Bridge:

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…. (Author unknown)

Here are several meaningful, creative, and community-centered ways to participate in the August 18th Remembrance:

�� Acts of Kindness in Memory

Donate to a Local Shelter or Rescue

Contribute supplies, money, or time in your pet’s name.

Sponsor a Shelter Pet

Choose a pet in need and sponsor their care in memory of your beloved companion.

Make or Donate Pet Toys or Blankets

Craft toys or cozy items and donate them to shelters.

Send a Care Package to a Friend Who Lost a Pet

Include comforting items and a handwritten note.

�� Personal Tributes

Create a Memory Shrine: Display photos, toys, collars, or urns in a special place at home. Light a candle in their memory.

Write a Letter to Your Pet: Share memories, feelings, or updates. Place it near their resting spot or keep it in a journal.

Memory Album or Scrapbook: Make a photo book of your pet’s life. Include favorite stories, funny moments, or vet visit stickers.

Plant a Tree or Garden: Dedicate a plant, flower bed, or tree in their name.

Rainbow Bridge Art Project: Paint or draw a rainbow or your pet in a peaceful place. Create paw print art if you have prints saved.

�� Community & Social Media Engagement:

Share a Tribute Post: Post a photo and memory using hashtags like #RainbowBridgeRemembranceDay or #RememberingMyPet.

Join an Online Pet Memorial Service: Participate in or host a virtual candle lighting or memorial on Zoom or Facebook Live.

Pet Memorial Wall or Event (Local or Virtual): Create a physical or digital board where people can post names and photos of their pets.

�� Creative Ways to Celebrate

Hold a Rainbow Picnic or Walk

Wear rainbow colors and take a walk or picnic in your pet’s favorite park.

Listen to or Create a Playlist

Include songs that remind you of your pet or helped you heal.

Make a Wind Chime or Garden Stone

Personalize it with their name, paw prints, or favorite colors.

Release Biodegradable Lanterns or Bubbles

Symbolically send your love to the Rainbow Bridge.

Join us on Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day on August 18 ^th by visiting the Miles Funeral Home Facebook or Instagram page to post a reflection or picture of on your pet. Share your pet’s impact on your life and what you've learned through loss and love.

If you are in need of afterlife services for your pet nearby locations that have cremation services and/or memorial gardens for pets include:

Forever Friends Cremation & Funeral Services (Worcester, MA)

Address: 17 Prentice Street, Worcester, MA 01604 bbb.org fureverpetcremation.com
Phone: (508) 414‑1339 bbb.org manta.com
Email: via website contact form (info not publicly listed)
Website: fureverpetcremation.com fureverpetcremation.com fureverpetcremation.com

Services:

Private cremation for individual pets (only that pet in chamber)
Return of cremated remains via vet or directly to family
Paw print certificate, fur clipping, temporary urn
Grief support, memorial products, tributes

Forget‑Me‑Not Pet Crematory (Northborough, MA)

Address: 80 Lyman Street, Northborough, MA 01532 forget-me-notpetcrematory.com mapquest.com
Phone: (508) 393‑0133 forget-me-notpetcrematory.com loc8nearme.com
Email: not publicly listed (contact via website form)
Website: forget-me-notpetcrematory.com forget-me-notpetcrematory.com forget-me-notpetcrematory.com

Services:

Individual and group cremation for dogs, cats, birds, other pets up to ~300 lbs
Option to attend cremation process (by appointment)
Memorial products (urns, pendants), grief support, remembrance services

Joel’s Memorial Pet Garden

Address: Gardner Animal Care Center – Joel’s Memorial Pet Garden (in Gardner, MA) Website: gardneranimalcarecenter.com
Phone: (978) 632‑7110 (main clinic line)

Services:

Veterinary care (AAHA‑accredited full‑service animal hospital)
Memorial garden for pets—visitors may place rocks, ashes, or mementos in tribute
Additional services: boarding, grooming, training, behavioral consultations, adoption, seminars, agility/playgroups, community events

My loved one is on hospice… should I call the funeral home?

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Wed, 23 Jul 2025 19:10:38 GMT

Preparing one’s after-life care complements the hospice philosophy of empowering choice. It eases one of the most stressful concerns of dying and offers an opportunity for a life review.

As an educator for a funeral home, I begin nearly every community presentation speaking about the impacts of living in a death phobic, grief-illiterate culture. Most of my daily work involves helping people become less fearful of death and more knowledgeable about grief. Having worked in end-of-life healthcare for years, I have a deep respect for hospice as a valued provider that embraces death and grief with knowledge and grace.

Dame Cicely Saunders pioneered the modern concept of hospice in the UK in the 1960s focusing on palliative care and quality of life for the terminally ill. The first hospice in the United States in 1974 was established in Connecticut, closely following Saunder’s care model. Hospice care has grown more popular and readily available since the establishment of the Medicare Hospice Benefit. According to Definitive Health Care there are now approximately 8,514 active hospice organizations in the United States. ¹

Hospice provides specialized care at a healthcare facility or at one’s home, offering physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual care to people nearing the end of life. With compassion and skill hospice workers are trained to keep patients comfortable, to assist families caring for their loved one, and to equip patients and their loved ones with the resources they need to face death with ease. Hospice programs that receive federal funding are also required to offer bereavement services. As an educator I appreciate hospice’s approach to end-of-life care and bereavement support because the more awareness we have about death the less fearful we are, and the more we understand loss, the better prepared we are to help people grieve healthily.

Lately, I have been thinking about how natural it is to include funeral care in the hospice model. Preparing one’s after-life care complements the hospice philosophy of empowering choice. It eases one of the most stressful concerns of dying and offers an opportunity for a life review. Being open about an impending death helps a dying person and their loved ones examine a person’s legacy and helps people leave this earth on their own terms. Honoring a life when someone passes is critical to helping loved ones step into the grieving process with peace, comfort and a healthy path forward. Having a plan in place that the deceased designed is always a relief to survivors who sometimes experience grave doubts when they aren’t sure what their loved one wanted.

Like trained specialists in hospice, the funeral industry has professionals skilled in preparing for death. These are funeral directors with special certification in advanced funeral planning and their role is to help you create an after-life care plan that is right for you. Preplanning includes the immediate care of your body, the celebration of your life, final disposition of your body or cremated remains, and initiating your legacy. Personalized memorials have become popular, and a trained pre-planning specialist has all the resources at hand to help people design the after-life care that best reflects their life story and fits their pocketbook. Like a wedding planner or event planner, the funeral director knows what is possible and understands details of which laypersons are unaware.

If you are a hospice worker or are currently involved with hospice care, think about the value of funeral care planning. Consider meeting with a pre-planning specialist from a funeral home to learn about and review the many options available for after-life care. For a closer look at what preplanning involves and to be introduced to Amber Ditomasso , Mile’s certified pre-planner, read the Thoughtful Thursday blog entry of January 27, 2022.

https://editor.tukioswebsites.com/home/site/dc69e718/blog/preplanning-101-everything-you-need-to-know

¹ ( https://www.definitivehc.com/resources/healthcare-insights/number-of-hospice-organizations-by-state )

Legacies Continue the Love

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Tue, 08 Jul 2025 11:06:46 GMT

Keeping Love Alive....

Four years ago in a Thoughtful Thursday blog about funerals I wrote the following:

“Good funerals reveal the heart of a person’s legacy. Whether choosing the readings, selecting songs, writing the obituary or the eulogy, these outward actions, reveal the inner meaning of a person’s life. A person’s legacy is how we will remember them, the specific things we recall they said or did or how relationship with them felt. Your legacy carries your inner most truth and the outward actions that made a difference to others. Legacies are passed from one generation to the next, or person-to-person, and carry precious ideas, deep love, enriching stories that guide and give hope and courage. We are creating our legacy every moment of every day. Like grain that is sown, remains in the earth a while, sprouts and yields its gift in due time, so too with each of us.” (Pam Reidy, February 18, 2021)

As Miles embarks on adding legacy planning to its offerings, I reiterate the value of legacy as a means of celebrating those we love. Funerals are one means, but for some people they are not the most meaningful way to celebrate a life. The annual road race in tribute to a life well-lived, a bench on the rail trail, or a well-scripted legacy letter can be more memorable and healing than a funeral. Funerals, memorials, and life celebrations are important because they acknowledge our loss and begin the grieving process. Legacies help us experience the memories and continue the love, reflecting what we hold of our deceased loved ones in our hearts forever. A librarian friend of mine died a few years ago. Although her celebration of life was carefully planned and meaningful, what I most remember were the many books people donated in her memory. I can still vision the pile of books at the funeral home that people brought to her service to honor her love of books and her legacy as an astute, trusted, loving librarian. The memory of that stack of books puts a smile on my face, creates peace in my heart and brings the joy of having known her to life. Legacy does that, it recreates a living presence of someone.

Legacy memorials include planting a tree or garden, creating a memorial space in one’s yard, home or a place the deceased enjoyed. Additional legacy items include creating an online memorial page or sharing a playlist of music. Tributes include monetary donations, giving time to a cause your loved one believed in, or creating an annual event to memorialize something significant to them. Legacy items have become very popular and range from photo or story books chronicling the decedent’s life, values and accomplishments. Memory boxes holding items special to the deceased loved one are not new but have regained popularity. Many people are now getting tattoos that reflect the name, special date or symbol to memorialize their loved one.

Remembering and honoring someone we love is not just about the preciousness a life past, it involves healing as we move into future with our deceased loved ones alive in new ways. When the physical body is gone, the relationship does not end, it changes. At the core of our new relationship is their legacy, it is the gift that remains.

Think about your legacy. How do you want to be remembered? How will those who love you, celebrate your life? What final messages do you have for those you love? What can you do today to begin creating something that shares your legacy with those you love?

“We must begin thinking like a river if we are to leave a legacy of beauty and life for future generations.” ― David Brower

Let the seasons lead your grief....

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Thu, 26 Jun 2025 09:44:04 GMT

To every season...there is a lesson in grief

This week's extreme heat had me remembering a post I offered four years ago as an introduction to personifying the seasons as mentors of grief. I re-post it here as a reminder to let the seasons lead your grief journey.

Last week Massachusetts experienced classic springtime weather. I lightheartedly put a meme on my Facebook page that read “I’m ready for the rest of this week. I have my umbrella, my flip flops, my mittens, my suntan lotion, my winter coat, my sunglasses, my thermals, my iced tea and my hot chocolate”. In a matter of hours, I hiked through a winter wind chill of 12° and 72° heat that brought sweat to my brow. I couldn’t help but observe the similarities between our fickle weather and a soul finding its way through loss. A grief-stricken heart can shift just as swiftly as New England weather.

Because human nature so brilliantly mirrors the natural world, the seasons hold powerful tutorials to guide us through grief’s journey. Each season offers unique indicators of the eternal cycle of dying and rising and dying again. Embracing these signs helps tap into our innate wisdom of the death and renewal process. The repetition of seasons allows for the years of instruction we need to embrace the mysteries of death. So often we think we know a thing and then life suddenly propels us deeper, shaping a loftier sense of it. The repetition of seasons is nature’s way of helping us dive more deeply into life’s mystery; it’s called growth! No matter how many deaths we experience, our schooling on loss is never finished.

My first significant death was in December, but it was nine months later, in the autumn when I began to struggle with that loss. Winter, spring and summer held the shock for me, shielding me from feeling death, but when autumn came and thrust me into the precious, perilous work of grief. The falling leaves, shorter days, the occasional chill in the blowing wind, each a painful reminder that life as I had known it had ended. For every leaf that fell, another tear found its way down my cheek. Raking dead leaves was a stark, painful prompt of how cruel life could be. It took many more autumns for me to understand that those decaying leaves play a vital role in helping the earth protect itself for the rebirth that follows in the spring.

In its beauty and capriciousness, earth holds the secrets to balance our inner self, care for our physical body and impart deep peace and understanding. We have only to observe, consider, and embrace the lessons.

“Grief is like 4 seasons in one day. Where you feel like withering and falling like an autumn leaf. Or you feel the bitter cold of a winter’s storm. Then there are those moments when your life springs into flower and the warmth of the sun brings light into your life. Good grief is when you acknowledge these moments.”

Dean Aitken, ‘Good Grief’

Where can I find that?

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Thu, 12 Jun 2025 10:41:51 GMT

Internet Resources for the Grieving Heart

Finding grief support that aligns with your individual preferences!

In times of need, discovering the most reliable support can make all the difference in navigating life's challenges. The internet has become an invaluable tool for individuals seeking bereavement support, offering a vast array of resources that can be overwhelming to navigate. From informative podcasts and comprehensive online libraries to personalized consultations with experts and various support groups tailored to specific grief-related topics, there are a multitude of options available that address diverse needs. Whether a resource is located nearby or at a distance, diligent research can help you find suitable support that aligns with individual preferences. For those who may not find traditional support groups appealing, numerous websites provide insightful information that can help with the grieving process. While local resources offer the advantage of in-person interaction and easy follow-up, larger, well-established national organizations often compile the most up-to-date information and are staffed with knowledgeable people dedicated to providing ongoing support. I am pleased to share five bereavement resources that I frequently recommend for those navigating the grief journey.

What’s Your Grief ? https://whatsyourgrief.com/ (recommended for the general population)

This website is a comprehensive haven for those navigating the complex journey of grief. It thoughtfully divides its resources into three dedicated sections: one tailored for the griever, another designed for those who wish to support someone in mourning, and a third aimed at professionals who specialize in bereavement and grief work. Within these sections, visitors will find a rich array of articles, insightful blog posts, and valuable resources that delve into the many facets of grief and its related topics. Each piece is crafted to provide guidance, solace, and understanding, making this website an essential companion for anyone seeking to navigate the often-tumultuous waters of loss.

The Dougy Center https://www.dougy.org/ (Recommended for children & families)

The Dougy Center embodies a compassionate and comprehensive philosophy that emphasizes a humanistic and holistic approach to understanding and supporting grieving children and their families. It serves as an invaluable resource for parents, grandparents, and professionals alike who are dedicated to assisting children in navigating the complexities of loss. With a wealth of educational materials, training opportunities, and an array of engaging activities and tools available for download, the center equips families and children with the necessary support to foster healing and resilience during difficult times. The Dougy Center stands as a beacon of hope and guidance, inviting all to explore its resources and empowering them to create meaningful connections in their journey through grief.

Soaring Spirits International - https://soaringspirits.org/ (recommended for partner loss)

Soaring Spirits International stands out as an exceptional beacon of hope and support for anyone navigating the profound journey of loss after the death of a partner. With a wealth of programs, resources, and events tailored to meet the diverse needs of the widowed community, their website serves as a comprehensive hub for healing and connection. Embracing a wonderfully inclusive perspective, Soaring Spirits defines "widow" in the broadest sense, welcoming individuals from all walks of life—whether married, single, or divorced at the time of loss, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, and whether they have children or not. This heartfelt commitment to inclusivity ensures that anyone who has experienced the heartache of outliving the person they intended to spend the rest of their life with finds a supportive space to share their journey, connect with others, and discover the resources they need to thrive.

Grief Out loud: A podcast o ffered by the Dougy Center and hosted by Jana DeCristofaro, this podcast “is opening up this often-avoided conversation because grief is hard enough without having to go through it alone., bring a mix of personal stories, tips for supporting children, teens, and yourself, and interviews with professionals. Platitude and cliché-free, we promise! This podcast can be found on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/75hicI0owzQKJmUuFwP4oc?si=6d6382010db14236 or on the Dougy Center webpage https://www.dougy.org/news-media/podcasts .

Healing with David Kessler

Healing with David Kessler" is a weekly podcast, a Parcast Original, that focuses on grief, trauma, and healing. Hosted by grief and loss expert David Kessler, the show features conversations with guests exploring how healing is possible, what it looks like, and how it can lead to a more fulfilling life. The podcast aims to be a space for sharing wisdom and hope, particularly for those who feel stuck in the aftermath of loss. David Kessler is one of the world’s foremost experts on grief and loss. His experience with thousands of people on the edge of life and death has taught him the secrets to living a happy and fulfilled life, even afterlife’s tragedies.

He is the founder of www.grief.com, which has over five million visits yearly from 167 countries. David’s podcast can be accessed through Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1PYZ3ws1OFVWLkT4vc7GlS?si=3162479fe5a04965 or at Grief.Com https://grief.com/podcasts/

It may take time, a bit of internet savvy, and a commitment to finding what you need, but it is worth the effort. If you are interested in attending a group session to explore web-based resources that can help you on the grief journey please email me at Pam@Milesfuneralhome.com If there is enough interest, I will offer a group session.

What come next.... Talking about the Afterlife.

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Thu, 29 May 2025 08:00:05 GMT

Knowing what someone believed gives their survivors reassurance and peace.

Today, May 29, 2025, is Ascension Thursday, the day that Christians commemorate Jesus’ return to heaven. I admit it’s one of my favorite Christian celebrations because the subject of what lies beyond this world has always intrigued me. I usually mark the day exploring various theories, customs, and rituals concerning what happens after death. The last few years, I have included listening to podcasts about the afterlife. This year is no exception, but I am also taking the opportunity to recommend that you also reflect on what you believe will happen to you after your death. More importantly, I encourage you to share your thoughts, explorations and beliefs with those you love.

When helping a family plan a memorial service or celebration of life for a loved one, one of the questions I ask is, “What did s/he believe about what would happen to them after life?” Almost all people have the same answer, “I don’t know, we never talked about it.” The second most common answer is “They believed in heaven.” When I probe a bit further about their loved one’s concept of heaven, the conversation often circles back to “I really don’t know, we just never talked about it beyond their belief that they were going there.”

So many people I serve wish they had a conversation with their loved ones about the afterlife. Such a discussion would have given them the reassurance needed for the plans they were arranging. Where there is no conversation, people often have no idea if they should include prayers, poems, or references to an afterlife in the celebration. As a minister, I am careful not to include references that would offend the deceased or their family. Knowing the beliefs of the deceased is therefore valuable to me. In cases of an unanticipated or tragic death, loved ones often experience additional upset because they are so unsure of what the decedent would want. Conversely, knowing what someone believed gives their survivors reassurance and peace. Because I have encountered so many people who have been left wondering what their loved one would want, my prevailing opinion is that we need to talk about it. The National Funeral Directors Association has a great program to guide people who want to have a conversation; it is called The Talk of A Lifetime ^© . This link can help you learn more about helpful conversations about life and death.

https://www.rememberingalife.com/pages/have-the-talk-of-a-lifetime

None of us knows for sure what follows this life and we won’t know until it is our turn to pass from this mortal life. Educating ourselves on the possibilities, reading from the masters of philosophy, science, and religion can be a good start for contemplating what we believe. Some notable sources include the scriptures or holy written works of your espoused religion, or books by mediums who regularly connect with people on the other side of the earthly plane. Books or articles that address scientific research such as Life After Life: A Groundbreaking Exploration of Near-Death Experiences and the Transformative Insights into the Afterlife, Backed by Scientific Study and Personal Testimonies, or podcasts that address specific topics such as purgatory and heaven are also a good place to start. It’s good to begin with a question or area you find interesting. Death and the afterlife are by nature heavy topics, but there are many authors, artists and teachers who have mastered the gift of simplicity in talking about these inexplicable topics.

USE THE COMMENT BOX AT THE END OF THIS POST TO ENTER A RESOURCE THAT YOU HAVE FOUND HELPFUL IN CLARIFYING YOUR IDEAS ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE. IT CAN BE A BOOK, ARTICLE, MOVIE, A PERSON, OR A MOVIE.

Grief: It's A Family Affair

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Tue, 13 May 2025 11:09:19 GMT

Supporting Grieving Families

The International Day of Families, held annually on May 15, celebrates families and promotes the importance of a healthy and well-balanced family. When a member of one’s family of origin dies, a family is forever changed; effective support can help them maintain their balance and promote health and healing. I have heard so many people lament that they don’t know how to help a grieving family. Today we give suggestions and resources for people supporting grieving families.

When supporting a family through a death loss the most important thing we can do is to be present to them and to honor their pain. Families do not expect us to take their pain away. We do not need have to have answers to life’s mysteries; however it is helpful when we join them in asking the big questions, not shying away nor fearing what we cannot know. A family can easily get lost in the chaos and disruption that often accompany a death and we can help families restore and maintain calm, simply by helping them maintain some regularity, especially with their daily routine. It’s natural to want to fix things, to solve things, but what helps families to navigate the changes is the security that love provides.

In tribute to the grieving families Miles has served and in observance of the International Day of Families we offer grief resources for continued healing. Sometimes the best way for us to help grieving families is to connect them with effective community resources. These are reputable resources Mile’s often suggests.

Hope Lives Here - https://www.hlhgrief.org/home – Located in Holden this all volunteer group, offers in-person, specialized bereavement support groups.

The Children’s Room – Arlington, MA. https://childrensroom.org/ A bit of a ride, but excellent resources for grieving children.

Why My/Sherry’s House – Worcester, MA https://whyme.org/sherrys-house/ a wonderful support system for families who have lost a child to cancer.

Additional resources for families:

The Dougy Center https://www.dougy.org/ focuses on grief support for children and families, providing a safe space for sharing experiences and offering education and training.

The Compassionate Friends : https://www.compassionatefriends.org/ offers friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings. They have a network of chapters nationwide.

Bereaved Parents of the USA : https://bereavedparentsusa.org/ P rovides support, understanding, compassion, and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings, with support groups and resources to help navigate grief.

GriefShare : https://www.griefshare.org/ offers support groups for individuals of all ages, whether they've experienced the loss of a spouse, child, parent, or other loved one.

MISS Foundation : https://www.missfoundation.org/ offers counseling, advocacy, research, and education services to families experiencing the death of a child, including HOPE Mentors and online support.

Coalition to Support Grieving Students : https://grievingstudents.org/ This organization focuses on creating grief-sensitive schools and provides resources for teachers, administrators, and support staff.

Center for Loss and Life Transition : https://www.centerforloss.com/ This center offers trainings for service providers on bereavement care and resources for individuals grieving or helping others.

Miles Funeral Home also provides four in-person educational seminars each year to support grievers. This Saturday, May 17 ^th we will explore how loss is an integral part of life and how we can use the skills we have developed in other losses to heal from death loss.

You can learn more and register for the seminar here:

https://lp.constantcontactpages.com/.../3c42a6ca-b199...

International Bereaved Mothers Day

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Thu, 01 May 2025 16:19:49 GMT

The saddest day of the year...

This weekend, Sunday, May 4 ^th marks the annual commemoration of International Bereaved Mother’s Day, honoring mothers who have lost a child. It is also a day to recognize women who cannot be a mother due to infertility or other health reasons. The loss of a child is painful for both parents, however there are unique grief concerns for moms related to the physical connection between a mother and child. A mother is the first to know a child as she carries it in her womb and for every person, our mom is the first person we know. This bond is present in no other human relationship.

Here are some ways to support a grieving mom as we approach Mother’s Day:

Listen lovingly and often.
Ask about their child lovingly and often.
Send them a bouquet of flowers for International Bereaved Mother’s Day. (5/4/25)
Send them a letter detailing the wonderful things you remember about their child, include a picture if you have one.
Take them out for a long walk, a special lunch or engage in their favorite activity with them.
Ask them what most honors their motherhood and make it happen!
Introduce them to Rosemerry Trommer Wahtola’s poetry which is deeply connected to the loss of her child.
Make a donation or perform a special act of remembrance in honor of their child.

Whatever you choose to do to support a grieving mom, know that what matters most is the support and love that come with remembering them and their child around Mother’s Day. The failure to remember and honor a mother who has lost a child adds additional pain to an already heartbreaking situation.

Tara Nash is a spiritual psychologist and conscious grief guide located in the UK. For international bereaved mother’s day she is offering a gentle breathwork, stretching and sharing circle this Sunday at 6pm UK time . Sharing is optional but encouraged. She believes in the power of connection and having grief witnessed, further she states: “We are all teachers for one another, in community we help one another heal.” Here is a link to register:

Online Yoga & Breathwork Classes

To all Bereaved moms reading this post, know that we at Miles Funeral Home remember, honor and share in your loss. Please reach out to us and ask for what your grieving heart needs during the heartrending days surrounding Mother’s Day.

It's National Poetry Month!

pam@milesfuneralhome.com (Pam Reidy) — Tue, 22 Apr 2025 10:37:09 GMT

Poems, like a kaleidoscope, remind me that with a slight turning things appear even more beautiful.

I love April, not the least because it is National Poetry month. Poetry holds a treasured place in my life. Like a friend who comes to spend the afternoon, poems renew my body, mind and spirit. At times, the text is a trusted family member urging me toward emotional growth, other times a single perfectly placed word arrests me, forcing me to stop to explore new wisdom. Like a kaleidoscope, with the slightest twist, a worthy poem bares fresh ideas and births new passions.

Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer was born a woman of words, made and fashioned as much a poet as a human. For years she drafted a poem a day, building an anthology teeming with the wildly beautiful and rich mysteries of life. Then in August of 2021, just before his 17 ^th birthday, Rosemerry’s son Finn took his life. Experiencing one of the greatest agonies a mother can, she devotedly gave her pain to pen and paper, over and over again. Grief found a natural voice in her work and as a result we mourners are blessed with a plethora of beautiful verses and valuable lessons. For healing your grieving heart I recommend you invite Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer to join your journey.

A few years ago Evermore chose Rosemerry as their poet laureate. Rosemerry describes poetry’s impact on grief on Evermore’s website:

“I believe poetry can help us meet the most difficult moments of our lives. It doesn’t make things easier. It offers no answers. It fixes nothing. But it does offer us a way to touch our grief, to connect with the lives and deaths of our loved ones, to give voice to our anguish, to find compassion for each other, to fall in love with the world that is left, to find solace in community, to express our heartache and to explore the complex landscape of our hearts.”

https://evermore.org/our-poet-laureate-rosemerry-wahtola-trommer/

It is hard for me to select a single poem to introduce you to Rosemerry, because I appreciate so many of them. But the following is one I often use at celebrations of life, because it brings us to the heart of grief’s work.

For the Living

June 5, 2022 by Rosemerry

He has given you his love light to carry.
—Wendy Videlock

It is the work of the living
to grieve the dead.
It is our work to wake each day,
to live into the world that is.
It is our work to weep,
and it is our work to be healed.
Some part of us knows
not only the absence of our beloveds,
but also their presence,
how they continue to teach us,
how they invite us to grow.
It is our work to be softened by loss,
to be undone, destroyed, remade.
Wounded, we recoil,
and it is our work to notice how,
like crushed and trampled grass,
we spring back.
It is our work to meet death again
and again and again,
and though it aches to be open,
it is our work to be opened,
to live into the opening
until we know ourselves
as blossoms nourished from within
by the radiance of the ones
who are no longer physically here.
They have given us their love light to carry.
It is our work to be in service to that light.

I invite you to celebrate National Poetry month by exploring Rosemerry’s poems. Follow her at https://ahundredfallingveils.com/ .

What would we do without them???

Thu, 20 Mar 2025 04:00:00 GMT

What would we do without them???

Miles Funeral Home is blessed with highly trained, compassionate Funeral Directors, who we featured in our last blog to celebrate National Funeral Directors Day. Like event planners,, Funeral Directors excel at pulling all the details together to ensure a meaningful tribute of a person’s life. But they don’t work alone; behind every good funeral director is a team of professionals who also deserve a day to honor and celebrate their work. Today’s blog introduces and celebrates the team of workers that support our funeral directors.

Miles has an exceptional office staff who do everything from answering a family’s first call to creating the perfect video that lovingly tells a person’s story. With compassion and concern for grievers and a proclivity for detail, our three-person office team follows through with a plethora of paper work such as filing death certificates, burial and cremation documentation, and making financial payments to vendors. However, one of their most treasured specialties is personalized memorial tributes such as programs, videos, candles, and ancillary items used for the visitation or service. What is notable about the Miles support office staff is their superb teamwork.

Another group of workers that make the Miles experience a caring one are the part-timers whose job includes going to homes, facilities and hospitals to bring people into our care. These same workers are the people who greet guests for visitation and funeral services, and who make the transportation to burial sites run smoothly. They help park your car, hold an umbrella for you, open the doors for you, transport flowers after the service, make sure you have water and tissues, or supply that unanticipated item you need like an eyeglass kit to fix your glasses.

A very special group of staff are those who prepare our loved ones for viewing and visitation. These include embalmers and cosmetologists. This specialist area is not often thought about but is regularly lauded by families for whom the final good-bye is made easily because of the staff’s care and technical preparation skills. Funeral homes also work with a number of ancillary contracted people such as musicians, ministers, restaurant venues, groundskeepers, and florists. Miles has developed a solid relationship with a wide array of people helping the team prepare and implement a flawless, meaningful remembrance for each person we serve.

While our families do not see the behind-the-scenes work of the support staff, they do remark on how well everything came together for their loved one’s funeral. It’s rather simple: teamwork and compassion have made Miles the number one funeral home in Central Massachusetts. With empathy, we make our home your own when you need it, a home filled with people whose expertise, attention to detail, and thoughtfulness permeate every task. We recognize and honor that none of it could happen without a whole lot of people and teamwork. So we live by the African proverb: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

Today we honor and thank the support staff of Miles Funeral Home.

Can anything good come out of grief?

Thu, 06 Mar 2025 05:00:00 GMT

Can anythi ng good come out of grief?

Recently, during a bereavement support group session, I mentioned that there are many gifts to be discovered along the journey of grief. Visibly taken aback by my statement, a new widow asked, “Is there anything good about grief?” I noted memories as one of the more precious gifts on the journey. Many grievers shy away from recalling even the joyful moments for fear of confronting the pain of their loss. However, other grievers say that reliving memories of their loved ones lifts their spirits, instilling a profound sense of gratitude. Depending on the specific memory, individuals may experience both reactions—joy and sorrow. Some recollections are inherently painful, while others can easily evoke a smile. Memories are not merely a cognitive exercise but are intrinsically tied to deep emotions. Recalling a cherished memory momentarily transports us to a comforting place, providing a sense of solace.

There are other gifts to be found on the grief journey, like personal growth. When a soulmate dies, the grief journey includes a great deal of change in daily living, inviting unplanned development like learning to do new things or adopting another perspective on reality. Deepening our compassion for others is a frequent outcome of the grief journey. Many grievers come to a deeper realization of what the loss of a beloved involves emotionally and physically and the impact it has on one’s spirit. A deeper understanding yields a deeper compassion for others who are suffering a loss. The reason that support groups are so helpful is because there is a whole lot of hard-won compassion in the room.

Joanne Cacciatore, a seasoned griever, psychologist, grief therapist, and author, believes, “The work of grieving is hallowed ground, deserving our pause, our recognition, and hands pressed together at our hearts.” She is absolutely correct.

Miles Funeral Home’s upcoming Sharing Hope Bereavement Seminar will explore Cacciatore’s insights as we delve into the grief journey, viewing it as a natural pathway to softening our hearts, relinquishing control, and embracing the profound mysteries of life and death.

A Path to Compassion: Embracing Death & Becoming Grief Informed

Saturday, March 22, 2025, 1-3 p.m.

Holden Senior Center – 1130 Main Street, Holden

Please pre-register by calling our office at (508) 829-4434 or (978) 422-0100 or using the link below. The seminar is free and open to the public. It includes lunch. Each guest will receive a copy of Joanne Cacciatore’s book Grieving is Loving.

National Funeral Directors Day

Thu, 20 Feb 2025 05:00:00 GMT

National Funeral Directors Day

National Funeral Directors Day is celebrated annually on March 11th to honor the work of people who help us through some of the most difficult days of our lives. Who are these caring people and what is their daily work life like?

Funeral Directors are similar to other professionals who deal with the intricacies of arranging for an event; they are unlike others because their work involves the details of death, specifically, caring for the physical body of the deceased. In arranging for funerals, visitations, memorial celebrations and the disposition of the body, funeral directors are bound by a plethora of state and federal laws which they must fully understand and execute.

The personal attributes of a director are as critical to their work as the skills of body preparation, details for planning a time of visitation with the family or arranging the many details of a funeral. Good funeral directors are empathetic, open, warm and caring with excellent listening skills. They must have seasoned written and verbal communication skills and be able to maintain professionalism and sensitivity in stressful situations. Their work requires an understanding and compassion for a wide range of religious and secular traditions, respecting and doing justice to each.

In order to complete their daily work, funeral directors need more than personal attributes; they must be able to multi-task, be detail-oriented, good at logistics, and accurate with legal paperwork. Because funeral directors work with so many individuals to facilitate a funeral, such as clergy, support staff, guest and family members, and other institutions like the crematory, cemetery, church and town offices, they must be effective collaborators.

The hours are irregular, including evenings and weekends and one’s personal schedule changes with rapidity, sometimes without notice, making flexibility a stand-out requirement. Funeral Directors are caring people who understand the need to remain in contact with a family as they pass through the immediate stages of a loss. Like many of the helping professions, funeral work can be emotionally taxing and thus is more a “calling” than a job.

Kora Michaud, one of the recently hired funeral directors at Miles describes her role in this way:

Funeral service captures the essence of humanity, encompassing love, loss, and hope, making it an honor to serve in this capacity and provide a beacon of light in the darkness of grief. By touching the lives of those experiencing loss, I am inspired to press on and make a difference.” (Kora Michaud)

For more about our wonderful funeral directors at Miles please read their bios on the staff page on our website: https://www.milesfuneralhome.com/about-us/our-caring-staff

To all our funeral directors at Miles we say thank you and wish you a meaningful celebration of National Funeral Directors Day on March 11th

Snuggle up with a good book

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 05:00:00 GMT

Snuggle up with a good book

A death phobic, grief illiterate culture is in part the result of avoiding conversations and education about death and after-life care. This is curious because education is power, and so to avoid talking or reading about something leaves us ignorant about it. The winter months are a good time to snuggle in and read a good book, so I humbly advise my readers to include some books on death, grief and mourning on your winter reading list. Gleaning wisdom from those who have made sense of a death loss will prepare you to help others suffering a loss, and will no doubt help you with a future loss. Today I recommend four simple-to-read, wisdom-packed books, to help get you started with grief literacy.

If you are a grieving soul for whom poetry offers solace and insight, I highly recommend getting to know Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. Rosemerry’s son took his life on August 14, 2021, thereafter her habit of writing a poem a day took a new direction. Her latest volume of poetry, The Unfolding was published October 1, 2024. With characteristic simplicity, deep passion and exquisite twists, she wrestles with the loss of her father and her son. Rosemerry is the poet laureate of Evermore, an organization whose mission is “dedicated to making the world a more livable place for bereaved people.” https://evermore.org/our-mission/

Rosemerry describes how poetry can help impact grief: “I believe poetry can help us meet the most difficult moments of our lives. It doesn’t make things easier. It offers no answers. It fixes nothing. But it does offer us a way to touch our grief, to connect with the lives and deaths of our loved ones, to give voice to our anguish, to find compassion for each other, to fall in love with the world that is left, to find solace in community, to express our heartache and to explore the complex landscape of our hearts.” (https://evermore.org/our-poet-laureate-rosemerry-wahtola)

One superpower of a poem is its ability to draw us in deeper with each reading. Even if poetry is not on your regular diet of reading, I highly recommend getting acquainted with this incredible woman.

Another insightful read for appreciating the grief journey is Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief by Tom Zuba. When the unexpected death of his wife followed soon after his daughter’s death and then six years later his son’s passing, Tom Zuba found that sometimes you just need a book that hasn’t been written yet and he knew his book had to be written. A how-to book, written as a stream of consciousness, this book covers the common concerns of grieving. Tom’s most important lesson for the griever is to let yourself mourn. Sounds simple, but it is necessary advice because many people stop grieving, either because it overwhelms them or because their grief makes people around them uncomfortable. In this well-written, deeply thought-out narrative Tom keeps things real and simple!

It’s Your Funeral: Plan the Celebration of a Lifetime Before It’s’ Too Late by Kathy Benjamin Planning your funeral is one of those necessary tasks that many people declare they want to do but never get around to. Kathy Benjamin endeavors to bring it to the top of your to-do list by offering a simple workbook to guide you through the process. This book is informative, practical and user friendly, and it’s one of the least expensive of such books. The introduction describes the work this way: “Planning your own funeral is an act of love, an important aspect of mental health, and – thanks to this book it’s going to be a heck of a lot of fun.”

Kathy Benjamin has not missed a single topic concerning death, funeral rituals and legacy techniques. For each topic, she carefully gives history, information, and ideas, peppering in a fair amount of humor for this sometimes-frightening topic. She makes the work of planning one’s funeral simple yet comprehensive, sincere yet amusing. There is so much knowledge about after-life care packed into this small book that despite working in the industry for many years, I learned quite a few things. If you’ve been meaning to plan your funeral, or you are helping someone plan theirs, this is a valuable tool for a mere $16.99.

Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose by Colin Campbell remains at the top of my recommendation list for a worthy resource on grief, mourning and loss. For my full review of this book read my blog published May 2, 2024 using this link: https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/finding-the-wordscolin-campbell/ ‎

Happy Reading! If you are interested in participating in a book club around one of these books, please email me at Pam@milesfuneralhome.com

2/4/25– United By Unique – World Cancer Day

Thu, 23 Jan 2025 05:00:00 GMT

2/4/25 - United By Unique - World Cancer Day

Each February 4th, on World Cancer Day, people around the globe raise awareness, improve education, and engage in personal, collective, and government action in the fight against cancer. The theme for 2025 is “United by Unique”, which emphasizes a people-centered approach to cancer care.

According to the American Cancer Association for Research’s most recent progress report, “In the United States, an estimated 2,001,140 new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in 2024 and 611,720 people will die from the disease.” Among them are people you and I know and love. Among us are caregivers who will begin the exhausting, painful grief journey. February 4th is a day to work for and honor those who battle cancer, their caregivers, and the professionals working to eradicate this disease.

Like many of my readers, I have taken the cancer journey with people I love. Many have fought valiantly yet lost their battle. When my dear friend Carol was battling cancer years ago, I was one of four people committed to her daily at-home care. For the nine months we had her at home, I kept a journal. It was a place to hold, process, and cope with my feelings and her fight. Now more than 30 years later, this journal remains a testament to her and a comfort to me. During the initial days of my grief, it helped me remember her fight and our devotion, because grief puts us in a fog, it helped me accept the reality of my loss. I highly recommend journaling for people fighting any disease, and for their caregivers as well.

The loss of a loved one who has died from cancer is painful and unique, holding memories that other losses do not hold. Many people who lose a loved one to cancer memorialize the person with such things as an annual fundraiser or publishing their story to give courage to others. The Jester Has Lost His Jingle, is a story written and illustrated by a young man who succumbed to his cancer. After his death, his parents published his book, set up a nonprofit foundation, and now the book is sent to children around the globe who suffer from cancer. Cancer is a horrid disease, personal stories of living and dying of this disease are unique and important. Marking World Cancer Day is one way to remember, to heal and to participate in the ongoing work for a cure.

May we forever hold in our hearts the courageous and valiant fight of those we love who suffer from cancer, may we remember with compassion all caregivers, may those who have lost their battle be remembered and revered with hope.

Whoever you remember and honor, and as a gift to those who still fight, please participate February 6, 2025 in World Cancer Day. You can begin by watching the one and a half minute, promotional video for this special day.

Click Here for Video World Cancer Day

With compassion in our hearts and skills in hand, in 2025 we resolve…

Thu, 09 Jan 2025 05:00:00 GMT

With compassion in our hearts and skills in hand, in 2025 we resolve...

As we turn the calendar to 2025 it is natural to reflect on the past and look forward to the next chapter. In 1896, Edwin Miles established a funeral home in his family’s home on Main Street in the Jefferson section of Holden, Massachusetts. Mr. Miles’ vision was to provide needed funeral services to Holden and surrounding communities. Longevity transpires when a person, business, entity or event endures because it is meaningful to others. Surely, Miles funeral home has endured because of the care and compassion our staff bring to the work. Someone once noted that there are only as many days in the year as you make use of. In 2025, as we mark 129 years in business, we endeavor to make use of each and every day.

With an open heart, open mind and a helping hand, Miles Funeral Home serves people throughout Worcester County in need of funeral care. Committed to serving all faiths, cultures and nationalities, we help each family celebrate memories and honor their loved one with a unique and meaningful tribute.

During 2024, the Miles Funeral Home staff received 804 people into our care. If we estimate conservatively that each of the 804 involved interactions with a minimum of 3 family members, then the least number of people our staff interacted with would be 2,412. Although not a non-profit entity, we are a mission-driven business, so each interaction, each service provided, reflects the Miles mission to provide expertise, comfort, and care to the bereaved as they honor their deceased loved ones.

Above all, at Miles, our families come first. Here is a small sampling of the words they have used to describe their interactions with us:

My Family & I cannot speak highly enough about the compassionate love & care that was shown & felt during our time of great loss. The level of outstanding professionalism received was beyond phenomenal. We would highly recommend Miles Funeral Home & Tribute Center to anyone looking for sensitive wonderful caring of deceased loved one & family members. Rick Mansfield & his staff are simply the best. Lynlei S.
We have used Miles twice over the years. Both times they were professional, sensitive to our needs. The home is beautiful inside, comfortable and suitable for large or small gatherings. I did not get pressured to purchase upscale items or services. I felt listened to and cared about. They did a remarkable job preparing both my dad years ago and my mom this week. She looked perfect…maybe even 10 years younger! They are well rehearsed in the fine details that showed up throughout the wake and funeral. They guided both our grieving family and guests so we didn’t need to wonder or worry about anything. If it’s possible to say we had a good experience with a funeral, I can honestly say we did here. I will recommend this home anytime. Thank you to the staff. Richard E
I am beyond grateful for the kindness and compassion shown by Miles Funeral Home during a very difficult time for our family. From the moment we reached out, their team (especially Maureen and Kora) made us feel truly cared for and supported. They allowed us to add some personal touches to the waiting area, making it feel more like a comforting space filled with memories of our loved one. This small but significant gesture meant so much to our family, as it helped make the environment feel more intimate and personal. The staff was incredibly respectful, attentive, and accommodating to ensure every detail was just right. They listened to our wishes and gently guided us through the entire process, always with patience and empathy. The service was beautifully arranged, capturing the spirit of our loved one perfectly. We will forever be grateful to Miles Funeral Home for their exceptional care and for making a very difficult experience just a little easier to bear. Thank you for your warmth and support during this time. (Joann Q)

As we move through 2025, compassion in our hearts, skills in hand, we resolve to

continue providing compassionate care
meet each family’s desire and need with our best efforts
provide exceptional quality with conservative pricing
perform the smallest and largest tasks with respect and expertise, endeavoring to meet and go beyond our consumer’s expectations.

We do not wish needing our services on anyone, but know that if and when you need us, we will be here with the same quality of service that began 129 years ago.

Wishing you a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2025!

Peace, Hope, New Life

Tue, 24 Dec 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Peace, Hope, New Life

As we celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and New Year’s, we understand that this time can be particularly challenging for people who have experienced a loss. We extend our heartfelt thoughts and support to the bereaved. We recognize that the holidays can evoke a mix of emotions, and we are here to help you navigate this delicate time. Our team is dedicated to providing a safe space for you to honor and remember your loved ones while also allowing you to find moments of peace and joy amidst the sorrow. We invite you to lean on us for support, whether it’s through our services, resources, or simply a listening ear. Together, we create meaningful ways to celebrate the lives of those we’ve lost, ensuring their memories continue to shine brightly during this season.

With Hope, Compassion and Care from The Staff of Miles Funeral Home

Revisiting “Bah Humbug”

Thu, 19 Dec 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Revisiting "Bah Humbug"

It was a few years ago that I first mused over the connection between unresolved grief and Scrooge’s angst against Christmas. Scrooge’s mother died giving birth to him, and his father blamed him, immediately separating emotionally from him. His sister Fan took over as a mother figure and she too died in childbirth. Having become a workaholic to shield his emotions, he lost the love of his life, Belle. His was a life filled with loss from the moment he arrived on the planet. Indeed, Dicken’s story The Christmas Carol, begins by confirming the importance of the death topic to his tale. He begins with the death of Scrooge’s partner Marley, telling us “He was dead as a door nail.” “There is no doubt that Marley was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.” The Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens is a classic Christmastime story, and as with any classic, it carries many layers of meaning. This story is as much about the impact of a death-loss as it is about generosity and kindness at Christmas.

Loss was nearly a constant part of Scrooge’s life. Three Spirits visit to help Scrooge face and integrate the unresolved losses of his life. Dickens beautifully crafts each spirit to reflect the phases of Scrooge’s life, past, present and future. Unveiling what grief has stolen from him, these Christmastime Spirits offer him a way forward, exposing his life, not simply to judge, but to help restore the joy of life he once knew. Each Spirit helps Scrooge embrace his pain as he views his life impartially. In seeing his life as other’s see it, Scrooge gains self-compassion and healing.

Grieving the loss of someone we love, especially during the holidays is hard emotional work, but the cost of failing to do the work can be great. Whether you are grieving a single or multiple losses this holiday season, I invite you to step aside, embrace your grief, recognize it has a life of its own, and will, if not faced, control your perception of the past, present and future. It will rule your life and inevitably you will adopt the classic, “bah humbug” approach to Christmas.

For more about connection between Dicken’s The Christmas Carol and grief, read my previous blog published in December, 2022. https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/bah-humbug/

Let’s Get Comfortable….

Thu, 12 Dec 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Let's Get Comfortable....

It’s no secret I like the seasonal refrain “tidings of comfort and joy.” I use this idea often when helping grievers through the holidays. When we are grieving, the benefits of engaging in self-care by seeking temporary respite in the simple comforts of life cannot be underestimated. Indulging in a bit of comfort provides a reprieve from meeting the expectations of others, it gives us an opportunity to meet the raw emotions we tend to avoid, and for a brief time it soothes the brokenness so common in grief. Comfort doesn’t replace the pain of grief, but it is a reminder that there is more to life in this moment than our grief. If you are grieving the loss of someone you loved dearly, your body, mind, emotions and spirit will need a break from grief; it is healthy to recognize this and respond with rest and comfort. A respite doesn’t need to be elaborate, in fact in the words of Jane Austin, “There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.”

Hygge was the 2016 Oxford Dictionary word of the year! It is a Danish term that signifies the coziness of turning toward domesticated comforts to console us against the harshness of the outside world. It is the intentional act of creating comfort for ourselves, especially in our home. Who doesn’t love getting everything ready for a quiet, cozy, comfortable evening at home? Domestic luxuries, simple or elaborate offer solace, improve well-being, and offer the feeling of security that is needed when a death loss has turned our world upside down. The winter months keep us inside more, and even the act of cooking a nice meal, making it an event can cheer a broken heart. Sitting with a cup of tea reading a book, warming with a hot cider after a brisk walk, or playing soothing music by candlelight are all ways to create a cozy moment. Hygge is an effective mindful practice for the grieving heart, it provides the safety and peace to counter the grief’s chaos. For those who mourn the loss of someone who lived in the same house, this practice can be heartbreaking, but it’s guaranteed to enrich and heal. This season create a Hygge evening for your grieving heart celebrating the comforts of your home and heart.

One less gift under the tree and one less face to see.

Thu, 05 Dec 2024 05:00:00 GMT

One less gift under the tree and one less face to see.

The grieving heart is acutely aware of its loss during the holidays. Managing your emotions can become a real challenge. There’s the shopping, the heightened expectations of family and traditions, and incessant Hallmark movies depicting an unreal world in which the main character has a mediocre life, a crisis, and a magical, picture-perfect ending. But we are not characters in a Hallmark movie and when we have experienced a deep loss, much to our dismay, the holidays still come around, without a magical ending.

It is normal for the intensity of grief to be heightened during the holidays, manifesting as a tumultuous moment or general chaos, created by a never-ending to-do-list, without the will and energy to accomplish it. Often the bereaved live with an unspoken desire to return to normal and can react strongly to well-intended but misguided advice such as “he would want you to be happy” or “this Christmas will be hard, but you can get through it!” Despite a temptation to just avoid the holidays the griever needs and deserves the comfort and joy the holidays bring. Balancing grief with the human need for love, companionship and celebration is possible during the holiday season. Finding the sweet spot between feeling hollow and being a part of the warmth and closeness can be challenging, but it is possible. Incorporating your grief emotions into your choices, activities and traditions will take a bit of planning but will ease some of the loss of one less gift under the tree and one less face to see.

Make yourself a comfort and joy box. Fill it with things to access when you need comfort or joy.

Feeling grief acutely during the holidays is inevitable and so you must pay attention to an increased need for comfort. Comfort heals, opens us and prepares us for the next moment of our lives. Joy lifts the heart, and like a magnetic force connects us to others. Here are some simple reminders that may help you keep your balance between grieving and tolerating comfort and joy:

Accept your Feelings
Take Care of yourself physically and emotionally
Prepare your heart and calendar to include comfort and joy
Plan For and Accept Changes
Make Time for Yourself
Ask for support and help
Set Realistic Expectations
Engage in Healthy Distractions,
Embrace Unhappy and Happy Memories
Blend Old and New Traditions
Live Gratitude
Welcome the Ordinary Moments
Talk About Your Loved One
On Your Darkest, Dine Out with a Trusted Friend
Practice Purposeful Hibernation, Trust in the Seed Growth in These Moments

Augustine “Og” Mandino II, born in Natick, Massachusetts, was an author and salesperson. He wrote he bestselling book The Greatest Salesman in the World. I recommend keeping a famous quote of his with you through the holidays. Read it whenever you experience the struggle between your grief and the world’s joy.

“When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in” Kristin Armstrong

Tue, 26 Nov 2024 05:00:00 GMT

“When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in” Kristin Armstrong

Although there have been precursors to the holidays in the marketplace for nearly six weeks, the celebration of Thanksgiving this week officially invites us into the 2024 holiday season. Thanksgiving highlights the relationship between Native Americans and English Colonists and is characterized by feasting and gratitude for the year’s blessings. But for the grieving heart, it can feel meaningless and heart-breaking, and the launch into the holidays can begin a time of dread, loneliness and isolation. There are many helpful strategies for approaching the holidays and each griever will discover what works best for them. Some mourners like to have a plan and others want the freedom of unscheduled time to adapt as their emotions fluctuate. Whether joining a feast at someone’s home, hosting a dinner or spending the day alone, it is valuable for mourners to consider the healing power of gratitude which is at the heart of Thanksgiving Day. Gratitude is a fundamental attitude, a method of multiplying one’s blessings, and an impressive healing force for the grieving heart.

It may take a while after a death-loss to comfortably summon up gratitude or the peace, joy and security we experienced with our deceased loved one. But memories are a link to gratitude and a lifeline to a continuing bond with them. Enjoying gentle reminders of a loved one and appreciating their presence in the here and now allows us to continue a relationship through what I have come to call “love keeping.” Gratitude is an inevitable outcome of “love keeping” as we name, remember and honor the gift a person was in our life.

Revering a loved one celebrates the greatest blessing of life – love. It reminds us of the miraculous impact a person has made on our lives. There are 86,400 seconds in a day. This Thanksgiving I encourage you to devote 600 seconds (10 minutes) of your day to sit in gratitude for the person you mourn. Sara Raymond, from Mindful Meditation, posits that gratitude transforms the ordinary into the miraculous, converts a challenge to opportunity and can change something negative into a potential positive. I believe such a shift can move a griever’s heart from pain to peace.

If you are actively grieving the loss of a loved one this Thanksgiving, take all the time you need to feel the sadness of loss, for it is real and it must be honored too. But also take time to practice gratitude, to experience the power of the simple gifts of life such as the beating of your heart, the comfort of a friend sending a card, or the sun touching your face. Notice, appreciate and let gratitude lighten your heart. Thanksgiving is a day to recognize the gifts around you, so open to the small and big ways that good has touched you… allow life to transform and heal your grief.

Grief will sometimes overwhelm gratitude. But keep pursuing gratitude and eventually it will come to rest in your heart, giving you peace. Mindful meditations have often helped guide me to a place of peace. I suggest Sara Raymond’s ten-minute YouTube video for practicing gratitude. Cultivating Gratitude Meditation.

Wishing you peace, may you find an abundance of things for which to be grateful.

It’s Halloween and I’m wondering about yard displays….

Thu, 31 Oct 2024 04:00:00 GMT

It’s Halloween and I’m wondering about yard displays….

Because I make a living educating professionals about our death-phobic, grief-illiterate culture, it’s no surprise that I wonder about the inordinate number of Halloween decorations that feature graveyards and skeletons. Why the fascination with cemeteries, headstones, and carcasses on front lawns when, as a culture, we avoid the topic of death at all cost? More curious is our lack of thought for newly bereaved, grief-stricken people who ride down a street with copious fake graveyards and ghoulish, morbid scenes featuring dead people; the most insensitive of which depict a person that appears to have been hanged.

Lest you judge me as a killjoy who doesn’t appreciate this celebration, my thoughts are born from curiosity not condemnation. I am not advocating anything; just asking. Why do we display scary things in such a cavalier way, exposing trick or treating children to something that we actually fear? Most people fear death, many people won’t even go to a cemetery, lest consider being buried in one. So what’s the attraction with putting a fake graveyard on our front lawn? How come we feature so many death scenes on a night when youngsters are play-pretending fear, yet we don’t talk openly to our children about death? Why do we put people who have lost a loved one to death by hanging through the anguish of confronting a display that includes such a death? Why is it that while we admit ignorance about death and grief loss, we willingly, excessively display false perceptions of these? What does it say of our emotional and intellectual response to things that scare us? How do these practices reveal and perpetuate our culture’s death phobia and grief illiteracy?

I work in the funeral industry, we meet death and grief every day, and yes, we do have a sense of humor. We celebrate Halloween and there are even those among us who have moved from the soft messages of pumpkins and scarecrows in our yard displays to the ghoulish. Culturally, we have traveled a long way from the original intent and practices of All Hallows Eve. The traditional celebration, the evening before All Saints Day, was to honor the deceased heroes that people wanted to emulate. The annual practice of naming and honoring the dead now has no place in modern day Halloween practices. Possibly the traditional celebration of All Hallows Eve was more genuine and straightforward about death – maybe even a bit healthier.

Just saying, this year, I’m really wondering about all those Halloween displays…

Finding beauty in the dark night of grief…

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Finding beauty in the dark night of grief…

Thursday evening, New England was treated to a rare view of the Aurora Borealis. Alert calls and texts went out from Maine to New York to make sure family and friends didn’t miss this spectacular celestial show. I am grateful to a friend who notified me, because seeing the magnificently colored night sky has long been on my bucket list. The next day Facebook was flooded with photos and tales of people who had chased the Aurora Borealis for years, that simply walked out their front door and witnessed the grandeur. Finally able to check this off my bucket list, I am still pondering its rich messages.

The simple explanation for this spectacle is that it occurs when charged particles from the sun collide with Earth’s atmosphere: But the deeper lessons are perhaps more relevant than the science. Like with much of nature, there are distinctive messages in this rare occurrence priming me to consider the similarities between the grief journey and this striking Aurora sighting. If the Aurora Borealis is a lesson for a griever’s heart it instructs us to embrace the darkness even when the light isn’t shining brightly, to examine the highs and lows of grief, and to put on the lens of our heart to see loss more clearly.

Feeling lost when one grieves is like gazing into the black night sky and can be unnerving. Surely there are nights when the stars and moon brighten the darkness and create an exceptional beauty, but there are also many wearisome nights in which the sky appears as a vast dark emptiness. Ask any bereaved person, grief can often feel this way. And yet, as with any spontaneous light, enlightenment is to be found within the darkest grief. A painful loss often reveals the depth of love we have for someone. In the dark night of loss the brilliant light of compassion and the goodness of people is exposed and the preciousness of life shines sharply when we encounter its loss.

The blackness of the sky is still apparent during the Aurora, but the blackness is tinted with pink, red, greens and blues. “The different colors of the aurora are caused by the type of gas molecules in the Earth’s atmosphere (primarily oxygen and nitrogen) that are excited by charged particles from the sun, with the specific color depending on which gas is interacting and at what altitude within the atmosphere the interaction occurs; essentially, different gases emit different colors when energized by the solar particles.” (mg.co.uk/stories/topics/what-causes-northern-lights-aurora-borealis-explained#:) Grief too has its varied, often beautiful hues. A more inquisitive posture with grief can open us to the shadows. Like Aurora’s force caused by a charged particle, grief’s intensity fluctuates, sparking new thoughts, challenges, and memories.

It’s most interesting that Aurora’s visibility is less beautiful until you cast your camera on it. What a powerful lesson to apply to grief. Our willingness to picture our grief, to see it and capture its essence will bring it into sharper view, often depicting something more beautiful than we expect. “A camera can show the Aurora Borealis better than the naked eye because it can collect light over a longer period of time using long exposure settings, allowing it to capture fainter colors and details that the human eye struggles to see in low-light conditions, especially when it comes to the subtle variations in color within the aurora; essentially, our eyes aren’t as sensitive to low-light color variations as a camera sensor is.” ( https://www.itv.com/news/anglia/2024-05-13/why-did-the-aurora-borealis-look-better-through-a-camera )

If you were lucky enough to witness this probably, once in a lifetime occurrence, I hope you enjoyed the magic of it. If not, keep searching for the mystical power of light and enlightenment in the skies, in your life and in your grief.

Things You See in a Cemetery

Thu, 03 Oct 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Things You See in a Cemetery

I recently visited the grave of a young woman I loved as a family member, a friend and a former student. The visit got me thinking a lot about cemeteries and how our culture’s trend toward cremation and scattering of ashes, will ultimately affect the purpose and reminders that cemeteries offer us about life, death, and the afterlife. This blog reflects my experience that day at the cemetery. Except for the photo of my family plot, the pictures were taken at Oak Ridge Cemetery in Dennis, MA.

Cemeteries have become popular places to walk, perhaps because they are usually quiet, have safe surfaces and a walking pattern, similar to a track, that can be easily repeated. At this time of year the magic of autumn in the changing trees adds a special beauty to the quiet. Cemeteries are sacred spaces where nature and love have met.

When not using the cemetery as an outside fitness center, we typically go to visit the grave of someone we love. When I visited recently, I left my friend a cardinal ornament which reads, “You will always be in my heart.” That is why I go to cemeteries, because my heart needs to waken to the presence of a person who has passed from this life but is still with me. One mother visits the grave of her son every evening, to say goodnight to him, tucking him safely in her heart, just as she tucked him in every night when he was a child.

When we walk through a cemetery, each carefully, uniquely decorated gravesite reminds us of two things – first that someone lived and is still loved because someone has taken the time to honor the site. Secondly, just like the uniqueness of each person, each gravesite is distinctly decorated. Seeing the variety in a cemetery reminds me of the power of our individuality, the sacredness of each personal story.

Love is the purpose of life and love is eternal. As the character Sam in the movie “Ghost” turns toward heaven, he says to his beloved, “It’s amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you.” I believe that, but I also know that some of each person’s love stays here with us, that is what makes us eternal, we are love bound, everywhere, forever. On my cemetery tour, these two gravesites reminded me that it really does all come down to love.

Stories carries meaning; gravesites carry their message. This one reminds me of children, angels and praying. I wonder about the person interred here, was it a child? Was it a person who loved prayer or angels? I think whoever it honors was simple – the natural stoned edging, the child angels, the prayer, each remind me to keep life simple.

Benches have become popular in cemeteries. These are so inviting and remind me that our loved ones continue to welcome us to sit a spell and spend time with them. Truly, we don’t need a cemetery to do that, but I have always thought it such a powerful message, especially to young people who visit a cemetery, that it is healthy to spend time with the dead so that we may be enlivened by the memories and experience the presence of their heavenly love and energy.

This is my family cemetery plot. So many things come to mind as I gaze at my surname on a headstone: memories, people, my childhood, the loss of my brother and parents. We will all die, and we may or may not have a gravesite, a headstone, or even have survivors who need or want a specific place to mourn their loss. But one sure thing cemeteries do is to remind me that I am mortal. One day my incredible, wonderful journey on earth will end. Perhaps I am comfortable in cemeteries because I am becoming more at peace with this eventuality.

My advice: to gain some perspective on life, take a walk in a cemetery.

Of Death and Dragonflies….

Thu, 19 Sep 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Of Death and Dragonflies….

For the last few months I served as spiritual midwife to a friend dying of cancer. It was a long, difficult journey for her and a powerful, sacred experience for both of us. There was no question in her mind that life would continue after she died. She believed that death was an end, but a beginning as well. Like all of us, she didn’t know exactly what that meant, but she was certain it included a reunion with those she loved on this side of the veil.

She resisted death and took her time yielding to the inevitable loss of the life she knew and loved. Undoubtedly, her young age and very full life, certainly her love for her family and many friends, kept her entrenched in an emotional stance that would not easily surrender to the inescapable. Yet, one thing remained persistent; she was very sure she would connect with us after she left. As she progressed closer to death, she honored the call to take the next step, to let go of the pain and suffering of this life so as to journey toward the people and new life awaiting her. It was a beautiful thing to watch her embrace the mystery of death and it was a sacred event to witness her family embrace the inevitable. This is what being holy is and because of their fidelity, she had a peaceful, wonderful death.

The other day I was sitting by the lake and a large dragonfly landed on my chair, flittering madly, as if trying to speak. After a few moments of gazing at its beauty, it dawned on me..…it was my first post-death sighting of her! I have never really been near to a dragonfly or taken notice of them, but this one was flapping so madly that I couldn’t ignore it. I just sat there trying to take it in as it stayed for what seemed like eternity. Of course she would come to me as a dragonfly. She loved the water, she flitted everywhere, and she relished landing anywhere to establish new relationships. Of course a dragonfly, as they are the supreme sign of transformation and her transformation to the next world was the cornerstone of our relationship. I knew with every fiber of my being… it was her!

Dragonflies transform from water-borne insects to airborne adults, so they are often thought to represent change in self-realization, or a change in one’s mental or emotional maturity. Likewise, the traditional association of dragonflies with water—and the way they tend to flutter across its surface—symbolizes one’s seeking to find what’s beyond the surface and discover the deeper meaning of life. I will long remember the beauty of that dragonfly as I move on with my friend in a new way. I will relish this sighting as her declaration that she successfully and fully transformed from a child of this world to a saint of the next. “She is home.” Though my work as a midwife of the soul is done, my grief work in establishing the new relationship with her, has only just begun.

The dragonfly reminds me that anything is possible. The dragonfly represents hope and infinite possibilities, not surprising for an insect that has been around for more than 300 million years and lives worldwide. Some Native American tribes believed that dragonflies were the souls of the dead. A dragonfly visiting a loved one who has died could mean that the loved one’s soul was taking the form of a dragonfly.

Among the many uses of this image for griefwork is a group called, The Dragonfly Project that consists of “volunteers who send condolence cards carrying a message of hope to people who are grieving.” They look up names in obituaries, then put together and mail packets out; usually 3 to 6 months after the death has occurred. Each packet contains a condolence card, a copy of the dragonfly story printed on the inside cover and a dragonfly keychain. You can further explore their mission and/or purchase their products at: https://www.dragonflyproject.org/

Like the dragonfly, may we embrace change with grace and may we find beauty in every stage of our journey.

On Being an Apprentice in Sorrow

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 04:00:00 GMT

On Being an Apprentice in Sorrow

An apprentice is a person that accepts the guidance of an expert who has the skills the apprentice wants to develop. An apprenticeship is a long-term commitment in becoming a master of a discipline. Receiving instruction under a more experienced colleague to master the skills of their future role, apprentices agree to work with the expert who assumes responsibility for their student’s professional or personal development. Taking their lead from the master, the apprentice yields to the expert. Religious orders have long designated their apprentices as “novices.” Novices retain this title until they have developed a deep understanding of the community and have acquired the necessary spiritual attributes to make a lifelong commitment. Apprentices in the trades work toward certification in their chosen field and lose the title apprentice when they meet their required qualifications. Most of us are novices in grief and could benefit from an apprenticeship with the sorrow that arises from our grief.

I first heard the phrase “apprentice in sorrow” in Francis Weller’s book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow. Weller proposes we take up an apprenticeship with sorrow as a means of processing our grief. In this case, that skill is becoming a vessel in which grief can be held, worked and transmuted.

“In the language of that old apprenticeship, the culmination was to become a master craftsperson. In the language of soul, this long apprenticeship doesn’t lead to mastery, it leads to elderhood. This is what we are deeply missing in the collective, is someone who has undertaken this long faithful journey with grief and has allowed it to work them in ways that opens them to the capacity to become a ripened human being, capable of showing up for the world.” (Francis Weller)

As an apprentice in grief, the bereaved person works to develop their inner self as they integrate a significant loss into their life. As an apprentice in sorrow they are trainees in grief and novices in the practices of mourning. They are students of fear that grapple with the implication of C.S. Lewis’ legendary remark, “No one ever told me that grief feels so much like fear.” Often beginners in sadness, the bereaved become schooled in the ways of melancholy. As amateurs they learn to abide in darkness and as tenderfoots they become experts at weeping. Embracing their grief, the apprentice advances from the level of beginner to intermediate to advanced.

The days of thinking about grief as a linear, achievable conquest moving readily from denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are gone. Grieving a loss involves painful, long-term spiritual, physical and emotional work. The reward is a rich, personal and compassionate view of our inner self.

If you wish to explore this topic more deeply, consider Miles’ upcoming Sharing Hope Seminar.

Grief: An Apprenticeship with Sorrow

Saturday, September 14, 2024 1-3 p.m.

Holden Senior Center – 1130 Main Street, Holden

This week, get to know us….

Wed, 21 Aug 2024 04:00:00 GMT

This week, get to know us….

Mitch Albom once said, “The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” At Miles we believe this is true not only for individuals, but for businesses and organizations. Miles Funeral Home is a devoted member of the Holden community, active in area organizations such as Council on Aging where our owner Rick Mansfield is currently the vice-chair. We are active in the Wachusett Chamber and Rotary, and enjoy strong collaborations with Wachusett Regional High School, the police and fire departments, and non-profit organizations such as Hope Lives Here. We believe that a strong community is made possible by the involvement of both for-profit businesses and non-profit organizations. Miles Funeral Home believes, as our logo declares, that it is important to honor lives and celebrate memories. We do that in so many ways beyond our primary role of assisting families with funeral care. One way of honoring the people, institutions and organizations of Holden is our annual participation in Holden Days. Wachusett Area Chamber offers a great description of Holden Days: The Wachusett Area Chamber of Commerce is pleased to present “Holden Days,” a town-wide celebration that is taking place Saturday, August 24 from 9:00am to 3:00pm. Now in its 44th year, this annual event promises great food, fun and entertainment for the entire family, as well as promotional opportunities for area businesses and organizations. A sampling of this year’s activities includes free Main Stage performances by Decades by Dezyne and Midnight Riders, fun activities and demonstrations in the Kids Court, an auto showcase, and bandstand performances by Screen Door. In addition, visitors can stroll through the Marketplace which promotes area businesses and non-profits, visit the Art Lot and Craft Corner which spotlights local artisans and crafters, and enjoy breakfast and lunch at the Food Court.

Miles Funeral Home welcomes you to stop by and visit with our staff, take a chance to win one of the awesome gift baskets our staff has prepared! This is a great opportunity to get to know us a little better and to celebrate the wonderful town we serve! See you there!

Having the Talk….

Thu, 08 Aug 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Having the Talk….

Pre-planning and pre-paying for funeral care has become more popular. Parents want to ease the burden of their loss on their children, single people seek to make their death easier for nieces, nephews, and individuals who have had a great experience with a funeral home want to ensure the same for themselves and their survivors. While much of funeral service involves care of the physical body and memorial rituals, pre-planning has the added aspect of one’s legacy.

Interestingly, finance is not the primary reason people shy away from preplanning. There are several reasons, not the least of which is a lack of clarity about how they want their life to be celebrated. Similarly, many people have given little thought to their personal beliefs about an afterlife. Planning your funeral care offers a unique opportunity to review your life, articulate what is important to you, reflect on your beliefs, and share your legacy with loved ones while you are still alive.

Having sat with hundreds of people to plan a fitting tribute for their deceased loved one, I am amazed at the number of people who cannot answer questions such as: “How would your loved one want to be remembered? What did s/he believe about the afterlife? What was their greatest joy in life? Feeling a bit sad that people know so little about their loved one’s inner life, philosophy and wishes, I have become a huge proponent of “having the talk.”

Having the talk can not only be meaningful, but it can also be enjoyable. Gone are the days when talking about our death is a thing to be dreaded. There are several ways to go about it, but a favorite of mine is The Funeral and Memorial Information Council (FAMIC) program Have the Talk of a Lifetime. It is designed to help people with important conversations about the things that matter most to them, and how a person can be remembered and honored in a meaningful way. The program is inexpensive and comes as a deck of cards that contain questions to help the conversation get started. Some of my favorite questions include:

What does your perfect day look like?

Describe the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done?

For what are you most grateful?

What was your first job? Why did you choose that profession?

Tell me about your faith or spirituality.

What is something very few people know about you? (Have the Talk of a Lifetime. NFDA© )

There are several decks, including one for children, one on the theme of celebrations and a general deck. If you are ready to embark on a meaningful conversation that enriches relationships, share your legacy and helps with pre-planning a meaningful life tribute, visit http://www.talkofalifetime.org/ and get started. There are also several good YouTube videos with sample conversations families have had to begin talking about their funeral care. ( https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=talk+of+a+lifetime )

Whether or not you have preplanned your afterlife care, your legacy is an important aspect. I strongly urge you to devote time to sharing your life story, accomplishments, and the joys and sorrows you have experienced.

Living in a death phobic, grief illiterate culture…

Thu, 25 Jul 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Living in a death phobic, grief illiterate culture…

I frequently remark that we live in a death phobic, grief illiterate culture, meaning that we fear death and are ignorant about grief. I am encouraged by the many signs that both the fear of death and the lack of information surrounding grief are shifting. In my lifetime there has been an explosion of research, conferences, clinical studies and books examining death, the afterlife and grief.

In 1969, Swiss American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published her seminal work on the stages of death. Soon after a popular book about people’s near-death experiences was written by Raymond Moody. These books became handbooks for health care and spiritual professionals, eventually finding their way into the hands of laypeople interested in death and the afterlife. In the subsequent fifty years there has developed a plethora of material, including research studies, books, movies, magazine articles and videos on these topics. There are now specialized professionals dedicated to helping us die peacefully, without pain. There are grief gurus leading the broken hearted through bereavement. Moreover, there are many non-professionals who having experienced loss, have developed the compassion and skill to help people die well. There are an equal number of people who are superb companions for the bereaved. Whether a professional death doula or a volunteer angel, it’s becoming easier to find people prepared to take the journey with you.

A majority of people in our culture still admit their fear of dying and many remain amateurs in the grieving process. Such a naïveté is costing us dearly. The fear of death is born of various worries. Some fear the pain of death, others the process of letting go, still others fear the unknown next reality. Frequently our fear of death renders us unable to talk to each other about the natural process of death, leaving us unprepared for our own death or the death of those we love, making it more difficult and painful. This anxiety can lead to an exaggerated fear of the afterlife, causing some to resist death, making it all the more fearful. Another cost of failing to openly talk about death is the isolation in facing our own death or that of a loved. Many health care professionals experience a sense of failure, shame or even guilt when they lose a patient. Even professionals spend little or no time processing the constant death confronting them, leading to exhaustion and burnout.

Failing to understand the grieving process likewise has its impact. Our ignorance leaves us not knowing how to help ourselves or each other through loss, resulting in unnecessary emotional and physical pain and suffering. The void of accurate, intelligent knowledge is sometimes filled with false, ineffective and even harmful misinformation. Experiencing a death loss without effective resources, especially an unexpected, significant, or traumatic death-loss, can result in life-long mental health issues.

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Grief is a reaction to a variety of losses people experience throughout their lives. Grief is a paradoxical experience because often you are doing your best healing when you feel the worst. Sometimes referred to as normal or functional grief, healthy grief has a function. It allows mourners to identify, acknowledge, feel and integrate what they love, but are now without.

Grief is individual; each loss has its own characteristics, and each griever mourns within their capacity, history, and approach to life. For example people may have strong beliefs about the afterlife, or not, their belief will shape their journey. The impact of a death-loss on one’s daily life is particular to the circumstances of the relationship. For example, if someone living in our house dies, our grieving process is very different than if we loved them just as deeply but had not seen them in years. Grief is hard work, above all be gentle with yourself when you are mourning the loss of someone or something.

I have called on people in the past to become grief literate, and I do it again. If you are looking for a good place to start, I highly recommend a full reading of the document BECOMING GRIEF-INFORMED:A CALL TO ACTION by Donna L. Schuurman, EdD, FT and Monique B. Mitchell, PhD, FT published by the Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families.

https://www.dougy.org/assets/uploads/Becoming-Grief-Informed_A-Call-to-Action.pdf

Our Families Come First

Thu, 11 Jul 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Our Families Come First

At Miles Funeral Home our daily goal is to “work side by side with each family to ensure their loved one has the most fitting celebration which honors and immortalizes their life.” To ensure that we continue to meet this goal we actively seek customer feedback in three ways.

Independent Feedback. Miles utilizes the services of the Johnson Consulting group to gather feedback from our customers. Within two weeks of receiving service, customers receive a link from Johnson that gives them a simple survey to rate staff and service and allows input for short text answers to note any concerns, compliments or questions. All concerns are followed up. Johnson also supplies Miles with regular comprehensive reports on how we are doing. A monthly zoom meeting is held to review the information in more detail. We are proud to consistently rank in the top 2% of all Johnson’s clients.

Personal notes from families and people we have served. Notes with praise and positive feedback are copied and distributed to the staff. Management addresses notes that contain negative feedback. The most appropriate course of action is taken, either through a discussion at the weekly directors’ meeting or with an individual if that is more appropriate.

Customer review sites such as Google are frequently used by our consumers to give feedback. We read every review and carefully consider the public feedback in the decision-making processes at the funeral home.

Miles Funeral Home recognizes that customer reviews are subjective and not each family member agrees about the service they receive, be it funeral care or car maintenance. Funeral care is highly regulated and there are instances when the law prevents our complying with a family request. These instances can result in negative reviews that are understandable only to the funeral home.

Miles consistently lands at the top percentage in Yelp, Facebook and Google reviews. However, we consider the statistics of Johnson Consulting a highly valued view of how we are doing since the information is sought by an independent consulting firm in the funeral industry, and it is weighed against other funeral homes throughout the country. Miles Funeral Care’s year-to-date customer satisfaction key metrics are considerably above the national averages, including the response rate, overall performance and total value rate.

What people say about us is important. We enjoy reading what people say about us, here are a couple of my all-time favorite testaments:

How do you thank a guardian angel – one who is strong, kind, patient and compassionate, at a time when a family is shaken, weak, and does not know the way. Like a gentle father you listened, encouraged, and with unconditional love, made the crooked way straight – make the pieces of the quilt form a magnificent life’s moment for all. Your professionalism is of Divine intervention. Every detail of the calling hours, service and military service was dealt with grace and dignity…. I don’t know how you and your staff do what you do – but families you serve thank God that you do. (Kathleen Kelly)

On behalf of my family, I would like to express our sincere gratitude and thanks for everything that was done for my family this past week. Many of you know of the friendship I share with Rick, as often as I stop in to distract him, though few might realize my family has benefited by the services of Miles for over 100 years. As many times I have visited the funeral home this was the first time I experienced the process first hand. I appreciate the detailed planning that goes on by those of you whom I didn’t meet and to those my mom and I met, I can’t express how comfortable you made us feel. To all of you a special thanks. What I witnessed last week was truly a portrait of professionalism. (Brian P. Foley)

Whether an online review, a personal note from a family, or our monthly report scores from the consulting firm, Miles wants to hear from our customers as we continue to pursue excellence in serving them.

Cremation…and then what?

Thu, 27 Jun 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Cremation…and then what?

In January of 2006, author Kris Radish published her light-hearted, thought-provoking novel called Annie Freeman’s Fabulous Traveling Funeral: A Novel. After Annie Freeman dies of cancer, her dear friend Katherine receives a package containing a pair of red sneakers filled with Annie’s ashes. Annie’s final wish is that Katherine lead a traveling funeral to scatter her ashes in places that were significant in her life. Katherine gathers the five women appointed to carry Annie’s ashes and together they set out on a road trip scattering the ashes at places that were significant in Annie’s life. The women come to know Annie and each other in new and profound ways. In the 18 years since the novel’s publication, cremation has grown more popular and personally styled funerals are becoming the norm. What seemed far-fetched and humorous in 2006, is likely in 2024.

According to Statista Research Department , the cremation rate in the United States increased steadily between 1975 and 2023. This figure is forecasted to grow to 65.2 percent by 2027.* Several considerations, including ecology, finances, and religious/spiritual acclimatization have contributed to the increase. Indeed many more people in my personal and professional life are pre-planning their funerals to include cremation.

What I find curious is the significant number of people considering cremation who have yet to make a plan for disposition of their ashes. When someone tells me they are going to be cremated, I follow it with the question: “What is the plan for your ashes? Many people respond, “I’m not sure, I haven’t thought about it.” As we become more comfortable pre-planning our after-life care, we must become more knowledgeable about the options for disposition of the body. Many people still opt to bury ashes in an urn in their family plot at a cemetery or in a niche at the cemetery. Some keep their loved one’s ashes in an urn in their home. Still others wish to be scattered like Annie Freeman at a place significant to their lives.

The law varies in each state, but generally there are several options for disposition of ashes. Massachusetts state law says that cremated remains may be “deposited in a niche of a columbarium or a crypt of a mausoleum, buried or disposed of in any manner not contrary to law.”

Additional information on Massachusetts law and cremated remains is found on at https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/burial-cremation-laws-massachusetts :

If you wish to scatter ashes, you have many options. Generally, use common sense and refrain from scattering ashes in places where they would be obvious to others.

Scattering ashes in an established scattering garden . Many cemeteries provide gardens for scattering ashes. If you’re interested, ask the cemetery for more information.

Scattering ashes on private land . You are allowed to scatter ashes on your own private property. If you want to scatter ashes on someone else’s private land, it’s wise to get permission from the landowner.

Scattering ashes on public land . You may wish to check both city and county regulations and zoning rules before scattering ashes on local public land, such as in a city park. However, many people simply proceed as they wish, letting their best judgment be their guide.

Scattering ashes on federal land . Officially, you should request permission before scattering ashes on federal land. As with local or state land, however, you will probably encounter no resistance if you conduct the scattering ceremony quietly and keep the ashes well away from trails, roads, facilities, developed areas, campsites, and waterways. You can find guidelines for scattering ashes on the websites for some national parks. For more information, begin your search at the website of the National Park Service .

Scattering ashes at sea . The federal Clean Water Act requires that cremated remains be scattered at least three nautical miles from land. If the container will not easily decompose, you must dispose of it separately. The EPA does not permit scattering at beaches or in wading pools by the sea. Finally, you must notify the EPA within 30 days of scattering ashes at sea.

The Clean Water Act also governs scattering in inland waters such as rivers or lakes. For inland water burial, you may be legally required to obtain a permit from the state agency that manages the waterway.

For more information, including the contact information for the EPA representative in Massachusetts, see the EPA’s page on Burial at Sea.

Scattering ashes by air . While there are no state laws on the matter, federal aviation laws do prohibit dropping any objects that might cause harm to people or property. The U.S. government does not consider cremains to be hazardous material; all should be well so long as you remove the ashes from their container before scattering.

In 2006 when I first read Radish’s tale of Annie’s traveling funeral, I loved the idea. At the time I knew nothing of funeral laws, and I was many years away from having to think about my death. Now closer to the reality of dying, the practicality of having my now elderly friends travel with my ashes seems a bit inconsiderate. My love of the earth and ecological concerns still shape my decision to be cremated. I am planning the Living Urn in which my ashes are mixed in a biodegradable urn that is combined with a tree or bush and planted.

As with other matters of after-life care, the kindly thing is to make a decision and a plan for that decision to be carried out. Pre-planning is one of the greatest gifts we give to our survivors who during their grief have one less worry. Choosing cremation involves a plan for disposition of the ashes and your local funeral director can help you make a plan. At Miles Funeral Home, Amber Ditommaso is well prepared to assist with this matter.

Summer’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Summer’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Today’s Thoughtful Thursday is a repost of a blog from three years ago. I am enjoying a long awaited, much needed vacation, and thought it would be the perfect time to repeat summer’s guidance for the grieving heart. Wishing everyone a peace-filled summer……

Dear grieving heart,

Surely summer is one of the hardest times to grieve. Everyone seems to be having such a good time. The sun gives its best rays, lakes are warm and crystal clear, people meticulously choose the perfect spot to get away. I am here to remind you that you need not forget your loss to partake in the gaiety.

I am favored for my slower pace, the fresh air waking up the cobwebs of the heart, and the endless outdoor gatherings that strengthen folks’ connection to each other. While the grieving heart has a natural inclination to avoid these for fear of betraying its loss, these are the perfect antidote for the grieving heart.

My summer flowers display it best. Every flower, like each grief is unique, growing in its own manner with a precise need of sunshine, water, and nutrients from the earth. So it is with your grief. Like a flower, it needs just the right amount of attention and love to grow into something meaningful. As a flower that gives pleasure to the eyes, a good grief reveals a deep and powerful love. Grief is a source of strength and wisdom to those who observe it because it is a symbol of a deep love experienced. Grief always reflects love and contrary to popular opinion, grief has no end, because love it eternal.

I remind you every grief needs a little “Marco Polo”. Who can resist listening to the joyous sounds of children jumping off a dock into a lake while yelling, “Marco” “Polo?” Such delights heal even the heaviest heart. Do not deny yourself the joys of my season, they will remind you of happier days while giving you new ones. No matter how deeply you feel a loss, you are still alive, and you need pleasures to nurture your soul.

Summer has taught me a thing or two, so I offer this advice:

Vacations are an opportunity to let things lay fallow, even grief. A respite from anything gives the heart a fresh perspective.
Often the very thing we resist is the very thing we need. It is also true that what we resist, persists. These maxims help you move with your grief not against it.
Life can scorch you. Sunblock your heart from emotions and people that can char it. You know who and what these are, so protect your grief.
Grief’s journey takes you over many waters. A lake’s water can be as smooth as glass or as choppy as percolating coffee; each is necessary to revitalize it, so it is with your heart.

“Even as you grieve, allow light to seep through the cracks, uplift, and illuminate a healing. Baby turtles emerge from the cracking of shells; new life can burst forth”.

-Laura Staley-

Lovingly,

Mother Earth

Pursuing Excellence 2024

Thu, 30 May 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Pursuing Excellence 2024

Miles Funeral Home is committed to providing funeral care that exceeds our customers’ expectations. We are guided daily by our mission statement: “With an open heart, open mind and a helping hand, Miles Funeral Home serves people throughout Worcester County in need of funeral care. Committed to serving all faiths, cultures and nationalities, we help each family celebrate memories and honor their loved one with a unique and meaningful tribute.” To meet our goal, we participate in professional associations that help us surpass industry standards. One such organization is the National Funeral Directors Association. ( https://nfda.org/)

In 2023 Miles participated in the NFDA’s Pursuit of Excellence Program, which recognizes funeral homes “that meet or exceed business standards set forth by the program and demonstrate proficiency in key areas of funeral service”. Of the 970 funeral homes in Massachusetts, only two received the Pursuit of Excellence (POE), and of the 22,715 Funeral Homes businesses in the United States, 104 received POE. This rigorous process requires completing exigent activities in seven areas. Miles is pleased to apply again for the 2024 Pursuit of Excellence which is renewable each July. ( https://nfda.org/membership/recognition-programs/pursuit-of-excellence )

Funeral homes awarded Pursuit of Excellence have demonstrated mastery in seven categories, demonstrated by a minimum of four accomplishments in each category:

Integrity and ethics
Impactful programs and resources for bereaved families
Dynamic community engagement
Compliance with state and federal regulations
Creative marketing, advertising and public relations initiatives
Education and professional development for staff
Active participation in and service to the funeral service profession.

Additionally, Pursuit of Excellence applicants submit a 400-word essay describing an innovative program, service or activity they have executed. For the 2024 application Miles is describing our year-long collaboration with Hope Lives Here and Wachusett Regional High School to increase grief literacy and bereavement resources for youth in Holden and surrounding towns.

As we complete the 2024 Pursuit of Excellence application over the next month, reflecting on our business practices, the ways we have served the bereaved and helped our community, we continue our mission to provide exceptional funeral care and help develop a grief-informed community that honors its beloved deceased.

All in the family

Mon, 13 May 2024 04:00:00 GMT

All in the family

On the one hand, families are the common place we find and build our best and happiest self; on the other, families can be complicated and challenging. Made up of a wide array of persons, some born of biology, others born in friendship, families come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. When a family member dies, each person feels the loss and the disruption in the family system.

While each family member is grieving the same person, the loss is different for individual family members. Consequently, each mourns the loss in their own way. Because we see things as we are, not as they are, even the memory of a single event may be different for each family member. Here are some things to consider in grieving families:

When one family member dies, it changes everyone’s relationship. Being attentive to changes in roles and activities, and how these affect individuals in the family is fundamental to systemic healing.
Talking about the deceased person keeps them alive in the family, brings members of the family together, and promotes healing. However, it is important to allow each person in the family to share their thoughts, each person’s memory is to be valued.
Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or long held traditions in the family can be challenging as can the special days each family member faces, such as first day of school, first prom, landing a new job, academic successes or achievements in sports or other activities. Viewing the loss through each other’s eyes helps build sensitivity and strategy for these particular times.
Families are meant to support and care for children in a special way. Be loving, be wise, and stay close to grieving children. Attend to their special needs. (The Dougy Center has wonderful resources for supporting children through loss: https://www.dougy.org/ )

If you want to explore the topic of family loss more deeply, consider coming to this Saturday’s seminar that will look at the diverse ways individuals in a family mourn the loss of the same person and offer helpful guidance for navigating the loss as a family. This seminar includes lunch and a free copy of Grieving Is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable, by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Finding the Words…Colin Campbell

Thu, 02 May 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Finding the Words…Colin Campbell

Every once in a while a book comes along that is so extraordinary I want to buy a copy for everyone I know! Colin Campbell’s book Finding the Words is such a book. On the advice of a friend I added it to my extensive library on grief and loss soon after it was published last year. It has become a book I unhesitatingly recommend to all types of grievers, but especially those who have experienced “a sudden, unexpected, tragic loss.”

Colin Campbell and his wife Gail were in a horrific car accident that took the lives of their two teenaged children, Ruby and Hart. Colin chronicles their grief journey, authoring a book that is at once a valuable grief primer and a powerful memoir. With the perfect balance of personal wisdom and solid information, Finding the Words helps grievers face loss with tenderness and the experience of a wise expert who discovered the pathway from anguish to peace.

You will quickly consider Colin a worthy grief companion as his refreshingly honest account and masterful gift with words affords him the credibility of holding his pain and yours. Colin Campbell is downright eloquent in describing the depth of his pain:

When Ruby and Hart were killed, I was lost. Without them, all of life felt meaningless. I didn’t want to be alive without them. I felt like a scared little boy, all alone in a terrifyingly empty world. I was untethered from life. For the first few months, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go on living without losing my mind. The enormity of their deaths was so awful it couldn’t fit in my head. https://colincampbellauthor.com/colin/

In a recent blog I urged that we become grief informed, so that we are able to support and guide each other through a death loss. For those whose favored style of learning is reading Finding the Words is an excellent place to begin. Campbell’s treatment of important topics is second to none. What I most cherish is his wisdom on navigating the emotions of grief, mourning a loss in a grief-illiterate culture, the necessity and efficacy of ritual and living in hope. One of the most important contributions Campbell makes in this book is to invite us into the intimate milieu of the grief stricken.

In reflecting on healing and finding solace, Campbell posed an important question to himself “What am I seeking as I travel through this journey of grief?” (pg. 113) The answer to this query is what carries every griever to health and hope. In order to embrace the challenges and changes that accompany loss, we must ask and answer this question.

Campbell’s words on the emotions of grief are not only exceptional because they are raw and honest, but because he normalizes the pain of grief, not treating it as a disorder, but encouraging the griever to embrace the emotions as natural and necessary. In drawing a clear, concise, and comprehensive picture of what it is like to mourn a terrible loss in a grief-illiterate culture, Colin Campbell invites every one of us to become grief-informed that we may heal ourselves and each other.

Perhaps my favorite part of this book is its treatment of ritual. According to Campbell, both private and public rituals are efficacious. The public rituals provide a necessary public witness and the private offer the intimate occasions of continuing the bond with our deceased loved one. The book is replete with examples of how ritual heals and helps.

The great danger to a griever’s mental health is in grief’s predisposition for despair, especially when death is tragic, unexpected or complicated. The Campbell’s loss was tragic, complicated, sudden, unreasonable and unfair. To live in a world without your only children, to witness their demise while unable to save them, to experience the cruelty of life at your very core and return to living in hope is nothing short of pure grace.

Every page of this book is a lesson in how to move from despair to hope. Whether you are a griever, a companion to someone who has suffered a difficult loss, an end-of-life, or afterlife care professional, adding this book to your library will be the best $25 you ever spent! Available wherever books are sold.

The Pathway to Compassion: Embracing Death and Becoming Grief Informed

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 04:00:00 GMT

The Pathway to Compassion: Embracing Death and Becoming Grief Informed

As a child of the 1950’s I was dutifully taught the proper dictates of acceptable conversation. I was schooled in the principle that if you couldn’t find anything good to say, not to speak. I was carefully taught that sex, religion and death were topics to be avoided. I learned my lessons well, and it has taken a lifetime to recover from the social, intellectual and psychological limitations that arose from this training. Not talking about sex, religion and death simply left me ignorant about each. As for not saying anything if it appeared to be uncomfortable, it merely left a lot of things unresolved.

In my work as a death care professional, every day I meet the inadequacies of a culture that still avoids talking about death at any cost, leaving people unprepared to face their own demise, or assist others in facing impending death. Moreover, and even more significant is a common incapacity to effectively companion the bereaved. I frequently use the terms death-phobic and grief-illiterate to describe our cultural disorder. This blog explores the cost of our fears about death and our lack of knowledge about grief.

Fearing death causes us to deny it, it leaves us unable to articulate our beliefs and our hopes of a peaceful death. One result of death phobia is an exaggerated fear of the unknown about the afterlife. As I help people plan rituals for their loved ones who have died, I encounter so many people who have no idea what their loved one believed about the afterlife. Most people tell me, “We never talked about it.” As a result they have no idea where to begin celebrating a loved one’s life, not even an inkling whether they preferred to be cremated or buried.

Not being able to talk openly about death also impacts how people die and our ability to help them in their last hours. Though still considered a “fearless” act, people who have open conversations about what they would like their death to be like, have made it easier on their families, and commonly had a more comfortable death. Our silence keeps us disconnected from the natural process of death, causing us to fear it even more.

Another consequence stemming from our inability to talk meaningfully about death is the isolation we experience at death, the death of a loved one or our own death. This isolation creates a chasm wherein the dying person experiences even greater fear and the survivors begin their grief journey alone, hesitant about reaching out for the necessary supports to heal. Interestingly, many health care professionals report experiencing a sense of failure, shame or even guilt when their patients die, suggesting that even frequenting death does not rid us of emotional discomfort.

Where might someone begin to repair their death phobia? I like the following video by Emma McAdam, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, who is on a mission to make mental health resources easier to access. Emma’s YouTube videos on topics of mental health are simple, well-researched, and eloquently produced. She is articulate, moving, and persuasive. She takes big topics and breaks them into nugget sized messages. Her video on developing skills for death anxiety is excellent and a good place to start in identifying our death-phobic culture. (Facing Fear of Death: 4 Skills for Anxiety and Fear of Death .YouTube· Therapy in a Nutshell·July30, 2020 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWZh5aZh9dc

Grief literacy can be acquired by anyone. The way our culture celebrates life, ritualizes loss, and supports people through a death should reflect the core values of a compassionate society. In a grief-illiterate culture, people can’t help each other with death loss because they just don’t know how. When we don’t know how to help ourselves or each other through loss, the result is unnecessary pain and suffering.

Another outcome of grief illiteracy is that the void of accurate, intelligent knowledge is often filled with false, ineffective and even harmful misinformation. Any good educator will tell you the golden rule is not to teach anything you will have to unteach later. After the death of my brother many years ago, in a world with little sensitivity or training about death education, I remember so many untrue things people said. Experiencing a death loss without effective support and accurate resources, especially an early, significant, or traumatic loss, can result in life-long mental health issues. We simply must become a grief-informed culture. We must stop saying things like, “You will come to realize that in this case death was for the best” or “Time heals all wounds” or even worse, “You must get on with your life; he or she, would want that.”

In 2020, The Dougy Center, the National Grief Center for Children & Families, published a paper challenging the dominant beliefs about what it means to grieve. I highly encourage reading this as a first step in becoming grief- informed. https://www.dougy.org/assets/uploads/Becoming-Grief-Informed_A-Call-to-Action.pdf

Embracing death and becoming grief-informed takes intellectual, emotional, and even spiritual work. Living in a culture where people are knowledgeable and compassionate in understanding loss and healing grief is well worth the effort.

“Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground.” (Oscar Wilde)

Thu, 04 Apr 2024 04:00:00 GMT

“Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground.” (Oscar Wilde)

Ever since I began preparing for our recent Sharing Hope Bereavement Seminar I’ve been thinking a lot about sorrow. The content of the seminar was born from reading Francis Weller’s excellent book on grief and ritual, The Wild Edge of Sorrow. ( https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Edge-Sorrow-Rituals-Renewal/dp/1583949763 )

Weller views griefwork as standing before five gates, each summoning us to the sacred space in our loss. These gates do not offer passage through the grief journey with carefully designed stages, but rather are landmarks in an “apprenticeship with grief.” These gates are always before us, we are perpetually walking through. When we experience a painful loss these gates help us to right our relationship with sorrow. The gates are applicable to many kinds of loss, not only death loss, in fact, often a death loss raises other types of losses to the surface (marriage/divorce, loss of a job, loss of standing in community or a family, loss of physical health, loss of youth). Weller’s five gates give us a wider view, offer entry to our inner landscape, and allow a path forward. This blog considers the third gate, the one at which we meet the sorrows of the world.

While I have relished living my entire life as a planetary pilgrim with a robust communal identity, there are times when I need to tune down the world. This happens when the sorrows of the world overcome my broken, bursting or anxious heart and I cannot embrace any more of the world’s pain. Fortunately, it is not a frequent occurrence. I have come to recognize my need to pull back as a precious time to examine the influence of the sorrows of the world on me. When we grieve, the accumulated sorrow of the losses of the world can become fused with our personal loss. Simply watching the nightly news, which I dare say is nearly 90% bad news, can distort our emotions and compound our loss.

Weller considers healthy grief as communal. While sorrow is personal, there is always a public dynamic, sorrow is always shared. Every time I say, “I’m so sorry” to a griever, I silently berate myself for saying something so obviously trite and unhelpful. But after considering Weller’s gate of the sorrows of the world, I am re-thinking this greeting. Surely, the world’s sorrow, whether it involves a stranger from Gaza experiencing famine, or the 2018 summertime rescue of the football team in Thailand, causes me to feel a deep sadness. When I walk the rail trails of Massachusetts and see litter, or gaze over a pond with trash, my heart sinks. When I experience the very real divisions in democracy or think about the latest siren call announcing an Amber alert, I mourn. I grieve every time I hear of a mass shooting. I truly am sorry for all these things and more. I genuinely care about the pain another person experiences and I do mourn the community losses. Being a citizen of the world can be dangerous to the heart and I am ever mourning at the gate of the sorrows of the world. When I experience a loss in my life, when I share a death loss with people I know personally or professionally, I sincerely am sorry for their loss. My heart breaks because theirs does. I understand what it feels like to be sad, tired, or overcome with the ache that a death loss brings. I see they are in pain, and I am sorry for their loss, recognizing it is only one of many sorrows I meet each day.

I agree with Weller that we are all apprentices, not only with grief, but with sorrow. As apprentices we must become skilled experts, standing at the gate of the world’s sorrows and our own. We pause at sorrow’s gate to open to the pains of our planet. Here we learn to honor and hold anguish even as we move through it, recommitting ourselves to grief’s healing work. Personal loss and the world’s deep sorrows teach us, encouraging growth in compassion, mercy and kindness.

The next time I hear myself saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.” I will be a little gentler with myself, recalling I am an apprentice standing at the gate of the sorrows of the world.

Relating a death loss to everyday losses

Thu, 21 Mar 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Relating a death loss to everyday losses

Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close.” Francis Weller

Francis Weller is a well-known psychotherapist and author of The Wild Edge of Sorrow. In his book Keller describes five gateways we encounter as we grieve. His compassion for a griever’s sacred dance with sorrow, darkness, love, and fear is exceptional. Relating a death loss to everyday losses and the realities of our humanness, Weller places the reaction to death into the fuller picture of how we approach and cope with loss, believing that even before our first death loss, we know how to grieve. The way we grieve is influenced by our experiences of relationship, love, how we manage sorrow, our past losses, and our emotional stamina.

In The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Weller explores 5 gates of grief. These are not stages, nor are these descriptive of how grief proceeds. The gates are not a map through a death-loss. These are doorways at which we stand to observe what influences our grief journey. Most importantly, Weller maintains we have a sacred duty to register the losses all around us. Here are some highlights of the book:

• Grief and sorrow are never too far from us and so we need to be skilled in handling sorrow and grief – Keller likes the image of an apprenticeship because it speaks of commitment and mastering a craft. We are all apprentices in soul work learning to embrace sorrow.

• Our culture doesn’t like to talk about grief because we pride ourselves on being in control, not going where sadness will take us. This needs to change.

• The five gates can help us understand loss and feel our inner landscape.

• The five gates are applicable to many kinds of loss, not only death loss. In fact, often a death loss raises other types of losses to the surface. (marriage/divorce, loss of a job, loss of standing in community or a family, loss of physical health, loss of youth)

5 Gates of Grief

All that we love we will lose: The first gate of grief reminds us that change is constant.
The places that did not receive love At the second gate we identify places in us that may have been neglected or rejected.
The sorrows of the world: The third gate is where we encounter and embrace the world’s suffering.
What we expected but did not receive At the fourth gate, we face our disappointments and loss of dreams.
Ancestral grief: The fifth gate recognizes the pain that we carry for those who came before us.
If you are interested in learning more about Weller’s work, or if you want to learn more about grief after a death loss, please register for this Saturday’s seminar.

Saturday, March 23,2024 — Holden Senior Center 1-3 p.m.

Sharing Hope Bereavement Series 2024

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Sharing Hope Bereavement Series 2024

If you have read my blog, heard me speak publicly on death loss, or are an acquaintance or friend, you know my often-repeated cry is that we are a death-phobic, grief illiterate culture and in order to grieve well or help others face a death-loss, we must increase our grief literacy. To this end Miles Funeral Home offers quarterly seminars that support the bereaved and educate grievers, the general public and grief professionals in death loss, grief work and mourning rituals. The seminar series is called Sharing Hope and each seminar includes an educational presentation, refreshments with the chance to connect with other grievers, and a free book for each participant. All seminars are held on Saturdays at the Holden Senior Center 1-2:30 p.m. So we can plan for adequate refreshments and free books, pre-registration is required.

Sharing Hope Bereavement Series 2024

The Five Gates of Grief: March 23, 2024

“Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close.” (Francis Weller) In his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Weller offers the five gates of grief as a way to recognize and understand loss. Pam will explore Weller’s five gates of grief as an effective starting place when navigating the challenges and opportunities of grief. (Use the link below to register for this seminar)

Family Loss: Parent, Child, Sibling, Aunt/Uncle, Grandparent, In-Law: May 18, 2024

“We’ve shared our lives these many years. You’ve held my hand; you’ve held my heart. So many blessings, so few tears – yet for a moment, we must part.” (Author unknown) Every loss is significant, every grief is noteworthy, but when someone in our family dies, either our family of origin or the family we created as an adult, we feel a distinctive loss. This seminar explores the unique considerations and complications of familial death-loss.

Grief : An Apprenticeship with Sorrow: September 14, ,2024

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran Grief tending is arduous work, it is exhausting and it has a way of encompassing every corner of life. To grieve well we must befriend the pain, honor the journey, and apprentice in sorrow. This seminar explores the emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical impact of sorrow.

Regaining Comfort & Joy in the Holidays: November 16, 2024

I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; Yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; Yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge.” (Og Mandino) When your heart is broken and life is complicated by the death-loss of someone significant in your life, the holidays can be overwhelming. From the empty chair at the family holiday meal to the merriment of neighborhood and office parties, the challenge to honor your pain and allow yourself some happiness is formidable. This seminar offers an opportunity to prepare your heart and your calendar to find comfort and joy during the holidays.

We hope you will join us, whether suffering a personal loss or seeking to increase your grief literacy we look forward to seeing you.

Grieving a Family Member

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Grieving a Family Member

Families are complicated to be sure and grief is hard work no matter what your relationship to the deceased. Nevertheless, familial grief exhibits some unique facets and concerns. This blog entry considers the impact of death on the family unit. Families may include spouses/partners, children, aunts, uncles, cousins. Non-traditional families could even consist of all adults with little or no biological connection. When speaking of relationships, the use of the word family is generally understood as parents, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but this is changing, so the use of the word family now includes relationships that are familial without a biological link.

Not all members in a family unit experience a loss in the same way, nor are the grief issues the same. For example, spousal/partner loss involves deep emotions, a shared partnership and often a lifelong history. All members of the family unit experience these facets of loss. However, spousal/partner loss carries additional facets such as the loss of a sexual partner, the culmination of a vowed, committed life and the end of sharing a home.

The death of a family member brings change not only to individuals, but to interrelationships within the family unit involving multiple dynamics. Here are some general things to consider when a family member dies.

Family identity and the dynamics of relationships have a strong impact on how a death is ritualized and how the family grieves. Each family is unique with its own subtleties shaped by things like cultural identity, previous losses, even the average age of the family members. A family may be newly arrived immigrants, or they might be a blended family.
The closer we are to the deceased, the more intense the loss. Family bonds run deep and are not always based merely on biology. The loss of someone who has played the role of a mother, may be far more impactful than the death of a biological mother. The death of a cousin could be more painful than that of a brother or sister. Losing a twin is often more devastating than losing another sibling. There are no parameters for measuring loss, the intensity of grief is most affected by the depth of individual relationship.
Because each person in a family has a unique relationship with the deceased, the grief of each family member is also unique. No single person in a family possesses the “best or correct” manner of grieving. It is best for families to make lots of room for each other to grieve in whatever manner and measure they most need.
When one thing changes in a family, other things also shift. Roles get reassigned, people adapt or maybe do not, members of the family may see themselves in a new way, causing others in the family to feel confused, afraid or even angry. Giving each other time to adapt, room to grow, and the ability to grieve at their own pace is the best gift you can give each other.
Grieving the loss of a spouse, parent, child, twin or other sibling can cause an identity change in a griever. These relationships hold so many links to how we identify ourselves and our daily routine, so it’s natural to feel lost when an immediate family member dies. For example, a parent who loses their only child, especially if they are the primary caregiver, will face a dramatic change in their life, creating a deeper quest involving their changing identity.
Grief can draw families closer together. Sometimes, it can pull them apart. It is common for families who experience traumatic or unexpected loss to “behave badly.” See my blog “Family Conflicts After Death” https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/family-conflicts-after-a-death/
Families who experience traumatic loss often seek out a counselor who can work with the family unit. I have witnessed successful healing when families who have suffered the loss of a young parent, death by suicide or drug overdose, or loss through unexpected accident or trauma, work as a group with counselor. In our area, Wellness Hub in Hubbardston offers excellent family bereavement support. https://wellnesshubhealing.com/?fbclid=IwAR2OX4jLmw1PJ3e682RRk1z1F3uDkF3_qK-RsVFHMfi0RapdB_3SpyJ7_jo

Helpful strategies for a grieving family:

When a family member dies, each member feels the loss and the disruption in the family system. Talking about the deceased person keeps them alive in the family, brings members of the family together, and promotes healing.
Allow each person in the family to share their memories, their stories, even if more than one family member tells the same story. We see things not as they are, but as we are, so each person’s memory is to be valued.
Relationships with extended family members and friends, especially if significant in the life of the deceased, helps family members to heal. Remembering that our loved one was cherished in the world beyond the family unit lifts our spirit.
Accept that things are not the same in a family when a member dies, especially if it is someone from the family of origin. Families can easily revert back to the dynamics of their early days when the children were growing and the adults directed the family. Long held traditions may be altered or dropped. Being attentive to changes in roles and activities and how these affect individuals in the family is important.
Be aware and plan for the challenging times such as holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, include the special days each family member faces, such as first day of school, or their own birthday.
Most importantly, families are meant to support and care for children in a special way. Be loving, be wise, and stay close to grieving children. Attend to their special needs. The Dougy Center has wonderful resources for supporting children through loss: https://www.dougy.org/

“Grief is like the ocean. The waves ebb and flow. Sometimes the water is calm. Other times it’s turbulent. In order to survive, I had to learn to swim. In moments when I struggled with massive waves of grief, I rode it out.”

― Dana Arcuri

Grieving the loss of friend

Thu, 08 Feb 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Grieving the loss of friend

One of the greatest joys in life is finding and developing deep friendship. It has been said and is quite true that friends are the family we choose. More than acquaintances, friends are the people we call when we need advice, companionship, or a listening ear. Friends are the people who know each imperfection in us and yet love us anyway. Friends are the people we look to when family fails us or work frustrates us; when sickness befalls us, when we need an adventure, or when loneliness invades our heart. Friends understand us without explanation, help us without asking, and love us without condition. When a friend dies, the greatest loss is that our would-be comforter is gone just when we need them most.

Friendship loss is similar to family loss, but unique in that friendship is a chosen relationship, often spanning years, vital in shaping who we have become. A friend’s death that comes after an illness can be especially painful because the journey to death is an intimate one and has naturally strengthened the bonds of friendship, increasing the pain of the loss. The sudden death of a friend is just as heart-rending because waking up the first day without a dear friend leaves us feeling lost and alone. Sadly, there seems a hierarchy to the magnitude of pain we assign to the types of loss, often placing the death of a child as worse, a spousal loss greater than other family loss, and friendship loss as the least significant. In fact, the death of a close friend can be just as engulfing and devastating as other types of loss such as spouse, child, or family member.

When you are grieving a friend…

The pain is there to remind you how much you loved this person.
Keep the memories close to your heart.
Talk about your loss to someone who understands.
Celebrate your friend on a given day each month … for example, if they were born on the 6th , then the 6th of every month is a day to do something to honor and remember your special relationship.
When loneliness overcomes you, light a candle, play their favorite music, place their picture near you, talk to them.
Write the story of your relationship and give thanks.
Perform an act of kindness in their name.
Create a playlist of music that reflects your loss and listen to it as one means to healing. (Spotify has a great one)

If you want an up-close, personal and passionate view of what losing a best friend is like and need some wisdom for healing from the loss of a friend, please view Morgan Solo’s video, How I healed after the death of my best friend. In this 21-minute video Morgan shares his thoughts about grieving the loss of a friend. His wisdom comes from his lifelong experience with cystic fibrosis. Although he had a lifetime of losing friends to this disease, when his best friend Erin died suddenly, “the dam caved”. In this personal and insightful video he shares his grief journey. Anyone who has ever lost a close friend will appreciate his wisdom. What he has learned about grief after losing so many friends is: “If we view grief, death, and loss as a mountain, our healing can only truly begin when we realize that grief is a mountain that, no matter how hard you try, can never be summited.”

YouTube Video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGkmjLzLk2A

Please take the time to view Morgan’s video, for it explains the nature of grief when losing a friend far better than I can.

Everything has changed: spouse, partner and soulmate loss

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Everything has changed: spouse, partner and soulmate loss

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” These are the opening words of C.S. Lewis in his primer, A Grief Observed, a memoir of his emotional journey after the loss of his wife and soulmate, Helen. Framed in a Christian construct, Lewis’ book remains one of the most beloved books for people who have lost a spouse or partner. His words are as enlightening as they are intense, as meaningful as painful. Lewis grieves his loss as a challenge of surrender, struggling simultaneously with the many changes that partner-loss brings and the mystery of death itself.

Every relationship will end with death, either the other person’s or our own. Depending on one’s belief about an after-life, the work of grief is focused on surrendering what was, or beginning what is now, or both of these. Whether we release our loved one into memory and legacy or we establish an ongoing relationship in spirit is an individual choice that shapes the landscape of our grief journey.

The nature and type of a relationship we have with a deceased person influences our reactions and our journey. Parents grieve children differently than children grieve parents; friends grieve friends differently than the medical staff grieve the loss of a beloved patient. The loss of a spouse, partner or soulmate has several unique features:

The amount of change experienced when losing a soulmate and partner to death is greater and wider, touching almost every aspect of one’s life. One’s day-to-day routine nearly vanishes.
The intrinsic bond of a vowed lifetime relationship creates an intimacy and intensity not found in other losses.
“The death of a husband or wife is well recognized as an emotionally devastating event, being ranked on life event scales as the most stressful of all possible losses.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK217848/
A redefinition of one’s role in a family typically accompanies the death of a spouse, partner or soulmate.
A death of one’s partner often alters one’s social role.
The loss of a sexual partner leaves a person without an intimacy that met both physical and emotional needs; occurring at a time when one needs more than ever to experience the physical and emotional closeness of safety and love.
The shared partnership of a home, children, and family is now relegated to the surviving partner, which results in several secondary losses, such as financial loss, sharing household responsibilities, and raising children.

A wonderful resource for those experiencing the loss of a partner is the website Soaring Spirits, developed by Michele Neff Hernandez whose husband died unexpectedly in a motorcycle accident at a young age. This website is filled with resources that address these unique features, as well as ways to connect with others grieving the loss of a partner. https://soaringspirits.org /

In addition to the fear that Lewis so aptly names, the most common reality of soulmate loss that people express is loneliness, a sense of being alone in a palpable way. These grieving soulmates describe this loss so powerfully, so beautifully:

The isolation of not having someone beside me is more than I can bear somedays. Everything has changed, my circle of friends, my schedule, my finances, there is no end to the reminders that I am in this alone now.
We met when we were 12 years old, he was my entire life, he knew me as a teenager, a young woman, a mother, and an aging crone and he loved me as all of these, at all times. No one can take his place; I am lost without him. I am not sure who I will be without him, and it scares me.
I am always thinking of her, every minute of the day. There isn’t a day that goes by without my heart breaking to the point of near destruction, never could I have imagined how much I would miss her.
This I know, I am forever changed now that he is gone. I get up each day, not sure of who I am, but to honor him, I have to find out.

The best advice I have heard from people suffering soulmate loss:

“Take it one day at a time. There is no perfect recovery plan, there is no timeline for when you should date or whether you should or shouldn’t sell the house or go on a trip. Let your heart guide you.”
“DO NOT take this journey alone, find a friend, neighbor, or relative that you can tell anything to or ask anything of.”

Although not written in the context of soulmate loss, the words of my friend Sarah Robinson Flick, MD, author of Desire, Mystery and Belonging, best describe my advice for grieving a soulmate:

“This I know, we are called not to control, but to trust.

We know more than we think we do.

Help is available,

And love goes on.”

Regaining Comfort & Joy in the Holidays

Sun, 14 Jan 2024 05:00:00 GMT

Regaining Comfort & Joy in the Holidays

There are many reasons people lose hope. There are times when although not in total despair, we just do not feel like celebrating. Life is complicated and messy and there are holiday seasons that for one reason or another, one might be just as happy to sail away for a quiet vacation and skip the frivolity. When your heart is heavy with grief may be one of these times. In fact, when we have experienced the death-loss of someone significant in our life, the holidays can become overwhelming. From the empty chair at the holiday meal to the merriment of neighborhood and office parties, the challenge to honor our pain and still allow ourself some happiness is challenging. Preparing your heart and calendar to include both comfort and joy can help.

Augustine “Og” Mandino II, born in Natick, Massachusetts, was an author and salesperson. He wrote he bestselling book The Greatest Salesman in the World. His books have sold over 50 million copies and have been translated into over 25 languages, but of his words that I most value these:

Mandino understood that while we pursue happiness, sadness too has its own reward in soul growth. In the world of grief we recognize the work of integrating a death loss into our life as a journey with opportunity for personal growth. Still, holidays can be challenging when grieving a loss because as we mourn, it seems the whole world is celebrating. Which of course is not true, but the constant barrage of ads, Christmas songs, lights and merriment often feels like an assault on the grieving heart.

If you are grieving a loss or dreading the holidays for any reason, I invite you to join us for a seminar this Saturday, November 16, 2024 from 1-3:00 p.m. at the Holden Senior Center. Our seminars include a formal presentation with insights on how to maintain hope while mourning a loss during the holidays, creating a balance of comfort and joy in your life. Following the presentation is a light lunch where you can meet other people experiencing a loss who are looking for light during the holidays. Each participant will receive a free book: Hope and Healing During the Holidays After the Loss of a Loved One, written by Jayne Flaagan.

It is our deepest hope that you find peace during these winter days. To attend the seminar register here.

On being a vilomah…

Thu, 11 Jan 2024 05:00:00 GMT

On being a vilomah…

Today’s blog begins a four-part series that explores types of death loss. In addition to considering the generalities of grief and loss, each blog in the series will explore the distinctive impacts and characteristics of a specific type of loss such as loss of a child, spousal and partner loss, family or friend loss. By understanding specific kinds of loss, we are better prepared to empathize with people who grieve. This blog entry considers the loss of a child. Whether by miscarriage, stillbirth, illness, accident, overdose or suicide, the death of one’s own flesh and blood often results in terminal grief and most parents will grieve a child’s loss every day until the day of their own death. The impasse of not fully understanding another’s grief is conveyed perfectly in Lady Gaga’s rendition of Til It Happens to You, a song she dedicated to parents who have lost children to death.

Two things I know for sure about grief are that it is a cavernous response to loss and that no loss is identical to another. Grieving a death-loss is intense, intimate and personal. Though we may be inclined to tell another person that “we understand,” or that we have “been there;” we haven’t. Even professionals with a specialty in grief and loss, though they can empathize, do not suffer the pain a griever bears when they have lost a beloved. At best, when someone is grieving, we can show up with a little bit of knowledge and a whole lot of love.

It’s commonly held that the death-loss of a child is the most horrific of losses, and indeed it is. The idea that a child precede their parent in death is shocking, no matter what their age. I have heard people express it in many ways, but always with the same disbelief. “It’s unnatural.” “It just isn’t supposed to be this way,” or “I can’t wrap my head around it.” One mother told me, “I will learn to live with it, but I will never accept it.”

When a spouse dies you are designated a widow or widower, or if a child loses their parents they become an orphan. A parent who has lost a child is known as a “vilomah.” Vilomah is a Sanskrit word that means “against the natural order.” This beautiful word is taking hold in our culture and captures the truth that resides at the core of a parent’s grief when their child dies, “it is against the natural order.” Parents naturally consider their children will outlive them, the shock and disbelief associated with child loss is potent and often delays a parent’s grief work. When parents lose a child, death is no longer a fact of life, it becomes a way of life. The journey to healing from a child loss is more complicated and longer, the road more treacherous than other losses, excepting complicated death loss, where the trauma is a central feature.

When speaking to parents who have lost children, a great deal of pain is added to their grief because our death-phobic/grief-illiterate culture has never been taught what to say to comfort parents. Although well-intended it is easy to hurt more than comfort grieving parents. Here is a small sampling of what grieving parents reported as less than helpful, and downright hurtful:

“I can’t tell you how many times people have said inappropriate things to me, like ‘you are young, you can have more children, or you now have a little angel in heaven. I end up feeling so embarrassed for them, I feel awkward and just want the conversation to be over.”

The worse thing anyone ever said to me was, “You were blessed with ten wonderful years.”

When my baby was stillborn, my own mother, said, “Did she take any breaths outside the womb, because if she did, she can’t go to heaven unless she is baptized. Did you call the priest to get her baptized?

Another bereaved parent shares this insight:

“Grief is hard work. Be gentle with yourself.” These are words repeated to me by a dear friend after the unexpected passing of our beloved daughter only 14 months ago. Grief is especially hard work when one of your children leaves this physical world. It is not the natural order of things. Being gentle is also hard work, as self-indulgence and focus on oneself hardly seem appropriate or even possible. But I have come to realize that it is necessary for our well-being and I am grateful for that advice.”

Without making comparisons that pit one type of loss against another, it seems that the element of the unimaginable happening, inherent in child loss, expresses itself in deeper pain, one parent put it this way: “I was being drowned nearly every day by waves of grief, and even when the deep grief subsided, the waves still came just as strong, with an equal power to overtake me.” An acquaintance whose grown daughter recently died unexpectedly five days before Christmas posted this on Facebook: “It is with great sadness and excruciating grief that I share the death of my child.” Another parent, whose child died a number of years ago, said, “It’s always as if it was just yesterday.” We should keep these three quotes in mind as we accompany grieving parents for these are the deeply held truths of a vilomah’s heart.

Child-loss grief resurfaces with fresh pain for the rest of one’s life, a near constant reminder of what would have been. As the years move ahead, so do the missed milestones that will never be met such as graduation, falling in love, marriage, grandchildren and other life achievements.

Here are some tips parents who have lost children have asked me to share:

“It comforts me when people speak about my child. So many people are afraid to say his name, thinking they will make me sad. What really makes me sad is to never hear his name, especially from my family members.”

“I do like it when people remember Sally on special days, holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, but it means more to me when someone remembers her on ordinary days.”

“Please stop telling me you understand, you don’t, you can’t, it was my baby who died, not yours, and every time you tell me you understand, you move her further away from me. I need you to help bring her closer to me.”

Each year, the month of July is Bereaved Parents Awareness Month, a time to become more knowledgeable about parental loss of a child. I encourage you to join their efforts and increase your understanding and ability to empathize with this type of loss.

Resources Specific to Child Loss

Why Me? & Sherry’s House :Parent to Parent Support Group 1152 Pleasant Street Worcester, MA 01602 Telephone: 508.757.7734 www.whyme.org

Hope Lives Here: 1085 Main St. Holden, MA. Tel: 508-233-8984 Email: info@hlhgrief.org – Child Loss Support: Second Thursday, 6:30 p.m.

Compassionate Friends Telephone: 877.969.0010 www.compassionatefriends.org Bereavement counseling and support services after the death of a child of any age. Sibling support. Local chapters in Westminster and Worcester (Follow “Chapter Locator” link).

Dougy Center, Support, resources, and connection before and after a death. Find tip sheets, activities, podcasts, and more through personalized toolkits for young people of all ages. The Dougy Center creates safe spaces and free resources for children and families who are grieving. www.dougy.org .

Bereaved Parents of the USA – Offers support, understanding, encouragement and hope to other bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents after the death of their children, brother, sister or grandchildren. https://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/

Make a New Year Resolution … to spend more time with someone who has passed…

Thu, 28 Dec 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Make a New Year Resolution … to spend more time with someone who has passed…

Recently, an ad for a popular celebrity magazine flashed across my computer screen, speeding through pictures of famous people who died in 2023. It was meant to grab my attention with an expectation of my purchasing a subscription, however I was appalled by the use of a celebrity’s death to sell a magazine. I was equally upset at how hastily one image moved to the next– mirroring our cultural tendency to move on soon after a death. Nevertheless, the flashing images prompted me to pause, remember, and be grateful for the people I knew who died this year.

As this year passes to the next, it is a good time to uncover the changes that have come with a death. Grief is not simply mourning a loss, lamenting what is no longer. It is embracing the ongoing connection with our deceased loved ones. After death we can no longer rely on the five senses to relate to our loved ones. For most of us, that requires that we discover and exercise an additional sense. For this, we must establish methods and rituals to foster ongoing communication. Here are a few ideas to help keep your deceased loved ones alive into the new year…

Create a space for them in your home. This can be as simple as hanging a picture in an honored place or establishing a sacred space made of their personal possessions.
Designate a specific day each month as their day. Observe it throughout the coming year. This is a day to remember, reflect and review your ongoing relationship with them. On this day, engage in an activity they enjoyed, visit someone they loved, or write a reflection of your life with them.
Celebrate their heavenly birthday with friends and family. This age-old tradition of honoring the anniversary of a death is a healthy grief practice.
Keep a journal of your conversations and interactions with them, including signs and reminders they are with you.
Take a photograph each month that reflects an attribute or activity of theirs. It could depict a virtue such as generosity or could picture a place they loved like the beach. If they loved their grandchildren, photograph the kids and share the pictures and your thoughts in a journal, or in your mind’s conversation with a deceased one, or over coffee with a friend.

New Year Resolutions typically concentrate on defeating unwanted habits, giving us a fresh start, or establishing a more perfected way. This is also true in death, sometimes we must work to overcome the habits of grief that keep us idle in loss. It is healthy and healing to experience the presence of our loved ones in our everyday life, especially when we believe in an ongoing bond and connection between them and us.

There are so many ways to reflect, remember, and renew our relationship with deceased loved ones. Out with the old, in with the new is a good maxim for turning the calendar and perhaps also for finding renewed hope in our grief. Resolving to work at a new relationship may be a perfect goal for 2024, to that end, I encourage making a New Year Resolution to spend more time with someone who has passed…trusting that love goes on.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” – Unknown

Winter grief, winter grace….begin with a soul-stice …

Thu, 14 Dec 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Winter grief, winter grace….begin with a soul-stice …

It’s no secret… I am devoted to summer when pjs stay longer in my bureau drawer, my daily exercise can include the sunset, and the increased hours of sunlight accommodate my diminished night vision. Sure, the crisp clean air that follows a beautiful snowfall is enchanting, but winter’s early hours of darkness make its reputation for being dim, dank and damp, a fitting one. Next week, December 21st at precisely 9:27 p.m. in the northern hemisphere we will experience, as we do each year, the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of light, the longest day of darkness, a.k.a. the first day of winter.

Darkness is neither a revered place nor a desirable state of mind. Think about how many children fear the dark; consider the growing number of teens and adults who suffer seasonal affective disorder. Hence, it is no surprise that a plethora of rituals involving “light” surround the coming of winter. Beginning with the celebration of the solstice, winter darkness is combatted with celebrations of light, life, and merriment. Indeed, most winter holidays developed as an attempt to bring us out of the dark, making this a season of light. Many rituals of these celebrations involve candles or fire, including Diwali, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Christmas and Kwanzaa, the Lunar New Year, Lohri, The Chinese Lantern Festival, and February 2nd Candlemas. A growing number of towns and cities also hold a festival of lights event to celebrate their community. Rituals of light can be a source of hope and healing, but for someone grieving a death loss these can also be a trigger for loneliness. Despite a temptation to cocoon ourselves in hibernation during the winter months, there remains many opportunities to balance isolation with sitting in the light with others. Grief beckons the bereaved to not only value the mystery of the dark, but to appreciate the grace of the light.

Despite winter’s diminished daylight when flowers cease to bloom and grass lays fallow, there is promise in the darkness. As the season when mother earth rests, it is good for the grieving heart to join earth’s precious pause, the miraculous months of earth’s pregnancy. Paul Theroux expressed it perfectly, “Winter is a season of recovery and preparation.” Embracing the mystery as the earth awaits its spring, living in the dark, adjusting our hearts to night vision with hope for all that is germinating in darkness, brings peace to a broken heart. Moreover, it can move us from traumatic stress to traumatic growth. In this way, winter can be a worthy companion for the grieving heart.

In the town of Holden there is a great gift shop named “Soulstice.” Every time I visit it, my eyes and heart feast on beautiful handmade gifts by local artisans. Not only do I love this store, but I also love its name, for solstice celebrations offer a unique opportunity for the soul to honor mother earth’s life cycle of light and darkness. This year, as I grieve a recent death loss, I will remember my loved one on the Solstice, making it a Soul-stice day by honoring the light she brought to my life, remembering our happy days, driving out the darkness of my grief while I sit in her luminosity. I will try to embrace grief’s dark days by basking in the glow of memory and spirit. I will light a candle for her, bring her brightness into my sacred space, and spend precious time in her presence. I will grant my soul its craving need to remember and rejoice in all we shared.

December 21st marks the longest day of dark, no doubt a mirror of the long, painful days our grief has met. But December 22nd begins the longer days of light, moving ever so slowly and gently toward more light… so keep hope…the day after the Winter Solstice, summer is on the horizon.

“In the depth of winter, I find within me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus

Holidays can support grieving….

Thu, 30 Nov 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Holidays can support grieving….

At our annual holiday bereavement seminar a few years ago, a woman approached me surprised that my presentation did not regard holiday grief as an arduous emotional task to be dreaded and feared. She noted how so many self-help books bear titles such as surviving the holidays or managing your holiday pain. I responded, “Winter grief is complicated, and the first holidays without a loved one’s physical presence are indeed painful, but it is also true that many holiday customs enrich and support our grieving, helping us to grow and heal.” At this time of year, traditions and rituals can serve our grief, whether these be time-honored practices or a new one. Watching the horrors of the Israeli-Hamas war, I can only imagine the depth of courage that will grace Jews everywhere as they commemorate the Maccabean victories and rededication of the Second Temple of Jerusalem at Hanukkah. Finding light in the darkness during a nationwide occupation is a timely and meaningful theme for both Jews and Palestinians.

Hanukkah recollects survival in the face of destruction. The eight-day commemoration begins the 25th day of Kislev which this year starts the evening of Thursday, December 7th and ends on the evening of Friday, December 15th . This centuries-old observance of victory, stamina and hope is marked by lighting a menorah with nine candles, one candle for each of the eight-day celebration, lit by the ninth candle called the shamash (helper candle). The Menorah evokes the memory of a miniscule amount of oil that burned for eight days creating light in a destroyed temple. The menorah lighting ritual includes recitation of blessings and the menorah is prominently displayed in a window to remind others of the miracle. Though I am not Jewish, as an interfaith minister, I have always observed Hanukkah by lighting a menorah in my home, reminding me that light is eternal.

How inspiring that such a small amount of oil lasted for so long! In our wasteful, disposable, throw-away culture we need practice in making things last. Just as the temple oil miraculously lasted, savoring and securing the emotions and memories of those who have passed, creates its own light. Our memories, like the temple oil, will help our grieving heart find its way in the dark. Although a loved one is no longer physically present, their enduring presence will last by tenderly caring for their material things and our emotional memories. Believe in what lasts, do not try to avoid grief, its light will guide you. A little bit of light dispels a lot of darkness.

In the days following a death-loss, it can be overwhelming to rededicate yourself to life. It’s easy to get weighed down by “life-before” and “life-after” thinking. So much changes when a loved one dies. Dwelling on what was and what is no longer is certainly a pitfall of grief. The miracle of Hanukkah reminds us to rededicate ourselves to life. Just as the new temple didn’t happen overnight, needing patience, courage, and hope, so too is finding the way back to a meaningful daily life without a loved one. Rededicating oneself to life is a crucial movement of the heart when grieving.

Another gleaning from the observance of Hanukkah for the grieving heart is to make room for awe. The darkness of grief leaves many a heart in fear, not the good kind of fear, not the shaky, inability-to-move-forward kind of fear. But fear has another meaning, it is also “awe,” the grace to stand in wonder as the unexpected arrives to lift us up and out of the depths of pain. One tradition I have when lighting my Menorah, is to consider each night, what unexpected miracle God has in store for me the next day, and I try to position my heart to be ready for it.

Grieving during the holidays does not need to be traumatic or empty. Seasonal celebrations and traditions have many lessons for the sorrowful heart and one does not need to belong to a specific religion to find meaning in a tradition’s practice. Maybe this year is a time to adopt a new observance, perhaps it’s the perfect year to display a Menorah in solidarity and in hope for peace in Israel. Maybe displaying a nativity scene in a prominent place can remind you that people who lived in darkness saw a great light in the form of an immigrant, homeless baby. Perhaps sending and receiving cards will remind you that you are loved and that there is peace, joy and hope to be found in December grief.

There are so many ways this special season offers hope; after all, hope is what a broken heart needs to begin its healing. So indulge yourself in a ritual, encourage your heart to celebrate a much-loved tradition, and let your mind wander in a new custom to stretch and strengthen you.

“Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later.” – BG

Never ready to say good-bye…

Thu, 16 Nov 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Never ready to say good-bye…

We are never ready for death. The physical signs apparent, the dying person seemingly ready, but expected or not, whether an infant or elder, be it disease or accident, even the death of one for whom we have prayed death… we are never ready. Funeral professionals confront death every day, yet the intensity of death still surprises us. Though we have greater knowledge of death, it doesn’t make us ready. A finely tuned response mechanism for emotional pain does not make someone ready, and one’s faith may be strong enough to move mountains, but even religious fervor can find you unprepared. Though I have faced death-loss countless times, a recent loss reinforced my instinct to deny my loved-one’s departure. I knew it was coming; I wasn’t ready.

My dear friend and sister-in-law recently passed and I find myself wondering if we can ever be ready for the death of someone we love. Though I knew it was coming for a couple of months, and I read her memorial service and eulogy to her days before she died, still I wasn’t ready. Nearly two weeks now since her death, I begin every day thinking, “I’m not ready to say good-bye.” The song One More Day, by Diamond Rio describes the impasse perfectly, “One more day, I know what it would do, leave me wishing still for one more day with you.”

I am not ready for the lost feeling that follows the impulse to call her, not ready when I see pictures of us realizing there will be no more. I am not ready when people offer condolences and I don’t respond because doing so reminds me she is gone. I am not ready to think about next summer when we will no longer enjoy the warmth of the sun or share a cold beer over casual conversation. I am not ready to cross her off my Christmas-gift giving list or remember her birthday as a thing of the past. I am not ready …I am not ready….

As a writer for a funeral home, a seasoned bereavement companion, and a minister-chaplain I have spent untold hours thinking about, writing about and journeying with people through the days of death and grief. Death is natural to the life cycle. And still when death comes to me personally, I am not ready. How could I be, for the desire to live and love and treasure relationships is instinctive to living. I have lied to so many people on their deathbeds, including my sister-in-law saying, “We are ready whenever you are ready to go.” On rare occasions it was the truth, but the reality was that we were not ready. In the days following the death of someone we love, grief readies us as we struggle to move forward. Grieving gets us ready for the new relationship with our departed loved ones.

Rest in peace dear Donna, I was not ready to say good-bye, still not, but as I muse over the ending, I make ready for a new beginning, a fresh relationship built not merely on memory, but an eternal bond.

Donna Reidy

February 6, 1961 – November 3, 2023

Winter Grief… a season to understand loss…

Thu, 02 Nov 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Winter Grief… a season to understand loss…

After enjoying record-warmth in October, we turn our calendars and our hearts to the chill of winter. As winter dares our grief, our earthly home also labors to shred its beauty, hovering in the darkness, waiting in silence for new life. Additionally, the various holidays in the next three months make the seasonal turn a precarious one for the grieving heart. This season, more than others, seems the perfect setting for pain, as nature offers endless reminders of death-loss in its dark, gloomy, bitter and bleak backdrop. Still, whatever the season, the work of grief is to put our loss into context, move through it with grace, and learn to live in loss. This work can be especially intense when people around you are celebrating.

The complexity of winter grief and the dread of the holidays are two reasons that our fall offering is the most attended bereavement seminar of the year. Whatever theme our autumnal seminar takes, it is a reminder that winter can also provide the backdrop to snuggle in, cozy down and let warmth embrace you. The season, even amid holiday frivolity, can be a quiet time to engage in solitary comforts that heal the soul, such as reading, listening to a powerful piece of music, journaling, or sipping a cup of perfectly brewed tea.

Registration is still open for our fall seminar, November 18th at 1:00 p.m. This strategy-based seminar will share ideas for embracing loss and practicing self-care while allowing yourself some joy. After the presentation participants enjoy lunch and have the opportunity to meet others on the grief journey. Participants will receive a complimentary copy of the book, “Healing Your Holiday Grief: 100 Practical Ideas for Blending Mourning and Celebration During the Holiday Season“, written by Alan Wolfelt PH.D.

Please click on the link below to register or call Miles Funeral Home at 508-829-4434. You may register up to 5 people with your online registration.

Always in season are these simple suggestions for a broken heart:

Be compassionate with yourself

Cherish every moment

Loss is personal, it is yours, honor it as it is and as you are.

Memory-sharing is healing, do not fear it.

We look forward to seeing you at the seminar… Saturday, November 18th at 1:00 p.m.

Your cell phone may be your best resource for the grief journey.

Thu, 19 Oct 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Your cell phone may be your best resource for the grief journey.

For me, the secret to a happy life has always been to start each day with positivity. This includes a variety of practices including meditation, listening to music, feasting on poetry, performing a gratitude reflection and setting daily goals for my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Having discovered the perfect apps, it’s never been easier to follow my daily positivity discipline. Downloaded on my phone, the apps go everywhere with me, so whether I am waiting in a doctor’s office, traveling on a plane or sitting lakeside at sunrise, I am ready prepared. The app I use daily is RITUAL, which offers a collection of reflections, practices, and meditations by a wide variety of seasoned practitioners from poets to priests to psychologists.

What is an App and How Does it Work?

App is short for an “application” which is a software program that can be added to your phone, tablet or computer. Apps can help us be more productive, learn, or track information. There are apps to help you reserve parking, order dinner, pray, learn a language or track your fitness level. Many apps are directed toward improving our daily lives. Bereavement apps are designed to support a grieving person.

Google Play and the Apple store each offer Apps to help grieving individuals. Apps range in cost from free to expensive monthly subscription fees. Be sure to check the cost before downloading. There are many good free apps. Some advantages of using an app include:

Resources are located in a single place for you
Free chats and messaging may be included and helpful when you need someone without notice
Daily reminders are generated automatically
An app can help you stay consistent in addressing grief and loss
Customized support is often a feature
Information can be absorbed in small doses and when the user chooses

A few of my favorite bereavement apps include:

Grief Works is a well-thought-out app that helps you navigate these feelings. The app is based on a book by Julia Samuel, who is a distinguished psychotherapist. A couple of the interactive tools you’ll be able to use include meditation and mindfulness guides as well as sleep and breathing exercises. One of the top features that users love about this app is the ability to write in your own personal journal

Ellie’s Way is an app that is full of amazing resources and gracious people who want to offer their support.

WYSA Imagine if you could have a little therapist by your side at all times. Well, you can! Wysa is an all-in-one app that can help you with anxiety, grief, and so much more. This app works as your happiness buddy, mood tracker, mindfulness coach, meditation guide, AI-powered chatbot, and overall close friend. The app gives you your own private space where you can keep track of your journey. Don’t worry if you need someone to talk to; simply start a chat with Wysa and get whatever is bothering you off your mind. Wysa gives you everything you need in the palm of your hands, from sleep stories and sounds to self-care exercises about overcoming grief and loneliness.

Grief Refuge helps you feel soothed and supported through grief, healing, and living your life from this point forward. It provides daily content to help you cope with death related loss and process grief-filled thoughts and emotions.

Ritual is an app that partners with experts to create transformative wellbeing practices. The experts offer a series related to their expertise, such as Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer offers “The Poetic Path” and Olympic gold medalist, Stanford graduate, and mental health advocate Simone Manuel explores how we can build our sense of self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence in our daily lives and work. A particularly good series for grievers is How to foster self-kindness offered by Jamilla Reddy.

Apps are effective because you do not have to go anywhere special to use them, they are consistent, and the content is produced by professionals. If you have never used an app before and are intimidated by the idea of finding one, downloading it and becoming comfortable with its use, then my best advice is to find a young person to help get you set up. A grandchild, niece, nephew, a neighbor or young person in your church is only an ask away. The Holden Senior Center offers a monthly session with high schoolers that give free help with technology needs…this is a perfect place to get assistance finding, downloading and using an app.

Grief is hard work. When mourning the loss of a loved one, you deserve any help you can give yourself. Don’t be afraid to try something new.

Chasing perfection…attaining excellence….

Thu, 05 Oct 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Chasing perfection…attaining excellence….

I am so excited to share the news that Miles Funeral Home is one of only 104 funeral homes to be honored with the 2023 National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) Pursuit of Excellence Award, placing us in an elite group of funeral service professionals. The award is conferred on Miles Funeral Home Holden and Miles-Sterling Funeral & Tribute Center.

In the United States there are 24,636 funeral home businesses, in the state of Massachusetts there are 970. Only one other funeral home in Massachusetts received the award which requires recipients to demonstrate and adhere to the highest ethical and professional standards. Judges selected only funeral homes that provide “unsurpassed service to families and communities.”

To earn an NFDA Pursuit of Excellence Award, we had to meet or exceed business standards set forth by the program and demonstrate proficiency in key areas of funeral service, including: “compliance with state and federal regulations; providing ongoing education and professional development opportunities for staff; offering outstanding programs and resources to bereaved families; maintaining an active level of involvement within the community; participating and actively serving in the funeral service profession; and promoting funeral home services through a variety of marketing, advertising and public relations programs. Participants are also required to adhere to a Pledge of Ethical Practices.”

“This year’s Pursuit of Excellence honorees are a truly exceptional group. Not only are they serving grieving families with dignity and compassion, but they are finding meaningful ways to support and give back to the community,” said NFDA Director of Public Relations Jessica Koth, who manages the Pursuit of Excellence Award program.”

Vince Lombardi once said, “Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.” At Miles we strive to go the extra mile and then some, we continuously seek to exceed customer expectations, and we are dedicated to the advancement of our communities. In our application we highlighted our success in educating the community in after-life care and bereavement. Since April of 2021 we have offered more than 35 in-person educational events, increasing funeral home literacy among nurses, hospice staff, educators, social service workers, and the public. Additionally, this Thoughtful Thursdays blog has more than 100 original educational, inspirational postings in the following categories: children and death, cremation, the opioid epidemic, funeral etiquette, grief, loss and bereavement, and preneed services. Education is our means for creating a culture in which death is less feared and grief is supported.

When notified of the award, winning our first national award for excellence, owner and President of Miles Funeral Home, Richard S. Mansfield, Jr said, “We are honored to receive this prestigious award and are grateful to our outstanding staff and the families who put their trust in us. We value dedication to the community and are encouraged by this recognition of our hard work. We thank the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA).

We will continue to chase perfection, knowing that we will not always meet the expectations of those we serve, but that the pursuit of excellence is at the heart of our mission to honor lives and celebrate memories.

Congratulations to all the Miles team members, you are each a worthy recipient of this prestigious award.

Death is another matter…. a loss like no other

Thu, 21 Sep 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Death is another matter…. a loss like no other

I have never been so aware of living in a death-phobic, grief-illiterate culture, nor have I ever been as committed to serving people experiencing a death loss. While there is a glut of information about dying, death, and the labor of grief, most people are unprepared to meet personal loss or comfort a griever. Yet, one thing that we know about life, it does not last forever. Death is a certainty, embracing it, a necessity. Understanding death, not fearing it, is a vital element of human development. What is not intuitive about death needs to be learned in families, education programs, and through cultural practice.

Loss is a part of the human journey that is never easy. We experience our first loss the moment we leave the comfort of our mother’s womb and we continue a relationship with loss in a host of lifetime events such as moving to a new place, leaving grammar or high school, broken relationships, loss of health, home or job. As we face planned or unexpected losses we develop strategies and resilience for keeping our emotional balance. Nonetheless even the strongest, most resilient, emotionally healthy people who have continually met loss with grace, have difficulty when they experience the death of someone they love deeply. The sorrow of losing a partner, child, friend or other family member is real and not to be diminished. Understanding grief and filling your toolbox of inner resources can lessen the pain but requires making peace with death, which comes from learning its ways and facing our fear.

Many grievers describe misunderstandings, even anger at inappropriate messages given to them about their loss, which leaves them feeling alone and frustrated over words meant to comfort them. Some innocent, but misguided comments glaringly reveal a profound lack of knowledge about the grieving process. One shocked, offended widow recently told me that within a few weeks of the unexpected loss of her husband she was asked how she was doing. Replying that some days were good and some were not, the inquirer responded, “Really? Still?” This is a perfect example of grief illiteracy and its impact on grievers.

I have long called for grief literacy; indeed one could rightfully regard me as a broken record, and here I am again calling for educating ourselves about death-loss and grief. Here are some palatable books to begin with as well as the Miles Funeral Home website that has many articles which only take a few minutes to read and offer excellent information.

It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand Paperback – October 1, 2017 by Megan Devine(Author), Mark Nepo (Foreword) ISBN-10 : ‎1622039076

Grieving Is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable, December 8, 2020 by Joanne Cacciatore (Author) ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1614297010

Being There for Someone in Grief – Essential Lessons for Supporting Someone Grieving from Death, Loss and Trauma by Marianna Cacciatore , February 14, 2010 ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0984454101

Finding your Way Through Grief https://www.milesfuneralhome.com

Help yourself, your family and your neighbor by increasing your understanding. I assure you such knowledge will one day become useful and necessary.

Finding what you need when you need it…

Thu, 07 Sep 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Finding what you need when you need it…

Recently while waiting for an appointment at the doctor’s office I overheard an elderly woman speaking to the check-in staff, “Please be patient with me, I am so grouchy today because I have such horrible pain.” I was struck by her self-awareness, honest judgment and her ability to get her need met by stating the obvious with simplicity and generous self-concern. We should be as unencumbered in expressing ourselves when we are grieving. Being aware of grief’s impact on us and being direct about it is fundamental to getting our needs met. Talking with a trusted friend, listening to a podcast, using an app, attending a seminar or support group, reading a grief-related book, or performing a daily ritual, may help you achieve exactly what the woman in the doctor’s office did ….state your situation plainly and elicit the help of others.

In many respects grief is a private affair; it is also a lonely journey. There are times when grief loss is overwhelming and we need some help, but not all friends, support groups, books or movies can address the moment we are experiencing. We are more likely to get the comfort we need if we know how to find and use suitable resources. The woman visiting an orthopedic doctor was in the right place, an obstetrician wouldn’t have the expertise to treat an 80-year-old woman’s leg pain. Like her, we need to find the best resource to help with the emotions and changes that grief bring.

I am pleased to announce the topic for the next Miles Funeral Home Sharing Hope Bereavement Seminar: Finding What You Need, When You Need It. The seminar is 1:00 p.m. Saturday, September 16, 2023 at the Holden Senior Center and includes a presentation exploring the topography of death-loss, guidelines for finding and choosing the best resource for navigating grief, and an examination of helpful books, websites, apps, podcasts, and support groups.

The Miles seminars include lunch, a chance to meet people also on the grief journey, and a free book. The book selection for this seminar is a collection of resources I have compiled to help grievers find what they need, when they need it. It also includes an assortment of Thoughtful Thursday blogs written about grief. The book will be given only to seminar participants and is not available outside this setting.

If you are grieving the loss of someone you love: be gentle with yourself, be good to yourself, and know there is a great deal of help available as you face the challenging, painful days. American youth fiction writer, Kiera Cass gives great advice for the griever: “We know your strong, but accepting help is its own kind of strength.”

Please email me if you have any questions about the seminar or how to register. Email to Pam@Milesfuneralhome.com or register for the seminar directly using this link: http://events.constantcontact.com/register/event?llr=59vx7fdbb&oeidk=a07ejxouslhad311fa7

Let the Arts Heal You…

Thu, 24 Aug 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Let the Arts Heal You…

Eileen Miller, from Color Therapy says, “Art can permeate the very deepest part of us, where no words exist.” I dare to say this is true of all art forms. The arts provide an opportunity to explore our feelings as we embrace the magic and mystery of a painting, song, sculpture, poem or a live performance. The arts can be a meeting place for our grief, a place that offers momentary peace or permanent healing.

While wandering through the Uffizi museum several years ago, I came upon a painting that depicted the Flight of Mary and Joseph into Egypt as they escaped the infanticide Herod the Great ordered in hopes of killing their son. While I was familiar with many depictions of this narrative, this painting fueled an entirely new understanding of the historic event, arousing in me the pain of Mary and Joseph’s grief. In the picture Mary is riding a donkey, Joseph leading the way and Jesus is laying in Mary’s arms on her lap, while Mary shields Jesus from seeing all the dead children along the side of the road. As many times as I heard this story or saw it in a painting, the depth of Mary and Joseph’s sadness never entered my mind. Imagine the joyous birth of your child instigates the death of so many infants and toddlers. I stood by this painting for the longest time, just letting the sadness sink in. Art provoked a deep sense of grief in me and provided a new experience of the story.

No less an impact was made in my heart the first time I attended a New York theater production of Les Misérables. The performing arts is a perfect genre for evoking grief and bringing loss to the front of our hearts. The moving death of Jean Valjean with Cosette and Marius by his side and the death of Inspector Javert whose despair leads him to drown himself in the river Seine, each solicited sobbing sorrow from me. A skillfully executed performance with grief as its message, like a painting, raises our tightly held pain to the surface, opening a path to healing our heart.

Last year, I conducted a grief seminar structured solely on musical selections that addressed different aspects of grief from a death-loss. There is no more perfect or moving description of a woman’s death-loss of a husband than Amanda Holden’s With You. Music’s capacity to make us happy or sad, melancholic or reminiscent can play a huge role in our healing. Not merely the lyrics, but the tone, pace and melody impact our feelings. I know so many people whose most cathartic moment at a funeral was listening to a song. Indeed, many people play the songs from their loved one’s funeral over and over as they walk the path of grief. The songs become part of the journey, offering comfort and healing.

Come Unto Me sculpture by artist Jerry Anderson, Spilsbury Mortuary, St. George, Utah |

Photo by Andrew Pinckney, St. George News

Beautiful sculptures have a way of making a reality come alive through an inanimate item. A good sculpture brings some idea, message, or vision to life to expand our mind and heart. A photo of a sculpture by Jerry Anderson, Spilsbury Mortuary in St. George, Utah so startled my belief in what the moment of entering heaven will be like that I bought a large photo of the sculpture and made room for it on the chapel wall in the nursing home where I was chaplain. So many depressed and lonely residents in the nursing home sat and stared at that photo, as it lifted them from fear to hope. I would love to see this sculpture up close and imagine it would be like my experience at the Uffizi.

The art form which has most impacted my healing from grief is poetry. For years, my most favored poet for healing grief was Phyllis Wheatley. Two years ago, all that changed when poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer begin writing daily poems relating to the death-loss of her son who took his life. Rosemerry’s many poems have the deepest dive into grief ever taken, both its insidiousness and potentially healing hold on us. Rosemerry’s poems usually advance the get-better not bitter work of healing. Reading her poems helps me mourn deeply and heal hopefully. I have many favorites, so it is hard to share only one. I chose one in which Rosemerry describes what it means to grieve, what it feels like and what it takes to get up every day without the one you love.

For the Living by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

It is the work of the living
to grieve the dead.
It is our work to wake each day,
to live into the world that is.
It is our work to weep,
and it is our work to be healed.

Some part of us knows
not only the absence of our beloveds,
but also their presence,
how they continue to teach us,
how they invite us to grow.

It is our work to be softened by loss,
to be undone, destroyed, remade.
Wounded, we recoil,
and it is our work to notice how,
like crushed and trampled grass,
we spring back.

It is our work to meet death again
and again and again,
and though it aches to be open,
it is our work to be opened,
to live into the opening
until we know ourselves
as blossoms nourished from within
by the radiance of the ones
who are no longer physically here.

They have given us their love light to carry.
It is our work to be in service to that light.

Can the arts help your grieving, can pictures, songs, the performing arts, sculptures and poetry heal? I say a resounding yes and I encourage you to add a healthy dose of the arts as often as you can while you walk the path of grief.

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” Haruki Murakami

Thu, 10 Aug 2023 04:00:00 GMT

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” Haruki Murakami

We innately know the cycle of life. Deep within we realize everyone dies. Death will come to each of us and to those we love – some sooner, some later, some reverently and some in unimaginable violence. There is no way to know the hour or manner. Thinking about our death or that of someone we love isn’t a pleasant thing, but reflecting on death as a natural part of the cycle of life can bring a renewed sense of living and help us focus on the preciousness of life.

Most of the time we accept death as an intangible possibility. But when that possibility becomes reality, we are almost certain to react with disbelief, sometimes even shock. In horrific circumstances like the death of children in a school shooting or other mass shootings, whether we personally knew the victims or not, death shatters our serenity. When someone dies after a lengthy illness valiantly fought, we may feel relief. When a young person with so much left to give dies, the loss can be sharp and intense. When people die of old age, having lived healthy lives, death is more easily received as an unpretentious, intended outcome of life. Surely, the circumstance and timing of a death govern our reaction and the path of our grief journey.

Sadness, shock, guilt, fear, anger, and hopelessness are common reactions to a death loss. The depth of one’s reaction is relative to the relationship with the deceased or their survivors. When it is the loss of a child or spouse, grief can be unbearable. When sudden and unexpected, the loss may not be felt for months as the struggle to believe overshadows everything else. When death has loomed near, but evaded someone who has suffered long and hard, the struggle to accept the finality of life can be experienced. Because each life and each death are unique, there is no single path to healing from a loss, nor will each person grieve a decedent the same way.

While circumstance and relationship influence healing from a death-loss, the common conclusion of the grief journey is realizing that love remains. Poets, artists, philosophers, and theologians have for centuries reminded us that love is eternal, it does not end, it does not die. No matter who dies, the manner of their living, or the circumstance of their death, their love for us and ours for them, lives on. Only when we no longer remember them does love die. In the remember-ing we find the energy, affection, and love that we enjoyed when a person was alive. Not merely a function of memory, authentic remembrance carries love. Through rituals of remembrance, love can be replenished even when someone has left this world. Anais Nin said it well: “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source.”

Whether reflecting on the death of someone you love, your own death, or the cycle of life, it is enlightening and empowering to embrace the life-death-after-life cycle. It is certainly healing to experience the love left behind by a person who has died, and it is good to make ready the love we will leave behind when it is our time to go.

“Love wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.”

— Madame de Staël

There are no words. There is only life before and life after.

Thu, 27 Jul 2023 04:00:00 GMT

There are no words. There is only life before and life after.

There are no words. There is only life before and life after.

When your spouse dies you are designated a widow or widower, or if a child loses their parents they become an orphan. You may not know that a parent who has lost a child is known as a “Vilomah.” Vilomah is a Sanskrit word that means “against the natural order.” A very apt description for what is at the center of the deep grief response when someone’s child dies, “it is against the natural order.” Parents naturally consider their children will outlive them.

Whether one’s child is four or forty, whether through illness or accident, it is unfathomable to any parent that their child leaves this earth before them. The grief from the loss of a child never ends, and life never returns to “normal,” the new normal is characterized by emptiness, a pain that rarely stops, and a former life that can never be restored.

Each year, the month of July is set aside to raise awareness around parental death loss of a child. Known as Bereaved Parents Awareness month, this is a time to become more enlightened on the trauma of the unthinkable, parental loss of a child. “This special month was founded in 1989 by a group of bereaved parents who wanted to ensure that other grieving families were supported during this challenging time. Over the years, it has become a powerful movement that encourages people to come together and share their stories, as well as provide comfort and hope for those still struggling with grief.” https://www.holidaycalendar.io/holiday/bereaved-parents-awareness-month#:~:text=July%201%20marks%20the%20start,supported%20during%20this%20difficult%20time .

Several months ago, my dear friends lost their daughter in an unexpected death. While I have known many bereaved parents over the years, including my own, this loss has touched me deeply. Taking the grief walk with them over the past months has rendered my thoughts about grieving parents more personal. It has made my desire to help more acute. At the end of the day, I have done precious little to help heal their pain or restore their happiness. This is such an important lesson, as hard as one may try, as present as one attempts to be, as loving as we are, the burden that comes with losing a child will be carried until the bereaved parent is reunited in the next world with their child.

Grief can be a very lonely journey and it is common for bereaved parents to feel alone, they may feel no one understands what they are going through and think they must navigate grief on their own. While I admit that I do not know exactly what my friends are going through, I am committed to reminding them that they are not going through it alone. That they do not feel so alone is the most for which I can hope. Holding their thoughts, needs, and broken hearts close to mine is all I can do. Here are some simple ways I have tried to support my friends. I offer these not just as ideas for Bereaved Parents Month, but as continual best practices, because a child loss is a forever loss.

Consider ordinary days may be as deeply painful as anniversaries, birthday, or other special occasions. Don’t just show up when it is apparent that they are grieving.
Listening is more valuable than speaking. Active listening is required. That means we employ not only the gift to listen, but the courage to hear.
Offer a presence that encourages re-membrance by making room in your heart, conversation, and events for their child.
Strike the right balance between remaining close to them and stepping back.
Honor that you are now not only in relationship with these parents, but you are also now in a relationship with their grief. Do not fear grief or them, do not try to dissolve, solve it, or ignore their pain. Embrace it like a newborn, it is a living sensation for them.
It is uncomfortable when we are at a loss for answers to the tough question of why a child precedes its parent in death, but better to openly share it than to overlook it as it pierces their heart and mind.
So many times, over these many months as I have held my dear friends in my heart and mind, I think only this: there are no words, there is only life before and life after.

If you are a bereaved parent in need of resources to support your grief journey, please reach out to me at pam@milesfuneralhome.com.

To all grieving parents,

Miles Funeral Homes offers you our deepest sympathies

for such an unspeakable loss. We wish you peace….

Lots of Thursday Thoughts…..

Thu, 13 Jul 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Lots of Thursday Thoughts…..

Today we celebrate Thoughtful Thursday’s 100th posting! Looking back to its inception I remember the simple desire to help people understand their grief, find peace, and address some of the most asked, but rarely answered, questions about death and funeral care. It has been a rewarding experience in self-reflection and foremost, a chance to support people searching for truth in what is probably the most profound mystery of our lives, death. Beginning this venture, I knew the mystery of death was intimately and intricately inter-connected to the mystery of life, I now believe more intensely these are inextricable joined. At this momentous juncture, I share some of my favorite ideas and posts.

Our first posting was November 19, 2020 with this welcome: In keeping with the Miles tradition to “honor and celebrate lives”, Thoughtful Thursdays will muse on topics that help us cherish life, including themes like love, challenge, gratitude, hope, adventure, discovery, and blessings. The Miles blog is written for a general audience understanding that whether you are a professional, colleague, a consumer of our funeral homes, or someone we have yet to meet, we share a common journey and can all benefit from a few insightful words.”

Some ideas and words were truly inspired. I am not sure where inside me the words were born, but in the writing, I was inspired to dig deeper, to engage with mystery before me. Here are a few:

Posted 12/9/21 Amid the mysteries and theories, what I do know is that a person is only gone from this earth when we forget them. When we no longer remember the joy we felt when we were with them, or the comfort we had in trusting them, or the simple pleasures of everyday life with them, then they are gone. When the treasured stories have lost their spark, when we no longer adorn our homes with our loved one’s photos, when we forget how they loved us, then they are gone.

Posted 2/10/22 A funeral, memorial service or celebration of life brings the reality of death to the fore where we have a chance to formally begin the grieving process. But when the service is over and everyone goes home, we are left with the stark realization that our loved one is no longer here to see, touch and relate to us in the flesh. Now begins the work of establishing a new way of relating to someone whose spirit, memories, energy, and love remain with us. When someone dies, we can no longer depend on the five physical senses to relate to them, we must exercise our sixth sense, that way of knowing and enjoying the presence of one no longer in the flesh. This is the work of grief.

Posted 1/14/21 With a growing number of people identifying as spiritual rather than religious, it is challenging to create rituals that accomplish what cultural and religious ceremonies have in the past. Helping people create meaningful ritual helps clarify their beliefs and express the significance of the moment. Humans need rituals to enable the human heart to celebrate, mourn and endure life’s deepest moments.

These were the posts that were easiest to write:

12/31/20 … Reset …. Resolve…. https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/reflect-reset-resolve/
1/28/21 Funerals During a Pandemic … https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/240-2/
1/27/22 Preplanning 101 – Everything you need to knowhttps://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/preplanning-101-everything-you-need-to-know/

My all-time favorite post is Bah Humbug!, in which I posit that Scrooge suffers from unresolved grief. I thoroughly enjoyed thinking this idea through and relished writing about my theory even more! https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/bah-humbug/ . A close second is the series in which I personified the seasons, each writing a letter with advice for the grieving heart, published May 6,13,20 and 27th of 2021.

Thank you for your continued attention through these two and half years, for your kind responses and the verbal encouragement so many of you have given me. If you have a favorite quote, a beloved post, or just a special message as we meet this 100 Posts milestone, please share in the comment section below .

Here’s to the next 100!

Why I work in the funeral industry…

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Why I work in the funeral industry…

Recently I met someone new who casually asked what I did for work. When I responded that I work in funeral care, the woman quickly countered, “Why on earth do you work in a funeral home when you could work in so many other places?” I acknowledged that funeral care is something everyone needs and no one wants, and that she is correct in concluding the average person doesn’t hold the funeral industry in high regard. I countered that these circumstances don’t deter me in the least. She wondered if it’s depressing to always have death on your mind or if being around death made me fear mine. These were great questions that I enjoyed discussing. Thinking about my work renewed my desire to do it well.

The intrinsic rewards that come from accompanying people through the hardest days of their life are immeasurable. Grieving souls are so generous in sharing their pain, so trusting in allowing someone they have never met to guide them through the pain of loss. Being with the dead and those who grieve them has shown me the preciousness of our time on earth, the positive influence one person can have on another, and the natural need humans have to connect deeply with others. Being so close to death all the time has caused me to wonder, not fear, the mystery of life beyond this world. The opportunity to face the magnitude of life each day is a gift of the profession.

Most people quickly conclude that working around death is morose, but death has much to teach about life. Life is short, life is good, life is an opportunity, and above all – life is precious. My desire to work with in funeral care stems from a deep belief in humanity, from a strongly held conviction that each life is a gift and that when someone dies it is good to pause to contemplate that life, to honor them, and to comfort those whose loss is deep. In the face of losing someone deeply loved, each person has a right to good grief support. This includes proper disposition of the body, rituals that express the significance of that life, and accompaniment that is helpful and sympathetic. I am proud to work with a team of professionals whose mission is to provide funeral care that is personal, meaningful, and is carried out with deep concern and expertise.

As with any job, we weigh its challenges against the good that we can do while finding personal meaning. As a minister, the work I choose to do must also fit into my vocation to serve. My new acquaintance inquired why I wasn’t working in a church, hospital, or prison, – “Why,” she asked, “of all places a funeral home?” I told her it comes down to using the same measure I have used for any other job I have held. It is articulated well by Parker Palmer in his book, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, as he says, “Vocation is the place where your greatest gifts, meet the world’s greatest need.” At the end of the day, the best answer to the woman’s query, is that I work in a funeral home because my gifts are needed, because I receive the reward of experiencing life as meaningful, and because people need to grieve loss well and make peace with death.

Congratulations to our Graduates …

Thu, 15 Jun 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Congratulations to our Graduates …

Crossing the Threshold

In the last few weeks many people have attended baccalaureate and graduation ceremonies for high schoolers and college grads. Tuesday, June 6th I had the privilege of speaking to local graduates at Wachuett Regional High School’s baccalaureate. As I prepared my remarks I thought about the sacredness of crossing any threshold, but especially stepping into the world when leaving school. I share my remarks to the Wachusett seniors here, as we at Miles wish the many graduates we know a happy graduation and a bright, happy future.

Dear graduates, at this moment, you stand on a threshold. As with any gateway you can enter from either side. One portal leads to the past, the other to the future. Each offers distinct grace, the past releasing gratitude, the future unlocking unimagined possibilities. This evening, standing in the middle, you possess the power of the past and the luxury of the future. In this imaginary doorway, we pause to consider the sacred nature of your commencement.

Looking back there were books, tests, and assignments that you delighted in and those that you loathed. There were subjects and teachers you anticipated with dread and others who lit your mind like a bonfire. There are long-forgotten facts, memorized only for a test, and discoveries that continue to shape you academically and personally. Through it all you were given an opportunity not simply to learn, but to acquire wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge that has journeyed through the heart. Wisdom applies knowledge in service to others and seeks all things good.

In addition to academics, your education provided a laboratory for rich lessons in being human. As you cross your threshold, I offer three notable figures, who through knowledge and experience developed wisdom, but to gain wisdom, each had to cross a considerable threshold.

Siddhartha Gautama, later known as the Buddha, was born a royal in Nepal in 564 BCE. His overprotective father shielded him from everything, especially suffering, old age, and death. Stepping over his threshold into the reality from which he was protected, Buddha boldly embraced the cruelties of existence, resulting in a life of compassion, even-mindedness, and loving-kindness. He became a beloved teacher of “the middle way,” an ethical lifestyle based on moderation and loving kindness.

St Paul, also known as Saul from Tarsus, grew up working with his hands, learning a trade as a tentmaker. He was a devote Jew and a member of the Pharisaic movement. Threatened by the changing face of Judaism, along with other Pharisees, Paul frequently murdered Christians. He found a way over his threshold, and became one of the most prolific authors of New Testament theology. He is best known for his definition of love…Love is Patient, Love is kind…

Our third notable figure was introduced to me by Maria Harris, one of my favorite college professors. More than 40 years ago I took a theology course with her that began this way: “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, as I look out at you, I think that perhaps now you might be old enough to read Alice in Wonderland.” She then announced that the only textbook for the semester was the 1865 fantasy novel, originally entitled Alice’s Adventures Under Ground. It was written by Reverend Charles Dodgson, using the pseudonym, Lewis Carroll. Who knew it was a theological discourse on the spiritual journey? Not me. O how wise Professor Harris was! She immediately had us hooked! 100% of the class did the reading. I offer Alice of Wonderland as the third notable threshold crosser.

Alice descended a rabbit hole to find a mysterious underground wonderland. She encountered creatures that defy all reasonable expectations. She had incoherent adventures involving a Hatter, a Hare, and the Queen of Hearts. In a seemingly irrational place, Alice grappled with the question that makes one wise, “Who in the world am I?”

Buddha crossed the threshold of inexperience to learn compassion, Paul crossed the threshold of hatred to find love, and Alice crossed the threshold of preconceived judgment to experience awe. Most importantly, each found their authentic self. In so doing, they became wise. They offer us a pathway to follow, but it requires bravely stepping over our own threshold.

At some point, each stood where you do now, facing the unknown, risking what they had for what could be. Paul was directed by an unexplainable forceful voice and light, Buddha moved to silence under a tree, and Alice was led by a white rabbit. Through the seemingly illogical each found wisdom. So, a word to the wise, the journey may not end up entirely as you have planned. Consider what they have learned: unimagined possibilities can make you wise.

The number of times you have walked through a doorway is too many to calculate. Education, your family, teachers, social relationships, and community support have made you comfortable with passing from place to place. You are about to step into the future. Your best self is waiting for you on the other side.

Over two thousand years ago Buddha taught the Metta, a practice of meditation generating loving-kindness. The idea of Metta is to hold another in your heart, directing goodwill toward them. Buddhists practice the Metta beginning with their soul, expanding the intention of lovingkindness outward. In the spirit of the Buddha with loving-kindness let us bless each other for crossing the threshold….

May you be filled with loving-kindness, May you be well, May you be peaceful and at ease. And may you be happy.

One last thought, for the rest of your life you will be asking this question “In this mad, crazy world, Who am I?” So that you remain open and ready for the unimagined possibilities, I recommend traveling with a copy of The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland.

Our common humanity rises to meet our fears…

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Our common humanity rises to meet our fears…

No one likes to think about dying, less do we care to contemplate the death of the people we love. Notwithstanding death’s certainty, frightened and anxious about loss, we have become a death phobic society. Indeed, many people avoid the grief process, urging others to “move on” soon after their heart has been broken by a devastating loss. The status quo may well be summed up in words a recent widow shared with me, “It seems like I am the only one who cares that he is gone.” To her, we have lost the capacity to share her grief.

As people forego a wake or calling hours, memorial service or burial, the rituals surrounding death are changing, leading us to question the value of our funeral practices. Nevertheless, a recent experience reaffirmed my conviction that despite our death phobia, we remain compassionate and generous in honoring the lives of people who pass and in comforting their survivors. PJ’s death was unexpected, a shock beyond the imaginings of the countless people who knew and loved him and his family. As news of his passing spread and preparations to honor him began, hearts broke for his wife, children, family, and the school community where he was revered.

Visiting the family of a deceased person is a ritual practiced in many cultures. In our tradition this is known as “calling hours” and typically takes place in a funeral home, although of late, it has also taken place in houses of worship. The purpose of the visitation is to honor the dead and comfort the survivors, offering a chance to say a prayer, bid our farewell and give loving support to the grief-stricken. The visitation hours for PJ began before the appointed hour with a line of people wrapped clear around the building. Soon the line grew out to the street and up the street and into other public parking lots. It remained this way for more than 4 hours. A fair estimate is that about 1300 people paid their respects to PJ and his family, but the numbers alone do not tell the story. What I witnessed during these hours was a stunning, genuine confirmation that despite our aversion to death, we willingly share grief at its deepest and most painful place.

In a position to interact with each of the people coming through the line that night, I met the best of our humanity. There were PJ’s co-workers whose overwhelming loss was evident in their shocked expressions, yet they held each other up as they faced disbelief. There was the reluctant father who just weeks before was in this funeral home as a bereaved dad whose only son died suddenly. He stood for hours in line with a recurrence of deep, personal pain in his heart. There was the football team, some who had never been to a wake, and young people fearful of encountering a deceased body for the first time. There was the young man on crutches who waited hours but when offered to be brought to the head of the line, refused out of deference to others who also waited. There were countless youngsters learning their first lesson in death-loss. Encouraged by the support of their parents and teachers, having waited patiently more than three hours in line, I was deeply moved by their respectful, patient demeanor. PJ would be so proud of them. There were those who shared immeasurable hours of volunteering in the community with PJ, some who stayed the entire time, lending their support not only to the family but to the mourners. Some traveled more than two or three hours each way to get there, only to wait another two or three hours in line, their heartfelt concern a testament of love for PJ and his family. With calm and empathy each person who came to honor PJ and comfort his family reaffirmed that no matter how anxious death makes us, the dignity of our common humanity rises to meet our fears.

Upon death few of us will have so many mourners, nonetheless PJ’s wake and funeral prove that we can still face death together with grace. I didn’t know PJ personally; I knew of him. He was an ordinary person who did extraordinary things, clearly a bright light. The world has lost a genuinely good man. Even in death PJ continues teaching the ways of truth, compassion, and generosity. The invocation “rest in peace” seems inappropriate for PJ, a man for whom life was so filled with energy and activity. I cannot imagine such a powerhouse resting. So, I simply say, “Thank You PJ… Carry on…”

Lost in the Loss

Thu, 18 May 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Lost in the Loss

John lost his mother when he was seven in a tragic and unusual way. He was put on a ship as a stow-away to a foreign country. Arriving gravely ill, in a land he didn’t know, he was unable to speak, walk, or eat. Alone, frightened and in deep grief, his journey with loss began what would become years of feeling lost. He would never again find the way home to feeling loved.

Lisa was sixteen when the aunt who cared for her died unexpectedly. She felt lost and alone, and never received help to grieve her loss. The subsequent deaths of three other people in her life drove her so far into the dark that she succeeded in alienating anyone who tried to love her. Moreover, her feelings of being misplaced, adrift and unwanted led her to repeated experiences of lawlessness. She is now so lost in her loss that she views herself as a “bad” person, not a grieving one.

James was just ten when his mother died and very soon thereafter the grandmother whom he adored followed in death. Living at a time when children’s grief was neither recognized nor understood, he grew to adulthood unaware that many of his thoughts, actions and choices were shaped by his losses.

Unfortunately, these cases of complicated, unresolved grief are not unusual. These are true accounts of people living in a culture that does not readily acknowledge the necessity to grieve. Each of these narratives show how easily people lose their way, getting lost in the loss. By the time they figure out that it is loss that continues to break their heart, they are well into adulthood and some of the devastating outcomes are irreversible. At one point or another, John and Lisa lost most everyone in their lives that meant anything to them. James delayed marrying the love of his life, unable to recognize his fear of marriage was really a fear of losing yet another person he loved. Years after their initial encounter with death, John, Lisa, and James were still lost in the loss.

Death-loss does feel like being lost, but these feelings should not last forever. Sadly, the deaths that befell these three young people resulted in long-term aimlessness, vulnerability, and a feeling of being displaced. In a previous blog I explored unresolved grief by examining Charles Dicken’s famous character Scrooge. (https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/bah-humbug/) I refer you to that post for a greater look at unresolved grief, however today’s post is focused on the association between loss and feeling lost.

The emotions that accompany death-loss have been described as feelings of defeat, failure, aloneness, and a generalized sense of emptiness sometimes referred to as a hole in the heart. Similarly, synonyms for being lost include being misplaced, missing, absent, disoriented, adrift, confused, and vulnerable. The sensations of loss and being lost are so similar it is hard to distinguish one from the other. When this happens then we are vulnerable to become lost in the loss. This defenselessness opens the door to the type of things that happened to John, Lisa, and James.

Here are some tips that have helped people from becoming lost in the loss.

Allow grief to have its way with you. Allow yourself the gift to grieve a loss openly, freely and without self-incrimination, guilt or judgement.
Do not try to be so brave that you ignore and thus lose your vulnerability. It is normal to feel defenseless when death comes. When we put up a wall of resistance to combat sadness, we simply place it in the background where it awaits the perfect moment to resurface. The adage “what we resist, persists” is true when it comes to grief.
Find a grief partner. The loneliness of grief is normal, failing to address the isolation can rapidly result in being lost in the loss. Having a friend to experience these moments with you is both necessary and precious.
Accept the reality that feelings of being lost are a part of the process. Embracing a frightful emotion is half the battle of dealing with it; ignoring it often gives it more power. Whenever you are feeling loss or lost try responding, “Hello loss/lost. What are you here to show me now?”

Loss and change are two of the most challenging experiences we can have. A death-loss always brings about change, no doubt feeling lost is a natural reaction. May it be that each person who is lost in their loss will one day sing as the great hymn, “I once was lost, but now I’m found.”

_____________________

If you are experiencing the pain of the death-loss of your soulmate, we invite you to register for this Saturday’s special seminar:

When Someone You Expected to Spend the Rest of Your Life with Dies

Introducing Loneliness …

Thu, 04 May 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Introducing Loneliness …

Good Morning,

Permit me to introduce myself. My proper name is loneliness, but people use nicknames for me like aloneness, solitude, or isolation, which make me seem less threatening. Clearly, some people are so afraid of me they will do anything to soften the blow. Just about everyone has met me, especially those who have experienced the death of someone they love. When I am with people who have experienced any kind of loss, whether a job, home, or health, I tend to disrupt everyday life, but when with those who have experienced a death-loss, I am super strong. The curious thing is that my power isn’t usually damaging. For many people, I am a much-needed reminder of deep love, which is very healing.

When I am around grieving people, I notice that for them most everything is out of sync. They crave order, and a return to the world as they remember it before their death-loss. They hunger for the days when they seemed to move about the world easily, without care. This longing brings me closely to their side and I witness the sadness this yearning creates. My instinct is to help them, and so I stay, not to disrupt but to honor all they had. When I am with those who grieve I notice how alone they feel in a crowded room, how they feel there is no end to my presence and how they struggle to fight me off any way they can. Sometimes, they try to get rid of me by filling every empty moment or running away out of fear that I will overtake or annihilate them, leaving them as lifeless as the loved one they miss. In a way they are right in perceiving that there is no cure for the loneliness of death. I will always find them, especially on holidays, significant anniversaries, and birthdays. I will always show up, for I am not really an illness to be cured, I am a memory to be embraced, a precious sign of a relationship lived and loved, a remembrance of the joy life offered.

Because grief can become more intense over time, I hang around for a long time and trying to dispose of me by stepping up your social life or adding new things to your routine, won’t really drive me away, it just puts me in the background instead of the foreground. I will be there when that familiar ache steals your breath, when the sound of your loved one’s voice, their smell, or the telling of a favorite story about them overwhelms your heart. But remember, I am here to give comfort in the reminiscence, to nudge you into it, so that one day you are glad for the memory. I am Loneliness, the gift that reminds you of love, so that quiet joy can temper the pain of loss. I am here to remind you to be present with others and the one you love, those who are on this side of the veil and those beyond it.

I do not want to be your best friend, but truly the more you consort with me, the more you will embrace your need to grieve, and accept the precious gift I offer. It won’t be easy, but I will hold you and bless you with the presence of your beloved deceased one. Nothing can fill the hole they have left in your heart, but I am here to remind you what you had and still have in loving them.

Your friend,

Loneliness

Moving from sympathy to empathy…

Thu, 20 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

Moving from sympathy to empathy…

Most of us are quick to offer sympathy when we learn someone has experienced a death loss. Indeed, in the early hours of a loss, sympathetic acts expressing concern, kindness, and compassion can be a lifeline for the bereaved. Planning for and engaging in rituals such as visitation with the family, funeral services, and mercy meals, offer limitless opportunities to be of help. Acts of sympathy are proportional to the circumstances of the death and one’s relationship to the survivor. I once received a sympathy thank you note from a family that perfectly expresses the range of possible sympathetic kindnesses:

Perhaps you sent a lovely card or sat quietly in a chair.

Perhaps you sent a flower piece, if so, we saw it there.

Perhaps you said the kindest words that any friend could say.

Perhaps you were not there at all, just thought of us that day.

Whatever you did to console our hearts,

We thank you so much ‐ Whatever the part.

As the grief journey advances, disengaging from the immediacy of loss, the needs of the bereaved move from the need for sympathy to the want of empathy. So many people who have experienced the loss of a significant other or a child, have expressed in some way the idea that, “yes people care, but they just don’t really understand.” Sympathy is caring, empathy is understanding.

The difference between sympathy and empathy is in the capacity to truly feel what someone else feels. This could be a role for someone “who has been there,” but preferably someone who has gained something valuable from having been there. Empathy does not necessarily develop simply because we have faced the same experience as someone else, such as in the death of a child. Some individuals have an innate ability to move beyond sympathy to empathize even when they have not experienced a like or similar event, among these are very skilled and caring professionals. When I worked in a nursing home, I witnessed a young doctor consistently offer genuine empathy to her elderly patients. Her perceptive heart and sharp mind didn’t need years of living to understand and feel their struggles. Likewise, I witnessed elder peer caregivers who were sympathetic to old folks, but lack empathy, which required seeing the situation from the point of view of those they were caregiving.

When one is grieving deeply, it helps to have an empathetic companion. Empathy doesn’t offer unasked for advice; it does not pass judgement. Empathy views not from its own perspective, but rather from the mind and heart of the bereft. Empathy suppresses its own emotions, needs or beliefs. Sympathy may cause you to feel bad for someone, but empathy requires honoring their feelings from their perspective. Above all, an empathic friend or soulmate holds a loss with us, making it less weighty.

Empathy frees us to be where we are without fear, without expectation. There are times on the grief journey when we must simply stop for a respite and the empathetic companion honors the pace, helping us to avoid moving too quickly or slowly. In short, one who empathizes is in for the long haul. Sympathy may provide a quick fix, empathy does not. Empathy helps open doors the bereaved may have shut and possibly locked because going through them seems too painful. Empathy returns the broken to their own hearts to find home again.

Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer is my favorite poet of all things grief. In this poem she brings us into the milieu of empathetic grieving.

As You Have Done for Me

If you were here

I would put my hand

on your heart

and hold it there

until our breaths

became a single tide,

hold it there until

I could feel the moment

when you remember

your infinite value.

It’s so easy to forget

we are treasure.

So easy to lose track

of our own immeasurable worth.

The chest rusts shut.

We think we are empty.

Amazing how easily

we are fooled into believing

we’re paupers.

Sometimes it takes another

to remind us

we have always been

not only the treasure

but also the key.

Though the hinges

are a metaphor,

the treasure is not.

We were made to open,

to share our priceless gift,

to press our hands

to each other’s hearts

until we all remember.

by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

ahundredfallingveils.com

There is a time for sympathy and a time for empathy, and every grieving person needs both. There are those whose sympathetic kindness is just enough and there are empathizers whose grasp of us helps us heal. One is not to be favored over the other. At times we are the ones to offer compassion and kindness through sympathy, other times we are the very person from whom empathy must come. Knowing the difference and moving from one to the other is a certain grace…

127 years old and at our best!

Thu, 06 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

127 years old and at our best!

Recently while at a speaking engagement in Holden, I encountered a young woman whose mother died about five years, when she herself was quite young. She remarked, “Miles was so good to us during that really difficult time.” I hear this type of remark a lot, and it’s always so refreshing to encounter people who, having had a positive experience, make our marketing job so easy. Whether a great google review or a live remark such as this, Miles is honored to have won the esteem of so many people in the community. It started me thinking that although the blog has shared 95 posts, we have never introduced ourselves or told our story to blog readers that may not have used our services. Today, I take the opportunity to better acquaint you with us.

Miles Funeral Home was established on Main Street in the Jefferson section of Holden in 1896 by Edwin Miles. After his death, his widow, Delia O’Day Miles, ran the business until their son Adin took it over. Adin Miles and his wife, Dorothy, relocated the funeral home to its present location in the center of Holden. After training for eighteen years with Dorothy Miles, Rick Mansfield and his wife, Bev, purchased the funeral home from her in 1992. In 1997, they opened another facility in Sterling to serve families throughout the Wachusett area, Worcester, and Worcester County. During its 127 years of operation, Miles has continuously been a family owned and operated business. Their son, Ricky, also a funeral director, is now in charge of operations and represents the commitment of Miles to the community.

Miles Funeral Homes offers exceptional, personal service to support people in honoring and celebrating the lives of their loved ones. We offer traditional funerals, cremations and celebrations of life, military funerals, bereavement and after-care support, and pre-planning. With the advent of less traditional funerals came the opportunity to personalize our products and services. Miles excels at creating meaningful experiences designed to address the needs of each grieving family. Newer endeavors in our industry include educating the community, event planning, working in non-traditional locations, and the inclusion of mourners through virtual means.

Whatever service is provided, Miles is committed to helping people create the ideal, personalized tribute for their loved one. We routinely work with other professionals to create and enhance celebrations. We help families collaborate with specialists trained to design meaningful rituals, including presiders, ministers, live musicians, and eulogy writers.

Miles has enjoyed 127 years of continuous service to the community. Over the years the number of staff has increased proportionate to business expansion and need. Miles currently employs 25 people locally. Our investment in our employees, our facilities and our markets have grown Miles Funeral Home to be one of the top funeral homes in Worcester County. We started as a small funeral home in Holden, added a second location in Sterling, and now serve people throughout Worcester County. Forty-five percent of our business is from Worcester.

Miles serves everyone with an open heart, open mind and a helping hand. We are prepared and committed to serving all faiths, cultures, and nationalities. Whether volunteering at our local churches or synagogues, coordinating Veteran’s Services on Memorial Day, co-sponsoring annual charity events, senior events, youth sports teams, or chairing Holden Days, we have a clear and positive impact in our community.

For over 70 years, Miles Funeral Homes has been a member of Selected Independent Funeral Homes, a by-invitation-only international organization of family-owned funeral homes who share a common interest in continuous improvement to best serve families and individuals in their time of need.

Recent Milestones & Awards

We are honored to have won First Place in the Worcester Telegram’s Best of Central Massachusetts-Worcester County Awards for 2020, 2021 and 2022. Thank you for voting for us! To the families who have entrusted us with the care of their loved ones, a special thank you.

During 2019 and 2020 Miles was rated the highest Funeral Home on Google in both Worcester County and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts with 130 “Five Star ratings.”

In 2019 we received The Better Business Bureau Award for Marketplace Excellence, for commitment to Employees.

One reason I am proud to be a member of the Miles family is that as a staff we all understand that those who come in need of our help are usually experiencing the worst day of their life. We consistently remind each other that kindness and generosity are at the foundation of our mission to honor lives and celebrate memories.

The journey you don’t want to take…finding your way and healing your spirit

Thu, 23 Mar 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The journey you don’t want to take…finding your way and healing your spirit

The grief journey is one trip none of us wants to take and all of us must. Loss is a part of everyday life. The loss doesn’t always involve a death, but inevitably it will. Working daily with death, we at Miles Funeral Home endeavor to keep in mind that when people seek our services, they are usually experiencing one of the worst days of their lives. Maybe they have experienced the death of a loved one before, or perhaps it is their first experience losing someone close to them, whichever the case, the death of a loved one leads everyone to the rugged path of mourning a loss.

The grief journey is an emotional one, and can leave people confused, angry, exhausted, fearful, and sometimes very lonely. These common feelings are part of learning to live without our departed beloved. Although these emotions are experienced when other events happen to us, they are especially challenging when they accompany death because death is permanent and cannot be fixed, the hard reality is that we must learn to live with the new normal – life without them.

There is no best way to grieve a loss, and no single approach for coping with the intensity of emotions inherent in grief. There are numerous worthy theories that illustrate how to navigate the grief journey. It isn’t a one size fits all process, and each person must discover what works for them. With a multitude of available resources including support groups, books, videos, and seminars, it can be challenging to figure out where to start or how to remain on the path.

Mile’s offers a seminar series called Sharing Hope: Finding Your Way and Healing Your Spirit. At these seminars we strive to:

Create a safe and peaceful space to feel and understand death loss.
Teach current perspectives, attitudes, and opinions found in grief work.
Present and provide access to healing resources.
Provide a place for grievers to connect with others taking the same journey.

This Saturday, March 25, 2023 at 1:00 p.m. Miles will present the first of its four 2023 seminars. The topic is general death loss and will highlight the common feelings and struggle of grief, with special attention given to the concept of selecting a grief companion for the journey. Each person in attendance will receive a copy of Alan Wolfelt’s book, The Handbook for Companioning the Mourner: Eleven Essential Principles. This book includes an explanation of true empathy, exploring the ways companionship eases grief.

Does grief make us behave as our truest self?

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Does grief make us behave as our truest self?

A few days ago, I read an article written by Mary Forrest Engel in which she described the impossible task of saying good-bye to her six-year-old child’s body. I was deeply touched by something she wrote, something so memorable that I added it to a little notebook of quotes I keep. What makes something quotable is its power to state a truth with elegance, its teachability, and its epigrammatic style. Engel’s words reminded me of the many quotes that have inspired my work as an educator of grief and loss. Here are few of my favorites, a kaleidoscopic view that begins with Engel’s startling words:

“Grief makes you do some seemingly weird things. Or maybe grief makes us behave in a way that is our truest self…” Mary Forrest Engel

Mary’s statement normalizes grief. The supposition that grief makes us behave as our truest self is profound. Unquestionably when we have lost something we held so dear, the only thing we can do is just be ourselves. Often there isn’t the energy or the will to do anything else. Perhaps with defenses down, we rightfully reveal who and what we are – nothing less, nothing more. Loss humbles us like nothing else.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” C.S Lewis

This is my all-time favorite quote about grief. It is the opening line in C.S. Lewis’ primer on loss in which he meticulously describes the pain of losing his soulmate. As a minister who has accompanied many people during the first days of grief, I bear witness to the tremendous fear people experience. Death has rocked their world, stunned their hearts and left them dazed. Most people express this reality as fear. Lewis’ book also offers a theological reflection of loss from the Christian perspective. In this regard, I think he has tapped into the utter truth that fear, not hatred, is the opposite of love.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” Earl Grollman

I like Grollman’s declaration about the necessity to mourn because so often grief is considered a disorder, disease, or problem in need of recovery. Complicated, unresolved grief can intensify psychological disorders that pre-exist a loss, and the shock of grief can unsettle a soul, but healthy grieving is never a sign of weakness or a disorder. Mourning is the healthiest, most natural response to loss.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” Washington Irving

YES! Tears tell their own story, and we need to become skilled at listening to the tears of those who mourn. As messengers of unspeakable love, a person’s tears draw us into the depths of their heart – a mysterious, awe-filled place. To share a person’s tears is to walk on sacred ground, a holy privilege.

“There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud and to know that the words have been heard.” Victoria Alexander

This is a favorite of mine, not only because of its truth, but because it offers the best strategy for moving forward when we are lost. Every loss whether a job, health, a home or a person we loved deeply, leaves us in unknown territory. The path to finding home again is in discovering the truth of the moment, naming that truth, and allowing others to bring us back to our source.

Take some time with these or some of your own favorite quotes, allowing them to germinate in your mind and heart. Use the comment section below to share your favorite quote about grief, so that other readers can add it to their favorites.

Winnie The Pooh

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Companions for the Journey

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Companions for the Journey

Recently, when I retrieved my daily mail out of its box, I was delighted to see a letter from a dear friend. She was first a friend of my brother Paul who passed away in 1969, and though it has been fifty-three years since he died, she has never forgotten him or us. Receiving her letter reminded me how important it is to have companions for the grief journey, how their presence, memories and acts of kindness heal us in a way nothing else can.

Her note lovingly said: “I am doing what many people my age do, and that is to sort through many of my treasures and pass them along to those I care about. Tucked in a book were these two memories from Paul. The poem written on the Vietnam paper is so meaningful and in his own handwriting! Wonder what he would think today to know how much we treasure them!?”

In the envelope were poem-verse-reflections he had sent to her, depicting his reality as a Marine in Vietnam. One dated about eight months before his death, was a short verse typed on a piece of a magazine cut out. The other, written on military stationery with a map of Cambodia and Hanoi etched in the background was a poem describing a beautiful moment in time, amidst a place of hell. True treasures.

This friend of my brother is a faithful companion on our family’s grief journey, and she has never failed to do the kind, compassionate thing to help us heal, most especially– remembering him. My brother always bought my mother a flower for Christmas, and his beautiful forever friend, kept up the tradition of sending my mother flowers for Christmas over these many years.

The grieving heart wants to know their loved one is still cherished and remembered by others. It makes such a difference when someone says their name, recalls a birthday, or shares a story bringing them into our presence. To have another person share any part of them with us, reminds us that they lived and were loved. This is why so many people relish the stories shared at a funeral. For me, the letter and treasures sent by my brother’s dear friend remind me of the depth of his relationships with others, and it comforts me to know he had such a beautiful person in his life who cared so deeply for him.

We will deeply grieve those we most love who have passed on, but hopefully we will never be alone in our loss. Receiving this letter reminded me of the importance of reaching out to those I know who are walking the tough path of loss. May you and I not be afraid to companion those who grieve, may we be like my brother’s dearest friend – generous and faithful.

I will be speaking on loss, the emotions of grief and the healing role of companions on the grief journey, March 25th at the Mile’s Sharing Hope Bereavement Seminar. Each person in attendance will receive a copy of Alan Wolfelt’s book, The Handbook for Companioning the Mourner: Eleven Essential Principles. This book includes an explanation of true empathy, exploring the ways companionship eases grief.

“E Pluribus Unum”, “One from Many”

Thu, 09 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

“E Pluribus Unum”, “One from Many”

In 1776 the first seal of the United States was titled, “E Pluribus Unum”, Latin for “One from Many”. It was intended to express the many states becoming one nation. Subsequently, it assumed an additional meaning, from many nations, we become one nation: thus, making diversity one of the most admirable features of America. Amid such multiplicity, we run the risk of imposing a dominant tradition on newcomers, resulting in diminishment or a total loss of their cultural and ethnic heritage. Within funeral care, we are prepared to serve diverse beliefs, such as eastern versus western philosophies, cultural traditions and practices caring for the body, as well as a range of rituals from conservative religious to spiritual secular. The past few blog posts have given a thumbnail sketch of some of the various cultural traditions and beliefs we encounter in funeral care. Today we look at the Asian-American beliefs and practices.

The Asian-American culture includes followers of Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism and Taoism (pronounced dow-ism). Death and after-life practices are built on Eastern thought which views the self as an illusion. Each person is considered interconnected with everything in the universe, an integral part of the collective reality. Conversely, Western thought highlights the person as a unique and unrepeatable individual. The individualism that is fundamental to the Western lifestyle is reflected in the growing trend for more personal funerals. Hence, the belief in reincarnation is common in eastern traditions, but western traditions typically believe in a singular human life. Buddhism and Hinduism embrace that we are all interconnected and are a part of a universal whole. Hindus believe that the Atman, or human soul is a part of Brahman, the soul of God. Reincarnation and attainment of nirvana are achieved through many lifetimes and positive karma.

Some common practices among the Asian-American community include:

A family gathering at the funeral home to make arrangements, with the family elders assuming ultimate responsibility for the ceremony.
There is profound respect for the body. Warm clothes may be used for burial and watertight caskets are used to keep the elements out.
Stoic attitudes are common, and depression may result from the internalization of grief.
An open casket allows for respect to elders. Often poems in calligraphy are left for the deceased. Among Chinese Americans, a cooked chicken may be placed by the casket as a last meal for the deceased and spirits. The chicken will be buried with the body.
Music is often used. A band may wait outside the funeral home and go with the procession to the cemetery.
The funeral route, burial location, and the choice of the monument are important. Incense may be burned at the grave. Among some populations, sacrifices may be made at the funeral.
A gathering of family and friends for a meal after the funeral shows respect for the spirit of the deceased and gives thanks to those who came to pay their respect.
A picture or plaque is usually kept in the home and displayed with items that create a shrine of the deceased.

Like other cultures, Asian American funeral traditions vary depending on the family’s country of origin, religious beliefs and social status. Funeral practices are also influenced by the amount of time a person has lived in this country and if they have religious, social or cultural involvement. When attending any funeral or supporting a person of another culture through the grief journey, we begin by embracing the uniqueness of their situation. “E Pluribus Unum”, as one we share our humanity, we share the common experience of loss on the human heart; as many, may we embrace ideas and practices that while not our own, honor lives and celebrate memories.

Funeral rituals reaffirm our connectedness

Thu, 26 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Funeral rituals reaffirm our connectedness

I admit to being nearly illiterate about the funeral practices of cultures other than my own, something of which I am not proud. But like most people, I know that learning about other cultures helps me to be a better friend, neighbor, and work partner. It also enriches my perspective and experience of life. With the hope of becoming better prepared to honor the deceased and help their loved ones with meaningful bereavement care, yet understanding the limitations of the blog format for conveying extensive information, this post offers a sincere, albeit incomplete view of some cultural norms of funerals and memorialization practices.

In her primer on funeral care, Funeral Festivals in America Rituals for the Living, Jacqueline Thursby sums up how American funeral care reflects the adaptation of ethnic and cultural practices:

“With changes over time in cultural attitudes and behaviors, familiar traditional customs become intertwined with newly discovered or created practices, and new modes emerge. The American character commonly adapts old ways to new, and the United States, a complex civilization made up of its own Indigenous people and multitudes of cultures from around the world, has reinvented the response to death. Rather than a space of time with emphasis on separation, death and the funerary rituals surrounding it have become a place for renewal and reaffirmed connectedness between family and friends of the deceased.”

Today we consider a few practices in European cultures. European-Americans follow diverse cultural, ethnic, and religious traditions regarding after-life ceremonies and bereavement practices. For most it is still typical to have a visitation and/or viewing at a funeral home followed by a religious and/or graveside service When they hear of a death, people from European descent gather in the home of the decedent or their family members to comfort, support and share their grief. Funeral care is usually under the guidance of a funeral director who assists with preparations for mourning rituals and burial. While in the past funeral homes typically served specific ethnic groups, this has changed and most people seek afterlife care based on additional factors, such as extra-value offerings. For example, no longer is it the norm for people of Irish descent seek out the “Irish funeral home.”

European Americans tend to have passive, orderly, and quiet funerals. Some people still favor wearing darker colored clothing, but this is changing to reflect a more hopeful belief that life for the deceased has changed, not ended. Music, readings and eulogies reflect a hopeful, but restrained demeanor. A meal typically follows the religious rituals, providing the family the comfort of others while celebrating the life of the deceased. Specific cultural practices are added into these general activities, these could include rituals for preparation of the body, burial, cremation, or rituals taking place during the first year after a death.

Eastern Orthodox: “Multiple ceremonies are staggered throughout the initial 40 days following a death. The 3rd, 9th and 40th days are especially important to Eastern European mourners. It is believed that the soul leaves the body on the 3rd day, the spirit leaves the body on the 9th, and the body ceases to exist on the 40th.”(https://www.funerals360.com/blog/funeral-customs-and-traditions/world-funeral-customs-eastern-europe/)

Greek Orthodox: “Almost all Greek funerals are carried out in accordance with the Greek Orthodox Church. Unlike other Orthodox sects, only officiating bishops and priests are allowed to lead the funeral service and read the accompanying religious texts aloud. The Greek Orthodox Church does not allow funerals to be held on Sundays or on Holy Saturday (before Easter). The family or the congregation provides a “Meal of Mercy” following the burial service. And then it is appropriate to briefly visit the bereaved family at home at the end of the day. It is typical for the family to decorate the house with icons of saints, burning incense and a single candle memorializing the deceased. The bereaved family usually stays home from work for one week following a death. The family also traditionally avoids social events and predominately wears all-black for 40 days. A memorial service is held on the Sunday closest to the fortieth day. Another memorial service is held annually on the anniversary of the passing.” (https://www.funerals360.com/blog/funeral-customs-and-traditions/world-funeral-customs-eastern-europe/)

As human beings we share the realities of death, loss, and grief. Understandably because we live in such a diverse nation, we may be unaccustomed to the traditions and practices of another culture, but we also live in a time in which information is readily available and so it is our duty to discover the practices and rituals that comfort the bereaved. At the very least, a call to your trusted funeral director can help you discover how to comfort the bereaved and honor the dead according to their customs and needs. Rich, meaningful death and bereavement practices exist in every culture, and it is certainly possible that a practice from another culture can be healing and helpful to your own grief journey. Along with increasing your capacity for compassion, this is a wonderful reason to explore a wide array of cultural practices. Stay tuned as next week we explore Asian American customs and practices.

“Diversity is a mix and inclusion is making the mix work.”

Andrés Tapia

Funeral Care in a Melting Pot…

Thu, 12 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

Funeral Care in a Melting Pot…

Grief is a highly personal experience shaped by individual and communal effects such as family history, cultural background, social relationships, personal strengths and weaknesses, and religious or spiritual practices. But when it comes to grief, what is deemed perfectly normal and healthy for one individual, may be offensive or confusing to another. In some cultures, stoicism is the modus operandi, in others, grandiose displays of sorrow are expected. Some religious traditions promote rituals focused solely on God and the afterlife; others focus exclusively on the life of the deceased.

The great thing about multi-cultural societies is the diversity of ideas and practices, the challenging thing about multi-cultural societies is the diversity of ideas and practices. Within any society, a sub-population, may appear to be homogeneous, but within that group exists a vast array of ideas and practices. For example, the Hispanic community consists of a wide range of divergent cultural practices expressing Mexican, Cuban, and Puerto Rican traditions. Each culture holds distinctive ideas about death and grieving. Moreover, customs vary from country to country. It is also important to note that a decline in church attendance has affected all cultures, changing the way after-life and funeral care is sought and practiced.

Within the funeral care industry, questions about how to support someone from a different culture have grown so widespread that it is useful to address this topic. The scope of the subject is well beyond a couple of 600-word blog posts. Nonetheless, over the next few posts, I will explore culturally based concepts of death, funerals, and bereavement. Today’s blog considers the African American and Hispanic American cultures. Future blogs will feature European American and Asian American cultures.

The African American Culture

Traditions within the African American culture come from many lands and reflect a variety of religious and ethnic practices. Newly immigrated families bring rich and varied after-life traditions and may seek sole support from their specific community, such as a Liberian Church or Ghanian faith or social community. Many of these communities support the bereaved by supplying rituals, ceremonies and traditions that would be practiced in their homeland.

African Americans are typically connected to Christian denominations, where funeral and after-life care reflects African American values and traditions, especially in the southern United States. During a ceremony just about every mourner wants to stand and give a special tribute about the deceased or sing a solo. This is one of the main functions of the funeral program. Generally African Americans believe that the “living dead”, those who have passed physically, remain alive in the hearts and minds of the living and are present.

Religious traditions are important to the surviving members of the deceased’s community. “African Americans tend towards the practice of holding a wake, which may last as many as one to two days. The wake, held in either the church of the deceased, or the funeral home, is often open casket, and includes visitation with the entire extended family, including children, as well as friends.” ( https://funeralcourse.com/ wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Grief-Course-African.pdf )

Whether through visits to the home of the decedent or survivors, attendance at formal services offered at the family home or a funeral home, the emphasis is on the deceased being reunited with Jesus. The service sometimes called a “Home-Going”, is replete with emotion and is commonly followed by burial and a meal. Cremation is less common in the Black community and mourners are encouraged to dress in white to commemorate the resurrection and the hope of eternal life. Some native Africans will dress in black or red. For More Information: https://www.talkdeath.com/7-elements-of-african-american-mourning-practices-burial-traditions/

The Hispanic Latinx Culture

Like African Americans, Hispanic Latinx American populations have diverse cultural backgrounds including people from the islands of Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic, as well as Spain, Mexico, and Central and South America. In many of these countries death is a part of life and is openly talked about. Women are more likely to express their sorrow outwardly, for men in “macho” cultures it is unacceptable to show grief openly. Most Hispanic populations practice the Roman Catholic faith, but not all. The sacraments of the church and the rosary are important rituals when someone is approaching death. The ritual of the rosary includes candles, prayers, flowers and sharing memories. Survivors pray the rosary for nine nights after the death of their loved one and again on the annual anniversary. The presence of the church in funeral planning is important. Survivors sometimes make promises or commitments to the decedent. These are considered bound by vow and when not kept the person has committed a sin.

Family and friends are encouraged to participate in the funeral celebrations, including traveling in procession to the gravesite following a Mass. Often family and friends give a financial gift to help pay the costs of a funeral. Mexican funeral customs blend Indigenous and Catholic traditions. Día de Los Muertos (The Day of the Dead) is one example, which combines remembrance for dead loved ones with family and community bonding. This tradition is celebrated throughout Latin America and the world. Humorous portrayals of skeletons and death remind the living to make the most of their precious time together. Families build altars, cook and share traditional food to remember loved ones who have died.

Candi K. Cann, Ph.D. teaches death and dying at Baylor University and authored a study, Contemporary Death Practices in the Catholic Latina/o Community . Cann brought her students to a funeral home that serves the Latina/o community, and found most of them were fascinated by the cultural practices, but some students were appalled at practices such as eating at a wake where the tenor was more a party than the solemn wakes they had experienced. Citing that the Hispanic community is the largest minority group in the United States, (approximately 17% of the population) Cann believes that funeral directors need to expand their services. With the Hispanic population due to double by 2050, we would do well to prepare to support those who mourn by learning their cultural practices.

( https://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&story=172674 )

For additional information on Hispanic traditions visit: https://inelda.org/the-hispanic-way-of-death-and-dying/

Learning about other cultures enriches our experience of the world. In addition to being equipped to help someone mourn a loss in ways that are comfortable and meaningful for them, such knowledge may help you to adopt healthy habits, rituals, or practices that augment your own grief journey. Some of the ideas in today’s blog, far from my Irish heritage, I would readily adopt, such as the celebration of the Day of the Dead and an annual recitation of the rosary with flowers, candles, and the sharing of memories. Indeed, one of the greatest things about multi-cultural societies is the diversity of ideas and practices. Embracing other traditions around death, grief, and bereavement better prepares us to comfort each other.

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on.”

Thu, 29 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on.”

Out with the old in with the new! Not so, for the new year is neither a purely new beginning nor the finality of things past, it is more like a moving on.

Two thousand twenty-three will arrive and people the world over will attempt a quick fix for unwanted behaviors, habits and thoughts. More diet pills, self-help books and exercise equipment will be purchased than at any other time of the year, not to mention the overload of google searches looking for information on improving health, emotions, and relationships. Typically, new year resolutions promise a fresh start leading to physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Unfortunately, well-established behaviors are not so easy to fix, and so the truest thing I know about new year resolutions is that change is intimidating, challenging work. Sure, taking off the extra pounds sounds good, but musing over the personal benefits just isn’t enough to conquer the dietary changes. Similarly, even the more pleasurable resolutions, such as the promise to spend more time with those we love, can be challenging. Change requires that we steadily break down worn out habits. It’s not easy when the time comes to do things in a new way. If you are attempting a lifestyle change for 2023, here are some tips:

Change one thing at a time, taking on too much is a sure path to failure.
Be clear about what you want, instead of “I want to lose weight”, consider “I want to lose five pounds in the next three months”.
Having a recurring pep phrase, a positive, short, epigrammatic mantra works well. “I am moving toward a healthier me”. Repeat as often as you need to.
Celebrate the small successes, for these add up to the big ones.

Bereavement work has taught me that one of the most taxing aspects of grief is the change that comes with loss. When someone we love dies, we are in new territory, a world without them affects so much of our daily life. There are constant reminders that things have changed. It is natural to resist moving on without them. If you struggle with change associated with a death loss, keep in mind:

Priorities change when someone we are close to dies. If the person lived in our home, we may be making decisions and taking on tasks that are new to us, this type of change is exhausting and can easily become overwhelming. Say “Yes” to those who offer to share the burden.
Remember that relationships change. Sometimes people who were a part of your everyday life before a loss are no longer there and some who were transient become central to your healing. Family members relate differently when a member of the family has died, some members assume a new role to help accommodate the loss, some become absent to avoid the loss. These changes can be unsettling but are expected.
To a greater or lesser degree there is typically a change in routine when someone passes. Be gentle with yourself as the old way of doing things fades away and new habits settle in. Most grievers report that the smallest change in routine can cause them the greatest distress. In time, with practice, a new routine can become as comfortable as the former one.
Because grief is exhausting, emotional work even a slight change can become monumental. You do not have to do everything; when someone offers to ease the day, whether sharing a cup of tea or doing your grocery shopping, let them. In time, new responsibilities and routines will be established, but until then, if help is offered, graciously accept it, it promotes healing.
Activities and interests may change as you build a new life. Never underestimate the healing power that comes with trying something new or involving yourself with a new group of people.

As we turn the calendar to 2023, some people struggle with lifestyle changes, some are overcome with the changes a death has brought to their life. Befriending change, whether self-directed or from an unexpected tragedy, must become a labor of love. The better part of change is an opportunity, the chance to see the world in a unique way, and to receive unexpected blessings. Instead of lamenting, “I am so glad to be done with 2022”, let us honor the wisdom, love and blessings it gave us and take these into the next step of our journey.

Wishing you peace in all that 2023 brings you.

To the broken hearted….

Sat, 24 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

To the broken hearted….

It’s Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, the grief journey cannot be laid aside because the world is singing joyful songs. Although compassionate friends and family are willing to help the bereaved face the holidays, no amount of kindness can alleviate the aching heart of people who this year lost someone they deeply love. The first Christmas is lonely, the throbbing of loss so acute.

Similarly, death does not wait for holidays to pass and so, sadly, some people will experience bitter losses today and tomorrow, forever changing Christmas. However painful or unexpected, death is a part of life and our work is to embrace it, whether it is ours or it belongs to someone we know.

The best we can do is to try to remain open to the reality that despite our sadness, “joy cometh in the morning”. As the Hebrew Scriptures remind us – “there is a time for everything, a time for weeping and a time for joy.” The scripture never promised these to be mutually exclusive and so perhaps it is best to realize that both joy and sorrow can reside in our heart at the same time. This holiday, we can allow ourselves a little joy despite the pain and if we are blessed to be able to rejoice without sorrow, perhaps we should take the time to reach out to those who cannot.

Meet Presley, my first cousin twice removed. She is seeing her first lighted Christmas tree. When I first saw this picture a day ago, I was smitten, utterly taken by the wonder in her eyes and the perfectly captured reaction of sheer joy. She is my reminder of the delight we should allow ourselves, no matter how deeply we are hurting. She is also a great reminder that just around the corner, the unexpected is waiting to surprise us, to capture our hearts, and fill us with hope. Isn’t that the real Christmas message?

Every great religion and spirituality has stories and traditions surrounding the miracle of new hope when things seem at their darkest. Even now, the earth that seems so cold and barren, is sheltering the seeds of the springtime flowers we will enjoy.

This Christmas let us rejoice, for there is always more to come, new dreams, more hope, more love waiting for us. Let us not make the mistake of failing to embrace both the sorrow and joy of life, not waiting for one while we endure the other. Like the gaze of this little child, let us enjoy the mystery and the miracles.

I wish you peace this day.

Bah Humbug!

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

Bah Humbug!

Before you judge people too harshly for their lack of holiday spirit, consider the original Christmas Curmudgeon, Ebeneezer Scrooge. Not simply the tale of a greedy, cantankerous miser, Charles Dicken’s “A Christmas Carol,” is a primer on unresolved grief.

With a history of painful losses, including mother, father, beloved sister Fan and the love of his life Belle, Scrooge epitomizes a classic case of cumulative grief. Some indicators that he struggled with complicated grief include his numbness and detachment from people and things around him, generalized bitterness, a sense that life is meaningless, a distrust of life and of others (humbug), and the inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with loved ones. Unveiling what grief has stolen from him, three Christmastime Spirits offer him a way forward, exposing his past, present and future, not simply to judge, but to help him restore the joy of life he once knew. Dicken’s story of hope demonstrates that left unattended, grief can transform a happy, kind person into a fearful, controlling one. More importantly, Dicken’s teaches that integrating a loss into our life releases the pain of grief and allows us to heal.

It was grief that changed Scrooge from a serious-minded, happy young man to the village ogre. The armor Scrooge placed around his heart was an ill-fated attempt to protect himself from the pain of multiple losses. Unquestionably, at the core of his rude behavior is a broken heart. Scrooge’s unresolved grief is deadly to his soul, shuts him off from the world, fills his heart with fear, and manifests as ugly, excessive control of everything.

The opening lines of the story remind us that Scrooge’s partner and only friend, Marley, died seven years prior on Christmas Eve. For Scrooge, it was no doubt the straw that broke the camel’s back, sentencing him to a bah humbug approach to life. With an accumulation of devastating and deep losses, it was simpler for Scrooge to become skeptical, believing that life is not to be trusted, that Christmas, like other joys, is a sham.

Marley’s reappearance at Christmastime is a grace offered for healing – one thankfully, that Scrooge accepted. Marley, a figure of eternal agony, is symbolic of light that can be found even in grief’s darkness. Three spiritual visitations give Scrooge an opportunity to compassionately re-view his losses and be released from “grief overload.” Each visit helps him to let go of defenses he adopted to protect his heart.

With complicated grief it is crucial to discover how a loss has affected our past and present life. The Spirit of Christmas Past offers Scrooge a chance to revisit the significant losses he suffered as a young person. Encountering both the pain of his losses and the joy of his youth, the Spirit gently guides Scrooge to truth. As his journey to the past concludes, Dicken’s notes an important change in Scrooge:

“He tried to say Humbug! but stopped at the first syllable.”

As is characteristic of complicated grief, the transformation toward healing begins with an insight that almost instantaneously changes the way we see the world. When we embrace the darkness that the shadow of death has left on us, we are prepared to welcome the present. Sadly, for people who suffer from cumulative, complicated, or unresolved grief, this is a formidable and difficult transition.

As the Spirit of Christmas Present arrives, Scrooge greets him:

“Spirit,” said Scrooge submissively, “Conduct me where you will. I went forth last night on compulsion, and I have learned a lesson which is working now. To-night if you aught to teach me, let me profit by it.”

Having compassionately viewed his past, Scrooge is eager for the present, but first the Spirit of Christmas Present exposes the consequences of Scrooge’s unresolved grief. The annual invitation to Christmas dinner from his nephew, and his uncle’s repetitious decline is a sure sign of the unresolved loss of his sister Fan, who at one point in his life was his only hope for resolving the loss of his parents. Dicken’s carefully crafted scenes at the homes of Fred, Scrooge’s nephew and Bob Cratchit his employee, take us deeply into the milieu of a grieving heart that has shut off any possibility of love for fear of losing it. Witnessing his nephew and employee Bob Cratchit’s goodwill for him, despite his atrocious behavior toward them, puts a considerable dent in the armor surrounding Scrooge’s heart.

More significantly, Scrooge makes peace with the losses of his inner child, and is instinctively drawn to Tiny Tim’s suffering:

“Spirit,” said Scrooge, with an interest he had never felt before, “tell me if Tiny Tim will live.”

“I see a vacant seat” replied the ghost, in the poor chimney corner, and a crutch without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, the child will die!”

“No, no,” said Scrooge. “Oh, no, kind Spirit say he will be spared,”

The final Spirit, that of Christmas Yet to Come appears on schedule and offers Scrooge a glance at his eternal future. It surely is not pretty. This horrific vision forces Scrooge to relinquish the grief controlling his heart. Having done the grief work of understanding and embracing his many losses, he surrenders his grief.

When shown an overgrown, neglected grave, Scrooge says,

“Before I draw nearer to that stone to which you point,” said Scrooge, “answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only?”

Still the ghost pointed downward to the grave by which they stood.

“Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead,” said Scrooge. But if the courses be departed from them, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me.”

“Spirit,” he cried, tightly clutching its robe, “Hear me, I am not the man I was, I will not be the man I must have been but for this intercourse. Why show me this if I am past all hope?”

“I will honour Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present and the Future.”

Since 1843 The Christmas Carol has heralded the season’s purpose and meaning, reminding us that the season is a time to open our hearts, increase our giving, share our homes, and above all care for the poor and needy. For those who are grieving this holiday, I invite you to read this story with compassion for your own grief. Here are a few of the lessons I have learned from Scrooge’s grief journey:

Each loss must be healthily integrated into our life
There are always those near who see beyond our behavior into our hearts. These are the companions we need when we are grieving. Some are heavenly spirits who remain close to us; some are physically near–our neighbors, co-workers, or relatives.
There is a significant difference between ghosts that haunt us and spirits that guide us, when grieving we need to appreciate the difference. The past will haunt us in hidden and mysterious ways if we do not embrace it.
Loss is inevitable, healing is a choice ….a critical one.
It is never too late to heal from a loss. Life always calls us to wholeness.

During this holiday time, we wish you moments of calm in the midst of pain.

We wish you the companionship of beloved people in the midst of loneliness.

We wish you healing as you endure these days.

Most of all, we wish you peace.

Miles Funeral Home

This blog entry is dedicated to the funeral directors at Miles Funeral Home who carefully help our families move through the early stages of grief.

Helping the grieving teenager

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

Helping the grieving teenager

November is Children’s Grief Awareness month and I have been encouraging readers to become better prepared to help children manage grief. This week I reflect on the grief of teenagers.

Mark is 15 years old, his father died when he was twelve and Mark appeared to handle his grief quite well. His family spoke openly of the death and although the loss was unexpected, Mark had good emotional support in a warm caring family. It took him more than a year to get adjusted to a new way of life in his family which includes three older siblings, who are supportive and loving toward him. Of late, Mark has displayed behaviors that are troublesome. Always a good student, his grades in school have dropped, he sleeps more than usual, and claims that he has a headache whenever his friends try to get him to go out socially. He is uninterested in family events and his newest mantra is, “Just leave me alone, I’m fine”.

In supporting Mark consider:

Grief has no prescribed timeline
Many adolescent milestones have occurred during the time between Mark’s loss and his current behaviors. New milestones result in re-processing grief, seeing the loss in light of a new awareness. Transitioning from junior high school into high school is only one of the major changes that Mark has experienced, typically an important time for a son and his dad.
The rate of physical development of adolescents is akin to that of an infant up to the age of two. The rapid and constant physical changes that Mark is experiencing demand that he sleep more and that he learn to navigate hormonal and cognitive shifts.
Identifying normal adolescent behavior from a worrisome grief response is vital in helping Mark.

____________________

Sally, who is 17 years old recently lost her best friend in a car accident that involved underage drinking. In addition to her friend who died, three of her other friends were seriously hurt. Sally’s response to the loss is anger, overwhelming sadness and fear. These emotions are manifesting in defiant behavior, endless hours spent alone in her room, and a refusal to talk about the accident. She refuses to go to school because, “it is all the kids talk about and I can’t stand to hear it over and over again.”

In supporting Sally consider:

It is difficult to break through a teen’s belief that they are invincible, when they encounter the fragility of life it is a shock very hard to penetrate. This is the cause of great fear and anxiety.
It is normal for teens to be frustrated over how their peers are acting, especially when it comes to death and loss. Social Media will no doubt both exacerbate and/or help Sally’s fears, anxieties and grief.
Listening to Sally will be more comforting to her, than supplying answers to why this tragedy has occurred or taking the opportunity to warn her of the dangers of impaired
Grief is a teacher and a journey; Sally is at the beginning of what will be a long process of grief. Showing her how to take one step at a time without attempting to process her entire loss prematurely will prevent her from becoming overwhelmed and will help her honor her friend and the lessons learned from her loss.

Troubling behaviors for teens experiencing grief:

Total withdrawal from social activities with family or friends
Repetitive, long-term withdrawal from their environment
Use of alcohol, drugs, or dangerous behaviors to quell uncomfortable feelings or emotions associated with loss
Threatening to harm themselves or another person
Self-destructive behavior
Taking unsafe, dangerous risks
Any of the normal grief reactions that are extreme or of an excessive long duration
Dramatic changes in their personality, reactions or habits that last for a long time.

No matter what the age or the circumstance of death, most teens are resilient and can be safely guided through loss. When there is concern that a teen is in danger physically or emotionally as they navigate a loss, it is up to the adults in their life to get them the help they need. Even if you are unsure whether to intervene with a teen experiencing loss, be sure you know your local resources and do not be afraid to use them. School psychologists, your primary care physician, ministers, and funeral directors, are all good places to start when seeking resources help for grieving teens.

Children’s Grief Awareness Ages 7-12 years old

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

Children’s Grief Awareness Ages 7-12 years old

November is Children’s Grief Awareness month and I encourage readers to become better prepared to help children manage grief. Here I draw on the work of Kelly Baltzell M.A. & Karin Baltzell PhD to explore how children view death, signs they may be struggling with grief, and strategies we can use to help them grieve well. This week I reflect on the grief of children over the age of seven.

Bruce is Sam’s best friend; they are eight years old. Sam’s mother had been sick for some time and recently died at home. Sam spent a lot of time at Bruce’s house over the past few months. Although the adults around them included the boys in the death, making books available, talking openly about death and involving them in the services, both Bruce and Sam have become introverted and unwilling to talk about it. The adults in their lives are worried about them.

Children of Bruce and Sam’s age understand that death is final, but believe death happens only to old people. The death of a younger person or unexpected loss of life will generate lots of questions. For children of seven and eight, death poses the dilemma that things are not permanent and that we cannot control some changes. It should not trouble us that we do not have answers for them about the mysteries of life. Allowing children of this age to investigate ideas around death is important to their peace and their growth. Do not fear their many questions as they investigate ideas of death.

Becoming clingy may be a sign children fear losing you, developing hypochondria may signal they are afraid they will die, or sudden aggressiveness may be their anger that their loved one left or that their world has changed. Talking about death openly is important, sharing your feelings about a death is healthy, using words that reflect the true nature of death (no baby talk) is vital. Bruce and Sam need healthy, honest conversation and reassurance that thinking about death is acceptable and their curiosity is appropriate.

Jane is twelve years old and in the sixth grade. Her beloved school teacher passed away in an accident while they were on school vacation. The new teacher has read Jane’s class several stories about grief and loss and is patient and kind with their questions. She is well-equipped to discuss grief and loss with the students. Although each student’s family explains the sudden loss of life within their own values and history, the class has shared a common loss and their teacher is committed to addressing their loss in a healthy way.

Children over the age of nine are well aware that death is a natural part of life. Jane and her classmates understand that death is final, realizing that we do not control when or how life ends. Accustomed to accommodating adults and able to understand the reasoning behind adult actions, Jane and her classmates can be guided through their loss with open conversation that includes sharing their own emotions, ideas, and thoughts on concepts such as the afterlife, fear of death, and the anxieties of loss. Since pre-adolescence is a time to test the waters, it is important to realize that kids this age often express ideas or thoughts that they are “testing” rather than “believing.” Be patient as they “try on” different theories, emotions, behaviors and beliefs in establishing what is true for them. Be on the lookout for reactions of shock, anxiety, denial, fear, anger or depression which are all natural reactions that could get out of control.

No matter what the age or the circumstance of death, most children are resilient and can be safely guided through loss. When there is concern that a child of any age or circumstance is in danger physically or emotionally as they navigate a loss, it is up to the adults in their life to get them the help they need. Know your local resources and do not be afraid to use them. School psychologists, your primary care physician, ministers, and funeral directors, are all good people to contact when looking for local resources for grieving children.

For educating yourself about children’s grief I recommend:

Healing a Child’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers Paperback – April 1, 2001, by Alan Wolfelt
12 Simple Tips and Tools to Help Your Grieving Child: What I Wish I Had Known When My Son Died (Kid Talk Grief) Paperback – April 7, 2021, by Mel Erickson
The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide Paperback – July 1, 1992, by Helen Fitzgerald

Children’s Grief Awareness Ages 1-6 years old

Thu, 03 Nov 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Children’s Grief Awareness Ages 1-6 years old

November is Children’s Grief Awareness month and I wholeheartedly encourage readers to become better prepared to help children manage grief. Here I draw on the work of Kelly Baltzell M.A. & Karin Baltzell PhD to explore how children view death, signs they may be struggling with grief, and strategies we can use to help them grieve well. This week I consider children under the age of six; in my next blog I will examine children over the age of seven.

Annie is 2 and a half years old, her mother passed away suddenly, throwing her family into chaos. Her dad and extended family focused all their attention on Annie’s older sibling who is nine. They missed the signs that Annie was grieving deeply, assuming she was too young to know what was happening. In addition to crying every morning and night, Annie began eating less, screaming more and isolating herself whenever she could. She was working hard to express to her family how she felt about the change she was experiencing, the loss of her mother.

It is so easy to overlook the youngest grievers among us. Very young children under the age of three experience loss, separation and abandonment, but do not have the language or capacity to talk about what they feel, so we must become attuned to their reaction to death or loss through their behavior. In the face of grief and loss, children under three may become quiet, unresponsive, sluggish or show changes in their sleep patterns. They may become aggressive, irritable and unable to conform to expected behaviors. We can best help them by keeping to their established schedule, being regular with feedings, naps, bedtime, and play time. Little children are sensitive to changes in their environment and feel safer when their routine is kept. Reassurance through touch, talk and being truly “present” to them will help them feel secure. They may not know what death is or what the long-range consequences are, but they are aware when something has changed and they can easily absorb the anxiety of the people around them. It is no wonder that Annie’s family missed her grief reaction. Most people consider grief “an adult thing”, certainly not something a toddler experiences. Because children cannot understand death doesn’t mean they are unaffected. Without the words to express themselves, when confused or grieving little children use their feelings, body and behavior to communicate their grief.

Ben was nearing his fifth birthday when his grandfather, his daytime caregiver since birth, became ill and died within a matter of months. His parents read him a wonderful story to explain that gramps had gone to heaven to live with God and would be watching over him all the time. Ben went to the funeral where wonderful stories were told and he saw many pictures, including pictures of him with his grandfather. He was involved in the service taking everything in. Three months after his grandfather’s death, Ben refused to go to church, wouldn’t go to bed on time and had a nasty disagreement with a playmate. When his parents asked him why he was so out of sorts these days, he refused to talk at length about it, giving a confusing excuse for each of his belligerent behaviors.

The child between the ages of three and six has a world view formed by magical thinking, black and white conclusions, and the ego-centric belief that they cause things to happen. Unschooled in the ways of permanency, they consider things of the world reversable. Viewing things as temporary coupled with not having developed an accurate sense of time, the child in this stage does not always understand death is permanent. It is common for them to believe they may have caused the death of a loved one. Some believe their loved one will magically reappear someday. These are common ideas children often have, but do not always voice.

It is possible that during the intervening months between the death of Ben’s grandfather and his new anti-social behaviors, he was awaiting his grandfather’s return, maybe even thinking that if he was “good enough” gramps would come back. In utter frustration and confusion over the long-term absence of gramps, Ben may be expressing his loss for the first time. His behaviors could be signaling confusion or loneliness not belligerence. Because it is easier for adults to manage grief, they can readily miss signs that children are struggling with grief.

We can best help children of this age by carefully watching for nightmares, changes in their actions, thinking, eating, sleeping, bowel or bladder changes or behaviors that regress them to an earlier developmental stage. While children may appear unaffected by a death, their behavior could be signaling confusion about it.

We can support Ben by talking about death with him in story form, insuring him that he didn’t cause the death to happen, and that being “good” or “bad” isn’t going to bring a loved one back to life. Children Ben’s age may or may not be willing to talk about death, it is best to take their lead. There are so many wonderful story books that help caregivers and teachers approach the subject of death; the best time to introduce the idea may be at the death of someone they didn’t know personally, such as a public figure, or a neighbor, or well-known person in the community. When a child is actively grieving the loss of someone they loved, they should always be given the opportunity to talk about it.

Ordinarily children are resilient, curious, and take in only what they are ready for. We can best help them by taking their lead and having a good understanding of the age-appropriate reactions to grief. As always, we should not be afraid to seek professional help when their reactions are severe or cause harm to themselves or another person.

… Looking for a way to begin grief education with your child? Look no more, read today’s blog.

Thu, 20 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

… Looking for a way to begin grief education with your child? Look no more, read today’s blog.

November is Children’s Grief Awareness Month, and since most of us are connected to children through family, neighborhood or profession, I hope you take time this month to learn more about children’s grief. Whether children experience the death of a person, loss of family through divorce, the loss of a school friend, their health, or a beloved pet, children grieve as deeply as adults do. Their grief is complicated by a lack of worldly experience, so it falls to us to help them grieve well. Children’s Grief Awareness Month is a good time to sharpen our skills, gain new perspectives and help children learn about and manage loss.

Established by Highmark Caring Place in 2008, the international observance of Children’s Grief Awareness Day is observed on the third Thursday in November, the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Children’s Grief Awareness Day seeks to bring attention to the fact that often support can make all the difference in the life of a grieving child. It provides an opportunity for all of us to raise awareness of the painful impact that the death of a loved one has in the life of a child, an opportunity to make sure that these children receive the support they need. In 2022, Children’s Grief Awareness Day is Thursday, November 17.

https://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/cp2/aboutus/cgad.shtml#:~:text=An%20international%20observance%20created%20in,the%20U.S.%20holiday%20of%20Thanksgiving ).

A SPECIAL EVENT …

Goodnight Star, Whoever You Are is the delightful story of a boy who notices a star following him and begins a conversation with his mom as they ride in the car. Mom takes the opportunity to have a chat about those who have passed away and now watch over him. The book is short, beautifully illustrated, and includes a page for child readers to record the names and/or memories of those who have died and now watch over them.

Hope Lives Here , a local organization in Holden that supports grieving individuals was begun by Patty Inward following the death of her son. Their mission is to offer a place of comfort that connects people struggling with loss. Mile’s Funeral Home has forged a collaboration with them and is participating in their special event to commemorate Children’s Grief Awareness Month. This family friendly event is November 3rd at Tahanto Regional High School and includes a live reading of Goodnight Star, Whoever You Are, by author Jody Meltzer, a book signing, a craft activity for children and a Q & A panel for adults.

If you have been looking for a way to begin the conversation with your child about death and loss, this event is for you and them! After the book reading, the children will enjoy a craft activity with the illustrator of the book, Jody King Camarra, and Boylston art teacher Lauren Kuppens. I will be participating in the Q&A for adults with author Jody Meltzer, and Licensed School Psychologist, Robin Milaszewski.

The event is free! Register here: https://www.hlhgrief.org

Children are children first. They receive information in small doses, creating a concrete picture in their minds as they hear things. Their outward signs of grief are very different than adults. If your child is grieving a loss, there are many resources to help. Feel free to contact me at for more information at Pam@milesfuneralhome.com .

Event Poster (click below)

A Night With Author JM

“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”

Thu, 06 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”

Searching for the perfect jewelry as I prepared for an evening gala, I visited my mother’s jewelry box. Sorting through an assortment of pins, earrings, bracelets and necklaces, I found the perfect pair of earrings. As I polished them, I was transported back to Christmas 1962 when mom received these elegant earrings from my dad. On the precipice of my teen years, I had just opened my gift from dad, my first piece of jewelry. Still excited about my shiny new watch, I remember mom opening the tiny box that held the earrings that I selected to decorate tonight’s outfit.

Memories are a powerful and rich gift of the mind and the heart. Though the function of memory is to collect, store and recall information, when grieving the loss of a loved one, memory involves more than simply retrieving an event. Without expounding on the science of emotional memory, it is reasonable to conclude that the emotive content of memories can comfort and heal us. At its best, a grieving heart merges recall, loss and the pleasantness of our loved one’s presence. As I put mom’s 60-year-old earrings on I didn’t simply remember that night, I re-experienced the joy of Christmas and my dad’s deep love for my mother. Even though memories can be bittersweet reminiscence is more than sentimental, it is therapeutic. I stayed a few minutes with the memory of that Christmas evening and experienced what clinicians call “emotional memory.”

“Emotional memory is shorthand for denoting the memory of experiences that evoked an emotional reaction. It is most commonly used to refer to the ability to consciously remember aspects of those experiences; in other words, the term is used to describe the effects of emotion on episodic memory.” ( https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-1-4419-1428-6_1008 )

Some grieving people say that they don’t like to remember their deceased loved ones, because “it makes me sad.” Indeed, remembering brings on more than the details of an event, it reignites feelings and reactions, whether good or not so good, that are imprinted on our hearts, rekindling the emotional aspects of a past event. But herein is the opportunity for new insights and healing.

Not all of my family Christmases were idyllic, in fact, far from it, but holding these earrings and the memory of that night for a short time, reminded me of times that were good; of parents that loved each other deeply, of a dad that was aware his daughter was coming of age. Each of these ideas prompted yet another healing, hopeful emotion. For these few moments, I was both a delighted teen and an adult grasping the preciousness of my early life and the love of family. More than a simple bejeweled adornment the earrings now offered healing.

The gala was wonderful and my Christmas memory made all the more sweet when someone said, “I love your earrings, they are perfect with your outfit.”

Pediatric Cancer Awareness

Thu, 22 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Pediatric Cancer Awareness

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. It is a time to remember, to honor and to help families and organizations affected by pediatric cancer. Miles Funeral Home has helped too many families mourn the loss of a child from this horrific disease. To each of them we continue to offer our love, support and condolence. We take this opportunity to honor those who have overcome childhood cancer, those who suffer still, and the many people and organizations working to alleviate the pain and eradicate the disease.

In January of this year the American Cancer society updated its statistics on childhood cancer:

About 10,470 children in the United States under the age of 15 will be diagnosed with cancer in 2022. Childhood cancer rates have been rising slightly for the past few decades.
Because of major treatment advances in recent decades, 85% of children with cancer now survive 5 years or more.
After accidents, cancer is the second leading cause of death in children ages 1 to 14. About 1,050 children under the age of 15 are expected to die from cancer in 2022.

Miles has worked closely with two wonderful local organizations that support families with children suffering from cancer.

Sherry’s House https://whyme.org/sherrys-house/ \

Located in Tatnuck Square in Worcester, Sherry’s House provides no-cost lodging to families while their child in on active treatment in a New England area hospital. As a temporary home-away-from-home, Sherry’s House offers a comforting environment for our families. The warmth and camaraderie of Sherry’s house stand in sharp contrast to the isolation of a hotel room during what could become weeks and months of treatment.

Notre Dame Pediatric Palliative Care https://www.notredamehealthcare.org/our-services/adult-pediatric-perinatal-palliative-care/

Notre Dame’s inclusive program provides “comprehensive, compassionate palliative care including pediatric and perinatal care.” Pediatric palliative care and hospice care includes child and family activities, support, and spiritual care.

National organizations devoted to supporting children and families with pediatric cancer include:

American Childhood Cancer Organization is an organization designed to educate and support children with cancer and their families.
CureSearch for Children’s Cancer funds and supports children’s cancer research and provides information and resources to anyone affected by children’s cancer.
Make-A-Wish Foundation grants wishes to children with life-threatening medical conditions.
The National Children’s Cancer Society (NCCS) provides emotional, financial, and educational support to children with cancer, their families, and survivors.

Gold is the ribbon colored that designates childhood cancer. Miles Funeral Home encourages you to “go gold” in any way you can this month. Perhaps you know a local family who needs a meal, perhaps you will donate Halloween candy to one of the local organizations serving families, or you might add a family experiencing pediatric cancer to your Thanksgiving, Hanukkah or Christmas gift giving list. A donation of time, money, or prayers to a family or organization serving children with cancer will be received with tremendous gratitude.

To all those children who have won your victory over this disease we applaud your success, to those still struggling, we are cheering you on.

Healing Grief with the Five Senses ….

Thu, 08 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Healing Grief with the Five Senses ….

Humans are resilient beings, equipped with amazing natural abilities to help with the grief journey. Among them, the five senses, which provide a gateway to the world and inform our thoughts, feelings, and physical well-being. Our capacity to smell, taste, see, hear, and touch can warn us, teach us, and lead us to a place of restoration. So when it comes to grief, the senses can be an extraordinary means of comfort

We can be blind to things around us or we can open our eyes wide to what is before us. Some of the healing moments involving sight include gazing at the photo of our deceased loved one, watching a good movie that distracts anxiety or fear, or reading a useful book that informs us about grief. Picture boards and memorial videos are commonly used at funerals, many grieving people report that watching the video has given them comfort for months after the funeral. Seeing images of a beloved deceased makes them present and real in a particular way.

Touch is healing, because the connection in human touch helps us realize we are not alone, it is heartening to feel the energy of someone near to us. Walking hand in hand with a child is a beautiful way to experience the power of touch. A sincere, strong hug from someone who genuinely loves us is worth many a sedative. Let touch give you peace as you grieve.

Taste and smell operate similarly, balancing us with the familiar. There is nothing as comforting as a perfectly brewed cup of tea, a dish of ice cream, or the proverbial bowl of chicken soup. Walking into a room sweetened with flowers or the aroma of a good meal, or even catching the smell of a candle that recalls the comfort of church or a romantic evening – these provide the solace of the familiar. Because grief so often makes us feel off-balance, simple smells and tastes can lead us back into normalcy.

Hearing is the sense for which we must exercise perfect choice, there is so much noise around that adds to the chaos a grieving heart. Choose wisely, selective hearing during grief is essential. Choose the sound of a friend’s voice, the silence of your own heart, a babbling brook or wind through the trees to lift the dark grey days when you are sad. The words I love you and you are not alone need to be heard often when we are grieving, so surround yourself with people who use these liberally.

Miles invites you to exercise the power of hearing at a special seminar, Exploring the Power of Music in Healing Grief, Saturday, September 17th when we will take advantage of the gift of hearing to explore grief. Music is a universal language with the capacity to help us cope with loss, acting as a container for our grief, and helping us express painful or confusing emotions. Whether traditional or contemporary, spiritual or secular, music conveys psychological, emotional and spiritual tenets that illuminate the qualities, cycles, and characteristics of grief and loss. The seminar will explore lyrics, melody, and composition to explore the landscape of grief. Pre-registration is required, to join us use this link:

Be gentle with yourself….

Thu, 25 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Be gentle with yourself….

“Grief is hard work, so be gentle with yourself. “ If I had a dime for every time I have said this to a bereaved person, I would never have to play the lottery. People I have helped through the early days of grief often tell me how useful this advice was. But finding myself in the midst of personal loss, I realize it is easier said than done. Being gentle with yourself is one of the tougher tasks of griefwork.

Grief is a powerful experience with complicated and often conflicting feelings. Added to the powerful pull of emotions is the change in schedule that results in long days, unexpected waves of sadness, and insomnia. Grief can be especially harsh on an aging body which is optimized by routine. Just when we need additional self-care, it becomes a challenge to eat well, keep a normal schedule, get regular sleep, or rest between physically exhausting tasks. Being gentle with yourself requires listening to your body and caring well for it.

Guilt is common during grief, even when there is nothing to be guilty about. Most of us want to know that we have done the best for those we love while they were alive, and it is natural to second guess how well we treated them, sometimes chastising ourselves when there is nothing to be guilty about. Let’s not forget how much our beloved deceased ones loved us and how human they were. Making a saint of the deceased adds to false guilt and doesn’t honor them for who they were. A wise man once taught me that there is false guilt and real guilt. He said, “The difference is that false guilt doesn’t go away, real guilt is something easily handled by forgiving yourself and moving on.” Most of us are good people, faults and all, so be gentle with your memories, this can help avoid false and unnecessary guilt.

The heart slows down when it is in pain, often feeling as if life is in slow motion. We cannot move faster than our heart, especially when it is broken. Being gentle with yourself involves acknowledging your pain and pacing it appropriately. Feeling the sorrow of grief is hard, accepting feelings of grief in small doses is being gentle with yourself. Some people move faster than their heart to avoid the discomfort. Others may slow down the grief process because they believe if their grief ends, their loved one is gone, so they become lifelong grievers in a desperate attempt to keep their loved one alive. Being gentle with yourself means avoiding these extremes.

The grief journey is unique for each person and with each loss. But the need to be gentle with yourself is necessary for everyone. When grieving a loss, find yourself a grief partner, perhaps a friend or family member or even a professional grief counselor. This companion will be your “go to person” who willingly chooses to share the depth of your loss. One of the most important duties of your grief partner is to remind you to be gentle with yourself.

“Consistent gentleness is a display of massive inner strength and maturity.”

― Drishti Bablani

“There are some things you have to experience to understand.”

Thu, 11 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

“There are some things you have to experience to understand.”

When it comes to funeral care, I know more than the average person. Yet, when my aunt passed away recently and the responsibility for coordinating her funeral fell to me, I was reminded there are some things you have to experience to appreciate. Each new experience, desirable or not, has something to teach us. In this blog I share how viewing your deceased loved one’s body can be meaningful.

I was fortunate that my aunt pre-planned and pre-paid her funeral, so most of the decisions about her service and burial had been determined. Since she asked me to officiate her funeral, she and I had the opportunity to talk about her philosophy of death and what afterlife care she wanted and expected. Still, carrying out a funeral, like any life celebration such as a baby-welcoming ceremony, wedding, or significant anniversary, involves countless details. In the case of a funeral many of these tasks are time-sensitive and done under the stress of deep emotional sadness. With funerals there are lots of errands, a great deal of paperwork, and copious communication tasks. Moreover, many people report the grief fog that overtakes their brain and the overpowering sadness of active mourning, can make the simplest task challenging.

One decision families face is, “Should I view my loved one’s body?” Serious consideration should be given to this question when there is immediate cremation with no public viewing planned. While I was aware my aunt had chosen direct cremation, she and I never gave thought to whether she opposed a private viewing by family members. Amid making final arrangements, signing the papers for the crematory and the death certificate, and planning for the service, the funeral director asked if I would be viewing her body.

I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to or even if I should, so I sought advice from a funeral director friend. He reported that he always encourages families to view the body, especially in a case like my aunt’s. She died at home unwitnessed, was taken to the hospital where she was pronounced dead, and then transported to the funeral home. No one who provided any of these services knew her personally. One basic reason to view her was to simply make sure the funeral home had the right person before releasing her for cremation. But my friend cited other reasons as well. The opportunity to say a private good-bye is a reason many families choose to view the deceased, especially when the death is unexpected. Often death doesn’t seem real and viewing the body can help us acknowledge the reality and begin the grieving process. Funeral directors I queried, overwhelmingly concurred that it is a more positive experience for families than they anticipated, and that most are glad they chose to view their deceased loved one.

Sometimes doing things we would rather not, opens us in ways we never could never have imagined. I certainly didn’t anticipate what a sacred moment viewing my aunt’s body would be. I was pleasantly surprised that:

….In the midst of the many practical tasks stressing me out, time with her body offered me deep peace. There was meaning in this task, it propelled me straight to the heart of my love for her. Other tasks were about just getting things done, this one involved loving her.

….Humans are both body and being. Though we love people in the body, viewing a body my aunt no longer needed, gave me an appreciation for her being.

….Rather than bringing closure to her life or our relationship, it opened me up. When I saw her, my heart moved to the place I would now know her, a new path opened for us.

….In these few minutes of being with her, I named and embraced my loss, finding calm in the chaos.

I am certainly not suggesting that in every situation, families should view the body of their deceased loved one. There are situations in which it may be impossible or a funeral director will advise against a private or public viewing. In these cases I would always leave it to the director’s discretion. I am recommending that when it involves cremation, there are many good reasons for viewing the body. At the very least this decision needs serious consideration.

In my case, viewing my aunt’s body was a good experience that gave meaning to the mundane duties of funeral preparation. It fortified me for other responsibilities such as creating the memorial video and writing her eulogy. As I viewed my aunt’s body, all the love I ever felt for this woman burst in my heart and I wasn’t sad, I was grateful. I prayed aloud, “Thank you God for all the ways this beautiful woman showed me your goodness.” With profound gratitude in my heart I was ready to face the million more things I needed to get done to make the celebration of her life as beautiful as she was.

Speaking of Death …

Thu, 28 Jul 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Speaking of Death …

Like others, I have been warned against discussing politics and religion. Unfortunately, not speaking about a subject renders one unable to. Our cultural reluctance to discuss religion and politics has produced a generation of people ill-prepared for meaningful conversation about either. Although not a subject matter we are warned about, death is another taboo topic. Unwilling to talk about death, we have become unable to.

When I surveyed people about why they thought we are unwilling to talk openly about death the most popular answer I received was: “We are all going to die, and none of us wants to be reminded of that.” Other responses included:

“it’s unpleasant”
“it makes me feel anxious, fearful”
“talking about death reminds me of sad times”
“I don’t know what comes after this life and I don’t want to sound dumb”
“it’s impolite”

Whatever the reason for our hesitancy to talk openly about death, we have become ill-prepared to face the inevitable, whether it is our own death or that of someone we love.

Some people are trying to change this and they aren’t from the funeral care industry. They are individuals who take part in Death Cafés. Put simply, a death café is a gathering of people to discuss death. It is typically held in a café with coffee and refreshments, there is no structured format or listed topic, it is meant to be a safe, comfortable environment for people to talk about death. It is not a bereavement or support group and the guidelines are clear that it is not an opportunity to promote a specific ideology or product. ( https://deathcafe.com )

The current practice of the Death Café came from Jon Underwood who held the first death café in his London home eleven years ago. Underwood got the idea from Swiss sociologist and anthropologist Dr. Bernard Crettaz, who organized the first café mortel in 2004. Believing that “we have lost control of one of the most significant events we will ever have to face,” Underwood joined forces with his psychotherapist mother, Susan Barsky Reid and launched the Death Café website. From there the movement spread quickly. The Death Cafe website created by Underwood states their purpose: “At a Death Cafe people, often strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death.” Our objective is “to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’”

As of March 2018 over 5,000 death café gatherings had taken place worldwide. Lizzy Miles, a hospice worker in Ohio, held the first USA death café in 2012. In 66 countries, facilitators have provided a safe, positive environment for average people to discuss their ideas, thoughts, dreams, and fears of death and dying. Without leading attendees to “any conclusion, product, or course of action,” conversations focus only on the topics related to death and dying that participants choose. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Cafe )

As a lifelong educator I realize open conversation gives learners the opportunity to consider a myriad ways of viewing a topic. I fully support taking death talk out of the closet and helping people develop competence in speaking of death and dying. I am not promoting the Death Café as the favored method for doing this but I applaud their efforts and hope we see similar attempts to support people in becoming competent in speaking of death.

For more information about Death Café visit: https://deathcafe.com/

The Changing Face of Funerals

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Changing Face of Funerals

“As you participate, you remember. As you remember, you grieve. As you grieve, you love.”

Recently I attended the funeral of a 90-year-old family member. With the exception of the wake immediately preceding the funeral and burial, it was structured exactly as our family funerals when I was a child. We gathered at the funeral home where family and friends came to offer condolences, we traveled in procession to the church for a formal religious ceremony and again in procession to the cemetery for prayers and burial. Then we gathered for a meal at a local restaurant. Two days later, on a Sunday morning, I presided at an outdoor funeral surrounded by the beauty of the mountains. Designed with the family, the celebration included prayers, music, readings and a eulogy, followed by a meal.

While funeral rituals have changed, the purpose of a funeral has not. Funerals remember, honor and celebrate the life of the deceased and comfort the bereaved. While the format or setting may be vastly different, a meaningful ritual honors a life and offers communal and personal healing.

Four years ago AARP ran an article that began this way: “Traditional funerals are on their death bed. More people are skipping the two days of visitation, religious service and burial of an embalmed body in a casket that can cost as much as a used car, and instead opting for funerals that are easier on the planet and the budget. They’re going for more personal rituals, too, that break the rigid customs that became the norm in the 20th century.” ( https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/funeral-ceremony-trends-fd.html )

Traditions wax and wane as practices adapt to meet cultural change, scientific knowledge, or personal need. Perhaps, the greatest change in funeral preparation is that many people, principally those without a religious affiliation, now have the responsibility for designing the ritual that will celebrate the life of their deceased loved one. In many cases, what has previously been the work of the minister and funeral director is by choice assumed by the family. That families are taking a more active role is wonderful. It helps professionals better meet a family’s need and according to research is beneficial to the grief process. In the best circumstances professionals and bereaved families work collaboratively to create a meaningful, healing experience.

In her book Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life & Mourning Death , Unitarian Universalist minister Sarah York speaks to people who do not want a religious or spiritual context for ritual as well as those who do. When it comes to why families should participate in planning a meaningful ritual for their deceased loved one, Sarah puts it perfectly: “As they participate, they remember. as they remember, they grieve. As they grieve, they love.” She also speculates on a growing trend to forego funeral services:

“I believe that most people who choose to avoid ritual, however, do so for one of two reasons. Either they do not want to deal with the emotions that are evoked by death, or they cannot conceive of a ritual apart from a traditional religious context that is not relevant for them.”

Research from Covid practices shows that people’s ability to participate in creating ritual for their loved one had the greatest impact on their grief journey. Many mental health professionals are now reporting an increased number of clients experiencing delayed or unresolved grief because Covid restrictions prevented a formal funeral. The value of community support and the practice of formally honoring a life that intimately affected us is clear. The challenge is in planning rich and meaningful ritual.

Funeral home professionals have a plethora of ideas and resources to help families create meaningful experiences. Before we throw out the baby and the bath water, we should pause to consider the positive effects of ritual and as we make a cultural change in the way we approach funerals, we should preserve the two-fold practice of honoring the dead and comforting the bereaved.

How do you go on without your departed loved one?

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 04:00:00 GMT

How do you go on without your departed loved one?

The answer is… you don’t. In my last blog I wrote about the Continuing Bonds Theory (CBT). “CBT promotes healing by acknowledging all that has been and encouraging a continuing relationship with the deceased. This newer theory moves away from 20th century models of grief that encouraged cutting bonds with the deceased, so that the griever can “move on” in life.” This week I asked several people to describe their personal experience of continuing a relationship with their departed loved ones.

The most common response involved fostering a continuing presence at family celebrations. From the simple act of lighting a memorial candle to family storytelling on the birth date of their loved one, most people connect with their dearly departed on special days. Tributes, customs, and recollections tend to occur on major holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving and July 4th. But birthdays are, by far, the most common day people do something to experience the closeness of the deceased. One person reported that their family goes out to dinner on what would have been her husband’s birthday and the conversation is limited to stories about him. A woman with small children, fearing her children will forget the dad they didn’t get a chance to know, has a “birthday” party for him, decorating the house with pictures of him and party decorations. While decorating she tells “daddy stories” and then they have a special “daddy cake.” Having a “daddy cake” more often can be a way to keep him alive for these children.

One woman who lost her husband all too soon has a weekly date night with him. A guy visits the cemetery where he has planted a beautiful small garden for his wife, there he talks to her while tending it. One of my favorites is the teenager who keeps a diary to her mom, telling her everything she “would tell her if she was alive.” I think in the writing this young woman is keeping her mom alive. And one I really like is the woman who told me that she sings a song to her deceased twin sister every morning, never the same song, but always one that signifies something meaningful in their relationship – past or current. Whether silly, serious, or loosely connected to something happening to her, the morning song reminds her that “my sister is still with me every day.”

Whatever one’s belief about the afterlife, the people we have intimately shared life with such as our family of origin, spouses, children or lovers, are individuals who have shaped us into the beings we are, their unique contribution to our personal story is lasting. We know these people so deeply that it is second nature to experience their presence, to evoke what they would say or do in our current circumstance, how they would embrace us when we worry, guide us when we are confused, or rejoice in our happiness.

When I was a young and my mom was expecting her 6th child, we gathered around her bed each night to pray the rosary for a healthy baby. When the COVID 19 outbreak began I started a daily prayer to my parents asking their protection from the perils of the pandemic, in this prayer I named each one of my siblings, their families and those they love. To date, I have not missed a day saying this prayer, summoning their presence and help. This action is a clear example of the continuing bond theory. I have brought my deceased parents into the present in a way that continues the bond we shared.

For the ones who have left this world and those left behind, life has changed, not ended. An important part of grief work is to recognize and keep our eternal connection in a concrete way, realizing that bodies die, but the essence of a person does not. Read more ideas for continuing the bonds here:

https://www.bosplace.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/19BOSP107_Continuing_Bonds_flyer_r1.pdf

The work of grief: staying connected with your deceased loved one.

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The work of grief: staying connected with your deceased loved one.

Grief is hard work. Anyone who has experienced personal loss will tell you so. What people should not tell you is that there is “a best way” to “get through” grief. Grief is not linear, nor does it have stages to complete, or a given timetable. How we manage the shifts in other life changes will influence how we transition with a loved one who has passed.

There are several grief models, each possessing some pearls of wisdom, all attempting to map out the path through loss. Lately, I favor the Continuing Bonds Theory (CBT) which best reflects my beliefs about life after death for both the deceased and the mourner. CBT promotes healing by acknowledging all that has been and encouraging a continuing relationship with the deceased. This newer theory moves away from 20th century models of grief that encouraged cutting bonds with the deceased, so that the griever can “move on” in life.

In 1996, Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman explored the concept of Continuing Bonds Theory in their landmark book, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. This theory brought into question linear models of grief built on tasks such as acceptance, detachment and building a life without the deceased. In fact, some psychologists thought a continued bond with a deceased loved one was pathological. The Continuing Bonds Theory allows grief; it recognizes that both grief and relationship are ongoing. CBT opens the transition to a new relationship, acknowledging that life has changed not ended. In promoting the idea that it is normal to stay connected with our loved ones, this theory validates both the pain of the loss and the hope of presence.

Klass and his associates found that relationships continue to evolve after death and are thus “not static.” In my bereavement work, many people have described ongoing relationships with their deceased loved ones that continue to grow as they age, especially people who have lost parents or siblings at a young age. For those who practice continuing bonds, deceased members of a family have a place at the table, being alive not only in memory, but are integrated into celebrations such as weddings, births and anniversaries. Above all, the Continuing Bonds Theory suggests we do not leave our loved ones behind; we carry them in our lives, throughout our lives.

Discussing death-related topics can be complicated. Sometimes when we encounter a grieving person we are unsure of how to bring the deceased into the conversation, thus most of us have become inept at talking about the deceased. Perhaps if we become more comfortable in these conversations, we can help the bereaved to enjoy the bond they continue to have with their loved one.

If you find yourself talking to your loved one, imaging them in your current reality, imagining what they would say or how they would react, you are not crazy, you are continuing the bond. It might be time to change our thinking about grief from, “I have to get through these stages” to “How can I continue to live with the presence of my loved one near?”

To learn more about Continuing Bonds Theory view a lecture with Dennis Klass. (one hour in length)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yaDmLAoaQA

Do animals grieve?

Thu, 02 Jun 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Do animals grieve?

I recently presided at a graveside service for a baby. It was a heartbreaking loss as it was the couple’s only child. The couple bought their family dog to the service and I came away recognizing that our pets grieve and that they can be an enormous comfort to us in our grief.

As I sat next to the little coffin and read the children’s storybook, Guess How Much I Love You written by Sam McBratney, the family dog came forward, sat at my feet and licked my leg. Licking a person is a dog’s own special brand of love. I was so touched, as I looked into this pup’s eyes, I knew she was grieving and helping us all to do the same.

Stephanie LaFarge, senior director of counseling services for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals says this: “Animals can instinctively recognize death, and there’s strong documentation of wild animals grieving. However, there is no consensus among pet experts on how animals grieve.” “Pets probably know a lot more about death than we think they do,” she says. (Help Your Pet Grieve a Death By Clare Walters May 23, 2022)

New Zealand and Australia surveyed pet owners regarding how their surviving pets reacted to the loss of an animal companion. The research involved 159 dogs and 152 cats. This table reveals some of the study’s more fascinating findings.

Other behavioral changes that were observed included avoidance of regular sleeping locations, aggression toward people and other animals, and changes in elimination behaviors (e.g., litter box use). ( https://www.petmd.com/dog/behavior/5-tips-help-pets-deal-grief )

Whether it is a human or animal loss, LaFarge has advice for helping pets grieve:

Try to keep the pet’s schedule as routine as possible. Many owners want to help their pets grieve, LaFarge says, but most won’t need help.
Give yourself and pets enough time to mourn and develop new routines without your lost loved one.
“It’s normal, and animals will go through it in their own way,” she says, adding that there’s no harm in squeezing in extra time for playing, walking or just relaxing.
“The purpose of grief is to get back psychological energy to move forward. That’ll help you even if it doesn’t help the pet,” she says.

“Pets grieve the loss of a beloved family member in much the same way as we do and have many of the same needs during this difficult time. While it can be difficult to focus on your pet’s grief when you are in mourning yourself, doing so has a way of making everyone feel better in the end.” ( https://www.petmd.com/dog/behavior/5-tips-help-pets-deal-grief )

At the conclusion of the service I asked the parents to stand and receive a blessing as a family with their new guardian angel. The dog who had been quietly sitting with them, followed in suit, standing stately and lovingly to receive her blessing. Not a dry eye around.

The Apprentice…. Congratulations Dalilah

Thu, 19 May 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Apprentice…. Congratulations Dalilah

Training to become a funeral director, like other service industries regulated by state government, requires an apprenticeship. In Massachusetts, The Board of Registration of Embalming and Funeral Directing oversees the registration of funeral professionals and their apprentices and assistants. Currently, Miles Funeral Home is fortunate to have two apprentices working with us to add real life situations to their academic studies, Dalilah-Rain Gilmartin and Phillis LeFave.

Dalilah and Phillis are students at Fine Mortuary College in Norwood, MA where they will complete a two-year college program that leads to an accredited Associate of Applied Science in Funeral Service degree. Their course of study includes a number of sciences including biology, anatomy, biochemistry, pathology, and embalming. The study of social science includes the psychology of grief, ethics and modern topics and issues related to the funeral industry. Business management, marketing, and sanitation and public health courses are also included. As these courses are taken over a two-year period, students simultaneously complete their apprenticeship.

Dalilah and Phillis represent the trend of an increasing number of females entering the industry as funeral directors. According to the New York State Funeral Directors Association, the number of female funeral directors in the United States has jumped in the past 40 years from 5% to 43%, although 2016 U.S. Census Bureau figures showed that 74% of morticians and funeral directors were male. In fact, In 2017, nearly 65 percent of graduates from funeral director programs in the United States were female, according to the American Board of Funeral Service Education. Dalilah and Phillis have plenty of companionship at Fine where the current enrollment is 83% female.

Dalilah’s hard work of full-time academic study plus 12-16 hours a week of apprenticeship. paid off when she recently attended the National Funeral Directors Association’s annual professional women’s conference after winning a David C. Baue Professional Women’s Conference Scholarship administered by the Funeral Service Foundation. The scholarship fully covered her hotel, airfare and cost of the conference. The conference held at the Confidante Hotel in Miami Beach, Florida took place April 29-May 1st. Dalilah competed for the scholarship by submitting a video explaining why she chose the path to funeral directing. At the conference Dalilah enjoyed the company of 120 other women in the industry. She says her favorite topics in the workshops included the importance of pre-planning and why it is more important than ever, as well as presentations on grief healing and trauma, infant loss and how to support families who have lost a child. Congratulations Dalilah!!!

Dalilah will complete her studies December 4th when she begins the next steps to becoming a licensed funeral director which include passing both national and Massachusetts exams, applying for and receiving Massachusetts state licensure, and finally being sworn in by the Massachusetts Board of Registration of Embalming and Funeral Directing. Phillis will follow the subsequent year.

“Everyone wants to be the sun to lighten up someone’s life,
but why not be the moon, to brighten in the darkest hour?” (anonymous)

Should I send flowers?

Thu, 05 May 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Should I send flowers?

With many people opting for charitable donations, the long-held custom of sending flowers when someone dies is declining. Unless a family specifically requests that flowers be omitted, there are some good reasons to keep the tradition of sending flowers.

The three-fold experience of seeing, smelling and experiencing the beauty of flowers offers comfort in a unique way. Flowers lift our spirits; the aroma reminds us of spring and rebirth, and the affection of someone taking time to send flowers. Each of these provide healing salve for the broken heart. Flowers are symbolic, adding beauty, richness and meaning to ritual.

In short here are the best reasons to send flowers at the time of a death, unless, of course, the family specifically requests that flowers be omitted.

Flowers are given on many occasions that celebrate love, as such flowers express affection.
Flowers create an environment of warmth and beauty.
Since flowers are created from seeds regenerated from dead flowers they carry the spiritual message of death and rebirth.
The sweet aroma of flowers reminds us of springtime and new life

At a funeral, an orchid plant symbolizes your everlasting love for the deceased. If you are giving an orchid plant to someone to express your condolences, it is recommended that you choose a white or pink orchid since these symbolize sympathy.

Suggestions of what to do with flowers after the funeral.

Distribute to family members and close friends to take home
Drop them off at the home of family or friends of the deceased unable to attend the funeral
Donate to care facilities such as hospitals, skilled nursing facilities, rehabs, or treatment centers
Allow flowers to die, germinate the seeds and plant at your home or your loved one’s grave.

When considering if you should send flowers to a funeral remember that flowers extend sympathy to the bereaved and respect for the deceased.

Earth Day – April 22, 2022

Fri, 22 Apr 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Earth Day – April 22, 2022

Have you begun your spring and summer gardening? What are you growing this year? Perhaps you are sowing the seeds of heirloom tomatoes or herbs to season your summer recipes or cultivating flower beds to please the eye and fragrance the yard. If so, then on Earth Day you might want to give some thought to soil.

In December of 2014, The American Scientific published an article that predicts the world’s topsoil could be gone in 60 years. This dire news was shared at a United Nations forum marking World Soil Day. Maria-Helena Semedo, the FAO’s deputy director general of natural resources warned that it takes 1,000 years to generate 3 centimeters of topsoil. Further, she made the effects of this degradation clear:

“Soils are the basis of life,” ninety five percent of our food comes from the soil.”
“The causes of soil destruction include chemical-heavy farming techniques, deforestation which increases erosion, and global warming.”

Soils play a key role in absorbing carbon and filtering water, the FAO reported. Soil destruction creates a vicious cycle, in which less carbon is stored, the world gets hotter, and the land is further degraded. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/only-60-years-of-farming-left-if-soil-degradation-continues/#

Maybe you are not a gardener and don’t have a yard or the time to grow food or flowers, but you enjoy watching your children play outdoor sports. “We are losing 30 soccer fields of soil every minute, mostly due to intensive farming,” Volkert Engelsman, an activist with the International Federation of Organic Agriculture Movements told the forum.

Perhaps, like me, you enjoy the magic of a long walk on one of the many beautifully groomed rail trails of Massachusetts. Whatever your connection to nature, Earth Day is a day to remember, honor, and respect our individual and collective relationship to the planet. If you love the land, cherish it a bit more, if you have given too little thought to how much your life depends on the soil, dedicate Earth Day to learning a bit more.

It sounds like Earth Day 2022 in Massachusetts will see 70 degrees and lots of sun, so at the very least, get out and love your mother – Mother Earth.

“A nation that destroys its soils, destroys itself. Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

Companioning the Bereaved

Wed, 06 Apr 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Companioning the Bereaved

When someone experiences a loss, the heart begins to grieve immediately. Still, many times we are not aware that it is grief we are feeling. Grief can mask as anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, generalized anxiety or fear. Since loss is a part of life from the day we are born, we have usually developed strategies, some healthy, some not so healthy, to help cope with loss. These strategies come to the fore when we are grieving. However strong our coping skills we need at least one companion of the soul while on the grief journey. It’s just not a trip you should take alone.

Companions hold us up when we fear we will fall, they listen beyond our words to hear the voice of our heart. Companions let us take our time, stopping from time to time to catch our breath or look back to see from where we have come. Companions challenge us at just the right time, in just the right way, leading us safely into the mysteries we long to solve, but cannot understand. When choosing a companion for your grief journey, make sure love is their motive and openness is your posture.

I recently found a poem that perfectly describes the role of a grief companion. Written by Patricia McKernon Runkle, it will help the one who finds themselves midwifing the grief of someone they love.

When You Meet Someone Deep in Grief

by Patricia McKernon Runkle

Slip off your needs and set them by the door.

Enter barefoot this darkened chapel

hallowed by loss, hallowed by sorrow

Its gray stone walls and floor.

You, congregation of one

Are here to listen, not to sing.

Kneel in the back pew. Make no sound,

let the candles speak.

How beautifully this poem expresses the role of a grief companion. Grief is hard work, companioning someone who grieves can be overwhelming. As with anything significant or meaningful, go gently. With grief, both the bereaved and their companion stand on holy ground, stroking the mysteries of love and hope.

Famed bereavement and loss expert, Dr. Alan Wolfelt speaks beautifully about companioning the broken heart:

Being soulful as it relates to companioning people in grief is, in part, to acknowledge a need for people to have “safe places” to authentically mourn. Then, in order to respond to that need, it is to go within yourself and nurture and develop your soul in ways that give expression to your compassion.

To read more of his work and download a pdf Introduction to Companioning the Bereaved follow this link:

https://www.centerforloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Introduction-to-Companioning-the-Bereaved-by-Dr-Alan-Wolfelt.pdf

For my part, I advise that you choose carefully who will help midwife your grief, for they will be the one to provide gentle guidance, support, and knowledge as you navigate your loss.

Lettering Your Legacy

Thu, 24 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

Lettering Your Legacy

This year one of my favorite Christmas gifts was Letterjoy, a subscription of historical letters that comes weekly through postal mail. These are duplicates of actual letters written to and from people involved in various historical events. At the end of the letter a summary explains the context of the letter, describing the conditions and issues of the day. I treasure people’s stories as the greatest means to knowing them and reflecting on the human story, so as a legacy writer, this was a perfect gift for me. ( https://www.letterjoy.co/ )

Several years ago I participated in The Worcester Women’s Oral History Project. The project records, collects, and shares the personal and historical memories of women throughout the broader Worcester community. Focusing on the four areas that characterized the spirit of the First National Woman’s Rights Convention held in Worcester in 1850: work, education, health, and politics, for each woman interviewed, a summary is written and becomes a legacy piece of the project. A great example of legacy writing, the project offers a birds eye view of the heritage of women in Central Massachusetts. ( https://www.wwohp.org/ )

Legacy writing is storytelling that carries one’s experiences, connections, and values. The simplest and oldest form is a personal diary or journal. The diaries of Henry David Thoreau left a legacy of scientific observation about weather that has proven invaluable. Other famous journals have recorded historical events such as The Diary of Ann Frank. The disturbing autobiography of Elie Wiesel, Night, recounting his days in a concentration camp, has inspired millions of readers on the resilience of the human spirit.

I have written several legacy pieces for celebrations and special occasions. Christmas gifts, welcoming babies, special birthdays and anniversaries are the most common. One of the most loving was a letter written to a daughter from her parents to be read at the rehearsal dinner for her wedding. It narrated the values they had given her, the joy they felt in being her parents and their wishes for her future married life.

There are several legacy pieces associated with funeral care, the obituary being the most common, but letters to one’s heirs left with their preplanning documents is also becoming popular. Celebrating a life and honoring the memory of a person at the time of death involves understanding their legacy, hence when I work with families creating a memorial service, the first thing I say is: “Tell me about your mom…” the story they tell creates the path we take for planning the celebration. Capturing one’s legacy is the starting point for planning a life celebration at the time of death.

In a previous blog I introduced the Funeral and Memorial Information Council’s program called Talk of a Lifetime which offers a structure to help families and individuals begin pre-planning their funeral. It is legacy work that helps families share their story while living, but it certainly helps direct the path for funeral care. For more information and a link to the program visit the blog: https://blog.milesfuneralhome.com/who-you-are-matters/

At the end of the day, every life is precious as in each person’s story there are lessons to learn and a reminder of the magnificence of human life.

National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day – March 11, 2022

Thu, 10 Mar 2022 05:00:00 GMT

National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day – March 11, 2022

The funeral director is the professional that no one wants to engage with, but with whom we willingly share one of the most intimate times of our lives, the death of someone we dearly loved. Whether expected or not, death can pull even the strongest among us into a tailspin. Some of us panic, some shut down emotionally, at the very least most experience a brain fog, at the worst some lose control of their feelings and their words. No matter our disposition, how tragic or painful the loss, funeral directors walk with us through our most difficult days. Tomorrow, March 11th is National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day, a great time to reflect on this noble profession and to show appreciation to those who serve us in this way.

Formerly referred to as “undertakers,” the term dates back to medieval times when it described anyone “undertaking” a responsibility. Woodworkers were the first funeral undertakers. Because families cared for their own deceased members until the mid-1800’s, undertakers were typically those who had both carpentry skills and a horse and cart, thus the preliminary caretaking duties, crafting a casket and transporting the body were performed by carpenters, woodworkers, or family members. Until the mid-1900’s the family prepared the body and their home for visitation, those “undertaking” the responsibility for the casket and transporting, later began assisting with the home arrangements. The most significant evolution in undertaking came around the turn of the century when in the 1890s, embalming became popular. From there, the profession catapulted into a service role, what today is sometimes described as an “event planner.”

Over the years, the undertaking tasks expanded to a vocational calling to accompany the bereaved through the days immediately after a loss. Today, funeral directors must have advanced communication skills, knowledge of various customs and traditions, counseling skills, creativity, and a collaborative working relationship with florists, restauranters, churches, musicians and other vendors. Most of all, funeral directors must have at their core, a heart for the bereaved, realizing that each loss is unique, and every loss is important.

When talking about their professional role, these Funeral Directors capture the most common responses:

Timothy S. McNeaney: “Being a Funeral Director is not a career, it is a calling. I take pride in providing excellent service, empathy and compassion to families who have entrusted their loved ones to our care.”
Dalilah-Rain Gilmartin, Apprentice: “I am humbled and in awe of the strength of the human spirit in the face of loss where an indescribable sacred space emerges. I have a deep calling to hold and create that space for however a family wishes to begin their healing journey.
Philip G. Haddad Jr: “I realize a family does not get a second chance to say good-bye to their loved one, and it is my responsibility to see to every exacting detail in the funeral process on behalf of the family.”

We are proud of the work the Mile’s funeral directors perform each day as they live our mission to honor lives, celebrate memories and help heal those who have experienced loss. To our directors, we say thank you, we celebrate you and we honor your professional undertaking.

Happy National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day!

It’s a funeral… Should I bring a gift?

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 05:00:00 GMT

It’s a funeral… Should I bring a gift?

In the last few years there has been an increased emphasis on “celebrating” a funeral, designating most gatherings as “celebrations of life.” As with other life rituals that mark rites of passage such as birth, adolescence or marriage, death is an occasion for gift-giving. Sending flowers, dropping a meal off at the home of the bereaved, having a mass said in honor of the deceased, making a charitable donation in the name of the deceased, and even crowdfunding a funeral, are just some examples of bereavement gifts. Unlike a birthday or anniversary party in which a gift is expected, funeral gift-giving is a spontaneous expression of compassion.

Recently during calling hours, I witnessed the kindest expression of sympathy I have ever seen. The funeral was for a woman who left behind a special needs daughter. A number of people brought the daughter gifts, most were stuffed animals placed lovingly in gift bags with a card expressing sympathy and love. I don’t know if the gift bearers connected and agreed to do this or if they simultaneously had the same good idea; I do know the impact was powerful. Throughout the evening, as periodic overwhelming grief surfaced and the moment seemed too much for her, another gift was given to the daughter to soothe her.

Most gifts given during a loss are things adults appreciate, but have little meaning for children. It’s good to recognize when a child loses a member of the family, or even a close friend, just as with adults, a gift can lift their spirits and support them through the tough moments. A particularly difficult loss for a child is a grandparent. How wonderful it would be if family members gift wrapped something that belonged to the grandparent and gave it to the grandchild. Not only is it a good way to address the loss, but it is a concrete reminder to the child of the love they shared with their grandparent. The same principle applies if a parent, aunt or other significant person passes.

Since experiencing the effect of those precious gifts on this young woman as she bravely endured her mother’s wake, I am committed to a new act of kindness. Whenever there are children intimately connected to a loss, especially if it is a parent or sibling, whether they are at the funeral or not, I am going to bring a gift for them.

Gifts make children feel good, helping them feel loved and remembered, most importantly they recognize they are not alone. Just as a mass card, meal or a charitable donation makes an adult feel loved, so too will a teddy bear to a grieving child. It’s pretty simple: the best antidote for grief is love, don’t be afraid to show it.

When the funeral is over…

Thu, 10 Feb 2022 05:00:00 GMT

When the funeral is over…

A funeral, memorial service or celebration of life brings the reality of death to the fore where we have a chance to formally begin the grieving process. But when the service is over and everyone goes home, we are left with the stark realization that our loved one is no longer here to see, touch and relate to us in the flesh. Now begins the work of establishing a new of relating to someone whose spirit, memories, energy, and love remain with us. When someone dies, we can no longer depend on the five physical senses to relate to them, we must exercise our sixth sense, that way of knowing and enjoying the presence of one no longer in the flesh. This is the work of grief.

A combination of resources including friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, local support groups, websites and telehealth support is helpful when beginning a solid pathway for grieving. A leading trend in funeral after-care is reliance on online resources, including written articles, videos, podcasts, support groups and clinicians who conduct telehealth sessions. A good place to begin utilizing online resources is our website https://www.milesfuneralhome.com/grief-and-healing/ . Here is a sampling of our links:

Center for Loss & Transition
A leading provider of information and inspiration in the areas of illness and dying, loss and grief, healthy caregiving, life transition, and spirituality.
http://www.griefnet.org/ Griefnet is an Internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss. They have many email support groups. Their integrated approach to online grief support provides help to people working through loss and grief issues. Some of the topics include a grief support guide, daily email grief affirmations, a link to a number of excellent grief articles by Alan Wolfelt , renown expert in the area of loss, grief and healing.

Here is a sampling of some of the better-known grief support websites:

https://www.griefshare.org/ GriefShare is a structured program that meets weekly. It includes video seminars, support group discussions and personal study and reflection. To find a group that meets near you visit their website.
Griefhaven.org offers videos, educational articles and podcasts tailored to a specific loss such as spouse, child, parent, grandparent or grandchild.

Free Online Support Grief Groups

https://www.mygriefangels.org offers online support tailored to the type of loss for health care workers, people with disabilities, latinx and Spanish-speaking services, and other groups.
Grieving.com is one of the oldest grief support communities on the internet and offers support to people through community interaction, forums, interactive support and conversation circles.
https://www.griefincommon.com/ Karyn Arnold is the founder of Grief in Common, a place to find and connect with others who are grieving and most importantly to share your stories.
· https://healgrief.org/ HealGrief®, a social support network inspired by a core belief that no one should ever grieve alone. HealGrief® provides the tools and resources to guide one’s journey with grief into healthy personal growth. This site utilizes an app.
https://www.hopeagain.org Hope Again is the youth website of Cruse Bereavement Support . It is a safe place where young people can learn from other young people, how to cope with grief, and feel less alone.
https://www.griefanonymous.com/ Grief Anonymous is created in the spirit of all the other Anonymous support programs with the belief that only those who have experienced grief can understand it. Grief Anonymous is for people from all walks of life and belief systems to share their experiences, support one another, and to connect together in fellowship with a common bond of grief.

Teletherapy is an ideal option for people who find it difficult to access therapy in person. The pandemic has dramatically increased the number of therapists offering teletherapy. Check with grief and loss therapists in or out of your area to determine if they offer this service. Most insurances cover the cost.

Finding your way through the maze of grief support offerings online can be daunting, but rest assured there is something for everyone.

Preplanning 101 – Everything you need to know

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 05:00:00 GMT

Preplanning 101 – Everything you need to know

For some people preplanning their after-life care seems morbid and possibly even foolish; for others, it is seen as a gift they give their survivors. Still, for both groups, questions about the process abound. In today’s blog, I interview Miles staff member Amber Ditomasso, CPC, Funeral Director and Certified Preplanning Consultant, who answers the most frequently asked questions about preplanning.

Pam: What is the difference between preneed, imminent need and at-need funeral care.?

Amber: Preneed arrangements occur any time before the death occurs, an imminent need arrangement generally takes place when a death is expected soon and at-need funeral arrangements take place after the death occurs.

Pam: Why would someone want to preplan their funeral care?

Amber: After a death occurs, many decisions are required before services may commence. By preplanning, an individual ensures that these decisions are not left to loved ones, giving loved ones the ability to focus on their grief. Additionally, their survivors can feel confident they are fulfilling the wishes of the deceased. Another benefit to preplanning and prefunding funeral arrangements is that the funds become protected assets should a Medicaid spend down become necessary.

Pam: Describe the typical person who preplans funeral care.

Amber: Funeral preplanning is generally recommended as part of a complete estate plan, but actually anyone who is interested in having their affairs in order should consider preplanning. Many parents opt to preplan so that the process is not left for children to worry about. Still, children often find themselves planning for their parents when they become unable to plan for themselves. Funding final arrangements could prove to be a financial burden, so many people preplan and prefund so that the funding is not left to loved ones. Prefunding funeral arrangements allows the family to protect assets and lock in the cost of goods and services at many funeral homes.

Pam: What does a Certified Preplanning Consultant do and what training do they receive for certification?

Amber: “Funeral consultants work with individuals and families to plan funerals, memorials and other end-of-life events. A funeral consultant also connects clients with vendors while negotiating affordable rates for products and services.” (NFDA) In Massachusetts, and in many other states, a preplanning consultant must be a licensed funeral director. In addition to the education and practical experience needed to obtain this license, a Certified Preplanning Consultant must complete a course of study in preplanning through the National Funeral Directors Association, or NFDA. According to the NFDA, the CPC course includes Funeral Preplanning Principles, The Funeral Rule, Ethics in Preplanning, Funding Options, Contract Standards, Attentive Listening Skills, Marketing Principles, Customer Service Excellence, Consultative Sales and Creating Meaningful Ceremonies.

Pam: What happens at a meeting to preplan and who should attend?

Amber: At an arrangement conference, the preplanning consultant discusses and reviews the service options available, the manner of disposition, (earthen burial or cremation) pertinent cemetery or church details, and the vital information needed for legal documents such as the death certificate and permits. The consultant will also answer any questions and guide you through the funding process. Obituary details may be recorded, as well as any songs, hymns or poems desired for a service. If possible, the person for whom the plans are being made should attend. In their absence a family member or personal representative may plan on their behalf.

Pam: What information or documents should be brought to a preplanning session?

Amber: Vital information, such as birthdate, place of birth, social security number, parents’ names and place of birth, education, and occupation information is good to have at the pre-arrangement conference to avoid delay with processing legal paperwork when the death occurs. Additional information includes veteran documents, cemetery deeds, and financial information if planning to prefund.

Pam: Can insurance policies or other revenue sources be used to pre-pay a funeral?

Amber: Insurance policies can be used to fund a funeral after death, but they cannot be used to “pre-pay” in order to lock in costs. If the family is spending down for Medicaid, however, there is a way to assign the ownership and/or beneficiary of an insurance policy so that the policy is no longer considered an asset.

Pam: What happens to the funds between the time it is given to the funeral home and it is needed for funeral expenses?

Amber: Funeral funds provided to a funeral home to pay a preneed arrangement must be placed in a third-party escrow account. The funeral home has the option to use a bank trust or an insurance escrow. This protects the consumer because they have the option to change funeral providers if they move, or if the current funeral home goes out of business. The escrow agent will pay out to whichever funeral home provides the services.

Pam: Can one pre-arrange a funeral without pre-paying the full amount?

Amber: One may pay for their arrangements over time if they are unable or choose not to fund the arrangements in full. Most funeral homes will not guarantee any costs unless the arrangements are paid in full.

Pam: What if I change my mind on things I have pre-arranged?

Amber: The arrangements and merchandise selections may be adjusted or changed by the purchaser or personal representative.

Pam: Can my survivors change plans I have made?

Amber: Survivors may change plans within reason, but if fully funded, it may be difficult to change from a traditional service to a direct cremation, especially if the decedent was present for arrangements and specified specific services. Minor adjustments may be made to accommodate specific situations.

Pam: What happens if I move to another geographic area?

Amber: Plans are portable and follow the individual to another area. The escrow company will pay the entity providing services.

Pam: What if the circumstances at the time of death make it impossible or inconvenient to carry out my wishes?

Amber: Within reason, arrangements may be changed when needed. For example, Covid made it practical and necessary to postpone or change services.

If you are interested in learning more, have questions about preplanning after-life care or would like to schedule an appointment, please email Amber, Mile’s Funeral Home Certified Planning Consultant:

amber@milesfuneralhome.com

The price of procrastination may be more than you are willing to pay

Thu, 13 Jan 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The price of procrastination may be more than you are willing to pay

More than one person has remarked that planning a funeral requires no less effort than organizing a wedding, but you only have a couple of days to do it. For a traditional funeral there’s selecting an officiant, ordering flowers, notifying family and friends, preparing an obituary, securing a spot for a post funeral mercy meal, and gathering pictures, music and other display items to honor your loved one. This is to say nothing of the copious data one must collect for legal requirements.

Recently Amber M. Ditomasso, Funeral Director and Certified Preplanning Consultant at Miles made the absolute best case for pre-arranging a funeral I have ever heard when she declared, “There are approximately 100 decisions and pieces of information that need to be gathered in a very short time, within a couple of days.” That comment has remained in my mind as one of the best reasons to stop procrastinating if you are inclined to pre-plan your funeral. As a director who does both at need and pre-need work with families, she sees the enormous advantage for survivors when the deceased has pre-planned. Grieving survivors whose deceased loved ones pre-planned are able to address their own needs and emotions, because they are not feverishly looking for social security numbers, birth certificates and other vital information. Indeed, what pre-need advisors hear more than any other reason from people who pre-plan is that they want to spare their survivors added stress at the time of their death.

A majority of Americans believe funerals and memorial services are a valuable and important part of healing after the death of a loved one – and that funeral professionals can help them meaningfully honor a life – according to the results of a nationwide online survey conducted from March 31 – April 10, 2015, among 1,238 U.S. adults age 40+ and 305 U.S. adults aged 20-39 by Harris Poll on behalf of the Funeral and Memorial Information Council (FAMIC). Eighty-nine percent of respondents felt a discussion about their end-of-life wishes would be meaningful, 69% indicated they would prefer to pre-arrange their own service and 82% of people over the age of forty say that a funeral service helps pay tribute to the life of a friend or family member. The most important finding though of the survey is “While funerals and memorial services may be different from what they were 25 years ago when we first began surveying consumers, the fact remains that memorialization is important when a loved one dies,” said Jeffrey Wages, a funeral director who serves as president of FAMIC. “And much like they did 25 years ago, consumers trust funeral directors to provide compassionate guidance and service during a very difficult time.” (FAMIC website)

There are some practical reasons for pre-planning one’s funeral such as avoiding grief-spending, guaranteeing prices for goods and services the funeral home provides, protecting funeral funds from Medicaid spend down, having control of how you are memorialized, and ensuring there are no complications in carrying out your wishes. A good example of a complication is an unnecessary delay in cremation because information for a death certificate cannot be located.

Pre-planning a funeral can be done in one’s home, at the funeral home or through a zoom meeting. Most importantly each of these methods gives you the time to gather all the vital information needed. A pre-planning consultant can also assist with legacy resources, such as sample memorials or outlines for writing a good obituary. Pre-need consultants collaborate closely with celebrants, legacy writers and other professionals that can assist with designing the best memorial for you.

Conveying yet another good reason to pre-plan one woman say, “I am doing this because I don’t remember a second of my husband’s death and memorial, I don’t remember that week of my life.” She reminds us that grief often overwhelms those trying to plan, experience and memorialize a loved one. So go ahead, stop procrastinating, become one of the 16.5 million people who have pre-planned their funeral. It is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your survivors.

A good time to start is now, a good place to begin is with easy our online pre-arrangement form:

https://www.milesfuneralhome.com/plan-ahead/pre-plan-online

Amber will answer the most commonly asked questions about pre-arrangement in the next blog, to be published January 27th.

For better or worse it’s here, 2022

Thu, 30 Dec 2021 05:00:00 GMT

For better or worse it’s here, 2022

In my opinion, January 1st may be the worst time to set goals, make changes, or muster up the energy for a “can do” attitude. Most of us are exhausted from holiday festivities that have been going on for more than a month. (Thanksgiving to January 1st) It’s no surprise that only 7% of those who made resolutions in 2019 kept them all. The 57% who didn’t make any probably had the right idea, January first is a lousy day to start anything.

The most popular resolutions were to exercise more (59%), eat healthier (54%), save money (51%), and lose weight (48%). No wonder so many people failed, it takes serious focus and energy to succeed at these things, and after weeks of parties and the most expensive spending month of the year, we set ourselves up for failure in the exact areas we have spent more than 30 days weakening and we foolishly attempt it during one of the most depressing weather months of the year. I am not suggesting there is no value in New Year Resolutions, I just think we might have better success at a different time of year, or at least waiting until the middle of the month. Lest you think I am a total New Year’s Day Grinch; I do believe in marking endings and beginnings. Turning the calendar annually offers an opportunity to pause, breathe and look back before we turn our gaze steadily forward. I think in this area, the bereaved actually have a head start.

Facing a new year has a few notable similarities with the grief journey. Losing someone you love, especially if they lived in your household, presents a mammoth undertaking of adapting to a new way of life, a challenge the bereaved hold in common with resolution makers. The new year requires we simultaneously say good-bye and hello, the grieving heart must bid farewell to countless things that will be no more and adopt a new way of relating to their beloved deceased. Letting go of dreams and plans isn’t easy, especially when the future is unknown. A life without someone we have loved challenges us to make room for new ways of viewing the world. It asks us to open up to new possibilities. I am reminded of the many parents who have lost children and started non-profit organizations in their name. As a result, they have helped themselves and so many people. These heroic efforts inspire us that a new year can also offer challenges we may never have planned for but may change our life and someone else’s for the better.

One undertaking of a grieving heart is to accept change with grace. Unfortunately, there is no easy or quick fix for a wounded heart, nor is it easy to approach a year of unknown risks. Indeed, gracefully making room for unexpected changes is a challenge many of us could add to our resolution list. The Covid-19 pandemic has turned our lives in directions we didn’t choose to go, as difficult as it has been, many people have found the will to make necessary and positive changes in their life. It gives me great hope that despite the perils of the pandemic, we enter 2022 more focused and honest with ourselves, with more courage and emotional strength.

For 2022, I resolve only one thing, to be a blessing to at least one person each day. At the end of each day I hope to be able to identify someone whose life I made a little better. I am also making a change to the frequency of this blog. In order to devote more time at Miles to community education, Thoughtful Thursdays, will be published bi-weekly, instead of weekly. It will continue to be accessible through the website and the Miles Facebook page. Whatever comes our way in 2022, let us be grateful for the journey; life is a wonder-filled, exciting experience, and though it isn’t always perfect, a new year is unquestionably a gift.

Wishing you a new year filled with everything you need to grow, to live, to love and to be happy.

The Miles Staff

Be the Gift….

Thu, 23 Dec 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Be the Gift….

Children love Christmas because they adore surprises, they like getting presents, and they freely accept the gift’s message that they are loved. Living in their simple, concrete world, children experience the joys of Christmas for what they are. As we age and our worldview becomes more abstract, we come to realize that Christmas magic is actually about the giver.

The Christmas I learned to appreciate the gift and the giver was the year I received a much hoped for stocking hat. These long, cone shaped hats were the latest fashion and all my peers wore them. It was really all I wanted for Christmas that year. I excitedly compared all my friends hats, wondering which one I would get that Christmas. I remember Christmas morning opening the gift. It had my mother’s familiar touch. She was an expert knitter and I instantly realized she had made my stocking hat. Like Joseph’s amazing technicolor dream coat, my new hat was made of many colors and I immediately felt a child’s pride arising from a parent’s love. I loved that hat, not for the motive I had in wanting it (because all my friends had one) but because every time I looked at it, I visualized my mother long after I went to bed at night, knitting it for me. Because of its rainbow design, I knew she had to change the skein of yarn every few rows, making the gift all the more special.

The hat is long gone, but the memory of the gift is not, because it was the gift that changed every gift to come, it was the gift that taught me to be a generous giver, it taught me to look beyond the gift to the giver. It was the gift that taught me that time is a gift, making people happy is a gift, and that the real gift lies between the giver and receiver. The hat wasn’t the gift, a mother’s love was.

My current stocking hat….

Many years have passed, I still wear stocking hats and still carry the lessons that first one taught me, especially to be the gift. This Christmas, as we face a second year fighting the Covid-19 pandemic, remember you are the gift and it’s vital during these tough times to be the gift.

Be a messenger – tell someone how important they are

Be presence – turn off the electronics and take a walk in the woods with a friend, grandchild, or someone special in your life

Be repentance – ask pardon of someone you have hurt

Be mercy – forgive someone who has hurt you

Be comfort – share a treasured memory with someone who has forgotten

Be light – visit someone living in darkness

For those who wait for your love, expect your presence, or need your hope, you are the gift this Christmas.

During this holiday time, Miles wishes you moments of lightness in the midst of the pain.

We wish you companionship of beloved people in the midst of the loneliness.

We wish you healing as you learn to endure these days. Most of all, we wish you peace.

I am sorry for your loss; how can I help?

Thu, 16 Dec 2021 05:00:00 GMT

I am sorry for your loss; how can I help?

I have been asked what the best way is to support a grieving person. The simple answer is that while there are common strategies, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Grief is personal and intimate. Sharing someone’s grief journey takes thought, compassion and a generous spirit. It also takes time and commitment. While the occasional remembrance of a grief-stricken person is admirable, grieving people report that their “go to” support person was the one who repeatedly reached out to them in small ways, reminding them they were not alone. Grief can be so isolating hence, “presence” matters.

When supporting someone, we must develop an appreciation of the loss from their point of view, make no assumptions. Embracing the complexities of loss is best done by walking closely, listening carefully and holding all in your heart. Whether someone lost a loved one to suicide, sickness, in childbirth, a car accident or old age, affects their grief. Not only the manner of death, but the history of their relationship with the deceased influences the support needed. My best ideas for supporting an individual came from reflecting on their loss.

Knowing the person you are trying to support is also key to helping them. Some people are private, some are more social with their grief. Take your lead from them. Don’t go faster than the person you are trying to help, even if their pace seems exceedingly slow. Don’t let your need to “do something” get in the way of their need to be present to their grief. The single greatest gift you can give a grieving person is to be with them, where they are and as they are. No matter how helpless it makes you feel, avoid the need to “fix it.”

If you are supporting a grieving person, also take a minute to review these common myths about grief and be careful not to play into them.

People will feel good if they just try, they need to move on
There are stages and tasks you must go through
Grief lessens with time, usually a year
It’s best not to dwell on your loss
The intensity and duration of your grief reflect how much you loved the deceased

When supporting someone in grief, you need a listening ear, and a generous, compassionate heart. It helps to make a list of simple acts of kindness you can do to remind them they are not alone. Keep the list handy and during the first few months after their loss, do one each week. Whether it is sending a note, a card, making a phone call or dropping off an unexpected meal, these weekly reminders will prove you are holding them closely. At the end of the day, the best way to support a grieving person is to hold them in your heart and not be shy about showing them.

“All you need is one safe anchor to keep you grounded when the rest of your life spins out of control.” —Katie Kacvinsky

What lies beyond this life?

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:00 GMT

What lies beyond this life?

Beyond, written by Catherine Wolff and published earlier this year, presents an exceptional history of the various beliefs about death and the afterlife. For eons, humans have labored to understand and ritualize the mysteries of coming to life and leaving it. Beyond is a scholarly but readable primer for anyone interested in exploring the many theories about the afterlife. For all the scientific inquiry and poetic expressions, there is no universally held theory that explains death or confirms an afterlife. Such a definitive answer would not make loss easier, for it is the loneliness of grief, not the reality of death that causes us to fear it, avoid it and mourn it.

Amid the mysteries and theories, what I do know is that a person is only gone from this earth when we forget them. When we no longer remember the joy we felt when we were with them, or the comfort we had in trusting them, or the simple pleasures of everyday life with them, then they are gone. When the treasured stories have lost their spark, when we no longer adorn our homes with our loved one’s photos, when we forget how they loved us, then they are gone.

The journey of grief requires we establish a lasting relationship with one who is no longer here in the body. As we make our way through the sadness and loneliness, we come to live in the presence of their spirit. We do not love the people in our lives exclusively for their physical presence. We love them whether we are with them or not, indeed we often live by the maxim that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” When a person dies, we can take our first step forward by reflecting on the ways we held them during times of physical separation. In grief work, we benefit from remembering these, while remaining open to the interconnectedness we have with people in spirit, living and deceased.

Memories, stories, and personal items, hold the vision, truth and emotions of a relationship. Each year in our house as we decorate the Christmas tree, we renew a fifty-year journey as each ornament signifies a place visited, a person remembered, or an event shared. Every relationship has its stories, some humorous, some momentous and others simply good stories, these stories reveal a moment in time that uncovers the landscape of an eternal relationship. Objects can also stimulate the presence of a loved one who has passed. Many years ago, a friend who was a genius at crewel made a doll for me. I treasure it for its beauty, but more importantly, when I look at it or hold it, my friend joins me in the present. Though she has been dead for more than a decade, I still experience how very much she loved me to have put so many hours into this gift.

For now, we do not conclusively know what lies beyond this life, someday we will. Until then, whatever your belief, loss can be painful and prevailing, so be gentle with yourself and keep your loved one alive in whatever way is best for you.

You need a Rita in your life ….

Thu, 02 Dec 2021 05:00:00 GMT

You need a Rita in your life ….

This is the time of year when there is considerable celebrating, but there can also be inordinate sadness, and because the rejoicing seems to be everywhere, the sadness feels all the more intense. For those who are grieving the recent loss of a loved one, it can be a very painful time. At the very least, this is a moment to draw on the lessons life has already taught you; a time to reach into your toolbox and retrieve strategies, actions, philosophies and traditions that have served you well. If you are blessed, you have people close by to booster your faint-hearted attempts to embrace the holidays.

At this time of year, I am reminded of the most valuable lesson anyone ever taught me. Like others, when I am stressed, my mind gears quite easily into overdrive. The holiday season certainly qualifies as one of those times. With all the extra personal and professional demands, my mind gets so overfilled with details that I can easily be going in so many directions at once that any modicum of orderliness escapes me. Between the “what ifs” and the “I shoulds” sometimes I can barely take my next step. Enter the great lesson taught to me by a dear friend, Sr. Rita Jolley, SND. Rita died in 2008, but her voice is as loud and clear as ever, reminding me “keep your mind where your body is”. It is still the perfect alert for me on the days I multitask my life and mind into oblivion. It is also the perfect advice for those grieving a deep loss during the holiday season. Leave behind the what ifs and the I shoulds.

We all have a Sister Rita in our lives, and whether they are living or dead, their deep, authentic and usually home-grown wisdom, their intimate knowledge of us, and their love for us as we are, provide the perfect blueprint for helping us through the hard times. Sr. Rita loved Christmas, and so I always think of her at this time of year. But I also think of the great lesson she tried valiantly to teach me…to stay in the moment, to embrace whatever it is so fully that it heals, helps, teaches and forms me. I am still learning the lesson; I am still loving Rita.

If you are facing a holiday without someone you dearly loved, seek out the Sr. Rita in your life who loves you enough to accept you as you are and yet challenges you to grow through what life has given you. Let this person help you embrace the days ahead as the world celebrates and you don’t want to.

In Loving Memory

Sr. Rita Jolley SND
1944-2008

During this holiday time, we wish you moments of lightness in the midst of the pain. We wish you companionship of beloved people in the midst of the loneliness. We wish you healing as you learn to endure these days. Most of all, we wish you peace.

Comfort and Joy

Thu, 25 Nov 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Comfort and Joy

Diwali, the festival of lights, a key celebration for Hindus, Jains, Sikhs and some Buddhists began the winter holidays on November 4th. Chanukah and Advent begin this Sunday. December 8th is the feast of Rohatsu (Bodhi Day), the day when Buddha made his vow to sit under the Bodhi tree until he reached enlightenment. Bodhi day has the same weight as the Christian celebration honoring Jesus on Christmas.. The Wicca and Pagan traditions celebrate the winter Solstice on December 21st. Clearly, light is a universal and central theme in all of these celebrations.

It is no wonder that so many traditions celebrate light during earth’s dreariest cycle, winter darkness. Like autumn when the leaves fall and die, winter’s barrenness, and short days seem suitable for a grieving heart. Indeed, it can be painful living in a celebrating world when your heart feels so dismal. Anytime of year, but especially during the holidays, one of the more challenging tasks of grief is to honor the sorrow but allow the heart some pleasure. If you are experiencing acute grief, a healthy approach to the holidays is to respect both the need for comfort and the need for the genuine joys of the season. In balance, each is essential to healing.

Several years ago when someone I loved dearly was experiencing her first holidays after a horrific loss, I made her a comfort and joy box with items ready to meet her need to be comforted and things to simply make her happy. As a pro-active step to facing the inevitable moments you will need reassurance or to remind yourself it’s okay to celebrate, I encourage any grieving person to build their own comfort and joy box. Some items that heal the mind, body and spirit might include:

Your grieving heart’s Christmas wish list
Poems, short stories
Photograph of your loved ones – living and deceased
CD or other means of music
Treats – chocolate, favorite snack
Letters, cards that have been comforting
Tea, Coffee, energy drink, Emergen-c
Journal and pen
Soft, comforting items – socks, blanket or wrap
Clothing with the scent of your deceased loved one
Foot soak, face mask or bath bomb
Candle
Trail book or a prompt for activities that uplift you
Envelope with something you have always wanted to try or do
Envelope with inspirational quotes
Phone number of someone you have been meaning to call or connect with
Letter writing supplies
An enjoyable book

The holidays are upon us, it is inevitable that grief will feel more intense. Whatever small measure of self-care you can take is good. Reach out to those around you, make your needs known, and remember, like all steps of the grief journey, this too shall pass. As each tradition celebrates its winter festival, let us be reminded there is light in the darkness.

During this holiday time, we wish you moments of lightness in the midst of the pain.

We wish you companionship of beloved people in the midst of the loneliness.

We wish you healing as you learn to endure these days. Most of all, we wish you peace.

Miles Funeral Home

Happy Birthday to Us….

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Happy Birthday to Us….

We are celebrating Thoughtful Thursday’s one-year anniversary. Every Thursday since November 19, 2020, we have reflected on an aspect of death, funeral care or bereavement. The blog categories include inspiration, death care, funeral etiquette, grief, loss and mourning, pre-need planning, memorial services and legacy, children and death, the opioid epidemic, the Covid Pandemic or general information.

We are so pleased that google analytics suggest the blog is meaningful to our readers. Since the inception of Thoughtful Thursday, 1,399 people have viewed the blog. During October 2021 there were 240 unique readers. This is enough to encourage us to continue the weekly blog.

The most read topics during the year were:

Funeral Etiquette
Grief During the Holidays
The Healing Power of Silence
Pre-need and Funeral Planning
Memorials, Funerals and Designing Ritual

Now is your chance to determine future topics for the blog.

Is there a topic we covered that you would like us to revisit and take a deeper dive?
Are there topics from the funeral care service that you would like to know about?

Please use the comment box below to suggest future topics and we will do our very best to cover these. Thanks to those of you who have so generously read and commented on the blog this past year.

Embracing Grief During the Holidays

Thu, 11 Nov 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Embracing Grief During the Holidays

The holidays can certainly be stressful. There’s the shopping, the heightened expectations of family and traditions, and the incessant Hallmark movies depicting an unreal world in which the main character has a mediocre life, a crisis, and a magical, picture-perfect ending. Alas, we are not characters in a Hallmark movie and when we have experienced a deep loss, much to our dismay, the holidays still come around, often without a magical ending.

The intensity of grief is heightened during the holidays, manifesting as a tumultuous moment or general chaos, created by a never ending to-do-list, without the will and energy to accomplish it. The grieving heart lives with an unspoken desire to return to normal, and can react strongly to the misguided advice of others who counsel that “he would want you to be happy” or “this Christmas will be hard, but you can get through it!” The truth is amidst your pain, you deserve some comfort and joy and incorporating the emotions of your grief into your choices, activities and traditions is possible. Another truth: It isn’t healthy or possible to ignore either your pain or the holidays.

At this Saturday’s seminar, we will explore ways to embrace your grief during the holidays. We will discuss strategies, reflect on poems, and consider practical ways to walk with your grief while all the world seems to be rejoicing and you feel broken, sad and alone.

Please join us for

Embracing Grief During the Holidays

Presenter: Pamela Reidy, Director of Community Education

Saturday, November 13, 2021 (this weekend)

at the Holden Senior Center
1158 Main Street, Holden 01520
1:00-3:30 p.m .

Includes light refreshments and a free book

Turn Back Time

Thu, 04 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Turn Back Time

Autumn can be a tough time for grieving people. First, the trees shed their leaves, exposing the starkness of dying. Then there are the many November celebrations that honor the dead, recollect the fragility of life, and call to mind the hereafter. But what I grieve most in autumn is the diminishing daylight, because more than anything it reminds me of the obscurity of grief and death. This week especially, with nighttime’s darkness so palpable at 7 a.m. and the evening happy hour abbreviated by an early sunset, I cannot help but recognize how short life can be. Lucky for me, daylight savings time eases some of the early autumn gloom.

This Sunday (November 7th) at 2:00 a.m. daylight savings time ends; we turn the clocks back an hour in lieu of naturally adjusting to the darker days. Hence we cleverly fool ourselves and Mother Nature into thinking the darkness is defeated. How much easier for us, if such a simple adjustment were available to manage our grief. Autumn’s dramatic changes remind me of so many of the painful turnings we face as we grieve. No matter the circumstances of a death, it is normal to crave a return to the time when someone we love was alive. How magical it would be if we could actually turn back time.

Autumn also brings physical challenges with it. At this time of year many people experience SAD (seasonal affect disorder). No matter how long or short a day is, grief’s darkness can effortlessly bring deep-rooted pain to the surface. But expensive lamps brightening our surroundings cannot quell the darkness that can pervade our every cell.

As we return to standard time, let us not try so much to turn back time, but to return peacefully to the natural progression of light and darkness. Let us befriend the dark, not fearing the unknown, let us embrace the mystery.

Don’t forget — fall backwards—turn those clocks back one hour before you go to bed Saturday night.

The Menagerie

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Menagerie

I admit to loving teddy bears and sleeping with at least one every night. But more than providing childlike comfort, my bears bring to mind and heart so many of the people I have loved in this world who are no longer here. The bears in my special collection were each crafted from the clothing of people who have died but live on in my heart.

Twenty-four years ago a dear friend of mine passed away from a brain tumor. Although I was intimately involved with her care for months and witnessed each step she took away from this world, when she died I was not ready. Hearing about a woman who made specialized memory bears using people’s clothing, jewelry and small mementos, some of us ordered “Carol memory bears.” Thus began a quarter century tradition of making bears, pillows and other keepsakes from the clothing of the special people I have loved and lost. Today, I have a menagerie of bears, a whole lot of memories and a constant reminder of some of the most remarkable people life has given me.

This is the teddy bear I had made when my mom passed, fashioned from the last piece of clothing I bought her just days before her death. On special occasions like her birthdate, death date or Mother’s Day, this bear takes centerstage as the other bears move to the back, So it is with each of the special people my bears represent, they each have their turn of being first on my mind and in my heart.

Grieving individuals often mention feeling like there is a hole in their heart and that something is missing. I am not suggesting a teddy bear or pillow is a replacement, but I do know that we are physical beings who concretize our feelings, and that a physical reminder such as a photo, piece of jewelry, or personal belonging of someone who has died, gives us comfort, because it reminds us that our experience of love and physical presence was real.

It has become fashionable for some people to wear jewelry that contain ashes or the thumbprint of their loved one. Every day for the two years that separated their deaths, my 98-year-old dad wore a dog tag with my mom’s fingerprint engraved on it. One of the more beautiful pieces of jewelry I have seen is a teardrop necklace that holds the ashes of someone’s beloved.

We are finite beings, but the touch we put upon each other’s lives is infinite.

Mementos, be it a teddy bear, jewelry, or photo remind us of love that will never end.

Rev. Pam Reidy

Anger

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Anger

Dressed in red from head to toe, Anger waits where people don’t like to go. She hangs out in quiet, dark places enjoying a grand entrance. Some people like her power and enjoy having her around because of the attention she brings. Others stay as far away from her as possible because they know how easily she gets out of control. You are her friend or you are not, it’s that simple.

Anger has more close friends than you might think. Justice is her best friend, together they do amazing, healing, hopeful things. Fear is also a frequent companion, hiding behind Anger so often that one is often mistaken for the other. Fear doesn’t like wearing red, shouting aloud or being powerful. Truth be known, Fear doesn’t really enjoy Anger, but needs to hide somewhere and she feels safe around Anger. Anger provides her the perfect cover. Another friend, Sadness, also takes cover behind Anger, she hides better than Fear, so it’s unlikely that you will discover her without looking very carefully.

Anger is very comfortable protesting things; some of her favorite phrases are: “How Could this Happen?” It’s not fair.” and “I hate this!” Anger is intense in most everything she utters and one can often find her near people who have experienced a loss.

_______________________

Anger is a common reaction to death and indeed many families experience conflict during the initial stages of grief. Spanning from mild discord to rage, anger can manifest as a silent killer or a violent confrontation. When we don’t address anger, we can become bitter, condemning our feelings to a prison cell.

When vulnerable, we instinctively attempt to feel stronger, thus at times, we replace grief-related feelings such as sadness, loneliness or fear with accusations, bitterness and outrage. Unwarranted, futile feelings and behaviors push the healthy, normal reactions of grief aside. Unresolved grief exhausts us, so hard as it is, facing loss is the healthier choice.

If you feel angry while grieving, first identify the source of your feeling. Is it really anger or is it something else? Typically, authentic anger has a source that is solvable; honesty and openness readily soothe the situation. Expressing anger is reasonable and healthy when justifiable. If a loved one dies by suicide, anger plays a different role in grief than if death is by sudden heart attack. In either case, the vulnerability we experience is unsettling. Anger may simply be signaling a desire to feel strong instead of vulnerable.

Some strategies for managing anger, include thinking before you speak, waiting to express anger when you are calm, getting physical exercise, or taking a time out. Once calm, try to identify possible solutions, talk things out with a generous view of those you are angry with, use humor to release tension and don’t hold a grudge.

Remember that we often take frustrations out on those we hold most dear because deep inside we are counting on their love to save us. The world is not an easy place when we are grieving. Be gentle with yourself and don’t be afraid to acknowledge that what manifests as anger in the early stages of grief is typically sadness.

Have you met my friend Fear….

Thu, 14 Oct 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Have you met my friend Fear….

Watch out for Fear. She is overly friendly and desperately wants to be your best friend. It is amazing how she juggles all those relationships, but somehow she does it. She can effortlessly seize your every thought, blurring reality.

Fear has a huge wardrobe and loves to dress in disguise, so it can be really difficult to recognize her. When one is mourning a loss, Fear usually takes center-stage, but is sometimes incognito, so you may not know it is her. She clings to worry, enjoys imagining unlikely scenarios, and perseverates about the worst outcomes.

When Fear enters your home, she likes to sit in the living room, take the best seat, and settle in. If you are not careful she will stay so long that you just avoid this room and end up losing the peace of your safe, beautiful space. Fear really does her job well, but don’t let her get too comfortable.

If she does visit you, try to see Fear for what she is and accept what she is trying to tell you because her messages can be legitimate and hold the path forward.

_________________________

It is normal to experience some fear when someone we love dies. The nature and severity of our fear is apropos to the circumstances of death and our relationship to the deceased. In the case of a young person’s death, their peers often express fear as insomnia or clinginess. When the head of household dies, family members understandably fear for their future welfare. Often when a person in a nursing home dies, the residents get anxious, fearing they will be next. In the case of unexpected death, whether or not we knew the deceased, we may experience a subtle anxiety, fearing the fragility of life.

Familiar manifestations of grief-associated fear include excessive concern about the future, an overactive imagination posing outcomes with no basis in fact, addiction to the what if game, and a tenacious sense of impending doom. It is important to distinguish your actual feeling. A careful appraisal of your inner thoughts and feelings can determine the amount of attention your fears should be given. Is it a generalized or specific fear? Is it a valid warning or overactive emotional response without factual basis?

There are lots of ways to soothe your fears, such as talking to a trusted friend, writing, or taking “a thought walk” in a peaceful setting having an internal dialogue. There are as many ways to cope with fear as there are fears, you will know what calms and comforts you. A good way to react to excessive fear is to breathe through panic. There are some good YouTube videos demonstrating effective breathing techniques. Examining the evidence of a “worst case scenario” can help diminish unrealistic fears. Some people find that imagining the worst alleviates worry because it helps them realize that more often than not, their worst fears are either impossible or not likely. For others, playing out the situation in their mind only exacerbates the fear. You know yourself, trust your approach.

It is also perfectly okay to “go to your happy place”. This can be geographic change, meditating on a piece of art or listening to a comforting piece of music. It could be watching a comedic movie, taking a canoe ride or going to dinner with a friend. Going to your happy place, relieves stress and gives you a respite from fear.

Suppressing fear by ignoring it, moves it deeper and it is sure to resurface stronger. Hard as it is to face our fears, the Wizard of Oz gave great advice to the cowardly lion, “Back where I come from we have men who are called heroes. Once a year they take their fortitude out of mothballs and they parade it down the main street.” Parading your inner fortitude is a great strategy for facing fear.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Sorrow…grief’s persistent, exhausting emotion

Thu, 07 Oct 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Sorrow…grief’s persistent, exhausting emotion

Sorrow is a bulky, brawny kind of guy. Most people avoid him because when he is around he wields a lot of power. He’s so heavy, just being near him weighs you down. He can easily smother you and you will find yourself gasping for air. Sorrow’s best friend is Tears. She has a reputation for being unpopular, but actually Tears has been particularly good for Sorrow. They make great companions.

Sorrow visits everyone, from their earliest childhood days to their deathbed. Surely one of life’s great challenges is to learn Sorrow’s lessons. Sorrow is like a chameleon, appearing as sadness, regret or penitence. Whether heartbroken or guilt-ridden, sorrow is born from sensitivity and feeds off the anguish in a heart.

When people die, everyone invokes him, saying things like, “I am so sorry for your loss.” Sorrow doesn’t really like this. He prefers people acknowledge him directly and say something like, “I know you are in pain” or “I care for you.” Sorrow has been around forever and has entered hearts so many times, he deserves more respect than he gets.

_______________________________

Sorrow, also known as sadness, is one of grief’s persistent and exhausting emotions. It originates deep in the soul, bringing to the surface psychological, emotional and physical reminders of our loss. Having encountered loss and disappointment during our lives, we have usually developed successful coping skills. Nevertheless, sadness during grief, can feel quite different, because it is linked to the death of a person. The more intimate our relationship with the deceased, the more acute and painful the emotion. Sadness borne of deep grief is complex and does not subside easily.

Another truth about sorrow is its capacity to self-multiply. Once we start expressing sadness, we tend to lament things unrelated to our current loss. When grieving, we can easily end up crying for every sad thing that ever happened to us.

Sorrow exposes our loss; ignoring it can cause physical illness. A persistent symptom can be the body’s way of urging us to address our sadness. Sadness should not be judged, evaluated, minimized or exaggerated.

Circumventing sadness gives it more power. Expressing sorrow in a purposeful way is good, for example crying is a physical release that readjusts our emotions. Another favorite antidote for sadness is physical activity, which is a natural mood booster. Exercise releases endorphins that interact with the receptors in the brain to reduce the perception of pain. Endorphins trigger a positive feeling in the body similar to that of morphine.

Whatever you do to alleviate persistent sadness, remember that grief is not on a timeline, it is personal and individual, and no one can escape sadness when grieving the loss of someone they have loved.

Embracing waves of loneliness…

Thu, 30 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Embracing waves of loneliness…

Loneliness came late in the evening, past my bedtime. I wasn’t up for company, but her presence isn’t easy to ignore. She has a menacing personality, is hard to detect, and most people find it difficult to admit they know her. At her core is a longing so powerful it can overshadow all the good around her.

She has a terrible habit of undermining memories, can fill a room with emptiness, and stifle all desire to engage with others.

When she dresses up to go out she wears clothes that are too big and bulky, shrouding herself from head to toe, even in the summertime. She spends an enormous amount of time and energy hiding her heart, probably because it is so broken.

Loneliness is not at all what she seems. Quiet and solitary, afraid to act, her determination to isolate herself builds an impenetrable fortress around her heart. Once she confessed that many days she cries alone, but when she has a companion cry with her, she feels freer and stronger.

Loneliness needs more friends, which is challenging because her nature is to keep to herself, feeding distorted memories, fearful of making new ones. She admits to feeling alone in a crowd. Someone needs to give Loneliness the courage to embrace new things, new people, new ideas, but alas she finds it so difficult to get out of her own way.

______________________________________

Loneliness can be a near constant companion when we are grieving. People have described it as a deep hole or darkness. With the loss of a soulmate, spouse, parent or child, loneliness can be intense. Sometimes we don’t recognize we are lonely; at other times we know it, but resist facing it. Boredom, anxiety, or an inability to stay focused can be indicators of loneliness as well as indecision, incapacity to renew relationships or engage with others.

Glorifying the past can exacerbate loneliness but visiting the past may be helpful. Often enjoying cherished memories soothes a broken heart. Memories prompt gratitude and being thankful always lifts the spirit. A word of caution though, we see things not as they are, but as we are. This is especially true of memories.

Some creative approaches can help loneliness. It may be helpful to establish a daily designated time to chat, letter write or view photos of the loved one you miss. These are popular ways of inviting them into the present. After a while, your loved one will be integrated into your new life in a more natural way. Letter writing is a non-threatening way to bring unsettling things out in the open and view them more objectively. The great thing about putting pen to paper is that we can always rip it up or burn it, destroying it once it has accomplished its purpose. Having a conversation with your loneliness is another great strategy.

Unattended loneliness is effusive of itself, by its very nature it creates more loneliness. When we embrace things, they hold less power over us; this is especially true of loneliness. When we have lost someone that was a significant part of our daily life and held a special place in our heart, we don’t “get over them”, we will always miss them, but in time the acute loneliness will diminish. Above all, don’t let loneliness get so overwhelming that it keeps you from receiving the love others are offering you.

The season is a changing….

Thu, 23 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The season is a changing….

Yesterday marked the end of summer and the beginning of Autumn. This seasonal change marks the time when the Northern and Southern hemispheres change places and the earth tilts so the north receives less warmth from the sun and the south receives more. With the shifting tilt of earth’s axis we also have less light, shortening our days. It’s a hard transition for many as evidenced by the amount of money spent on commodities for “seasonal affect disorder,” appropriately coined SAD.

Though I don’t suffer from SAD, I sure am unhappy to see those long summer evenings disappear. This has never been my favorite time of year, mostly because I don’t welcome change; most people don’t. Change would be easier if we knew the future, too much unpredictability and unfamiliarity can be challenging. For the more adventurous among us, it is exciting, but for the timid of heart, change can be downright frightening.

Change is one of the more unsettling things when mourning the loss of someone we are close to, especially a soulmate or someone with whom we have lived. Recently a new widow told me, “I was always sympathetic to other women who lost their husbands, but really until my husband died, I had no idea at all what it’s like.” The copious changes wrought in a life without him is nothing she imagined.

Mercy By the Sea, a retreat house in Madison, Connecticut recently sent its subscribers an equinox prayer ritual. In it they offered some wonderful reflection questions for those experiencing a recent loss:

As a new season moves in, what “quiet changes” or stirrings are sending their signals to you to let go?

How are you being called to continue to evolve/grow/transform during this “inner season?”

What might you harvest from the plenitude and fruits your life holds?

(https://www.mercybythesea.org/Customer-Content/www/CMS/files/Mabon_2021.pdf)

As with all matters of the heart, grief is exhausting, so be gentle with yourself. If you resist change, if not knowing the future is fearsome, be gentle with yourself. But do take advantage of Mother Nature’s lessons in the Autumnal Equinox.

Maker of the Seasons, thank you for all that autumn teaches me. Change my focus so that I see not only what I am leaving behind, but also the harvest and the plenitude that my life holds. May my heart grow freer and my life more peaceful as I resonate with, and respond to, the many teachings this season offers to me.

The Circle of Life by Joyce Rupp & Macrina Wiederkehr

Embracing the Emotions of Grief

Wed, 15 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Embracing the Emotions of Grief

For humans, our emotions are among the most precious, mysterious and beautiful of gifts. Most of us are aware of IQ but few realize the significance of EQ, emotional quotient. Emotional intelligence is essential to living a peaceful, happy life. “Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.”

( https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-eq.htm# )

When we are grieving the loss of someone dear to us there are emotions, that although we know intimately, show a slightly difference face when coupled with loss. While fear, loneliness, anger or disillusionment are manageable in everyday life, they can become overwhelming during grief. No matter how developed and strong a person’s emotional quotient, grief involves periods of emotional overload.

Embracing our emotions makes for good self-care at any time, but when mourning a loss, ignoring our feelings can lead to serious physical and psychological difficulties. It is easy to mask or ignore painful feelings when we are grieving, and it is challenging to face painful emotions. Each loss is unique and its dominant emotions are relative to our relationship to the deceased and the circumstances of the death. Grief is not linear, has no time limit; it is a journey, the emotions of grief wax and wane, so developing an effective self-care plan is key.

If you wish to explore the topic of grieving, emotions, and self-care strategies more closely, please join me this weekend for our quarterly seminar where I will focus on the emotions of sorrow, loneliness, anger/rage, fear and disillusionment.

Embracing the Emotions of Grief

Saturday, September 18, 2021 (this weekend)

at the Holden Senior Center

1158 Main Street, Holden 01520

1:00-3:30 p.m.

Includes light refreshments and a free book

Please RSVP by calling 508-829-4434

“Understanding feelings, talking about feelings, managing feelings — these are among the greatest challenges of being human.”

( Douglas Stone , Bruce Patton , Sheila Heen , Difficult Conversations )

A time to be born and a time to die…

Thu, 09 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

A time to be born and a time to die…

The length of any human life is unknown; but common wisdom holds that there is a time to be born and a time to die. Anyone who has experienced the pain of someone dying prematurely has wrestled with this enigma.

Dying prematurely was brought home to me in mid-August when I was out for an early morning walk. In the middle of the street I saw a fully matured, beautifully colored, fallen leaf. Not far down the road, I found a fresh green one. Surely the middle of summer is when leaves should be enjoying mid-life, securely fastened to branches, purifying our air and shading us from the harmful rays of the sun.

Here were two leaves ostensibly having finished their work, a poignant reminder that premature death is one of life’s intense complexities, one that always breaks the heart.

There was such a stark difference between these two leaves, one mature with its beautiful colors, the other showing no sign of age. As with leaves, some of us get more time, others less; some experience and accomplish a great deal in a short time, others not so much. Short of a highly tuned medical prognosis, genetic pre-disposition, or death by suicide or euthanasia, there is no definitive blueprint for determining what the length of one’s life will be. It is a mystery beyond our knowing.

If we were able to choose our time to be born and time to die, most of us would beg more time. Whether we are young, in the prime of life, or among the blessed to have reached the autumn or winter years, we know that premature death, especially the death of a child, is a painful time for survivors. The best we can do is to know what comforts people when they are struggling and be cautious about reciting platitudes that can hurt rather than help.

It can hurt a parent, grandparent, relative, sibling or friend who loses a special young person to hear that “the good die young.” There is nothing inherent in being good or young that causes or initiates death. People don’t need to be reminded their young person was good, they know it and it can cause deep anguish to be reminded that death came so soon.

Another hard thing to hear when you’ve lost someone prematurely is that they “are an angel now”. You cannot see, touch or hug an angel, so being an angel is no comfort to one who yearns to hug their child one more time. It is just another reminder of what they have lost. To tell people, “it was their time,” merely deepens the depth of the complexity and mystery. Though someone may eventually come to believe that a premature death was rightfully “their time,” it will never feel comforting.

When someone suffers for a long time, particularly if they are young, it’s natural to experience relief when their pain stops. When a young person dies after suffering, it is hard to hear, “it’s a blessing.” For the parent who loses a child after months or years of a cancer or disease ravaging their body, the loss will never be a blessing.

The best we can do when someone dies prematurely is to engage survivors in talking about them. A good way to begin consoling someone is to say, “tell me about him/her.” Invite them to share memories, their suffering, joys, and their grief with you. What grieving people want is to talk about the person who is gone, and however you can begin that conversation will be a help.

A useful resource for people struggling with premature death is Freddie the Fall Leaf, written by Leo Buscaglia. This children’s picture book is a valuable parable for people of all ages to reflect on the mystery of life and death. The fundamental message is that there is a time to be born and a time to die, that we all die, and that we need not fear death. Freddie is a leaf, curious about the mystery of how and why other leaves fall at varying times. He is afraid it will happen to him, so he hangs on too tight. Counseled by an older leaf, Daniel, Freddie lives through all the seasons with a silent fear of someday falling to the ground. Available on Amazon or any good bookstore, Freddie the Fall Leaf makes a wonderful addition to any child’s library or as a resource for grief counselors and parents.

“It is not length of life, but depth of life.”

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Understanding The Opioid Epidemic

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Understanding The Opioid Epidemic

Opioid-related deaths are tragic, there is no other word for it. The grief from such a loss is complicated and painful as sometimes families are unsure whether an overdose was accidental or intentional. As a funeral home it is always heart-rending for us to accompany these families through the funeral rites and bereavement process. For us, it has happened all too many times and so we join the challenge to understand and help put an end to this horrific epidemic.

Opioids include heroin, illicitly manufactured fentanyl, opioid-based prescription painkillers, and other unspecified opioids. “Opioid-related overdose deaths in Massachusetts increased by 5 percent in 2020 compared to 2019. In May of 2021, the Massachusetts Department of Public Health (DPH) posted month-by-month estimates for fatal opioid-related overdoses for all intents from October 2019 through March 2021. In 2020, there were 2,035 confirmed opioid-related overdose deaths and DPH estimates that there will be an additional 66 to 70 deaths. In the first three months of 2021, there were 99 confirmed opioid-related overdose deaths and DPH estimates that there will be an additional 368 to 447 deaths. Preliminary data from January to March 2021 show there were 507 confirmed and estimated opioid-related overdose deaths, an estimated 9 more deaths, which is a 1.9 percent increase compared to the first three months of 2020.” ( https://www.mass.gov/doc/opioid-related-overdose-deaths-among-ma-residents-may-2021/download )

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention described the increase in Opioid-overdose deaths in three waves:

The first wave began with increased prescribing of opioids in the 1990s, with overdose deaths involving prescription opioids (natural and semi-synthetic opioids and methadone) increasing since at least 19993.
The second wave began in 2010, with rapid increases in overdose deaths involving heroin 4.
The third wave began in 2013, with significant increases in overdose deaths involving synthetic opioids, particularly those involving illicitly manufactured fentanyl 5,6,7. The market for illicitly manufactured fentanyl continues to change, and it can be found in combination with heroin, counterfeit pills, and cocaine.8

( https://www.cdc.gov/opioids/basics/epidemic.html )

Although the American Medical Association identified addiction as a disease as early as 1990, too many people still view addiction as a character flaw, an inherent weakness. For us at Miles, we join the work of prevention to keep our families from this horrendous loss. We believe we must educate ourselves on the crisis, help to change attitudes about addiction, and care for those who suffer from addiction illnesses with compassion and competence. In whatever way you can, we implore you to join the fight against this epidemic. You might be saving the life of a member of your community, workplace, one of your children’s friends or a member of your own family.

We have a genuine and devastating epidemic of opiate abuse in this country, and it is of critical importance that this problem be addressed. But we must do so in a way that doesn’t cut off an effective (and often the only) treatment for the chronically ill, many of whom are able to function in this world at all only because of the small respite that responsible opiate use provides.” (Michael Bihovsky)

For more information on the Epidemic in Massachusetts: https://rizema.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/mtf-opioid-report-final.pdf “

The modern day funeral…

Thu, 26 Aug 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The modern day funeral…

Not so long ago it was customary to attend a funeral in a church, wear black, and pray for the soul of the departed. As we become more ethnically diverse and as the practice of formal religion declines, rituals to observe a person’s passing are changing. “The largely Christian population in the United States began declining between 2007 and 2014. During that time the number of people who self-identified as Christian fell a full 8 percent.” (Pew Research) Since then, the decline continues, while Eastern traditions and multi-faithed individuals increase. A growing number of people identify as multifaith, adhering to more than one religious tradition, such as a Buddhist-Christian. Death rituals of these individuals reflect the beliefs, ideas and elements of more than one tradition.

Expressions such as “Life Celebration” unheard of just 20 years ago, are now regularly used, but have no common meaning. A variety of rituals are listed in obituaries these days, namely, that there will be a memorial service, celebration of life, reception, or visitation with the family, and it will be taking place at a hall, church, restaurant, funeral home or other venue. The fact is that there is no universal structure for these and so it is impossible to know what to expect.

The motivations for gathering when a loved one has died have likewise shifted. In the past, funeral rituals focused on safe passage of the deceased to their new life. While this may remain one of the objectives in some services, the emphasis has shifted to highlighting the deceased’s life accomplishments and comforting the survivors. The eulogy has become the centerpiece of many services rather than the prayers. Rites for evangelical Christians still place a strong emphasis on Jesus’ gift of salvation to their loved one, while Buddhists and Hindus continue to emphasize the cycle of living and dying and living again. Some mourners rebel against any mention of the imperfect nature of their loved one, opting for rituals that focus on heaven already gained. For atheists or those who wish to focus solely on the humanity of a person without spiritual mention, secular funerals have also become popular.

As we continue to shift from a strongly religious society to a spiritual and sometimes wholly secular one, we will continue to experience changes in how we memorialize and bury our dead. There are excellent resources online to acquaint people with rites of memorialization and burial. So if you are attending a Buddhist, Jewish, Islamic or other religious ritual, you can certainly find a website to familiarize yourself with the rite and what is expected of mourners. For less traditional rituals bearing names like “Memorial Service”, “Life Celebration” or “Remembrance Ritual”, the structure and expectations are as individual as the people planning them.

Here is a good resource to become acquainted with the different religions and their customs surrounding death and burial:

https://religionmediacentre.org.uk/factsheets/death-funeral-rituals-in-world-religions/

“The purpose of funeral rituals varies between religions and is dependent on time and place. Historically the purpose of most religious funerals was to aid the deceased in their passage to the next life, and this remains an important factor for many. In more recent times, and in more secular funerals, the emphasis has shifted towards providing comfort and support for the bereaved.”

by Jennifer Uzell

Grief is seldom straightforward …

Thu, 19 Aug 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Grief is seldom straightforward …

The last thing a grieving person needs to hear is, “I know just what you are going through.“ Just because we may have had a similar loss, such as the death of a parent, spouse, best friend or child, it does not mean that we can identify with the feelings of others who have that same loss. Grief is complicated; two individuals can lose a spouse and experience the loss very differently. Examining the types of grief can illuminate the individuality of loss.

Normal grief is the most common. It is experienced by people who lose someone in the most usual and commonly desirable way, of old age. Both my parents died in their nineties and enjoyed good health until the end; there were no special circumstances that complicated the mourning process, my grief was normal, typical and uncomplicated.

Anticipatory grief is experienced when someone grieves the loss of a person before their physical death. I witnessed anticipatory grief many times when my office was located on a unit for people with dementia-related diseases. The children and spouses of residents regularly expressed anticipatory grief, feeling their loved one’s loss a little more each day. I experienced anticipatory grief when for nine months, I nursed a dear friend who was semi-conscious and slowly dying of a brain tumor. I grieved her loss months before her physical death.

In some circumstances, the opposite happens and the grief journey does not begin at the physical death. This is called delayed grief. During the Covid-19 Pandemic many people, who chose to postpone the rituals that accompany death and burial, experienced delayed grief. When there are circumstances surrounding a death that are unresolved, such as when a body is not recovered, it can result in delayed or unresolved grief.

Complicated grief is traumatic or prolonged. Death by suicide, homicide, natural disasters, mass shootings and events such as 9/11 are all examples of where grief is complicated. The public nature of such deaths, the unexpected shock, and the controversy that surround these types of death confound the grief.

Chronic grief happens when we get trapped in grief and there is little progress or healing. It can happen when a loss is too painful to face. When a death is hard to accept, chronic grief can act as a means of keeping a loved one alive. Unfortunately, it is a poor substitute and becomes a difficult emotional habit to break.

Cumulative grief is when the grief of a particular loss gets joined to another and perhaps even a third. In 2005 my cousin died at the age of 34, leaving behind twin toddlers with a genetic disease. Fourteen months later one of the twins died, seven months after, the remaining twin passed away. Losing his entire family within a two-year period, my cousin’s husband suffered from cumulative grief, unable to separate one loss from the other and destroying any normalcy in his life for years.

When grief becomes so suppressed it produces its own symptoms it no longer resembles grief, nor are the symptoms related to the specific death. This is known as masked grief. Physical, emotional and even spiritual symptoms can mask grief.

Grief is hard work and emotionally exhausting whatever the circumstance and form it takes. No matter what type of grief you suffer from, you own it, it is yours to understand, heal, and learn from. Death and grief are personal and intimate, which makes the statement, “I know just what you are going through,” so insensitive.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” (Elizabeth Kűbler-Ross)

If grief interferes with your daily functioning, it is good to consult a grief counselor.

Pet Loss

Thu, 12 Aug 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Pet Loss

Ask anyone how their pet is doing and whether it is a dog, cat, bird, turtle or hamster, it won’t take you long to conclude that their pet is a member of the family. Pets are vital to our daily routine, interact with us through play and verbal communication, and most importantly give affection and unconditional love— unless of course, you have a cat like my “MiMi and then everything is conditioned on her getting her daily “treat” on time.

Losing our animals to death is experiencing a loss in the family. Similar to losing a human, the loss of a furry friend brings grief, sadness, and a time of mourning. The nature of the grief is relative to the circumstance of the death. A pet’s loss can be sudden such as getting killed by a car, prolonged through illness, or some animals sensing it is their time to pass, leave without a good-bye, going elsewhere to die. At other times we may choose to relieve their suffering through euthanasia. Like any death, our immediate and extended reactions are unique to both the circumstance and the relationship we have enjoyed with our pet. The family member with whom the pet slept every night will grieve differently from a family member who lived out of the home but loved the animal deeply.

Whether we or someone we know has lost a pet, one mistake we can easily make is to assume that “it was only an animal”. This conclusion denies the reality that humans have loving relationships with animals. Such a repudiation does not allow us to express the sadness, grieve the loss or accommodate our daily lives without them. When we deny grief, whatever is lost, whether a job, home, relationship, person or animal, the grief remains in our heart until we acknowledge it. There it grows more powerful, beyond what is healthy. Unresolved grief tends to show up in horrid ways such as depression, hurtful actions or unwarranted anger. So the next time you encounter someone red-eyed, sad, and bereft over the loss of their beloved pet, please don’t minimize their pain.

Parents generally have a very good sense of what their children can handle intellectually and emotionally. It is best to guide a child through pet loss with the same wisdom, customs and process used for other difficult moments in their lives. It is important not to minimize their loss, as children have powerful relationships with their pets. Ritual helps children grieve and accept reality through concrete objects like symbols, actions, stories, music and even movies. A search of YouTube and the internet will produce many great resources to assist children in understanding loss and grieving their pet. There are also wonderful websites, books and YouTubes for adults suffering the loss of a beloved animal.

The family veterinarian or your local funeral home can assist you with an appropriate, loving disposal of your pet’s remains. Knowing that you have treated them with love will help you with the grieving process.

For me, the iconic tale The Rainbow Bridge continues to be one of the most cherished ways of comforting people who are grieving the loss of a pet. When I read it I imagine myself Doctor Doolittle, approaching the bridge encountering a kennel full of cats waiting for me to cross the bridge where I will forever enjoy their affectionate, unconditional love and MiMi will enjoy unending treats.

The Rainbow Bridge

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…. (Author unknown)

The wounded heart

Thu, 05 Aug 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The wounded heart

When I was fourteen years old my uncle took his life. It stunned my adolescent fear of the unpredictability of the world and greatly disturbed my religious practices and thoughts about eternal judgement. I witnessed lots of sympathy for his survivors but not much empathy, at the top of the list, a harsh and heartless response from the church. Because my uncle was deemed “lost” his body was not allowed in the church for the funeral, that image burned in my memory forever. Fifty-seven years later, I am encouraged that we have made some progress in our understanding, but we still have far to go. As with any complicated topic, the less we speak to it, the more illiterate we remain and the greater the opportunity for the myths to solidify as home-grown, dangerous fallacies.

More than anything, death by suicide reflects an illness “that takes a person against his or her will, the emotional equivalent of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack.” “Suicide is an illness and, as with any sickness, we can love someone and still not be able to save that person from death.” (Bruised and Wounded, kindle loc. 135)

Death by suicide is tragic and specific to each individual, but generally in suicide a person’s resilience is overcome by deep woundedness, not weakness. “The greatest stigma surrounding a suicidal death is that the person is selfish, arrogant, or weak. On the contrary most are deeply sensitive, kind, and loving people, whose pain is unbearable and they desperately need it to stop.”

I am neither a specialist on suicide nor a trained psychologist. I try not to oversimplify or glorify the actions of suicide, but rather I am just a human being who witnesses the stigma and lack of understanding added to the burden of survivors, especially parents who have lost a child to suicide. As such, I appeal to us to become more educated on this typically taboo topic. September is suicide prevention month; this gives us plenty of time to prepare a personal plan to explore the subject of suicide. Ways to increase our understanding may include attending a virtual class, reading an informative book or article, watching a few good TedTalks, or deep compassionate listening to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. With increased insight, we may help prevent a loss or reach out to survivors more comfortably, bridging the empathy gap.

With hopes of finding a compassionate, professional, and informative presentation that begins to destigmatize suicide, I viewed several YouTube videos. There were many good choices, but I chose a 14-minute personal, educational clip that addresses the most painful elements of survivors, loss and anger. Having lost two family members to suicide in a relatively short time, Rachel Brennan discusses the complicated process of forgiveness and how to make sense of such an unthinkable loss through scientific research. Rachel is in the field of clinical social work. Please take the time to view her video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reWmwCJ6VwA

“When you feel like giving up, just remember the reason why you held on for so long.”

– Unknown –

Learn more about suicide prevention at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/how-we-can-all-prevent-suicide/

What comes next? The mystery beyond.

Thu, 29 Jul 2021 04:00:00 GMT

What comes next? The mystery beyond.

I was born Easter Sunday, 1950 in the late afternoon. Had I known early that morning I would be leaving the comfort of my mother’s womb, had I seen even a small glimpse of what was to come, I may have chosen to stay put. But I didn’t know, and I am glad for that. So it is with my death, it is as mysterious as my pre-birth ignorance. I do not know the hour, the manner, or what follows this life, and I am glad for that, but like many people, the older I get, the more often I contemplate what’s next.

The questions “What is the pre-birth experience? and “Does our human nature transcend physical death?” are the grownup version of the young child’s questions, “Where did I come from?” and “What happens when I die? Although unanswerable, these mysteries have been the subject of culture, art, religion, and science for eons. Moreover, views about pre-birth and the afterlife shape our thinking, decisions and behaviors. What we believe about our pre-existence and the next step after death can have a deep impact on our moral code.

When death occurs, it is natural to think about what happens beyond this life. Indeed death rituals reflect the decedent and survivor’s views. The more pluralistic a society, the more varied the death rituals and corresponding belief systems. For an entirely Christian nation, morality codes and death rituals will be replete with the notion of heaven and hell. Where Hinduism and Buddhism are practiced, reincarnation impacts ideas about life and death. For example, the Caste system is easier to swallow when one believes we live more than one human life. As our nation becomes more pluralistic, the exclusivity of a Christian memorialization of death and a belief in a singular “heaven” is being joined with additional worldviews.

From caveman drawings to the works of Michelangelo, the afterlife is depicted as a place where life continues. Thus, many cultures surround or bury the deceased with food, and other essential items for the journey to the next world. The Irish believe the veil between this world and the next is thinnest around 4:00 A.M. and so they try to connect with their recently departed loved ones at that time. Christian belief in the communion of saints imagines a united community that includes the living and the dead. In recent years science has closely examined NDE (near death experiences) reviewing copious accounts of people whose hearts were arrested and then subsequently reported visiting a place of “light and peace,” commonly interpreted as “heaven.” The simple fact is that none of these practices can be proven through empirical observation. We may have faith in what we believe is next after human life, but like moving out of our mother’s womb at birth, we will have to wait to find out.

We do not know if human nature, soul, spirit, heart or an emotional bank pre-exist or survive physical death, but the mystery is worthy of serious examination. The next time a baby is born or a person you know dies, reflect on your beliefs and how these impact your daily living. Explore the theme of the afterlife in poetry, art, science, film, music or religious canons with which you are unfamiliar. No matter one’s chosen religion, spiritual experience or moral practice, a bereaved person finds themselves in the middle of the mystery of what comes next. There is a plethora of theories to explore and the journey can be very healing.

Einstein believed that the most beautiful emotion we can experience is “mystery.” While I never thought of mystery as an emotion, I concur with his assertion that ”anyone who is a stranger to the mysterious, who cannot any longer wonder or stand rapt in awe is as good as dead.”

Family conflicts after a death

Thu, 22 Jul 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Family conflicts after a death

Exasperated and frustrated, a family member recently asked me, “Why do people have to act out and be so nasty when going through a family funeral?” “I just need to know why!”

While I have never heard it said so bluntly, I have witnessed much dissention in families while navigating the funeral of a loved one, my own family included. While it is quite distasteful, it is not uncommon. Reflecting on this woman’s need to understand why, I came up with several possible reasons.

Death is blind to discord. Family dynamics and disputes do not abate just because there is a death.
Stress is the perfect ingredient to exacerbate and fuel family conflicts.
When there is a death in contentious families, unfortunately this is one more opportunity to disagree. Unless people can rally some lovingkindness and objectivity, it is nearly impossible for them to rise above their typical behaviors.
Some people are uncomfortable or fearful of feeling deep sadness. Anger masks their sadness. Because it feels like a stronger emotion to them, they unwittingly allow anger to supplant their sorrow. Unfortunately, anger is more readily turned outward and against others.
Some families of origin have left over competitiveness. If family members have not found a way to be generous with competing ideas, they can very easily revert back to childhood roles and behaviors. I once witnessed a family planning their mother’s funeral, attack each other using decades-old disputes.
More than anything else in life, death reminds us that we do not always have control. For people with control issues, a significant death can result in feeling powerless, causing them to be on their worst behavior.

If you find yourself in a tumultuous family situation while grieving the loss of someone you love, these strategies might help:

Hard as it is, try not to take words or actions personally. Most offensive behaviors are not reflective of the recipient, but rather of the offending individual.
Limit your exposure to people who upset you. Keeping peace in your heart is your prime responsibility.
Avoid old behaviors that don’t work, as Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”
Be gentle with yourself and others. Because each had a distinct relationship with the deceased, each of you is experiencing a unique loss. Attend to your own mental, physical, spiritual and emotional well-being with strategies that work for you.

If you would like to read more about how to handle conflict during grief, I recommend the following article: When Death Brings Out the Worst: Family Fighting After a Death by Litsa Williams

https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-fighting-after-a-death/

“All conflict can be traced back to someone’s feelings getting hurt, don’t you think?”

― Liane Moriarty, Big Little Lies

Who you are matters…

Thu, 15 Jul 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Who you are matters…

Why is pre-planning your funeral care a good thing? It is simple – because you matter. Pre-planning is a gift to yourself, your loved ones and most especially the people your life has touched. Pre-planning helps you focus on what is meaningful in your life now.

At the time of your death, the people who love you will want to honor you and will need to grieve. Pre-planning recognizes these needs and is your final gift to them. Some people think pre-planning is morbid; others fear that it costs too much, some are not sure what they believe about the afterlife and so don’t feel ready to pre-plan a celebration of their life. Whether you want cremation or burial, a ritual that honors your life story is crucial to those you leave behind who have shared that story with you.

The Funeral and Memorial Information Council (FAMIC) has created Have the Talk of a Lifetime, a program to help families have important conversations about the things that matter most to them and how a person can be remembered and honored in a meaningful way. Visiting their website, http://www.talkofalifetime.org/ is a good place to start thinking about your funeral care. There are also several good YouTube videos with sample conversations families have had to begin talking about their funeral care.

(https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=talk+of+a+lifetime)

Miles Funeral Home pre-need specialist Maureen Monahan says, “the biggest hesitation to pre-planning is because people don’t like to come to a funeral home, most people think of the sadness that happens here.” She continues, “people don’t know pre-planning is a laidback, enjoyable, story-telling time.” True, making an appointment to arrange for your funeral, makes you think of your death, but it should also make you think of your life and that you matter. I like the Talk of A Lifetime program because it recognizes the hallowed nature of a life before and beyond death.

Preplanning involves a number of things. According to Maureen, the most important is to provide the vital information needed for funeral care. “Basic information like family names, educational and work background, information needed for an obituary or to process a death certificate, are all recorded in the pre-planning process. This makes it so much easier for survivors arranging a funeral, as they often do not have that information readily available.”

Maureen sees pre-planning as a gift you give your family, who are relieved the decisions have been made. Whether the survivors are emotionally exhausted, or a strong-willed family member tries to control the process, having the decisions made by you, can eliminate a great deal of difficulty at a stressful time. Pre-planning your funeral care expresses you desires, paying for it gives the extra protection of having your desires met. It also locks in the price, so you will buy a 2021 funeral, that will not be needed say until 2031. When you pre-pay, the money does not go into the funeral home bank account – it goes into an escrow account. You remain the owner of the money, the funeral home is only the beneficiary. If you move to Florida and want to be buried there, the beneficiary changes to a funeral home of your choosing. You are the owner of your money and your money moves with you. A funeral home does not “get your money” until the time of death.

Pre-planning isn’t for everyone, but for those who have been thinking of it, previewing some of the Talk of A Lifetime videos or a call to Maureen at Miles (508-829-4434) will help you decide if it is something you would like to do.

“Normally we do not like to think about death. We would rather think about life. Why reflect on death? When you start preparing for death you soon realize that you must look into your life now… and come to face the truth of your self. Death is like a mirror in which the true meaning of life is reflected.”

Sogyal Rinpoche

The Tears of Grief

Thu, 08 Jul 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Tears of Grief

Several years ago when my uncle died suddenly, my aunt described her grief as “a black hole”. While the initial stages of her loss were made bearable by the rituals of the funeral, her deep faith, and the comfort of friends, she soon expressed that “when everyone got on with their lives, I felt like I fell into a black hole and couldn’t climb out.”

Grief is accompanied by many familiar emotions but are experienced in a distinct way because they are shrouded in loss. Because loss can be so intense, some of our commonly practiced strategies for dealing with pain fail us. Sadness is one emotion that when coupled with grief can result in overwhelming emptiness.

Life is a mixture of good times and not so good times, incredible challenges and incredible joys, profound happiness and deep sadness. Throughout life we find ways of managing, coping, and expressing each of these emotions. Sadness is one of the first emotions we are taught to manage. We lose our turn when playing a game, our pet dies, we cannot go to grandma’s house as planned and we are sad. Our earliest experiences with sadness set the stage for our ability later to cope with life’s disappointments and losses. Parents, guardians and teachers who help children develop creative, healthy ways to respond to feeling sad, are indeed giving them a much-needed lifetime tool. When I was sad as a child I read a book. This successfully took me away from my sorrow, transporting my mind and heart to another world. It didn’t matter what I read or even if there was greater desolation in the book than in my own life, the act of being released from a momentary grief helped me to readdress it later with more objectivity. This practice continues to serve me well. But when I suffered the grief of losing someone I loved very much, the last thing I wanted to do was read a book. Hence, we sometimes need to find a new strategy to cope with sadness as we grieve.

Sadness associated with grief is unique because death’s permanency is one of its most potent and present features. One woman I know who was willing to feel and face her sadness awarded herself a daily “tears time” in which she could retreat into her room and her heart and allow sadness to have its way with her. Sometimes she cried, other times she had a conversation with her sadness. What was brilliant about this is that she was also addressing the reality that, “what we resist, persists”. Another great thing she did was to monitor her time. “I knew”, she said, “if two years passed and I was spending an hour in my room crying every day, that I would need professional help.” Within a matter of months, she was only having “tear time” about once a week.

There is no prescribed approach or length of time for experiencing grief-associated sadness which is relative to each unique loss. Each of us must find an effective strategy to address grief’s sadness, one that expresses the pain of the loss and works toward dissipating it. Whether using a lifelong method used to cope with sadness or a strategy like “tears time” designed for temporary use, the healthiest thing we can do for the pain of loss is to address it head-on.

“There is a sacredness in tears… They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

Grief and Loneliness

Thu, 01 Jul 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Grief and Loneliness

When it comes to the list of things humans naturally rebuff, separation is right up there with loss. We don’t like either for the same reason, they create one of grief’s most dreaded effects: loneliness. Unfortunately, the yearning that comes with grief is not short-lived and can last a lifetime.

When someone we have deeply loved passes away we are confronted with the task of identifying and establishing a new relationship. Since we are sensory beings, we naturally ground relationships in the physical senses – hearing, seeing, feeling, even tasting. When someone dies and the physical self is no longer here, we can no longer rely on the senses to express or receive indication of the deceased’s presence and love.

For people who do not believe in a next world, the after-life relationship with their deceased loved one is built solely on the past. Connection with the deceased is experienced in memory, pictures, stories and conversations. A person who believes the journey ends with death is no less lonely for their loved one than one who believes life continues, how they cope with the loneliness is shaped through memory.

Some people believe in reincarnation, others that the spirit continues to live in another realm such as heaven. Some cultures and religious traditions believe in a direct connection between the deceased and the living, such as Catholic belief in the communion of saints or the Lakota Tribe belief that the deceased “walks on” but continues to be present in the survivor’s everyday life.

What we believe about life after death will strongly influence how we manage grief’s journey and its ensuing loneliness. Whether our lives are shaped by spiritual, religious or secular beliefs, through the grieving process we begin to position our loved one in our heart and everyday life. Healthy grieving acknowledges and addresses the loneliness and successfully establishes a new way of relating.

People we deeply love are irreplaceable, and they will forever remain in our consciousness and hearts. Rituals to honor a life well lived and acknowledge a person’s legacy are valuable antidotes to loneliness. Such rituals might include a personal memory altar in one’s home, the lighting of a candle at family celebrations, or a daily time to converse with the deceased just as you did when they were alive. Performing random acts of kindness in their name, volunteering for a cause they believed in, or having an annual fund-raiser to benefit those in need, can counter the pain of loneliness.

Wherever you are on grief’s journey, respect your loneliness, it is a strong reminder of the love you continue to feel for someone who remains in and with you.

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”

― Thomas Campbell –

“Grief is a sign that we loved something more than ourselves.” (Joan Chittister)

Thu, 24 Jun 2021 04:00:00 GMT

“Grief is a sign that we loved something more than ourselves.” (Joan Chittister)

We experience loss the minute we are born and lose the comfort and protection of our mother’s womb. Thus it continues throughout life, as hardly a day passes without loss palpable in some way. Loss is an integral part of nature, offering both helpful and harsh bursts, signaling unbearable pain or incredible growth. Whether losing a tooth, a job, a precious item, a friendship or a loved one, we humans are no strangers to loss. Whether loss ends in defeat or is the impetus for new growth, most people cringe when they sense loss coming. Loss inevitably brings change, which can be unsettling, thrusting us into unknown territory.

Grief is the normal reaction to loss from death. Despite our relentless relationship with loss, grief that accompanies death places us temporarily in a space where time passes differently and brain fog is common as we sort out what’s real and navigate uncharted, rough waters. When we lose someone we love, despite our resilience with loss, we can find grief overwhelming. Each person’s grief is distinct. Members of a family do not experience the loss of a beloved member the same way. Siblings do not mourn their parents the same and each spousal loss grieves a unique, unrepeatable love-story. Unfortunately, there is no “how-to manual” mapping the direction, the path or journey’s end.

Grief is not a straightforward path, not even a nice circle. It is more like a dance that you make up as you go along. Dancing is a universal ritual. Sometimes, in an effort to discover the best steps, we must create our own moves. Grief can be like this, causing us to feel out of step until we are confident enough to glide shamelessly across the dance floor. Healthy grieving results in a newly developed relationship with someone we loved who is no longer physically present, but remains in our consciousness, memories, hearts and traditions.

Because each relationship is different, each path to securing our new relationship with the deceased will be different. Grieving usually doesn’t follow a neatly prescribed process of stages or tasks. But I do find J. W. Worden’s four tasks of grieving helpful: accept the loss, acknowledge the pain of the loss, adjust to a new environment and reinvest in the reality of a new life. It is important to realize these are not sequential, linear, or accomplished on a given timeline, but rather each of these tasks help us adapt to a new normal.

Grief is hard work. I advise you to travel the road with companions and that you be gentle with yourself. Wherever you are on grief’s journey, I invite you to join us for a seminar to reflect on the nature of grief, this Saturday, June 26th. Pre-registration is necessary.

“Grief is love not wanting to let go.”

Earl A. Grollman

_______________________

The Journey of Grief: Finding Your Way, Healing Your Spirit

Pamela Reidy, Director of Community Education, Miles Funeral Home

Saturday, June 26, 2021, 1:00-2:30 p.m.

Holden Senior Center – 1130 Main Street, Holden

Seating is limited. Seminar is free and open to the public.

Light Refreshments will be served.

Please call (508) 829-4434 or (978) 422-0100 to reserve your spot.

Why pre-plan my funeral arrangements?

Thu, 17 Jun 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Why pre-plan my funeral arrangements?

A few days ago when my cousin learned I was working at Miles Funeral Home she said, “O, I have been meaning to go there and pre-plan my arrangements; I’ve got to get to that.” I cannot count the number of times someone has said something similar to me, and like my cousin, they just keep putting it off. I was one of them until a few years ago when my procrastination was stressing me out more than the idea of going to a funeral home. Needless to say, I did it, and Miles made it so easy, I would even characterize it as “enjoyable”.

I am no stranger to talking about life and death; what I didn’t realize was the great opportunity pre-planning my death care would offer to talk about what matters now, in my living. When my friend and I made our final arrangements it was a conversation about what is important to us now, not simply our death care. We spoke of our philosophy, what makes us happy, what makes life meaningful. That day, I learned that talking about what truly matters to you is where memorializing you begins.

Another thing I hadn’t realized is that my after-life arrangements are not for me, so what I wanted was not really important. I walked into the funeral home sure of what I did and didn’t want, I left having arranged what will help my best friend heal and begin a healthy grieving process. I left grateful for the education, the countless options, the freedom to choose something that satisfied my philosophy, honor my life and took care of the person I most love.

I entered the conversation saying, “I definitely don’t want a wake or visitation”. It seemed unnecessary, over the top, a waste of people’s time and money. Then the funeral director asked my best friend with whom I have lived for almost 50 years, “Pauline, if Pam dies before you, will it be easier for you to receive people’s sympathies one-on-one, like in the supermarket or through a phone call, or would you rather have a couple of hours, when you are available and they come to you in those hours?” Without hesitation she said, “the latter”. The thought of meeting people, being taken off guard, having to face it over and over without warning, was too much for her. What if it is a tough day, and they don’t know it, and they meet her in the market and say, “I am so sorry, I heard about Pam?” So, you can guess what happened, without any hesitation I said, “Well then, I guess I am having a wake.” This was only one of the revelations I had during the pre-planning process. Had I known how much I would learn, how good I would feel about my life, and how easy it is to pre-plan one’s funeral arrangements, I would have attended to it long before I did.

No one, not even death care professionals, relish the thought of their own death. Thankfully, we are hard-wired to live. The best part of pre-planning is that when the time does come to honor your life, those responsible for your death care, will be grateful and relieved that they are doing things exactly as you would want! Pre-planning gives you ultimate control and the last word.

In future blogs, I will offer some basic information about the pre-planning process. Miles Funeral Home has an excellent director who specializes in pre-need, Maureen Monahan. She can be reached at 508-829-4434. You can also find out more or begin the online process on our website.

Should I bring my child to a funeral?

Thu, 10 Jun 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Should I bring my child to a funeral?

During a casual conversation recently, a neighbor told me her father died when she was ten years old. I offered my sympathy, remarking how hard that must have been for her. She said, “It was a blessing.” “He was very sick and what I remember most was being at the funeral home for the wake and viewing.” She went on to describe a ten-year-old’s memory of dancing in the funeral home, blowing him kisses and seeing the adults around her smiling, laughing and telling great stories. She remembers brightly colored posters and pictures. Then she said, “It was such a good first experience in a funeral home that nothing has ever matched it and every time I go to a wake, I feel sad for the family, because theirs is not the celebration mine was. “It was only recently”, she said, “that I went to a wake for a town official and had a similar experience with pictures, stories, and a line full of people making the family feel better.”

It is challenging to help children through loss. Whether to include a child in attendance at public funeral events is a decision best made considering the child’s maturity, worldview, and relationship to the deceased. My neighbor’s anecdote validates that there is a right way to approach death care with children.

Children grieve when they lose a friend, a pet, when they move to a new school or when a person they know dies. Their need to process the emotions is no less than it is for adults. Public rituals such as a family visitation, church service, burial or celebration of life, help children acknowledge the loss, feel the emotional pain, and take the next step to healing. Excluding them on the basis that it is a sad time, or difficult task, shortchanges them. Leaving them at home as you face the loss, can make them feel isolated, sad and angry. When it is a close death, such as a parent or sibling, keep in mind you only have once chance to get it right. Some children have spent years resenting the fact that they never got a chance to say good-bye or were left out of a significant family moment. Funeral Directors are experts on death care and drawing on their rich experience is a good idea when grappling with the best way to help your child. The answer to questions such as: should I bring my child to a viewing, should my child go to the public service or the cemetery depends on the child and the circumstance. The expertise of a funeral director and your parental wisdom can guide you. Some funeral homes also have grief experts or community educators who can help.

Death education is easier when a child attends the wake or funeral of someone they knew casually. This gives them a chance to get “the lay of a land” particularly if in a funeral home or cemetery. However, if the death is someone with whom they were close, work with the funeral director to create the best possible situation. Bringing children in for private time with a deceased loved one is done regularly, then leave it up to the child if they want to remain for public events. Some families have chosen to bring their children to the cemetery a week or so later, giving parents the time they need to recover from the initial shock and exhaustion. The death of a peer is another matter, it can be a good strategy to bring small groups of children together, so they have support and a ready-made network to process the experience afterwards. Another solution is to bring a group of peers together in an alternate setting at a later time to discuss the nature of death and share their memories of their friend. A school-aged child should always be asked what they want to do.

Children are too young to attend a public ceremony when they cannot identify, therefore process, what is happening, even if age-appropriate language and explanations are used. If a child cannot conform to the required conduct, it’s an indication they are too young. Children follow their parents lead and often lurk around listening to adults processing grief or talking “funeral”. If you are confident, compassionate and caring, they will be. If you are unsure and reticent, it is a flashing alert for them to enter “fear” mode. Whatever your decision, you communicate your attitude and fears, and they act accordingly. Check yourself to ensure your decision is in their best interest, not yours. Many parents have said they do not want to bring their child to a viewing or funeral, “Because my child has not seen or experienced death yet.” With the amount of death and violence depicted both on the news and action adventure shows, you can be sure your child has heard and witnessed death.

There is no “one size fits all” approach for determining the best strategy with a child. It is instinctive to want to “protect” your child from anything sad or difficult, and certainly death falls into this category, but do not let your distress drive your decision. Balancing parental wisdom with the sound advice of death care professionals will help you determine, like my neighbor’s family did, the best way to help a child through the loss.

Talking to Children about Death

Thu, 03 Jun 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Talking to Children about Death

Craig was 8 years old and dying of leukemia after months of failed treatments. His brother was two years older. I was the parish religious educator, so it was natural for Craig’s mother to ask me to explain death to Craig’s brother. The book Freddy The Fall Leaf by Leo Buscaglia, was my starting point. Appropriate for ages 4 through 94, this classic tale follows Freddie and his friends as they pass through autumn and tumble to the winter ground. It is beautifully illustrated, skillfully told, and at the time it helped me navigate a difficult conversation with Craig’s brother.

Since then, I have learned a thing or two about introducing children to death. Now I would coach mom or a close relative to have the conversation with Craig’s brother, rather than talk to him myself. There are certain subjects that are best presented by parents, the primary educators of their children. Parents need not be the perfect communicator, a child psychologist, theologian or thanatologist to do a good job. When speaking of death with a child, one must have the child’s confidence, be knowledgeable, comfortable and compassionate. Parents are accustomed to talking to their children about life, and so it should be with death. There is no substitute for familial love when exploring the complexities of life and death.

Death is a normal part of life and should be approached as such. The ideal situation is for parents to educate their children during the ordinary days of life, meaning when someone dies may not be the best time to approach this topic. When a pet dies, the leaves fall, when a prominent death dominates the news, even when a flower dies and produces seeds, these are all perfect occasions to broach the subject of death and rebirth. A perfect time is in the early morning when snuggling in bed. The day is brand new and though it seemed the dark of the previous night ended everything, here it is beginning all over again. Lesson one: Death always begins something new for both the deceased and those who remain.

The younger the child, the greater their capacity to wonder, dream and believe. Children are adept at using intuition and instinct to draw conclusions about the world around them. Thus, they are usually more comfortable in the world of the unknown than we are. When teaching children about death capitalize on their natural curiosity and affirm their fascination for the unknowable. Death education should be congruent with the philosophy already applied in teaching other subjects. These could be tenets of religion, spiritual practices, the arts, literature or nature’s ever-present cycle of living and dying and rebirth. Despite the vast knowledge science provides, there remains something of the mystical in life, including birth, love, human individuality, weather, illness and death. There is so much we do not know and parents have instinctively already adopted an approach to draw upon.

One guiding principle for discussing opacities with children is not to teach anything that will need to be untaught later. For example, teaching a child that the stork brings a baby, will ultimately become impractical and require reteaching. Do not give more information than a child is looking for, it confuses the issue and they don’t hear beyond what they ask. Until early adolescence children are concrete thinkers, seeing things in black and white. Because many of the concepts of death are intangible, it impossible for children to understand its nuisances and circumstances. Listen carefully to their questions and do not go beyond what they are asking. Small doses of information over several conversations is better for any complex subject.

When talking to a child about a death that has already occurred, consider their relationship to the deceased. A parent’s death requires more cautious conversation than a neighbor’s passing. Since each death is unique, information shared should be tailored to the loss and the child’s reaction to it. When the peer of a child dies, it may be more important to address the fear associated with the lack of control that death brings, than to address the unanswerable question of why some people live longer than others. When a friend dies unexpectedly, a child may be wondering if they are next and become afraid to leave you or go to sleep. Giving a child confidence and control in this case is more important than any attempt to explain why death has occurred.

There is a plethora of information for helping children with death and loss. Judging what is best to share requires knowing your child, understanding the situation at the time of your discussion and shrouding the conversation in confidence and love. Above all, having the conversation before it is needed is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your child.

Autumn’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Thu, 27 May 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Autumn’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Dear One,

I am the season that best empathizes with your loss. I am known as the season of harvest abundance and beauty, but the hint of loss is ever present as my summer breeze cools, tree leaves die, and my days shorten. More than any season my forfeiture is obvious, out there for all to see; so I appreciate how vulnerable and frail loss can cause you to feel. But my season also holds many wonders and much wisdom. Pumpkin patches, harvest moons, beautiful foliage, finding your way through a corn maze, these are some of my attractions. Remember to treat yourself to such pleasures which are healing balm for the soul.

Mine is a season of change, transition and harvest. My beauty can so readily capture your eyes and my crisp winds can so easily enliven your senses, that you could overlook my special wisdom: harvest and loss can co-exist in peace. My superpower is harvesting what spring and summer have produced, securing it for the coming winter. Watching migrating geese and squirrels make ready amidst autumnal change is a comforting reminder that death naturally readies the soul for its next season. In the seasons of life and death, there is both beauty and loss.

The sacred rhythm of the changing leaves are quite mystical as they unveil the dying process. Some leaves fall before their full color appears; others hang on through brother winter. Death is like that; it finds some people earlier than others. My leaves, like people can get so incredibly beautiful before they die. Most importantly, leaves teach us how to let go. Some leaves let go early in the season, decomposing willingly, knowing the importance of their offering to blanket the soil so it will become fertile. Others, staying longer, display their beauty as if to remind us of the majesty of life. Do not fall prey to the misbelief that as my leaves fall to the earth, there is nothing left for them to give, no purpose. So it is with grief, it has its purpose, embrace it.

Autumn has taught me a thing or two, so I offer this advice:

Loss and new life are intrinsically linked. Open yourself to each lesson grief is here to teach you. Though it can be hard, embrace autumn’s hope.
Seek peace by facing death. Meditate on loss as you witness my season move through its great harvest and prepare the planet for the dark night of its soul, winter.
There is both beauty and loneliness in grief, wisdom honors both.
Grieving is hard emotional work. Be gentle with your heart, respect your grief, as it harvests its own fruits.
Death lies fallow in the eyes of some beholders, in the eyes of others, it is busy preparing for rebirth.

The beauty of the lush green forest enjoyed by the summer hiker is yet more beautiful with the manifold red, orange, and gold which in autumn decorate the same trail. This bountiful scene gives way to stark, barren trees that highlight winter snows, as the cross-country skier finds this winter scene as magnificent as the summer hiker. This annual rhythm of change does not seem to scare us, for we have come to know each season’s beauty. So it shall be with death and grief.

Lovingly,

Mother Earth

Summer’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Thu, 20 May 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Summer’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Dear grieving heart,

Summer has taught me a thing or two, so I offer this advice:

Vacations are an opportunity to let things lay fallow, even grief. A respite from anything gives the heart a fresh perspective.
Often the very thing we resist is the very thing we need. It is also true that what we resist, persists. These maxims help you move with your grief not against it.
Life can scorch you. Sunblock your heart from emotions and people that can char it. You know who and what these are, so protect your grief.
Grief’s journey takes you over many waters. A lake’s water can be as smooth as glass or as choppy as percolating coffee; each is necessary to revitalize it, so it is with your heart.

“Even as you grieve, allow light to seep through the cracks, uplift, and illuminate a healing. Baby turtles emerge from the cracking of shells; new life can burst forth”.

-Laura Staley-

Spring’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Thu, 13 May 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Spring’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Dear One,

I am here to remind you that everything that dies is reborn.

No matter how hard it is to jolt your broken heart back to life, with tender care and careful attention to the memories planted deeply in your heart, winter’s heaviness will pass, and you will come to life again. It is normal for emotions to be erratic, cause overwhelming exhaustion and a sleepiness of the soul. For eons I have awakened slumbering animals, bird, twigs, even the soil itself. Some things resist the rousing, so I sympathize with how hard it can be to manage the growth spurts of grief. I assure you, restoration is my best work. From the soaking rains to the fickle frosty days chased by summer-like ones, I am renewal incarnate. I promise that what is deep in the earth’s darkness, will bud and flourish.

People never die, only their bodies do. I can help you build that new relationship with the person whose body is gone, but spirit is alive. I am accustomed to watching the mighty oaks lose their leaves and grow beautiful new ones again. Although my trees never look quite the same, their essence never changes. Dear grieving heart, it is good to consider that your loved one was so much more than a body. Their heart and soul, thoughts, personality, talents and actions defined them and are eternal. The work of grief is to place these securely in your memory and heart, so as to enjoy them forever. Remember to treat yourself to the pleasures of memory for these are healing balm for the soul.

When a springtime storm surprises you, know that it can be both destructive and restorative. It is complex, but new life is often brought about through what seems devastating. Like a storm, grieving can be frightful, so be gentle with yourself. Honor your grief, for it too has its seasons and needs time.

Springtime rebirth has taught me a thing or two, so I offer this advice:

Good days and bad days are not to be judged as better or worse, each has renewal and healing.
Grief makes you tired, especially the labors of the heart. Water the drought in your heart by getting outside and uniting with all that is struggling to come back to life.
Breathe, breathe deeply, taking in the scents of freshly mown grass and spring rains. Deep breathing is a natural relaxant.
I have so many beautiful things to see, do not let grief shut your eyes.
Renewal and restoration take time, be patient with yourself.
Expect the springtime storms in your heart, but do not fear them.
Let your heart be roused and permit the sadness to find its way to your mouth. Sharing grief, lessens its hold on you. Like trees that share the same water source, a good friend who has suffered loss, can help you enjoy newly blossomed flowers.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er fraught heart and bids it break.

Shakespeare, Macbeth IV, iii, 209

Lovingly,

Mother Earth

Winter’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Thu, 06 May 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Winter’s Guidance for the Grieving Heart

Dear One,

I empathize with your loss. I re-live loss each year as cold winds blow in to shorten and darken my days. For eons I have known desolation at the demise of my flowers, vegetables, fruits and leaves. No matter how many years a cold wind has chilled my heart, it still causes an overwhelming void when my animals, fish and insects go into hibernation. At these times, I consider the big picture, realizing the balance I need to endure. I have learned that when my heart is cold, it is good to flood it with happy memories. Spending time with children and listening to songs of the birds warm my heart.

When darkness surrounds me, I sit where I can see the rising stars to lighten the heaviness of the night. Sometimes, I get caught in a deep, dark hole, perseverating about all I have lost. I yearn for the leaves on my trees, the strong rays of sun, for ripening fruit and watching my children soak in my best offerings. When darkness engulfs me I try to lighten things up, not forgetting the unseen. So much happens in the dark, important things, evolutionary things. Do not disregard the germination taking place in the darkest places.

It’s easy to get bored when I am dismal, depression can certainly settle in when I look so bleak. Be careful though as hibernation and being sedentary can be hazardous. If this happens, try borrowing a bit of summer’s “get up and get going” attitude.

Dear grieving heart, it is good to remember that no matter how heavy your heart, there is always beauty around you. I am magnificent in the early morning when Father Sun glistens off new fallen snow. Remember to treat yourself to such pleasures which are healing balm for your soul.

Grieving is hard work, be gentle with your heart, honor your grief, for it needs time, and it too has its seasons. Eons of winter grieving has taught me a thing or two, so I offer this advice:

Give your slippery, slushy heart a break. I promise no matter how intensely your grieving heart hurts, it will not freeze to death.
Feeling muddled is part of grief. The numbness you feel will melt when my sister springtime arrives, you will not feel this way forever.
The blustery whipping shifts of emotion will die down, the unexpected weeping for your loved one will one day become a cherished whisper.
For now, brace yourself against the wind, sit by the fire with a cup of tea or a glass of wine and know that this too will pass. I am only one season of four. Take comfort in the resilience of my trees, flowers, rivers, and mountains.

“Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows, lies the seed that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose.”

(The Rose, Bette Midler)

Lovingly,

Mother Earth

Let the seasons lead your grief journey.

Thu, 29 Apr 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Let the seasons lead your grief journey.

Last week Massachusetts experienced classic springtime weather. I lightheartedly put a meme on my Facebook page that read “I’m ready for the rest of this week. I have my umbrella, my flip flops, my mittens, my suntan lotion, my winter coat, my sunglasses, my thermals, my iced tea and my hot chocolate”. In a matter of hours, I hiked through a winter wind chill of 12° and 72° heat that brought sweat to my brow. I couldn’t help but observe the similarities between this fickle weather and a soul finding its way through loss. A grief-stricken heart can shift just as swiftly as New England weather.

My first significant death was in December, but it was nine months later, in the autumn when I began to struggle with that loss. Winter, spring and summer had held the shock for me, shielding me from feeling death, then autumn came and thrust me into the precious, perilous work of grief. The falling leaves, shorter days, the occasional chill in the blowing wind, each a painful reminder that life as I had known it had ended. For every leaf that fell, another tear found its way down my cheek. Raking dead leaves was a stark, painful prompt of how cruel life could be. It took many more autumns for me to understand that those decaying leaves play a vital role in helping the earth protect itself for the rebirth that follows in the spring.

Dean Aitken, ‘Good Grief’

Each season’s lessons for the grieving heart will be explored in the next four blogs.

Funeral Etiquette: The Wake, Calling Hours, Visitation

Thu, 22 Apr 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Funeral Etiquette: The Wake, Calling Hours, Visitation

My earliest recollection of attending a “wake” was going next door to console the family of my elderly neighbor who was “laid out” in the living room. Since I visited this woman daily to bring in her mail, run errands to the library, or listen to her stories, I found it comforting and natural that her wake was held at her house. As it was my first funeral experience, and a bit unusual, I am glad my parents took the time to explain the purpose of visiting a grieving family, how to speak to the bereaved and even grateful that they made me dress in my best clothing (Sunday best!). It would be another sixty years before I was to attend a wake in a private home. However unique it was, my first experience laid a good foundation for funeral etiquette.

Some people call it a “wake”, others a “viewing”, “calling hours” and still others use “visitation”. When the body is present and a mourner is attending to say one last good-bye to the deceased it is “a viewing”, when the body isn’t present, or someone didn’t know the deceased but wants to personally offer condolences to survivors, “calling hours” or “visitation” is used. The Irish brought the term “wake” to prominence. The Irish wake is a “last party” to celebrate the deceased; there is as much gaiety as sadness. As with any tradition assimilated in a new culture, elements of the Irish wake have found their way into the more the formal settings of visitation hours at a funeral home.

The physical setting of an event determines the rules, policies and procedures. Whether a gathering takes place in the church, a funeral home or a restaurant, the environment sets the guidelines. Visitation typically is held in a funeral home, although more recently there has been an opportunity for some families to use their church. Wherever funeral ceremonies are held, a participant’s behavior should reflect the tone of what is taking place and the decorum required at the venue.

Visitation periods in a funeral home have taken on a less melancholy tone. The days of wearing black clothing and piped-in dirge music have been replaced with favorite musical selections of the deceased and attire of many colors. Some norms remain unchanged, and some new ones need to be employed. The etiquette while waiting in line to console a bereaved family is more somber than waiting in line at McDonald’s for a hamburger. When attending any ceremony at a funeral home, one should follow the direction of the staff. It is never appropriate to be talking on your cell phone or drinking your favorite Dunkin brew as you wait in line or attend a ceremony. Lively or loud children should be lovingly guided to an appropriate area where their unbounded energy is not disruptive, and don’t forget to turn electronics to silent mode whenever someone is speaking publicly.

Honoring the decedent and comforting the survivors are considered sacred acts that require a dignity that signifies our full presence and attention.

How to write a condolence note

Thu, 15 Apr 2021 04:00:00 GMT

How to write a condolence note

The Covid pandemic has greatly reduced in-person opportunities to offer sympathy to the bereaved, thus written condolence messages have taken on a vital role. In last week’s blog I reviewed Liz Tichenor’s book, The Night Lake: A Young Priest Maps The Topography of Grief citing a few direct quotes. One quote reveals the importance of writing a good note.

“The shit people sent in cards very nearly drove me over the edge, pouring acid into my broken-open heart. At the same time, the love people sent in cards was saving my life. Neither of these statements is the slightest exaggeration.” (pg. 44 )

Condolence notes, either in a sympathy card or a personal note, express concern, support, and affection. We write to remind people that we are thinking of them, we are there for them, and that they are not alone. A condolence note is usually not the place to grapple with the mysteries of death or unanswered, shocking realities. Though it is healing for a grieving person to read the impact the deceased made on you, be sure to keep the focus on the deceased, not on yourself.

It is natural to try to make someone feel better, however, be careful when offering your advice or philosophical viewpoints on a death. Reflecting on a note she received from a parishioner, Liz Tichenor validates how easily well-intentioned advice or ideas can backfire. Her congregant was attempting to offer religious comfort to her minister about the death of Liz’s 4-week-old baby, here’s how it went:

Written Note: “We each have some earthly task to do, and when it is done, we go home…. Some ripen young; some take a long time to do it.”
Liz’s reaction: “I was appalled, furious, Fritz did not “ripen”; he had not completed his “earthly task”, I thought, seething. How could anyone say that his time was enough?”

Certainly, there were condolence messages that comforted Liz. Among these was the person who wrote, “Call, email, write, or don’t be obligated to reply at all.” Liz reacted: “She expected nothing of me, and I was grateful.”

What we really want a condolence note to communicate is that we connect with a grieving person’s broken heart. Liz perfectly conveys the impact:

“ I could hear between the lines, some actually allowed this death to break their hearts, allowed it to rend them into bewildering grief. They didn’t have to be here, yet they were choosing to join me.”

Liz writes at length about a condolence letter she received from her mother’s cousin, Carl. In it he shared concern, shock, and confusion, but his words communicated a solidarity of the heart which Tichenor concludes is the key ingredient in a condolence note.

Debating at length the manifold style and format of sympathy cards, Liz says, “No amount of gaudy rhinestones and glitter and butterflies could undermine the potency of this sacrificial accompaniment people didn’t have to suffer, but they were deciding to, choosing to be with us in the exile of this dark place.” Similar to the condolence note, it isn’t the beauty or words on the card; it’s the perceived solidarity.

It is not solutions, advice, platitudes, or spiritual philosophies that a grieving person needs, it is accompaniment into the sad, dark, lonely spaces in their heart. The best condolence note communicates the writer’s willingness to go there.

Grow through what you go through

Thu, 08 Apr 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Grow through what you go through

Every person has a story, their own personal life journey. Some lives are simpler than others and surely some people endure more suffering than life should allow. Funeral and spiritual care professionals witness suffering daily. Having worked for some time both these areas, I conclude that the only good that comes from deep suffering is the wisdom it yields.

I recently took part in a webinar featuring Liz Tichenor and I immediately had to know more of her story. That day I purchased and began reading her recently published book The Night Lake: A Young Priest Maps The Topography of Grief. Liz’s book teaches a great deal about grief. She didn’t set out to teach anything, she started by writing a journal which morphed into an autobiographical account of the two tragic losses she experienced within months. Soon after she was ordained an Episcopal priest in her late twenties, her mother died by suicide and sixteen months later her forty-day-old baby Fritz died unexpectedly.

Liz’s retelling is raw. It reinforces that grief is unique to a specific loss and that one must find their way through the pain the best they can. There is no pill, magic potion, or straightforward path to walking with grief. She illustrates beautifully that the path is more often a stagger than a saunter. Despite her religious training and deep faith, Liz faces her losses with the same fear, anger, confusion and pain as anyone tossed unexpectedly into grief’s baffling journey.

The Night Lake is written not as a text or primer on loss and grief, but as a story in which the reader is easily caught up. I wept, laughed and cheered this passionate and compassionate lady through some mighty tough moments. In recounting what those around her said and did, Liz is brutally honest about what does and does not help a grieving person. In sharing the thoughts in her head as she struggled to get through her daily routine, Liz normalizes what a grieving person sometimes fears is unhealthy or unacceptable thinking. I found it impossible to read this book and not join my heart to hers.

Liz’s writing is honest, engaging and informative. Here is a sampling:

“I did not know if life could return after something as terrible as Fritz’s death. I simply did not know.”

“There was no making sense of what was before me…”

“I couldn’t sit still. Fritz had been dead for ten days and sitting in one place, arms empty was agonizing, terrifying. The cortisol was still pumped; I was ready for whatever crisis might befall us at any given moment. I was anxious, in overdrive.”

“The shit people sent in cards very nearly drove me over the edge, pouring acid into my broken-open heart. At the same time, the love people sent in cards was saving my life. Neither of these statements is the slightest exaggeration.”

“The sight of a breathless baby would never leave me.” “And so I tried to reach for my dear ones this day. I told them that Fritz’s death still broke me. I told them I still needed their love.”

I strongly recommend this memoir, not because it soothes the bereaved, but because it does not. There are plenty of books on the market to help the grieving person feel better, but this one in its truthful telling, uncovers how to grow through what you go through.

The Healing Capacity of Journaling

Thu, 01 Apr 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Healing Capacity of Journaling

I have twenty-three personal journals, written at various stages and experiences of my life. By far the one I return to more than the others is the one I kept for nine months during the final days and death of a close friend. At the time it was a means to cope and to manage stress, now it is a wellspring of wisdom and hope to which I return whenever I grieve the loss of someone I love.

Journaling is often recommended by therapists and clergy as a healing activity along grief’s journey. Journaling requires no special technique, level of education, or requisite style. A journal is a place to share the deepest part of oneself, and then step back to see our inner thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. In a journal we can write poems, stream of consciousness entries, night dreams, daydreams, record words or ideas that inspire us or keep a testament of memories and reactions. When grief becomes overwhelming, as it often can, a journal provides a place to leave it, so we can experience an essential respite.

If you have difficulty putting pen to paper, one method I like is proprioceptive writing, a technique I learned years ago. Based on the science that there are receptors in the brain that respond to Baroque music, composed from 1600 to 1750 this type of free flow writing is helpful for getting at some of our deepest thoughts, and it is so relaxing. Music by composers such as Bach, Vivaldi, and Handel are among my favorites.

The proprioceptive “write” is simple. Using a blank page, begin the music and start writing whenever you feel moved to start. Begin with a single word. Then do not write again, until you write a sentence. The word or sentence do not matter, these are only initiators of the brain’s work. I let the word describe what I hear in the music. My sentence usually has no purpose, rhyme or reason. Once you have done these two steps, free write for twenty minutes, finishing up your current thought at that time. After reading your entry, take as long as you like answering in writing these two questions: “How do I feel now?” and “What story am I telling?” Finish up by reading your entry aloud. I learned this process using blank sheets of paper but keeping entries in a book makes it easier to review and reflect on your journey.

Another approach to writing through your grief is to purchase a journal, specifically designed for this purpose. Several can be purchased on Amazon, such as journals for the death of a spouse, parent, friend, or general loss. One advantage to this type of journal is the writing prompts to address areas for healing. I recently purchased a grief journal called “The Good Mourning Journal”. It contains wonderful prompts, but the print is exceedingly small, and it needs to be purchased from Canada, so it took more than a month to arrive.

Choosing the best method and journal improve the experience. The journal I used for the loss of my friend several years ago was lined and spiral bound for ease of use. Whatever method, no matter the type of journal, a commitment to writing on a regular basis will help the healing process. If it causes you stress to write, this is not the method for you to work through your grief. Writing can be pleasurable and cathartic, even though it raises your pain to the surface.

Writing gives us a place to welcome more than the rational. It opens the door to inspiration. It opens the door to God or, if you would to “Good Orderly Direction.”

Writing is a spiritual housekeeper. Writing sets things straight, giving us a sense of our true priorities.

Julia Cameron – The Right to Write

Writing a Eulogy

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Writing a Eulogy

When a friend recently passed away, my first thought was, whoever is selected to eulogize her will have one tough job, because her life impacted so many diverse people and charities, not to mention the plethora of awards she received throughout her lifetime. Her best friend did the honors and though it was extemporaneous, she delivered what I consider, the perfect eulogy. She clearly understood the difference between a eulogy and merely telling stories about our friend. A eulogy takes a broad view, and while it is personal, it goes beyond the eulogist’s private relationship with the deceased. When a speaker talks at a memorial or funeral service it is their personal perspective, but a eulogist is tasked with presenting a shared story, reflecting on the commonly held experience of the deceased.

With many memorial services now taking place outside a church setting, without a prescribed liturgy, rites and protocols, crafting a memorial service can be a challenge. I have witnessed services with particularly good ritual, and a nice selection of elements including both speakers and a eulogy. I have also witnessed services made up of entirely speakers, with a master of ceremonies, rather than a liturgist. Whatever the structure of the service there is only one eulogist, no matter how many people are speaking. A word of caution, when there are too many unchecked speakers, repetition can become problematic, and the attention span of the listeners wanes quickly. Storytelling is different than eulogizing, the former lending itself to less casual settings like a shared meal after the public services. Despite my friend’s rare gift to speak extemporaneously, I urge eulogist and speakers alike to prepare their remarks.

One method I use for writing a eulogy includes these steps: first, speak to several people who knew the deceased to identify a common thread. Perhaps it is the deceased’s kindness or generosity. This thread becomes the theme. Next, find something that personifies the theme, a quote, short reading, or an incident from the person’s life. Then organize the stories, life experiences and special events of the person’s life, weaving them together with supporting material on the theme. Conclude by reflecting on how we can emulate this special characteristic in our lives, hence keeping the spirit of the deceased alive. This is only one approach to writing a eulogy.

A eulogy should be delivered by someone who knew and loved the deceased. However, as presiding minister, I have delivered the eulogy that family members crafted, but preferred not to read. This also works well in situations where there are either too many good choices or there are no good choices for a eulogist. I have seen parents deliver their child’s eulogy, children their parent’s, and small groups of siblings deliver a parent’s eulogy. It is good to limit speakers to three, and the eulogist should follow the speakers. Opening it up to those present who have not prepared remarks presents its own set of problems. In situations where storytelling is spontaneous and the sole element of a gathering, having a master of ceremonies is important.

Some things do not belong in a eulogy, such as stories that are personal, embarrassing, or contain secrets. More than once I have seen a speaker inadvertently embarrass or upset family members with tales meant to be humorous but were not received as such. Speakers and eulogists should always have someone review their content to check for anything that could be awkward.

Honoring a person’s life is a major objective of a funeral, memorial service, church ritual, or celebration of life, but there are other purposes such as commending the deceased to God, laying their body to rest, and beginning the healing work of grief for mourners. While many people consider the eulogy the highlight of the service, it should be worked seamlessly into the whole.

Death ends a life, not a relationship. At the end of the day, a good eulogy honors the past and animates the future of that relationship.

How do I tell you? … let me count the ways.

Thu, 18 Mar 2021 04:00:00 GMT

How do I tell you? … let me count the ways.

Death is a normal part of life, but it makes many people feel uncomfortable and anxious. Death is final, so relaying the news that someone has died, can be difficult. Like any subject, death has its own nomenclature, a special jargon to clarify, classify, and describe it. This includes common sayings used to announce a death. Each phrase carries feelings, needs, and beliefs. Likewise, the timing, tone and language, reveal and express grief.

Spiritual or religious people are more likely to say:

gone home

God came to bring him/her home

fell asleep in the Lord

the angels came to get him/her

is gone on ahead

returned to heaven or to their maker

When I hear an emphasis on the afterlife, I know something of a person’s coping strategy and the manner in which they will accept comfort. In these cases, my reaction is usually a faith-based response. Another way of speaking of a death puts an emphasis on the leaving, including phrases such as:

“is gone”

“left us”

“is dead”

“has died”

“has left”

“lost the battle”

has departed

it’s over

passed away, passed on

met his demise

has expired

When I consider these phrases, I hear loss and sadness, and I want to know more about the speaker’s grief and the deceased’s manner of death. Their choice of words could mean the speaker is not ready to share details or the cause of death, such as death by suicide or drug addiction. A declaration that someone “is dead” can reflect a number of things, such as shock, acceptance, finality, but whatever the case, it leaves no room for denial, propelling the listener into reality. Circumstances certainly dictate the use of language. There is a time to use direct language, like speaking to children or people with cognitive impairment. Consulting a professional may be a good idea for special circumstances.

When someone talks crudely of death, using phrases like “kicked the bucket”, “taking a dirt nap” or “croaked”, I hear disrespect and immediately wonder what it stems from. Is it revealing a fear of death, unresolved grief, anger, or a contemptuous disregard for the deceased? It is never appropriate to use such language. When we encounter this, we should guide the speaker to a softer, kinder language.

What do you hear when someone tells you a person has died? Whether we learn of a death through a phone call, a friend or family member, a third party, or in a published obituary, the announcement of a death carries meaning and sets the tone and path for our response. Our personal beliefs, needs, and language are secondary to an individual’s grief, so, we must take special care not to impose our beliefs or needs on them. In order to respond well, we need the gift to listen and the awareness to hear beyond the words. When you learn of a death, listen to the words with your heart, your only mission is to be supportive.

Is there anything I can do?

Thu, 11 Mar 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Is there anything I can do?

When I was in my twenties my best friend decided I needed a shirt that read, “Is there anything I can do?” It was an inside joke because this was my automatic response when anyone told me something painful had befallen them. Obsessively driven by a literal translation of the word compassion “to suffer with”, my instinct was to jump in as fast as I could. Whenever someone lost a person to death, I hastily cooked up a storm, delivering a five-course meal before day’s end. Years later I chuckle at my impetuousness.

It is instinctive to respond with compassion when we hear someone we know has lost a friend or family member to death. Surely, the question, “what can I do?” is a good one, but I had a change of heart when I first realized how it could feel on the other end of this question. When a death has just occurred, we want to show support as soon as we can and consequently, we rush to do anything feasible to ease the pain. But for those experiencing a loss, the shock and confusion that death triggers, can leave them unable to identify what they need or even what has to be done. Unfortunately, it gives a grieving person one more decision to make when you ask them to determine what you can do. Most bereaved individuals are polite responding, “Nothing right now”, “I don’t know” or “If I think of something, I’ll let you know.” Out of pure frustration, one honest soul I know, turned to the umpteenth person who asked her what they could do and said, “I don’t know, you figure it out yourself, I have enough to worry about.” (…ouch…)

I recently read an article examining the various stressors we unknowingly place on the bereaved. One take-a-away was an example I won’t soon forget. One woman’s solution to “what can I do?” is a shoe box with everything needed to clean and polish shoes. Whenever she hears of a person’s loss, she shows up with the box and says, “I am here to polish everyone’s shoes.” She reports it is very much appreciated. It’s brilliant: she’s doing something practical, something no one else is likely to do, something that needs to get done and she is showing her support. For the household that has received too many meals, this must be a welcomed change.

When in need, some people have little trouble identifying or stating what we can do for them, but most people need time to get their emotional bearings before organizing the copious tasks associated with the death of a loved one. It is common to have a problem identifying what is needed next. While it is perfectly okay to ask how what we can do, before we ask, we might consider the many ways we could help. Surely, the one-size-fits all method, like sending a meal or shining shoes, is valid. Another approach is to wait a bit and see how things develop, then determine what to offer. Maybe you can take a person for a walk in a quiet, pastoral setting, go shopping with them, do an airport pickup or run an errand. Whatever you offer should meet a need, be well timed and reflect the nature of your relationship.

If you have difficulty determining how to support someone, especially when a death has just occurred, make a list of everything you had to do when you were faced with the same situation. Ask yourself, “What was the best thing someone did for me when I was grieving?” Figure out which of the things on your list you can do, and which the grieving person would likely appreciate, and then go for it.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”

― Charles Dickens

Death is our Common Mystery

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Death is our Common Mystery

It was Christmas Eve, 1969. My 21-year-old brother went to the florist to pick up his annual Christmas orchid for my mom. He never returned home; he was killed in a DUI accident. Fifty-one years later I remember it like it was yesterday. It made me a firm believer that death is not something we “get over”. Death, particularly when unexpected, carries agonizing emotions, some for a lifetime.

Death is complex and its related reactions are formidable. Experiencing a traumatic loss at a young age taught me a great deal about dying, more importantly, it impacted my living in a positive way. For the next few blog entries I will explore some of the common emotions, responses and reactions surrounding death. I begin by recounting my first personal experience, from which was born a desire to help people experiencing loss through death.

When my brother died, I had a desperate need to know where he was, he was here one hour and gone the next. Overwhelming shock devoured any rational attempt at answering that searing question, “where is he?” What I remember vividly were the inane, impractical answers well-meaning people gave me. “The good die young.” “People who die on Christmas go right to heaven.” “God must surely love him to make him an angel.” “God needed him in heaven, so you must just accept it as God’s will.” From a moderately strict Irish Catholic family, I had been trained to listen to my elders and not to question them, but my 19-year-old, rebellious adolescent mind promptly rejected each of these responses. Still, all these years later, I wish someone had told me the truth: we do not know why bad things happen to good people.

Inadequate answers merely raise more questions. When someone says, “the good die young,” to someone who has lost a child, sibling, or friend of a young age, it merely raises another question for which there is no definitive answer: “Why my young person?” Surely all the good people don’t die young; in fact, there are many beautiful souls who have lived into their 90’s and beyond. Is it reasonable to conclude that because people live long they are not good? Conversely, we can’t label the young as good because they died prematurely.

As for God making someone an angel, it left me wondering, why my brother? Doesn’t God have enough angels and if not, why doesn’t he just make some more, why take mine? Years later, theological studies taught me that angels and humans are two distinct entities and are not interchangeable. The idea of God needing my brother in heaven simply made God impotent. Imagining the divine source of my existence in need, at one of the worse times in my life, did little to console me. As for thinking dying on Christmas Eve was some kind of lovely gift God had bestowed on our family so that we could rejoice that my brother received instant heaven, well I can’t publicly repeat my reaction to this attempt to reassure me. By far the most offensive to me was the notion that this tragedy was God’s will. Impaired driving causes motor vehicle accidents and death. Not only did I reject God causing it for some cosmic or religious reason, considering this answer assaulted my adolescent stronghold on free will. Ultimately, my emotional meltdown came when a person approached me at the visitation hours and asked me directly if I knew if my brother had accepted Jesus as his personal savior, cautioning that if I thought he may not have, then I must pray every day for God to show him mercy and let him into heaven.

In search of a good answer to my desperate question I explored everything from the Tibetan Book of the Dead to the Bible. Ultimately, my quest resulted in a career change from x-ray technician to minister. This grace-filled journey has taught me that presence is more healing for a grieving person than platitudes and that death is our common mystery.

Writing Your Obituary

Thu, 25 Feb 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Writing Your Obituary

Since I write and edit many obituaries, it is an easy format for me. When I recently decided to write my own obituary, it was quite a different matter. I had long intended to do this, but the Covid-19 pandemic nudged me along. It was far more pleasurable than I imagined and when it was done, I had the sweet satisfaction of knowing I would have the last word on my life. Having the last word was not my intent, nor was it even on my mind as I wrote, but now that it is done, I would counsel others that there is no one better than you to sum up your life. A particularly good reason to write your obituary is to help those who are responsible for handling your final arrangements. Whether it is a family member, friend or the funeral director, it is one less task for them, so they will cheerfully accept it as a gift from you.

My close friend, a good Irish woman, considers it a sport to read the daily obituary page. She is not alone in this practice and consequently we have all read good obituaries and mediocre ones. Although the purpose of an obituary is not to eulogize, I personally favor the ones for which I conclude, “Gee, I wish I knew that person.”

Death notices serve the twofold purpose of letting others know you have passed and providing information for attending your public ceremonies. Additionally, some obituaries highlight the role a person played in the community, others include tributes from family, expressing their deep love and loss. Some obituaries feature a quote that characterizes the deceased and others emphasize personal achievements. Noting facts like where the deceased lived, went to school or worked, helps people identify the correct person, especially if no picture accompanies the written piece. Lately, it has become routine to link the obituary to social media since many people no longer read hardcopy or online newspapers.

One of the loveliest obituaries I ever read was from a woman in her 40’s who died of cancer. Written as a personal letter of farewell, she described what life meant to her, the blessings she enjoyed, and gave advice for good living. Finally, she expressed gratitude and love for specific individuals she was leaving behind.

As I composed my obituary, I didn’t include achievements, I simply cited a single endeavor for which I am well known. Nor did I mention clubs, associations or groups in which I am involved because I have too many to mention. Instead, I opted for a defining statement characterizing my philosophy of life and another on my personality. I included the traditional items such as my age, the town I live in, surviving members of my family and details of my service. My obituary is short and sweet, but it does the job. More importantly, I am happy with it and since I know the work involved, I am grateful to spare someone else the effort.

I wholeheartedly encourage writing your own obituary. It gives you the last word, saves someone the work, and helps you reflect on the ultimate meaning of your life in a healthy, productive way. There are dozens of templates online to get you started. For me, it was such a freeing and positive experience, I am considering organizing an online workshop to help others do the same.

Your story is the greatest legacy that you will leave to your friends.

—Steve Saint

Legacy Making: An Everyday Affair

Thu, 18 Feb 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Legacy Making: An Everyday Affair

A few years ago I led a reading group at a nursing home. We read and discussed Mitch Albom’s book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. It turned out we did a lot of talking, not about heaven, but about how we are living and what our legacy on this earth will be when we complete the human journey. It was an amazing experience to sit with people aged 88 to 103 to reflect on the meaning of their lives. We addressed questions like: What will remain of me when I leave this world? What will people remember about me? What have I done that will join the ancient life-force energy? What events in my life made all the difference in this world to someone else? Without intending to, we had stumbled into the world of legacy, an important topic for people of all ages.

There are so many good people in the world and if we are blessed we experience them daily. Whether it is a person with whom we intimately share daily life, a revered member of our community, a relative, teacher or co-worker, life is enriched by the people we meet. If you are blessed you can identify a few people who have made a dramatic difference in your life. These are the people whose legacy has impacted yours. Maybe they meant to make a difference and quite possibly they didn’t, but the remarkable thing about legacy is that people leave an enduring imprint on other people. To identify these people, it is good to ask yourself this question: “Who made all the difference in the world to me?” Then if you dare, ask, who when they ask this question, would utter my name and why?” That is your legacy.

I am constantly reminded as I hear the stories of people whose obituaries I write or funerals I plan, that profound meaning is found not in the spectacular, but in the simple gifts we give each other every day. What we do or fail to do for each other is realized in their feelings about us. As Maya Angelou so aptly put it, “At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.” Therefore the most revealing work of legacy is the imprint we have left on another’s heart.

Good funerals reveal the heart of a person’s legacy. Whether choosing the readings, selecting songs, writing the obituary or the eulogy, these outward actions, reveal the inner meaning of a person’s life. A person’s legacy is how we will remember them, the specific things we recall they said or did or how relationship with them felt. Your legacy carries your inner most truth and the outward actions that made a difference to others. Legacies are passed from one generation to the next, or person-to-person, and carry precious ideas, deep love, enriching stories that guide and give hope and courage. We are creating our legacy every moment of every day. Like grain that is sown, remains in the earth a while, sprouts and yields its gift in due time, so too with each of us.

“ To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”

Thomas Campbell –

The greatest of these is Love… in Celebration of Valentine’s Day

Thu, 11 Feb 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The greatest of these is Love… in Celebration of Valentine’s Day

To have a friend, spouse, or partner who is wise is a treasure more than gold. More than thirty year ago I worked with a man of deep wisdom and while many things he taught me remain a part of me, one in particular stands out. He said, “Love is effusive of itself, remember that.” My wise friend has long since departed this earth, but I still remember. Love is effusive of itself, thus by its nature, love creates more love. Genuine love is continuously creating, growing exponentially. St. Paul, another wise man, suggested that love endures all things, and that in the end while it remains along with faith and hope, it is indeed the greater.

We humans are hard-wired for love, and thus we instinctively crave it. Some will go to any length to prove love; others pledge it to another exclusively for a lifetime and still others make love their purpose through a life of solitude and solidarity, such as in a contemplative lifestyle of a nun or monk. The diverse ways people live out love makes the world a special place where the desire for love is an ordinary, not extraordinary experience.

As people who specialize in funeral care, we regularly witness the deep grieving borne from relationships of profound love. Each grief is personalized to the relationship it laments, and each person deeply loved is mourned as an incomparable loss. While the adage “It is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all” rarely alleviates a broken heart, it is an often-repeated maxim because there is some truth to it. But the problem with this saying is that love is never really lost, it transcends the limits of time and space. Hence, I frequently counsel people that the work of grief is to establish their new relationship with the deceased. The Catholic liturgy puts it perfectly, “Life has not ended, it has changed.” Love has not ended, it seeks a newfound expression in the unseen, the unheard; it engages us in an inimitable communication. As human beings, love is the first gift we receive, the one that makes life meaningful, and the one we take with us when we die. My wise friend was correct, love is effusive of itself and continues to create and grow beyond death.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day here are some of my favorite quotations on love.

“True love is eternal, infinite.” (Honore de Balzac)

“Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.” (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin)

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” (Lao Tzu)

“To love another person is to see the face of God.” (Les Misérables)

Embracing those who grieve…

Thu, 04 Feb 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Embracing those who grieve…

Several years ago my uncle died quite suddenly. My aunt went out for a half-hour errand and when she came home he lay lifeless where he had reclined earlier to take a quick nap. She was in shock and heartbroken. Throughout the wake and funeral I kept careful watch on her, observing the waves of emotional pain that periodically swept over her. It was the first time I consciously recognized grief doing its work. Being single, I didn’t understand spousal loss, but I did grasp the pain in her eyes and the fragile tenor of her voice. Since we lived more than 500 miles from each other, I made a quiet commitment to send her a card every week. I embraced her, as she was, in her moment of loss. Little did I know that the practice of sending weekly cards would lead to phone calls, which eventually led to a closeness between us that I could never have imagined. The fundamental truth about comforting grieving people is that we must look into their eyes, listen to the sound of their voice, observe them closely, and embrace their grief, then and only then can we console them.

A grieving heart doesn’t respect time. It neither finishes its work on a schedule, nor respects whether one is driving in the car, reading the mail, or busy at work. Sorrow does not wait for a convenient time or setting to engulf the bereaved. Grief has no boundaries, no specific conventions, no prescribed steps to complete. With a soaring national death rate, consoling those who mourn has become nearly routine.

People grieving a loss during the pandemic have distinct challenges, in trying to comfort them, we also have new possibilities. When my friend’s father died last week and the pandemic forced a private funeral, even though the obituary suggested a charity for donations, I opted to send the family a plant. Flowers, plants, fruit baskets, are a visible reminder in a mourning household that someone is thinking of you. The pandemic has forced a more isolated life upon all of us, so for the heartbroken, a daily reminder that they are remembered can be an emotional lifeline. A tangible sign that you are loved is always appreciated but even more so when you are grieving.

It is customary during a funeral home visitation to display picture boards, memorabilia or a video highlighting the deceased. Through these visual aids people recall and share the stories and special moments of a person’s life. This is healing and of great comfort to a family. Realizing their loved one was significant to others is heartening. One way to do this during the pandemic is to make a picture collage with your photos of the deceased, these are easily produced online and printed at your local pharmacy. Sending the collage in the mail with a note recalling the stories depicted on the pictures is a wonderful way to comfort the bereaved. Sending a single picture that characterizes your relationship with the deceased or reveals their best quality along with a note describing it, brings lightness to the heavy weight of grief. Creating a playlist of songs that describes or remembers the deceased is a variation of this idea and can be accomplished entirely electronically.

Grief’s most prominent characteristic is loneliness. Whether sending a letter, a card, flowers, having a video visit, or making a phone call, you are providing a powerful antidote to the lonesomeness of grief. In these days of mandated isolation it is more important than ever to extend condolences in whatever way you can.

“However you choose to show sympathy – that you know someone is experiencing a loss and that you care

– is almost always better than saying and doing nothing.” Carol Fredericks Ebeling, What to Say

Funerals During a Pandemic …

Thu, 28 Jan 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Funerals During a Pandemic …

Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a dear friend. A Sister of Notre Dame for 73 years, Teresa lived among the migrant poor, devoting her life to the work of justice. Her funeral Mass was concelebrated by numerous priests, led by the bishop of her Diocese in Apopka, Florida. It was a beautiful funeral, attended by hundreds of people, some socially distanced in the church, most attending through a Facebook livestream.

The COVID-19 Pandemic has changed so much. We live in a bubble with just a few people, craving the company of others. We work at home, teach our own children, and wear so much protective equipment in health care settings that patients are not sure what their caregivers look like. We quickly became accustomed to alternate ways of living, dying, and mourning the dead. Some people are dying without loved ones near, saying their last good-byes virtually. Many are delaying or eliminating traditional funeral rites, opting for a celebration of life sometime in the future.

In all probability the pandemic constraints will remain for the better part of this year, so it is good for us to reflect on current modifications to funerals. Mandated COVID-19 restrictions, including social distancing, masking, size limits for gatherings and curfews when the virus is spiking, will continue to shape the way we provide funeral services. But it is crucial that such restrictions not overshadow the need for ritual or disrupt healthy grieving. While COVID-19 directives have altered the way we do things, we still make use of gatherings at churches, synagogues or the funeral home. We continue to have visitation periods for family and friends, memorials, life celebrations, and graveside services. In a word, the funeral industry like many others, has not eliminated but adapted their offerings. The Mile’s staff continues to work collaboratively with people responsible for planning a loved one’s funeral to identify what will best honor the person’s life, comfort the bereaved, and meet mandated requirements.

As with other life celebrations like weddings and graduations, something exists between traditional celebrations and having nothing at all. Some couples who planned to marry in 2020, adapted their wedding plans, others delayed. Some graduates had virtual parties; others planned things such as a “one year out” party scheduled for June of 2021. For funerals, some people have opted to wait until the pandemic is over and have a life celebration in lieu of a traditional funeral now. We need to be cautious about delaying funerals because unlike a wedding or graduation party, funerals attend to the work of grief that will not wait. Funeral rituals make death palpable and begin the work of healing. A time of visitation with a bereaved family is vital to giving and receiving the particular support needed when loss overcomes our heart. Indeed, because the pandemic has caused us to live in so much isolation, it is all the more valuable to offer visitation for bereaved families. The music, stories, readings and symbols of a church, memorial, or graveside service are balm that massage grief. Grief does not wait for a convenient time to flood our heart with sorrow, and for me, this is the single most important reason not to delay but rather to adapt traditional funeral rituals during the pandemic.

I loved my Sister of Notre Dame friend, and in attending her service virtually, I did not for a minute feel her funeral was any less than it would have been had I been physically in the room. Moreover, her sister who delivered the eulogy praised the love they felt surrounding them from afar. I needed to acknowledge the gratitude for Teresa’s life that had touched mine so deeply. I needed to say good-bye and Godspeed to someone I loved. The emotional closeness I experienced most definitely dwarfed the physical distance. Being able to attend funerals virtually is an option begun during the pandemic that will remain a viable option for families long after the restrictions are lifted.

Wisdom lies neither in fixity nor in change, but in the dialect between the two.

Octavio Paz

Why have a formal funeral or memorial service?

Thu, 21 Jan 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Why have a formal funeral or memorial service?

Tom was a devout Catholic until old age limited his church attendance. He died recently of natural causes. When I asked his son if there would be a funeral, he said, “No we don’t go to church, but my dad ate at Arby’s every Thursday night, so Thursday night we are gathering at Arby’s to celebrate him and tell stories. We’d love to have you join us.”

To be sure, the way we memorialize people has changed dramatically during recent years, and the required COVID Pandemic restrictions have further cemented the idea for some that church or funeral home services, memorials or graveside gatherings are not necessary and may even be a thing of the past. Before we throw the baby out with the bath water, it might be good to reflect on the value of having a formal service.

In last week’s blog, I wrote “Rituals involve traditions and rites that celebrate life’s transitions, and humans need ritual to enable the human heart to celebrate, mourn and endure life’s deepest moments.” These two ideas are the cornerstone for why we ceremoniously memorialize a life. Whether a prescribed ritual in a church setting, a memorial service at a funeral home or an informal gathering at a restaurant, the passing of a loved one is one of life’s most sacred times. Our psychological and spiritual well-being need ritual to acknowledge and heal from a loss.

A memorial service, like a funeral in a church, is designed to help those who mourn acknowledge the reality of a life ended and move from the first stage of loss to the next stage of grief. When I meet with families to plan a service, my most important goal is to listen. I ask them to tell me about their loved one, sometimes I listen for an hour, sometimes two. Active listening is healing and as the most essential element of grief work, it begins with the preparations for a formal funeral. Hearing the story of a deceased’s life, I am always moved by the distinctive way each life is lived. Above all, a funeral service reflects and honors a life as it has been experienced by an individual.

The content of a service helps achieve some of the initial work of grief. Welcoming those in attendance, we gather the common energy and love into a single space. This is typically followed by reflecting on the philosophy or creedal beliefs of the deceased and survivors. Such a reflection in the form of a reading, story, prayer or poem lays a path for the journey to understanding and acceptance. Next the person is eulogized through one or more reflections by those who knew and loved him or her. A private moment in our hearts to say good-bye and a chance to establish our ongoing relationship with the deceased is included in any type of funeral or graveside gathering. These two movements, saying goodbye and beginning anew, are done in a way that best reflect the deceased and comforts those who mourn. Within a church setting, the prescribed liturgy includes many of these elements. It might be a song, prayer, poem, silence, lighting a candle or holding an object. Any service is generally concluded with a blessing of peace and love for those who have gathered. I like to offer a final word from the deceased. It is sometimes a quote, a poem, words that he or she said in the past, or words I have written. Depending on a family’s belief, prayer is interwoven throughout.

I have planned and conducted many services including those in church, in the funeral home, at the graveside and even at the family’s home. Each was unique, but all had the same purpose – to honor a life, to heal and give comfort. I am a firm believer in rituals that honor a life and comfort the bereaved.

I was Tom’s minister for the last two years of his life as he lived in the nursing home where I am chaplain. I am sure Tom wanted a Catholic Mass for his funeral, as sure as I am that in heaven he now enjoys the fullness of what that Mass celebrates. I am not faulting his son; each family has both the right and duty to honor their deceased loved ones as they deem best, but before we discard either the baby or bath water, we need to be clear about what we are disposing.

The word “ritual” comes from the Latin ritus, from the Greek hroe, meaning “to flow, run, rush, or stream.” Ritual literally places you in the flow of things.

The Shadow in America, Jeremiah Abrams, editor

Ritual…a matter of the human heart

Thu, 14 Jan 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Ritual…a matter of the human heart

You walk the dog every morning, read the paper each evening, buy birthday cakes at the same bakery every year, or picnic at the same lake every summer. We build our lives on repeated, recurring actions, that provide order, and satisfy our emotional and physical needs. Some are simply habits, others are rituals, some mundane, others sacrosanct. Sacred rituals such as personal prayer, taking a meditation walk in nature, attending a religious ceremony, or listening to a symphony are revered for the ability to express a deeper reality, move us from one emotional place to another, or transport us to the heart of life’s mysteries.

Rituals involve traditions and rites that celebrate life’s transitions, such as graduations, marriage or the passing of a loved one. Rituals, a part of everyday life, are relative to those carrying them out. In my family of six children, graduations always involved a party as the sole means of celebrating the achievement. Because I attended a Catholic school and my siblings did not, my graduation ritual included attending a Mass, which for me was more meaningful than the party. To solemnize her marriage one of my friends was married in a cathedral with a prescribed rite, while another was married by a lake with a friend presiding at a 5-minute service. These diverse gatherings accomplished the same result, but on a deeper level, each ritual met the moment, expressing the thoughts, desires, and inner convictions of the couple. Rituals are both a communal recognition and a personal experience.

Through carefully constructed elements, rituals reveal and express the veracity of the moment. Every ritual has a goal, such as joining people in marriage, or saying good-bye to a loved one at the time of death. It is crucial that a ritual express what is meaningful to the people at the center of the ritual. At the deathbed of my father, someone opened the window because she believed a window must be opened for my dad’s fleeing soul to escape to the next world. Since it was not a part of my belief system, it offended rather than comforted me. Ritual, to be meaningful, reflects the beliefs of those central to the act.

Unless prescribed by an official institution such as the civil law or the rubrics of a religion, rituals do not require specific elements, a given number of parts, be a certain length, or have common attributes. In creating ritual, words, actions, symbols, and objects are woven together to express the significance of the moment. However, when creating ritual one must always consult the governing civil or church law, in which case there may be specific requirements.

Rituals although sometimes performed merely out of habit, are vastly different than habits. Sacred rituals get to the heart of the matter, calming our fears, nurturing our hopes, easing our pain. With a growing number of people identifying as spiritual rather than religious, it is challenging to create ritual that accomplishes what cultural and religious ceremonies have in the past. However, helping people create meaningful ritual helps clarify their beliefs and express the significance of the moment. Humans need ritual to enable the human heart to celebrate, mourn and endure life’s deepest moments.

Ritual is . . . a vital, precious tool for tending the human heart.

— Kathleen Wall, Gary Ferguson, Rites of Passage

Ready… set… go with your imagination

Thu, 07 Jan 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Ready… set… go with your imagination

Beginnings are exciting, serving up possibilities we have not yet dreamed. Since we are only one week into 2021, there is still plenty of time to embrace its newness. Like a blank page waiting to be filled, looking forward is simultaneously alluring and scary. Yet, there is something adventurous about imagining tomorrow, knowing that anything is possible. When embarking on any journey a few necessities must be packed. For the trek into 2021, I recommend these essentials: resilience, hope, kindness, and most especially imagination.

Imagination is crucial for welcoming this new year, which like last year, is bound to provide a worthy mental work-out for our ingenuity and creativity. Planning is great and I certainly do not scoff at preparing for both the expected and the unforeseen in life. But beware of plotting exactly how things should be, as the universe has its surprises. When we pre-view the world just as we want it, we inadvertently shut off countless viable opportunities. Imagination is a wonderful antidote for this.

Envisioning the future can help us identify our intentions. Hence a great way to launch 2021 is to stroll down “imaginary” lane. While imagination by nature may be fictitious and unscientific, imagining sheds a direct light on our inmost desires. It reveals and fine tunes the things for which our heart yearns. Fortunately, the imagination is at home with the arts, namely, writing, music, drawing, painting, and literature. Whichever enlivens your soul, is the perfect doorway to open your imagination. Original works or the classics are equals in igniting the imagination. Whether you write a poem or read Shakespeare’s sonnets, your innermost desires come to the fore.

I remember seeing a painting at the Uffizi that depicts the flight of Mary and Joseph into Egypt to escape the infanticide Herod the Great ordered to kill their son. While hundreds of paintings depict this event, for me the painting at the Uffizi fueled an entirely new understanding. Like other paintings, Mary is riding a donkey, led by Joseph, the child on her lap. But in this painting, the mother is carefully shielding Jesus’ view with her veil, so that he will not see the dead children along the side of the road. As many times as I considered this story, I had never imagined what it was like for Mary and Joseph to confront the victims of this horrific incident instigated because of their son. The arts power the imagination and open us to see things we have never seen, to hear new concepts, to sense unexplored truths. Like a kaleidoscope that changes the view with each turn, the arts offer the imagination new light, new color and new patterns. Am I promoting use of the arts to help you shape the year to come? Yes, I am.

Now is the time to begin to fill the blank page. Now is the time to engage your imagination to uncover your hopes, desires, and intentions for 2021. Make use of music, art, nature, and literature to imagine what you would like this year to give you, more importantly, to envision what you would like to give this new year.

“The imagination produces things as a synthesis of both meaning and presence. It does not merely reproduce things as “bare facts.” The imagination creates new perspectives for the facts it has found. It gives them a “background,” a “landscape.” It presents the world as related to the human, as touched by the heart and mind.” — Gerald J. Bednar, Faith as Imagination

reflect…. reset …. resolve….

Thu, 31 Dec 2020 05:00:00 GMT

reflect…. reset …. resolve….

It is December 31st. I have never been much of a New Year’s Eve party girl. Indeed, the last time I witnessed midnight turning time to January 1st was more than 35 years ago. Nevertheless, I have a fondness for performing rituals that commemorate the end of a year and the start of a new one. Sometimes my ritual is elaborate, other times it is a quiet, simple gesture to recollect the annual mingling of good-bye and hello.

Traditional end of year practices involve reflecting on the past, pressing the reset button for the future, and resolving to meet the ensuing challenges. The most popular resolutions vow a healthier diet, more exercise, or additional quality time with loved ones. There is no perfect way to reflect, reset, or resolve, so there are countless ways to approach this revered ritual. However, a common mistake is to fast forward to “resolve”, not taking the opportunity to reflect and reset. This results in a high failure rate of New Year Resolutions, which studies confirm is close to 80%.

Several years ago, after a particularly challenging year, I made a list of grievances, misfortunes, and unresolved adversities still haunting me. I wrote these scrupulously on little papers and with glass of wine in hand, threw them ceremoniously in a flaming fireplace. I then made a list of New Year Aspirations, writing these on bookmarks so I could easily refer to them throughout the year as resolution reminders. Gratefully, I never needed to repeat this specific ritual, as I never again had such a bad year, but 2020 was certainly a close second. I remember this ritual vividly because it so successfully met my ambition to reflect, reset and resolve.

Twenty-twenty was an extraordinary year, forcing a way of life upon us that we could not have imagined. I trust there will be a glut of imaginative ways to say good-bye to this year and none-too-soon for most of us. Like many people, I look forward to 2021 with resolutions born from the challenges of this last year. First, I crafted a 2021 Memories container, because 2020 continually reminded me of the preciousness of each moment. Good memories soothe the heart and fill us with positivity, I resolve to load up my tubular memory box with big and small moments to remind me how much goodness there is in life.

Another of my 2021 resolutions is to think of my friends and extended family more often. To achieve this, I took the Christmas cards I received this year and put them in a Special People Box. Each morning of 2021 I am going to take one card out and hold that person or family in my thoughts, sending them good vibes all the day long. Twenty-twenty helped us put unimportant things on the back burner, bringing to the fore, the people and things that are important to us. I resolve to hold these more intentionally.

Life is a mixture of good things, tough moments, and unforgettable, unrepeatable suffering and joy. As we turn the calendar to 2021, let us remember that how we accept, honor and live in the present, both defines and refines us.

“All the ups and downs are grace in different wrappings, sent to refine consciousness.

Say thanks to them all.” — Mooji

May you have a peaceful, prosperous, safe and Happy New Year!

Bev & Rick, Ricky Mansfield and the entire Miles Staff

A little child shall lead them….

Thu, 24 Dec 2020 05:00:00 GMT

A little child shall lead them….

Meet Itzel…with an unabashed, joyous soul, she epitomizes the splendor of Christmas.

Children renew our energy and help us rediscover life. If you have a child nearby, I want you to take some time to seriously contemplate them, looking closely and listening carefully to them. If you do not have children nearby, Itzel is here to help you recapture the beauty of the season. No matter how deeply sad this Christmas may be for you, children can, like that precious baby the first Christmas, offer your heart some respite.

Look intently into the eyes of a child, what do you see? Are they glistening? If so, it is a mirror of their inner excitement. So many things animate them, maybe it is the anticipation of a hug, or the thought of Santa coming down the chimney with a new bike. Their eyes speak exhilaration at play or as they sit on your lap, or when they walk into a room to discover someone or something they love. We all need some elation in life, a little healthy joy, and if you have lost yours, set yourself a Christmas promise to find it again. I highly recommend you begin in the eyes of a child.

Now, look upon the lips of this same child. Itzel has dimples that make her smile a treasure, producing an instantaneous smile upon the face of the observer. When a child smiles, it is with their complete self, when they laugh their entire face joins the party. Observe your reaction as you look at a smiling child. Do not the muscles in your face relax, triggering an automatic grin?

Now for the real challenge, listen for a child’s love. It may be in their words, their silence, or their behavior. They may be telling you how much they admire you, or that they trust you unconditionally, or that you are just the absolute best! The love of a child manifests in so many ways. A child’s natural hunger for love reminds us that self-care and self-love are among the best gifts we can give ourselves this Christmas.

Itzel is the daughter of my first cousin, once removed. She is 21 months old. I have never been in the same room with her or even held her. But through the magic of Facebook, Itzel has touched me, reminding me how precious life is, how I need to slow down and relish the real miracles of each day. And most of all I love her daily antics, like giving herself a face massage with her breakfast yogurt. Itzel has taught me that life, though it may be painful at times, remains a mixture of agony and elation and during the Christmas season, as all year through, I can pay tribute to both.

We wish you a Childlike, Joyous Christmas!

Bev & Rick Mansfield, Ricky Mansfield

and the entire Miles Funeral Home Staff.

Silence is Golden: The Healing Power of Silence

Thu, 17 Dec 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Experiencing Sadness In A Season of Joy

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Befriending Loss

Thu, 03 Dec 2020 05:00:00 GMT

… Thankful, Grateful, Blessed …

Thu, 26 Nov 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Welcome to Thoughtful Thursdays!

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Thoughtful Thursdays

When “Driving By” Feels Too Hard: Rethinking the Choice of a Local Funeral Home

What the Waxed Amaryllis Teaches Us About Grief

Holding Grief Through Sacred Seasons: Passover, Easter, and the Promise of Spring

In seasons of remembrance and renewal, our sacred traditions offer steady ground for grieving hearts.

A New Holiday!

“National Create Your Own Holiday Day” is celebrated annually March 26.

Choose a Date

National Funeral Directors Day

Honoring the Heart of Our Work:

National Funeral Directors Day

When the World Feels Ready and You Don't

Even as spring awakens around us,

grief can still feel like winter within.

Blizzard daze....

Weathering the Storm Together

The purpose remains the same

Valentine's Day: Holding Love Gently

Love does not disappear when someone dies;

it simply asks to be held differently.

What Is a Celebration of Life and How a Funeral Home Helps

“Here to Honor Every Life with Care.

With Heartfelt Support Every Step of the Way”

There’s No Place Like Home

The Heart Knows the Way Home

Why Grief Can Feel Heavier in Winter and What Can Help

Coping With the Ebb and Flow of Grief During Mid-Winter

It's National Hat Day!

﻿

A Gift of Peace: Why Planning Ahead Matters

Caring for Those You Love—Even After You’re Gone

A New Year, A Deeper Presence

Introducing “Quiet Thursday” Mini Reflections

What The Light Knows

The light does not rush. It has learned patience from winter, from the ﻿ long practice of waiting.

It's National Communicate with Your Kids Day

Make a Plan This Year

Children's Grief Awareness Day

Preparing yourself to support grieving children

Lighting the Way Through Loss: Caring for Your Heart This Winter

Embracing Holiday Grief

Saturday, November 15, 2025, 1-3 p.m.

We did it again!!!

We are pursuing excellence!

Tune In: Celebrating National Podcast Day!

Press Play: It’s Podcast Day!

It's Hug A Card Writer Day!

Writing a meaningful condolence note...

Participate in Suicide Prevention Awareness Month!

By attending an event, learning more, or simply sharing resources, you can be part of the movement to spread awareness, foster compassion, and bring hope.

National Grief Awareness Day - August 30th.

Creating a Compassionate, Grief Literate Culture

Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day

Honoring the pets who have touched our lives.

My loved one is on hospice… should I call the funeral home?

Preparing one’s after-life care complements the hospice philosophy of empowering choice. It eases one of the most stressful concerns of dying and offers an opportunity for a life review.

Legacies Continue the Love

Keeping Love Alive....

Let the seasons lead your grief....

To every season...there is a lesson in grief

Where can I find that?

Internet Resources for the Grieving Heart

What come next.... Talking about the Afterlife.

Knowing what someone believed gives their survivors reassurance and peace.

Grief: It's A Family Affair

Supporting Grieving Families

International Bereaved Mothers Day

The saddest day of the year...

It's National Poetry Month!

Poems, like a kaleidoscope, remind me that with a slight turning things appear even more beautiful.

What would we do without them???

What would we do without them???

Can anything good come out of grief?

Can anythi ng good come out of grief?

National Funeral Directors Day

National Funeral Directors Day

Snuggle up with a good book

Snuggle up with a good book

2/4/25– United By Unique – World Cancer Day

2/4/25 - United By Unique - World Cancer Day

The light does not rush. It has learned patience from winter, from the long practice of waiting.